Friday, November 27, 2015

slow down, world

hello :) 

...and happy friday (or black friday i guess, as even in canada we've adopted that crazy day)...
i won't be shopping though, but i have work scheduled later on and, to me, it's just the last friday of november. which is scary and crazy and a bit overwhelming; time just keeps moving along so quickly). 
this morning's quinoa & oats (stovetop quinoa and quick oats mix) w vanilla/ginger/cinnamon, water/almond milk, chia seeds, a touch of cocoa and a sprinkle of enjoy life chocolate chips and autumn wheat squares
i am just sitting here half in my pjs/half dressed because im too cold (or lazy) to change even though i need to get going. i'm sipping more coffee (well, i had coffee before breakfast and now i am having instant which is stupid for too many reasons: number one, my stomach...number two, it tastes awful, and number's instant, i mean what am i actually doing...???)

this is old but i wish i could find this peppermint tea ;( they sell the brand but not this one near me

on that topic (old photos not tea) i keep spending a lot of time, too much time, looking back at photos from here and oddly finding myself sort of longing for a bit of it; but, at the time, i was unhappy with my body, homesick, physically sick...etc and one of the things i wanted was to change my body of course; yet now, im still sick physically, emotionally, and much lower in terms of weight...i guess that says something. or maybe im just spending too much time looking at the past because my future seems sort of hopeless now. i have two options continue like this or to just go where i really don't want to go and make everyone happy. i might have three, but the third option is getting much harder to try to reach even though i feel as though i'm really trying as hard as i can on my own. 

 i really didn't want to get into this and i thought writing here would bring out something positive. i think i'll just stop soon before i post too much and then regret it. whaat a dump of a post, i really wanted to write something inspiring... ;) baha, that's funny, jen. oh i just heard adele on cbc (radio) and she make me laugh, her accent is too cute. anyway, i must go and get ready (i've made several pauses in this post to go out, have a snack, tea, food prep and what not but i always do that) ...hope anyone reading this is doing well. i guess i will say happy thanksgiving to any americans even though no one usually wishes us a happy thanksgiving in october but whatever, i can deal i guess.

lots of love 

Saturday, September 5, 2015

almost autumn :)

hello :)

i realise i haven't posted anything in a long, long, long, time...and therefore anyone who read this likely doesn't anymore. but i felt like writing a little bit and though i'd just put it down here. maybe it will help, who knows? now that i'm here, though, i don't really know what to say.

                  this is old but i had a similar breakfast today (oats insead of cream of wheat, and topped with a banana crunch nakd bar and toasted wheat germ instead of the strawberry crunch and hemp hearts...)

i work this afternoon at the library, and plan to go up north to my cottage for just a day and a bit tomorrow; it may be almost my last time...and possibly last season if my parents sell it before next year ;( i hope they don't. i haven't been up much partially because of my own schedule and it's a huge connection to my childhood, so it would be odd without it.

this is back from 2010, but it's the same :)

anyway, i've been really anxious (more than usual i guess) at work as they've put me on the circulation desk when i'm trained as a page, and i have very little experience there...but they do that when they're short-staffed and i was there for the majority of my shift wednesday and it was so awful aha i was just trying to do what i could. the only positive thing i guess is that when i complete any tasks/duties that are at the level of a higher position i get paid at that rate which is like double mine, so i guess that's a plus... ;)

honestly, is anyone there? i mean even if you're not blogging, and you've moved on, i'd love to connect with some people as well. i'm not doing well in the slightest but i wouldn't drag you down with me (mentally--in terms of eds--i'm sort of okay, just not physically...and anxiety-wise obviously i'm not at a good place) but otherwise i'd love to talk to some people :) i miss you. whoever you are. i don't really mind that i spend time looking at the past because i need some sort of motivation and hope and the future doesn't seem so bright, and looking ahead isn't working well at the moment. partly because i'm likely going somewhere hellish and i have little to no choice about it anymore because it's just been too long and i've had too many 'chances' apparently. but that's pooopy talk and i don't want to write about it.

