Tuesday, August 12, 2014

 
hiiii there :)
 
 
my babyyy ;) on Christmas eve...
 
I realise that no one will see this as it's been over a year and, even if someone followed these posts they likely took me off their sidebar thing after such a long time. it's okay, I understand ;P although I have a couple of old blogs on there still, hoping they'll pop up randomly some day. I have no idea why i'm writing this actually...I just need a bit of an update on here and I don't want to delete this entirely. I need a "2014" on the page, so here it is. I've had a shitty past little while, stuff happened, didn't happen, etc. im working a little bit and some things are moving forward, but others are not and im genuinely a bit scared that I can't do it anymore. i'm not in denial, but it's just sort of frustrating/scary at the same time and everything is combining into one shit show and the physical and emotional symptoms and things that i'm experiencing could be caused by so many things yet the only aspect that anyone is focusing on is the weight. "if that increases, it will get better". I've had these symptoms (among others too) at my highest, so I know that this is not necessarily the case. regardless, the anxiety/ibs/other things (I know labels suck and I feel fake when I use them, so I apologise for that) must be addressed.

old photo from this past winter, that's all i'm showing as I look horrible now (I am not implying that I look great here though!) honestly, it's upsetting. and ugly. anyway! blahhh.
 
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wlekjlksjfd ew fuck sorry I just wanted to pop by and say 'hi' (to no one, probably ahaha...) and im going on about my own boring life as usual. I just miss posting and recently looked back through my old ones, which was fun to see food and breakfast things, sad to see that I am struggling with the same things (and I thought I was going to be better at the time, and I can just read past the words and have distinct memories of each post sometimes, and of what I was feeling regardless of what I wrote down)...and I just to stop thinking of the past and move the fuck on. everyone else has, I realise. seriously though, in real life too (not that the people I connected were not 'real', they are still more important to me than other people I know in person)...but people keep getting married and I see these updates on facebook and I scares me. but I mean, I am not young anymore so i'm not sure why it shocks me so much.

 
this is old, but they came to Canada :) we also have the cocoa and cocoa-orange (which I don't really like as i'm not a bit orange-chocolate fan) but they don't have any others and I wish we had the ginger one or banana because there are no more ginger bars out there as the larabar one retired (it never made it to Canada-land anyway)...but they're so fucking cauuuute like little larabars when you open them and shaped in a little log. they have other things like the trek bars, maybe they're like clif bars? we don't have any of the other uk things here but they look cool and I see them when people from the uk post on tumblr or instagram (I don't even have a freaking phone and I go on there I so pathetic wtf jen)...
 
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if anyone is reading this and wants to chat or anything, please let me know okay? do I sound desperate? I am :) anyway, lots and lots and lots of love, sorry for the random-ness of this and of myself in general. ugh i'm trying :/ xoxoxoxox
 
p.s.
because I have to include a breakfast photo :)

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

 

“We ate the birds. We ate them. We wanted their songs to flow up through our throats and burst out of our mouths, and so we ate them. We wanted their feathers to bud from our flesh. We wanted their wings, we wanted to fly as they did, soar freely among the treetops and the clouds, and so we ate them. We speared them, we clubbed them, we tangled their feet in glue, we netted them, we spitted them, we threw them onto hot coals, and all for love, because we loved them. We wanted to be one with them. We wanted to hatch out of clean, smooth, beautiful eggs, as they did, back when we were young and agile and innocent of cause and effect, we did not want the mess of being born, and so we crammed the birds into our gullets, feathers and all, but it was no use, we couldn’t sing, not effortlessly as they do, we can’t fly, not without smoke and metal, and as for the eggs we don’t stand a chance. We’re mired in gravity, we’re earthbound. We’re ankle-deep in blood, and all because we ate the birds, we ate them a long time ago, when we still had the power to say no.”

(Margaret Atwood)

i haven’t written here in a long time. i sort of thought that i might come up with something spontaneously, yet i also had a feeling that this blog had died a little bit. but today i just really felt like writing here, even though i have nothing to say. i’m not going to focus on the negative (meaning, the present) because that hasn’t helped me so far.

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coconut raisins almond oats

random snaps of breakfast

i’m just a tad embarrassed that i have nothing really interesting or noteworthy to share.

except, i got even older.

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but that’s sort of a given, and i didn’t really try hard to achieve that one. i actually wasn’t that happy about this, but i think i’ve shared enough on that topic, year after year.

i don’t like getting older.