but i don't know what to say, so i'll keep this short. oh! i'm reading "up and down" by terry fallis (he lives in toronto!!!) at the moment, as i'm in a book club in the year (funny me, actually it's part of a local church which i've never belonged to/been to for actual church and everyone else in the group is over seventy yet they accepted me nonetheless) ...and the group starts again in a couple of weeks after being off for the spring/summer so i need to hurry up. it takes me so much longer to get through books now which is sad, and my concentration/motivation isn't there. i love reading though ... :( idk what's wrong.

hope you are well (whoever is reading) and i will touch base again soon. 

xox lots and lots and lots of love,


Saturday, April 11, 2015

raisins & almonds

happy spring :) :)

what a perfect thing to say when it's freezing rain and just above freezing temperatures in my city :o but it's supposed to get up to fourteen (celsius) tomorrow which seems like a little bit of a long shot.

breakfast from sometime last month i's in a folder labeled "fall/winter '14" so i assumed so...
anyway, i just wanted to say hi and write a little bit, hoping there might be someone out there listening. and, if not, i think it's just a bit therapeutic at times. i might write this down in i'm going to get a snack now because i'm hungry.

***okay it's now a few days later and much warmer now; it's saturdayyy, but i work today :/ oh well. obviously i have no work ethic as i left this post right in the middle. i miss blogging but i never have much to say, i mean anything positive or noteworthy or just interesting. 

i can't believe this was almost five years ago :/ i had just come back from third year university in another province, i can remember this day (and sharing this bar--which was from another blogger in the states--with my parents); that's so sad how i remember that much, i need to stop focusing on the past so much, seriously...
i went for a short run this morning (very very very short) and it was sort of spring-ish but colder than yesterday, although there wasn't as much wind (the wind was crazy yesterday and i was pretty much blown over several times on my way to and from work ahah..not funny though) ... anyway...what's new with you? whoever is reading this...i'd love to know ;P oh! my eldest cousin (i guess full cousin, though her father is my dad's half-brother as they just share a mother) had a baby early yesterday morning i believe (she's in San Francisco/we're in Toronto, and with the time difference i think it was about five am our time) and it's the first great-grand-child which is great for my grandmother as she won't be around much longer. her name is madison :) i love it. my mom was like, "...madison??? ...oh, so maddie; aw that's cute, now that's cute!"

just drinking my coffee...
i feel like this winter has been the longest one of my life. normally i like cooler temperatures (compared to the insane awful heat of the summer) but this past year has been sort of hellish. i say this as a total privileged first world/developed country sort of thing because i realise that my life is non-comparable to most and that these 'problems' of mine are rather insignificant. but's been a bit brutal hasn't it? but i'll regret saying this in a couple of months when i'm dying of heat exhaustion. i wish the seasons were like they used to be; at least spring and fall. they are so short now, just a few nice days and then an immediate temperature change into the unpleasant winter or summer months. it depends on where you live, of course, but we used to get nice spring and falls. at least, that's how i remember my childhood. i grew up in a small town north of my city though, so maybe that's why.

i don't really know how to end this, but hopefully i can write here again with something fun. wish you all the best and happiness and what not ;P ... 

lots of love xoxox

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

forever and ever winter

 hi there J

i still do write here! …from time to time; I haven’t deleted so I always have a bit of something to come back to (plus I hate to delete so many posts even if they are a bit shit, it seems like erasing the past and that just feels wrong);
i’m sort of posting now because I spent some time, once again, looking at old posts from the beginning until now, photos, food, thoughts (which were both repetitively-negative but also made me feel sick and sad because i know now how i felt then, but also because so much of those issues have remained and then manifested into others…literally five years later… :/ I still cannot get over that last part…

(some oatmeal from a while ago…we’ll call them ‘sunbutter-chocolate-almond’ oats i think)

Because I have to include a breakfast photo even though I haven’t posted regularly in over a year :o … I don’t even know if anyone sees this but I still feel connected to it and it represents my past in a sense, so I will just start writing random things. It’s cold :O actually, it’s warmer than it has been but we were just hit with another “winter starrrrm” and its snowing and blowing and will likely make all the slush freeze over when another polar vortex hits later in the week :/ blahh. My parents are in new Orleans and had the nerve to mention that it was colder than usual there ;P I think the temperature was going from like 75 to …wait, 75 F (which is like the mid teens or something C? im not American so we don’t “do” fahrenheit  ;p); wlkdjfsk suddenly im really anxious and im trying to drink this thing and its so sweet and I don’t think my body agrees and my mind doesn’t but there’s no point in going on and on and on about it…oh! Okay, these are cute: 

A couple nakd crunch flavours have come here which is pretty cool and I love the colours J

I found the banana not as nice which was odd as I love banana...