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cottage chipmunk. there were so many that weekend, more than i’ve seen since we got eve in 2002          (they used to come around, and were pretty tame when i was little)

i’ve started going out with people a bit more. nothing too crazy because…loner. but, you know, like family things, a bit of friend stuff. i might be going to an art gallery this friday with a new friend. i know, that’s pretty wild. i try.

 

oh, rory, i completely agree. (i love him so much by the way. the entire culklin clan are fucking foxes)

i know that there isn’t anyone reading, really. i miss everyone so much, i don’t know where you are ;( oh well, i hope that the absence means that you’re having fun, enjoying life, leaving behind your struggles and all that crap. i know that’s not the case for me, but i’m not really like other people. ahaha… im a ‘special case’. ugh, it hurts though. i’m not going to lie. i know someone who uses that expression for everything, literally. it’s actually pretty funny. i haven’t said anything yet though. but, yea…i tend to like to be alone, yet i realise that this is not a healthy thing. but distractions don’t work like they used to. by blocking reality out, i don’t make the thoughts, the sickness, the anxiety, and sadness, go away. it still sits there like a huge rock that tries to butt into everything. but i think that’s sort of common, and i hate to act like a huge pity attention-seeking complainer (which i am). so i’ll just leave it at that.

again, i really miss you. anyone out there that’s ever written a little message or note, or that i’ve connected with in the past. i still remember everyone, and think about people very, very often. xoxox

Friday, March 8, 2013

they forgot about me..

hi there :) happy march…i love how i just completely lost february there.
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this is a photo from a few weeks ago, but my breakfast this morning was quite similar; same coffee mug, little cup of milk, and beatrix potter bowl, with the addition of raisins and shredded wheat bites (instead of kashi wheat bites)…otherwise, banana, cinnamon, ginger, almond oats it was!
i don’t think i’ve ever skipped a whole month in the last three years. i also cannot believe that i’ve had this blog for three years. yet…it hasn’t become anything, really. it makes me a bit upset, because i always hope to become something good, to change, to change others. and i really thought that either i’d be doing well by now, or i’d at least have a special and admired blog and lots of friends through it (i’ve met a few, but most i’ve lost touch with completely). i realise that making changes and living in the “real world” is more important than communicating online, but i don’t agree. i have been honest though, something that i wasn’t really keen on in the beginning. i didn’t know what to write, i wasn’t happy but just tried to seem that way. i copied others, i felt like i was never good enough, and never like others who seemed to have a lot going for them. i still think that way, and probably always will. but it’s such a torturing obsession because it will never go away. that’s part of the problem; always wanting to be like others, better, in every sense…it’s really about accepting yourself and if you keep having goals and dreams that are so unrelated to yourself, you will be forever unhappy and dissatisfied with yourself. but i don’t want to accept the present “me”  because i hate her.
i’m currently listening to a cbc program titled, “Rethinking Depression”, which i missed yesterday. it’s an audio podcast, narrated by paul kennedy, who i listen to often on the cbc radio 1 program, “Ideas”. i’m not sure if you can access it online outside canada (i know they broadcast in the states…i think it’s PRI or something?) but the link is here and if you are able to get it, maybe watch it, okay? ;P i just find it interesting, and i’ve always loved film and radio documentaries on subjects like mind/mood/physical disorders, i’m not quite sure why. i think that i’d be interested even if i wasn’t categorized into one or more of those myself.
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this was the last of my purebars…i really enjoyed this flavour, and i thought i wouldn’t like it at all. we don’t have the bars here but i’d like to order some again soon on iherb, but not now. i need to work first ;) on that note i attended the information session on the journalism credit i was thinking about. i’m not going to take it now, because it would take another three years to complete, and they do not advice taking more than one or two (or working part or full-time simultaneously) and it won’t be easy to write and work, and start your career, afterward (similar to acting). the idea was to take something like this to help me get into certain writing/editing/media careers, and i was hoping that the credit would provide the experience and “education requirement” for such jobs. but that’s not the case. and since i haven’t worked in a while, and haven’t started a career after graduating university, i just need to get going on that. i might take it later, but i’m not too sure. additionally, i don’t think that career path is for me, since it is very much print journalism-based.
wow, this is a little dry, isn’t it? aha…i didn’t predict this when i started writing. i’m alone again (sort of) while my parents are away…i know i wrote that last time. but this is another situation. i don’t know how much i want to share, but medication-wise, i’ve been trying other things…odd as im listening to this cbc program at the moment, talking about prozac and stuff. but i’ve been on zoloft for…hm i guess since last november, gradually increasing. and i’m at a dose now where i feel like, if nothing positive happens, i might just have to decrease and end. and i hate this, because im terrified of all the side effects and lowering a dose will be just as hellish or maybe worse. does anyone have experience with that? i’m trying homeopathic things too, along with therapy/etc but she’s closing her practice this spring. i hate that i’m on medication, specifically the ssri’s and tricyclic ones (i guess im on a few, but until recently i wasn’t really on anything)…ugh i just…it’s not even helping. and it took me a great deal of physical and emotional stress and turmoil to actual take anything. i get very fearful of this, and of being sick and then dependent, etc. so, the fact that it hasn’t helped…i mean it’s just another slap in the face. and it’s not like i can just continue to try things, because i could do that for my whole life (assuming its long) and i can’t do that. i sort of knew things wouldn’t work, though. i have to change and develop and branch out, myself. but, i have a lot of physical anxiety and stomach/bowel symptoms that i had hoped would diminish, especially in connection with severe panic and anxiety. i don’t really know what to do, and it’s as though i hardly care anymore. i have nothing to look forward to because i am now realise how little i am capable of. i guess i don’t really believe in myself.
gosh, i’m really sorry. i’m not a pleasant person in writing or in person, and that hurts. it really hurts. but sometimes i don’t even feel that, im in a daze. i say things like that, use strong and descriptive and wrenching words yet i often seem disconnected. i just state something so horrible with a straight face. and at other times it really hits me, just how shitty i’ve made my life.
as i write this, i am still listening to the podcast: “anti-depressants won’t fix a bad life”. how pertinent. a few of the quotes (now by actual people, patients) are resonating with me. not the medication side, i feel like im coming across as so melodramatic, but i don’t feel that way all the time. i just heard one case talking about how he had recently applied to a job that he truly wanted (he then said, “you know how you apply to jobs that you don’t love, but you need to try out because you just need something? well, this was one i really wanted”). he received a rejection letter from that one job, the dream job, and he set him on a downward spiral once again. i just find that odd, because i am thinking about similar things while listening to this, and certain parts keep popping up while im writing. idk how to explain, it’s a bit eerie.
anyway, i’ll just end this now before i say anything else ;P i thought this post might be short (&sweet) but i guess i can plan that for the next one, right?
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xox lots of love, jennifer