(but not always banana-flavoured things so it tasted a bit fake and very sweet) but I want to try it again and hopefully I’ll like it more…partly because I have another three right now I think… I wish we had the mocha and regular banana, rhubarb something ones and the raisins look really cool, like flavoured raisins?!? I have only seen those dried cranberry ones that are “blueberry-flavoured-craisins” but they are often the low sugar ones so they’re just sweetened w splenda or something which isn’t really what I want, I mean if they just put less sugar maybe, but then adding a sweetener which is even sweeter and messes w digestive systems sometimes, it wouldn’t be nice/sweet/see what I did there? oh god im such a fucking dumbass, does anyone actually remember me, posts, anything? I know it’s sort of sad that I haven’t changed at all and you are probably wondering why im even writing this down…

I don’t know what to say besides stating the obvious; I’m not okay. Okay, that’s evident I guess if you knew me right now in real life. There are so many things than I want to tell you, yet can’t; they’re just not things you put out there and, even if it was more acceptable to share everything to a world wide web of people/things, it’s not fair for people to read; and it’s not healthy for me either I guess; but I just needed a sort of outlet and I do like writing here sometimes, I just feel that (especially since no one that I used to connect with blogs anymore) I don’t feel as though i’m talking to anyone anymore, which makes this process even more overwhelming and I don’t even know if/or who sees this? I mean I realise I’ve already sort of shared “too much” from the beginning, that ball has dropped ;P or whatever they say; for some reason I am writing down so many puns/corny sayings but completely butchering them in the process…ahhsdlkfj okay I guess I mean I have changed in some ways, not in others, and I think it’s better not to write it all down; it would be pointless, right? Right. It’s starting to hail now and it’s dark out, although it’s just a bit after 4pm and I just keep feeling more anxious, about work (though I’ve been there a while) and food and my body’s reaction to things, ibs, sickness, anxiety, being alone right now for a longer period of time, not knowing if I’ll make it to work or be okay there, or if I can eat “this” or challenge with “that” and yadadsldkjflsklblahh thoughts thoughts thoughts. I guess they’re just thoughts. And, although they seem to control things, I am really the one who can control them and change and make myself see things in a better light. It just becomes so difficult when nothing positive really presents itself even loosely in my direction. But I have to watch closely I guess, or listen.
I hope that everyone is doing well, whoever that is ;) if anyone is reading this I hope that you’re happy. And I hope that you’ve had a good day, or night, or morning…and if not, that things turn around right now. With the hit of this publish button aha …
oh god, anyway. that’s all. xoxox so much love and hope to talk again soon

Monday, December 1, 2014

and so it goes...

hi there :) 

if anyone's out there, i just wanted to post a little thing and talk a little bit. i miss this and i guess i feel the need to share a bit. hopefully some of you are still out there as i really miss this community ;( i just miss talking to people who understand and can relate to some of what i'm feeling or going through. and tumblr will never let me post my own photos which makes me sad (although they're shit quality anyway aha)

i had some stove-top oats today after a little run and what not. very short, im pretty lazy these days:

banana-almond-spiced oats cooked w soymilk/water, cinnamon/ginger, frozen banana and topped w some muesli, raw almonds and a few shredded wheat...along w some coffee.

those are not very pretty but they tasted okay. i feel like i've never been able to take really nice photos like everyone else, but oh well! it's not important, and often they don't taste very good or are not as appealing if i take five years to capture a photo that no one sees. it's sort of sad, actually.

chocolate-walnut oats w crumbled shredded wheat! these are enjoy life chocolate chips so they're vegan as they don't have dairy or egg and what not, i like using them in baking but they're commonly used for people w severe nut (and other) allergies. i've only purchased their bars and cookies (once for the cookies, many times for the little bars) ...

i captured a few more though on random days when i thought things looked sort of appealing...

cold cereal mixture (bran flakes, shredded wheat and cheerios) i think w milk. i used to have this sort of thing all the time, i could never choose one.

otherwise i have no idea what i'm going to do or how i'm going to get better, it's pretty sad but i'm getting so much older so quickly and it's scaring the shit out of me more than before.

and some elle, because she's perf. and it has nothing to do with food which is refreshing and something i need to try to focus on. i can't believe how close christmas is, and how the year is nearly over. it's scary and things are going by so quickly yet in the moment they seem to drag on, particularly on rough days (which is most days). i want to see old friends but im so scared of what they'll say or do or not say because i know i look awful, like total utter crap. and im basically at my lowest and far from what they have seen and it's also embarrassing and i just can't stop thinking about that. either way, fat or thin, i'm scared to see people and worry about their reactions. 

im still working part time at a local library while hoping to get into film/the arts (yet right now it's not even on my mind, nor is finding more work which would be ideal just because i'm not doing well and trying to focus on health yet not achieving anything). and i worried about losing my job if i had to take time off for some long-term sort of treatment (that was one of the concerns but i have like fucking thousands as to why i don't want to be placed into a treatment facility) and then my supervisor has been off for months now because of some unknown illness, and i just found out that she has some sort of stomach/bowel cancer and they don't know what it is and she won't be back for a long time (providing she recovers, harsh but i guess that's a possibility) and that makes me feel awful and life just is a pile of ass sometimes. i hate how all my gross remarks and sayings have to do with poo.

anyway, that's all. i think i want to start posting more often but i worry about sharing so much on the internet. even if no one reads this now, "the internet is forever" as they say. idk do they even say that? well i say it, so that counts for something ;) lots and lots and lots and lots of love and hope to talk to some of you sometime soon

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

hiiii there :)
my babyyy ;) on Christmas eve...
I realise that no one will see this as it's been over a year and, even if someone followed these posts they likely took me off their sidebar thing after such a long time. it's okay, I understand ;P although I have a couple of old blogs on there still, hoping they'll pop up randomly some day. I have no idea why i'm writing this actually...I just need a bit of an update on here and I don't want to delete this entirely. I need a "2014" on the page, so here it is. I've had a shitty past little while, stuff happened, didn't happen, etc. im working a little bit and some things are moving forward, but others are not and im genuinely a bit scared that I can't do it anymore. i'm not in denial, but it's just sort of frustrating/scary at the same time and everything is combining into one shit show and the physical and emotional symptoms and things that i'm experiencing could be caused by so many things yet the only aspect that anyone is focusing on is the weight. "if that increases, it will get better". I've had these symptoms (among others too) at my highest, so I know that this is not necessarily the case. regardless, the anxiety/ibs/other things (I know labels suck and I feel fake when I use them, so I apologise for that) must be addressed.

old photo from this past winter, that's all i'm showing as I look horrible now (I am not implying that I look great here though!) honestly, it's upsetting. and ugly. anyway! blahhh.
wlekjlksjfd ew fuck sorry I just wanted to pop by and say 'hi' (to no one, probably ahaha...) and im going on about my own boring life as usual. I just miss posting and recently looked back through my old ones, which was fun to see food and breakfast things, sad to see that I am struggling with the same things (and I thought I was going to be better at the time, and I can just read past the words and have distinct memories of each post sometimes, and of what I was feeling regardless of what I wrote down)...and I just to stop thinking of the past and move the fuck on. everyone else has, I realise. seriously though, in real life too (not that the people I connected were not 'real', they are still more important to me than other people I know in person)...but people keep getting married and I see these updates on facebook and I scares me. but I mean, I am not young anymore so i'm not sure why it shocks me so much.

this is old, but they came to Canada :) we also have the cocoa and cocoa-orange (which I don't really like as i'm not a bit orange-chocolate fan) but they don't have any others and I wish we had the ginger one or banana because there are no more ginger bars out there as the larabar one retired (it never made it to Canada-land anyway)...but they're so fucking cauuuute like little larabars when you open them and shaped in a little log. they have other things like the trek bars, maybe they're like clif bars? we don't have any of the other uk things here but they look cool and I see them when people from the uk post on tumblr or instagram (I don't even have a freaking phone and I go on there I so pathetic wtf jen)...
if anyone is reading this and wants to chat or anything, please let me know okay? do I sound desperate? I am :) anyway, lots and lots and lots of love, sorry for the random-ness of this and of myself in general. ugh i'm trying :/ xoxoxoxox
because I have to include a breakfast photo :)