Saturday, January 26, 2013

saturday

hello there :) happy saturday! hope you’re enjoying your mornings. my parents are back on tuesday night…so that’s quite soon (i’m telling myself that), right? anyway, this morning i’m feeling pretty sick, not happy with that. it’s like i’m always hit with one thing or another, or a combination.

anyway, i managed to eat this breakfast just a little while ago, and the photo is blurry i’m sorry…

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old fashion oats with cinnamon/ginger and a bit of banana, topped with crystallized ginger & 1/2 cherry-cashew purebar :) i might have the other half with my snack, hopefully.

i haven’t had any of those bars in the past couple of weeks, i was scared i guess. that they’d not agree with me, but even without having them i’m still having stomach issues. i have tried all but the brownie one in the variety box i got on iherb (because they don’t sell them here…although, they are produced in canada) …so many things i wish i could try. okay, im sort of upset here. larabars…two years ago we had so many flavours here, banana, pecan, chocolate-chip-brownie, lemon (though i didn’t like it when i tried it), pb+j (or whenever it came out), the key-lime which i never tried…and now there’s like hardly any. we do have the new (ish) cookie-dough and blueberry. but not the gingersnap, the cinnamon-roll (i know it’s retired) and pistachio (which i never got to try!) and all the jocolats, the new flavours, the cocoa-mole or something? i know it’s gone too but that would sounded amazing, it was like a cinnamon one right? i don’t know why they’ve stopped giving up flavours. i know it has something to do with the customs thing, and they have to change the names when they get here, and put it in french of course. but, it just makes me mad.