Wednesday, June 19, 2013


“We ate the birds. We ate them. We wanted their songs to flow up through our throats and burst out of our mouths, and so we ate them. We wanted their feathers to bud from our flesh. We wanted their wings, we wanted to fly as they did, soar freely among the treetops and the clouds, and so we ate them. We speared them, we clubbed them, we tangled their feet in glue, we netted them, we spitted them, we threw them onto hot coals, and all for love, because we loved them. We wanted to be one with them. We wanted to hatch out of clean, smooth, beautiful eggs, as they did, back when we were young and agile and innocent of cause and effect, we did not want the mess of being born, and so we crammed the birds into our gullets, feathers and all, but it was no use, we couldn’t sing, not effortlessly as they do, we can’t fly, not without smoke and metal, and as for the eggs we don’t stand a chance. We’re mired in gravity, we’re earthbound. We’re ankle-deep in blood, and all because we ate the birds, we ate them a long time ago, when we still had the power to say no.”

(Margaret Atwood)

i haven’t written here in a long time. i sort of thought that i might come up with something spontaneously, yet i also had a feeling that this blog had died a little bit. but today i just really felt like writing here, even though i have nothing to say. i’m not going to focus on the negative (meaning, the present) because that hasn’t helped me so far.


coconut raisins almond oats

random snaps of breakfast

i’m just a tad embarrassed that i have nothing really interesting or noteworthy to share.

except, i got even older.


but that’s sort of a given, and i didn’t really try hard to achieve that one. i actually wasn’t that happy about this, but i think i’ve shared enough on that topic, year after year.

i don’t like getting older.


cottage chipmunk. there were so many that weekend, more than i’ve seen since we got eve in 2002          (they used to come around, and were pretty tame when i was little)

i’ve started going out with people a bit more. nothing too crazy because…loner. but, you know, like family things, a bit of friend stuff. i might be going to an art gallery this friday with a new friend. i know, that’s pretty wild. i try.


oh, rory, i completely agree. (i love him so much by the way. the entire culklin clan are fucking foxes)

i know that there isn’t anyone reading, really. i miss everyone so much, i don’t know where you are ;( oh well, i hope that the absence means that you’re having fun, enjoying life, leaving behind your struggles and all that crap. i know that’s not the case for me, but i’m not really like other people. ahaha… im a ‘special case’. ugh, it hurts though. i’m not going to lie. i know someone who uses that expression for everything, literally. it’s actually pretty funny. i haven’t said anything yet though. but, yea…i tend to like to be alone, yet i realise that this is not a healthy thing. but distractions don’t work like they used to. by blocking reality out, i don’t make the thoughts, the sickness, the anxiety, and sadness, go away. it still sits there like a huge rock that tries to butt into everything. but i think that’s sort of common, and i hate to act like a huge pity attention-seeking complainer (which i am). so i’ll just leave it at that.

again, i really miss you. anyone out there that’s ever written a little message or note, or that i’ve connected with in the past. i still remember everyone, and think about people very, very often. xoxox

Friday, March 8, 2013

they forgot about me..

hi there :) happy march…i love how i just completely lost february there.
this is a photo from a few weeks ago, but my breakfast this morning was quite similar; same coffee mug, little cup of milk, and beatrix potter bowl, with the addition of raisins and shredded wheat bites (instead of kashi wheat bites)…otherwise, banana, cinnamon, ginger, almond oats it was!
i don’t think i’ve ever skipped a whole month in the last three years. i also cannot believe that i’ve had this blog for three years. yet…it hasn’t become anything, really. it makes me a bit upset, because i always hope to become something good, to change, to change others. and i really thought that either i’d be doing well by now, or i’d at least have a special and admired blog and lots of friends through it (i’ve met a few, but most i’ve lost touch with completely). i realise that making changes and living in the “real world” is more important than communicating online, but i don’t agree. i have been honest though, something that i wasn’t really keen on in the beginning. i didn’t know what to write, i wasn’t happy but just tried to seem that way. i copied others, i felt like i was never good enough, and never like others who seemed to have a lot going for them. i still think that way, and probably always will. but it’s such a torturing obsession because it will never go away. that’s part of the problem; always wanting to be like others, better, in every sense…it’s really about accepting yourself and if you keep having goals and dreams that are so unrelated to yourself, you will be forever unhappy and dissatisfied with yourself. but i don’t want to accept the present “me”  because i hate her.
i’m currently listening to a cbc program titled, “Rethinking Depression”, which i missed yesterday. it’s an audio podcast, narrated by paul kennedy, who i listen to often on the cbc radio 1 program, “Ideas”. i’m not sure if you can access it online outside canada (i know they broadcast in the states…i think it’s PRI or something?) but the link is here and if you are able to get it, maybe watch it, okay? ;P i just find it interesting, and i’ve always loved film and radio documentaries on subjects like mind/mood/physical disorders, i’m not quite sure why. i think that i’d be interested even if i wasn’t categorized into one or more of those myself.
DSC_0096 (2)
this was the last of my purebars…i really enjoyed this flavour, and i thought i wouldn’t like it at all. we don’t have the bars here but i’d like to order some again soon on iherb, but not now. i need to work first ;) on that note i attended the information session on the journalism credit i was thinking about. i’m not going to take it now, because it would take another three years to complete, and they do not advice taking more than one or two (or working part or full-time simultaneously) and it won’t be easy to write and work, and start your career, afterward (similar to acting). the idea was to take something like this to help me get into certain writing/editing/media careers, and i was hoping that the credit would provide the experience and “education requirement” for such jobs. but that’s not the case. and since i haven’t worked in a while, and haven’t started a career after graduating university, i just need to get going on that. i might take it later, but i’m not too sure. additionally, i don’t think that career path is for me, since it is very much print journalism-based.
wow, this is a little dry, isn’t it? aha…i didn’t predict this when i started writing. i’m alone again (sort of) while my parents are away…i know i wrote that last time. but this is another situation. i don’t know how much i want to share, but medication-wise, i’ve been trying other things…odd as im listening to this cbc program at the moment, talking about prozac and stuff. but i’ve been on zoloft for…hm i guess since last november, gradually increasing. and i’m at a dose now where i feel like, if nothing positive happens, i might just have to decrease and end. and i hate this, because im terrified of all the side effects and lowering a dose will be just as hellish or maybe worse. does anyone have experience with that? i’m trying homeopathic things too, along with therapy/etc but she’s closing her practice this spring. i hate that i’m on medication, specifically the ssri’s and tricyclic ones (i guess im on a few, but until recently i wasn’t really on anything)…ugh i just…it’s not even helping. and it took me a great deal of physical and emotional stress and turmoil to actual take anything. i get very fearful of this, and of being sick and then dependent, etc. so, the fact that it hasn’t helped…i mean it’s just another slap in the face. and it’s not like i can just continue to try things, because i could do that for my whole life (assuming its long) and i can’t do that. i sort of knew things wouldn’t work, though. i have to change and develop and branch out, myself. but, i have a lot of physical anxiety and stomach/bowel symptoms that i had hoped would diminish, especially in connection with severe panic and anxiety. i don’t really know what to do, and it’s as though i hardly care anymore. i have nothing to look forward to because i am now realise how little i am capable of. i guess i don’t really believe in myself.
gosh, i’m really sorry. i’m not a pleasant person in writing or in person, and that hurts. it really hurts. but sometimes i don’t even feel that, im in a daze. i say things like that, use strong and descriptive and wrenching words yet i often seem disconnected. i just state something so horrible with a straight face. and at other times it really hits me, just how shitty i’ve made my life.
as i write this, i am still listening to the podcast: “anti-depressants won’t fix a bad life”. how pertinent. a few of the quotes (now by actual people, patients) are resonating with me. not the medication side, i feel like im coming across as so melodramatic, but i don’t feel that way all the time. i just heard one case talking about how he had recently applied to a job that he truly wanted (he then said, “you know how you apply to jobs that you don’t love, but you need to try out because you just need something? well, this was one i really wanted”). he received a rejection letter from that one job, the dream job, and he set him on a downward spiral once again. i just find that odd, because i am thinking about similar things while listening to this, and certain parts keep popping up while im writing. idk how to explain, it’s a bit eerie.
anyway, i’ll just end this now before i say anything else ;P i thought this post might be short (&sweet) but i guess i can plan that for the next one, right?
xox lots of love, jennifer