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aha, and i would be a sort of loyal customer. some of those are ones i’ve bought in the states or were sent to me, like the ones with the american packaging…i know you’re going to think i’m odd by keeping these, but they’re pretty. and i’ve already had people let me know that it’s weird, like anonymous people. i’m not trying to get free things though it might seem that way, i’ve actually written to the company about it, asking when we’d get the missing flavours or if there was anyone i could contact about it… but they said that they couldn’t do anything bout it and it was up to canada and the legal issues…even whole foods here has pretty much no flavours. it’s the same with the other bar companies.

okay. i know i’ve mentioned this a lot on here and it’s really annoying so i’ll stop. anyway, i was just messaging my mom on skype (not video chatting just like, instant-messaging i guess?) because they were awake and drinking coffee in their *destination name* vacation place. i was asking for help and telling them how i felt, etc, something i often do. which is not fair for them, but i just feel sort of helpless. and i know they can’t help me from over there, even if they were here they wouldn’t be able to do anything. but, yea, they just left to go to the beach apparently. this is sort of creepy telling you all of this lol…

other than my pathetic immaturity and on-going and worsening stomach/body issues…nothing else is worth mentioning. i’m probably going to take a journalism credit or post-grad collection of courses either in the summer or fall. but i still need to look into it more, and ask them how beneficial it is, how long it takes, etc. i was trying to talk to my parents about it via skype video chat but the thing is so delayed and it’s hard to see them and to talk because we were talking over each other and now im stressing about all of this because i should have looked into it more of the last two weeks when i was doing nothing pretty much…well like being sick, sad, applying to jobs, working on applications for other things, …and they’ll get back, hoping for some improvement and i have nothing positive to say.

although i believe my brother is coming over tonight! i know i’m a bit pathetic with this, i have been on my own a lot and lived alone, went away for school and have traveled alone a lot…i’ve been much more independent (when i was younger, odd…) so please don’t assume that i’m a huge baby. except i am.

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and i guess i’ll go now. but some questions for you…what do you do when you feel sick, or what sort of things help you with stomach symptoms? and does anyone want to do a little trade thingy with bars? or just be penpals or something, as i love to give and receive things in the mail.

xox love jennifer

Sunday, January 20, 2013

alone

hi there :) hope everyone had a nice weekend. my brother was over last night, and left late this morning. it was nice to have company, but it didn’t stop me from become so anxious and sick and just…terrified (???) this morning especially. why can’t i just be somewhat calm? it’s a mystery sometimes. i sound nonchalant but, in reality, it kills me and i need to fix things otherwise i will not be able to do anything soon. when i’m not worrying about whatever is bothering me entirely, i do think about how i have absolutely no future unless i get better. whatever that means. sooo…a great start to a post, eh?

oh! but to last night…we watched a bit of something on tv, and i made salmon, brown rice (it was a mixture of brown basmatti, brown rice and a wild rice mix, and i added in a few T barley because i tend to just do things like that) & some vegetable medley (chestnuts, carrots, fennel and snow peas) and a bit of arugula (salad for my brother…he added tomato and renee’s dressing). i don’t take photos anymore, or not lately anyway. is it boring to just read about it on here? i doubt anyone really cares about what im eating for dinner aha ;P

but i do have one! this was breakfast from last week, i believe…

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bob’s red mill creamy brown rice cereal, cooked with cinnamon/ginger, banana, topped with sliced banana, sliced almonds and crystallized ginger, and some milk. and a christmas coffee mug (more for aesthetics as i had already had enough coffee…so i had some herbal tea in the blue star mug there)

so, i’m alone for a little while. although my brother comes over occasionally, i’m in this house with my cat. i’m supposed to be working, and had a few interviews but at the moment…well im sort of researching schools and programs. although i felt like i should work and make money before even contemplating doing another degree or program (i finished my undergrad BA) i just…i don’t know, i feel like i want to take journalism because that seems to be a prereq for a lot of media and television/film/radio jobs, especially with the CBC, and major companies and stations. although i know i won’t and probably can’t do anything specifically with that, i feel like it might help me toward my goal or dream. but honestly im just sort of peeking around and likely won’t do this anytime soon. we’ll see…

i spent a bit of time researching coping mechanisms, yoga, prevention, treatment, diet, ohmygodsomuch, for dealing with this stress, panic, obsession, fears and awful symptoms and i guess i always think i’ll have a breakthrough or somehow be better aha…anyway, i am continuing to do more yoga. initially i just did hatha yoga, and more gentle things. but i also want to challenge myself to other types, so i try that out when i can. and meditation…i actually ended up buying a short audio meditation called “letting go of your thoughts'” from yogadownload.com (i have pretty much downloaded as many free yoga tracks so i felt like i should contribute something) and i like the man’s voice. he sounds a bit older, and calming. i am really bad at explaining this, aren’t i? anyway…i still can’t do it for long, sometimes i just try for a minute, or listen to him…but you have to commit. and i have yet to do this :/ so that’s a goal of mine. i’ve just heard how extremely beneficial it can be…but maybe it also depends on the person? i’m the type of person to overthink everything, be anxious and obsess and i’m not that optimistic, even with like cognitive behavioural things, i find it hard to actually write down a positive outcome, like i cannot imagine things ever working out. and maybe that type of personality or flaw doesn’t really work well with meditation. but i know people can change. so i must change :) i knew that…i don’t want to change much because i feel like…although lately i haven’t really demonstrated anything good, other than being sick and pathetic…i am more myself, like not ‘fake’ and i feel like i tried to be something i wasn’t for so long. so i don’t want to lose that bit of ‘true’ quality. i’m not sure if i’m making sense. but i tend to want to please people, maybe it’s because i haven’t been around people much (wow that’s sad) that i’ve sort of let that go a bit. i still feel it though, i want people to like me…but it’s sort of stupid to try to change to get people to like you…because they’re going to find out eventually that you’re not being you, and then what? well, you feel silly now, don’t you?

that’s all for now…a bit random, i’m not sure where im heading with this blog. it was never really anything specific, so i guess i don’t have much to live up to ;) i hope whoever is reading this is enjoying their day.

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lots of love

xox jennifer ❤

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

no more chances

hello there :) happy wednesday…feels a bit like a weekend because i don’t have much planned in terms of work (well just my own things) and my parents are away. but i woke up super early as usual, and managed to run a bit, shower and eat a lovely breakfast.

yesterday was death, honestly either i was super stressed, sick, anxious…i was alone and my stomach was honestly just…scary. and i was scared. crying, calling my mom on the phone and i begged them to stay. pathetic. anyway…i hope today goes a bit better but im waiting for another attack of some sort to hit. how optimistic of me.

organic quick oats & old fashion oats, cinnamon/ginger, raw almonds, banana, topped with crystallized ginger (lots of ginger), sliced almonds and crushed shredded wheat bites

organic quick oats & old fashion oats::ginger/cinnamon::banana::raw-almonds::crystallized-ginger, slivered-almonds & crushed shredded wheat bites on top! added a bit of almond milk & had a bit of black coffee…

anyway, on to what i was talking about before…i have decided to become an optimist. tehe…for real though. i’ve made this “goal” too many times to even count. but i realised that, i’m going to have some shitty (not pun intended) days, and lately it seems like im nearly always sick with something. and this terrifies me, but it also stops me from living…and it makes me more negative, fed-up, everything. this morning it wasn’t too bad and i started to feel a bit happy…then i immediately thought, fuck it’s not going to last. and then started to feel sick, upset stomach, etc. i’m going to try to seize the good moments, when i can. and try to do everything i can do during those times and then maybe i’ll feel a bit better about my life in general. i need to stick to this, though. because when something hits (sickness, anxiety, ibs) everything else goes out the window and im a total wreck. seriously, you should see me. but that would not be a pleasant experience. i also need someone to talk to, because my current “help” isn’t…helping. nothing is working and my parents are at a loss, really. besides the fact that i need to be working full-time, getting healthier physically and mentally…nothing matters to me when i feel so awful and i’m just trying to get through each day and night, like the prospect of working doesn’t cross my mind. and that is dangerous. i keep thinking that something will work, some day things will click. but they will not unless i fix them myself. but i can’t do it :/ i just can’t. im so so so scared, guys/girls. and i wish that things were easier.

i realise that i’m blessed in many ways…i had a comfortable childhood for the most part (besides my own mental anxieties, etc brought on by myself) and my parents are being supportive at the moment, although they are realistic and very serious about what needs to be done. i’m killing them, though, they need to settle down and relax, i cannot depend on them. it’s sad and it’s sick. it needs to stop. i need to stop. it’s like i’m waiting for a breakthrough that is just not coming. i’m such a dreamer, although lately i’ve become more realistic since my life has become a total fuckup (sorry).

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my dad’s (sixty-second!!) birthday was this past sunday, and my mom made the beauty above. i love how she can ice a cake properly…anyway, my grandmother and aunt came (the one who’s husband passed away last christmas) and it was nice to see them, but stressful. im just not good company ;P but i tried to chill and just go with the flow. my grandmother is, gosh so freaking small now :( she’s wasting away. but i guess she’s ninety-three, although she wasn’t like this a couple years ago.

and somehow i’ve totally messed up the display on my computer, or something…so it just resembles a 1990 desktop or something, like all huge and warped, wide and stocky (like those wonky mirrors at the fair/circus)…i was trying to help my ill computer yesterday by deleting a bunch of programs that i thought i didn’t need. but i guess some of them were actually essential to this computer running properly :/ failed again. i hope it just miraculously returns to normal the next time i restart my computer. otherwise idk what to do, as i don’t know if i have the original disk that came with this, and im pretty sure that this was already on the computer to start with, in which case im totally screwed.

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like right now this image above looks very short and wide…is that just on my computer? baha..

well that’s about it. i meant to publish this earlier today but i got caught up in other things. so…hmph since writing the first part i haven’t really been positive. i can’t even last a day ;P but i will try. for real. and you are my witnesses (whoever is there) and i am not allowed to write again unless i have positive things to write about.

xoxoxo love jen

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

a very merry

hello loves :) i hope you’re all enjoying your holiday, whatever/whichever you cerebrate. i know i don’t post often. i don’t even consider myself a blogger, or that i have a blog. i’m not really deserving of that title anymore (though i don’t thin i ever was) but i decided to post today, just a thought i had…decided to go with it, you know?

anyway, breakfast this morning…

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old fashion oats cooked on the stove (ive been doing this more often…but i still like the micro, it makes them more ‘dry’ or chewy? idk i mean i like my oats that way so im not sure how to recreate that on the stove) cooked in water with cinnamon/ginger/vanilla and banana, topped with banana slices, roasted unsalted peanuts, crystallized ginger and a a bit of chopped prune (& a touch of milk)…

and my new loose-leaf (ibs-friendly!) peppermint tea in large tigger/pooh mug. *oh speaking of mugs, my mom and dad got one each from my brother, and i bought one for my mom…i didn’t know…and mine was cheaper, so i was upstaged by my brother aha…i got her a book and made goodies too though…also upstaged by some of the people my parents do investment/money stuff with and they delivered a huge basket of chocolate/gourmet things a few weeks ago and there was peanut brittle in there, some fancy store and i made it for my dad this year too…but he did say it was good when he tried some this morning. anyway! …

i had coffee before hand but that was during the present-opening-shebang…and my family had scrambled eggs and this pastry/thingie idk but i had a tiny bit of chopped pecans on top, not enough my dad said…and i took some of that ;) love pecans but i hardly buy them…and i never eat peanuts! i mean i have peanut butter occasionally but my “go-to” nut is raw almonds, love love them, so this was a change and they are really nice in yogurt w like sliced banana and a type of cereal, sort of sweet.

i won’t go into updates because no one cares aha, and there’s too much, and it’s not positive. but i was just on a little walk with my family and i came back and had a homemade ginger-molasses muffin with a vanilla soy pudding, and some dreamland herbal tea. so im just about to have a shower…i have christmas dinner at my grandmothers….she’s in a senior’s residence but we’re eating in the dining room area, hope its okay. last time it was a total nightmare (not christmas i mean when i ate there) and im anxious. plus im not feeling that well on a number of fronts. but that’s just typical of me, though, isn’t it? :/ negativity…i can’t seem to stray from it. im trying though, sort of, it’s just that everthing is so messed up i hardly know where to start.

but i have some photos of breakfasts, eats and what not…

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cinnamon-raisin-oatmeal…cinnamon/ginger cooked oats w banana, raw almonds & topped w thompson raisins, a touch of milk and pb+co cinnamon raisin swirl (i don’t usually like nut butters on oats, i prefer raw/roasted)

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i think this was…not sure what type of porridge/oats but i added toasted wheat germ, chopped pecans and crystallized ginger & vanilla almond milk

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0% liberte plain yogurt w cinnamon/ginger, chopped apple, chopped prune, and a bit of crumbled homemade muffin (apple-raisin-bran) i believe…i can’t see these well because the photo is small oh my blog document aha but it’s not important i guess

i know i’m no photographer, i wish my photos looked prettier but, oh well. i can’t seem to fix this. are you bored? am i boring? is anyone reading this…i don’t know what to do :/ i guess im not just talking about my blog, here, but i missed writing, and i wanted to say hello i guess. that’s all, off to shower and what not, hope you are having a good day and please enjoy christmas for me, okay?

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xoxox lots of love jennifer

Saturday, December 8, 2012

i miss you

 

hello there :) so, im suffering from extreme sadness & withdrawal from this, from blogging on an actual blog, not tumblr. i miss everyone. i miss the past, i miss you. i miss myself, which is odd because i usually hate myself. im not sure, but i think i want to start posting more, yet i can’t see that happening. clearly im not quite sure what’s going on.

to explain, well, i drafted this post a very, very long time ago, not knowing when or if i’d post it. i used to do this but i’d post pretty soon after. i would plan out my posts so much, so controlled, and they weren’t natural. then i started posting less often but doing them spontaneously…and now i guess its a melange of the two? yea i think so.

cold cereal & cottage-time

and i just like to torture myself by looking back i guess. i used to take photos of breakfast! although i have had something sort of similar lately, almonds (& walnuts and pepitas…oh my!) & bananas & milk & wheat squares & other cereals…shredded wheat mmm, life cereal! i fucking love life (cereal…and hopefully i’ll love life soon…) & other flake cereals, oats (love extra-thick bob’s red mill) & creamy brown rice cereal…just stuff,  nothing too special ;)

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i think this is brown rice porridge (?…because i don’t have oatbran here and that’s what it could be) with raw almonds, cinnamon/ginger, banana and a tbsp nature’s path org pomegranate-cherry-almond granola!

…i decided i want to continue writing this post, even though there may be no one reading. i thought i was done with this, but i realise that i have this urge to post my thoughts which is pretty self-centered and absorbed. i really just miss reading blogs, and relating to other people, in a sense it was probably a negative influence on me. and it made me more of a recluse, more longing for my younger self, or a different self, i also would look to other girls and want to be more like them (something i’ve always, always, always done…never happy at all with myself)…but i would ignore that part and just convince myself that i was being influenced positively by these posts because they were helping me get healthier. i still think they did that…but, as with most things in life, it was a mash of the two (positive/negative). i think that’s fine, i mean fuck life is not without triggers (i hate that word actually…i feel like im using it as a crutch, wanting people to tip-toe around me, not say anything too harsh or what not, i mean everything could be triggering, really)…i understand that some people might find that people or writings or photos hinder their recovery, of course it makes sense not to focus on that. for a little while. but not forever, you need to be out there, you need to know how to life and move through life amongst these ‘triggers’ and either be influenced by them, or not. or both (positively or negatively). am im making any sense? probably not. but i do have a point, i promise ;)

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and this morning’s breakfast of cold cereal: shredded wheat, original life & nature’s path org spelt flakes w cinnamon/ginger, raw almonds, sliced banana & toasted wheat germ. and milk! (peppermint-fennel-ginger tea on the side…)

anyway…okay, i need to be really honest here. well, i don’t know if i have to, but if anyone reads. and i want to know, i mean i have these doubts but im not sure if they’re true, or if it’s simply my parents/family/friends saying it to make me gain and what not. but (now this is embarrassing please don’t me mean) but besides a part-time film internship and plenty of interviews, i haven’t really been working yet since graduating. like, successfully working continuously, i’ve had little things here and there. and, in my defence (if i have any defence here lol) i’ve been working on many other things, half-ass looking i guess because at the back(no front..) of my mind i’ve been focusing on so many things and my mind and life are sort of chaotic…but yes besides that i really have no defence. so, do you think physical appearance really hinders your chance for getting work? i mean, if i’m being interviewed and i try to be positive, list what i’ve done, strengths, be very open, follow up afterward, etc. can they not chose someone because they don’t look that healthy? first off, im not saying i look really thin and i am not at all, but im quite a bit lower than i have been before, and i’m quite a bit below the standard “healthy” bmi, and i’m not sure if people are ever denied work for being either overweight or underweight. but either that or im just stupid or somehow am having so much trouble finding work. i don’t mean jobs that are higher up in the career scale, i mean these positions are not even close to what i aspire to do, i just want to get out there and back in the work field. and i feel so sick and ashamed that i haven’t been working steadily at all since graduating from a four-year ba, it;s as though i did that for nothing? and i don’t know anyone else my age (especially in my family) that is in such a place right now. it’s embarrassing, for my family too (my parents are ashamed, i know it)…but i guess i just need thoughts. i keep denying that it has anything to do with weight because i’m not very thin at all, and i see people much thinner working, so that doesn’t make sense. i have a ton of fears and anxieties and reserves about working, yet i’m trying to keep that to myself and i don’t think i’ve said anything of the sort to someone interviewing me…so i just can’t get anything. and i didn’t used to fail so much, i feel as if i’m a complete fucking waste. i remember finding a job in like a couple days both summers after returning from university like a few years ago. but yet, i can’t do that now?

wow…honestly what a shit hole this post is aha. i just need to figure out what all of this means, even if i end up doing that myself. i’ve never gone into so much detail about that though, and eating. i don’t even know if anyone is reading this, but i have increased quite a bit. already, my intake wasn’t low in the slightest, just a bit lower than it had been but i honestly cannot remember ever consciously eating such a high amount as i aim for now. it feels ‘wrong’. like i’m sure i could have eaten more than this in the past without counting, or trying to eat a tiny bit and ending up eating way more, etc. but never writing it down and saying, okay it has to be this. i even feel scared writing this down, like it will somehow backfire, because i have a history of messed up eating and poor eating patterns and like restricting and eating when i didn’t want to, and just feeling as though i have no control, my body decides to gain and it does. so a large (eh, punny?) part of me is terrified that this will happen. i don’t want to seem like i am in control of what i have or what i do because i feel as though (and i know this sounds immature) things just happen to me, bad things…and i can’t stop them. phhfff! long, long, long. i need to write this, i mean maybe i don’t? why do i feel the need to share this with other people, is it just this sick self-absorption? if i talk to my parents or friends who’ve had eds or not, they worry that its obsessive and either don’t understand or automatically place the comments into a “disordered” pile, just sort of assume that im irrational, when what i’m saying might actually make sense sometimes? and my parents hear one bit and are simple like, you must be this, it’s not okay, you have a problem, you’re not doing well, and the reason for any failed attempt at life basically is placed on my weight, on my issues with food and sickness and anxiety (which could be true..) and i absolutely do not expect them (or anyone really) to understand or sympathize, so their concern or anger is fully justified (though i can talk to my mom a bit easier, but it makes her really upset)…anyway. i shouldn’t be confiding in my parents like they’re my bffs its pathetic :/ but they are my support at the moment, they always have been of course (both financially and emotionally, etc) but i mean i hate no one, really, besides a few close friends…and only like one (or maybe a few) know what’s going on and i’ve hardly seen anyone lately.

but it hasn’t been complete shit aha…it seems so, doesn’t it? i feel like im moving forward in some ways, and always challenging. but it’s not enough. i’m just becoming even more scared of my (lack of..) future and i’m getting older, time is going by, and i’m just not doing what i need to do, i’m not obtaining any of the goals that mattered so much to be as a child.

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lskjdlfkjdslfkj!!! ahh, so sorry. today we’re having some company (it’s just my cousin and his fiancĂ©e) for dinner, they’re both very sweet and his mom is the aunt that died last summer ;( but i was going to bake muffins this weekend and realised we have lots of carrots expiring in a day or so, and i can therefore bake an old favourite. i wanted to include the recipe but this post is long-enough as it is…bah, whatever. it’s from one of our Anne Lindsay cookbooks. love her books, she’s a canadian author and creates healthy recipes; the books are usually sponsored by either the Canadian Heart&Stroke Foundation, or diabetes (so the newer ones include like splenda and other sweeteners which we never have). but this is a ‘Cinnamon-Carrot-Raisin’ bread and i used to bake it all the time. i would actually crate all the carrots by hand and then found it too much (baha im so lazy) however we have a food processor so i can use this :)…

Anne Lindsay’s “Cinnamon Carrot Raisin Bread”

Source: Lighthearted Everyday Cooking by Anne Lindsay

1 cup raisins
3/4 cup all-purpose flour (or all ww, i used quick oats in place of this)
3/4 cup whole wheat flour
2 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp each baking soda and baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg
3 tbsp vegetable oil
3/4 cup low fat yogurt (again often i put more yogurt/use a bit of nut butter for oil but this is best)
1/2 cup packed brown sugar (you can use like 1/4-1/3 if you want it less sweet)
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup finely shredded carrot

Topping:
1 tbsp rolled oats
1 tbsp oat bran

(i used pepitas/pumpkin seeds instead)

Combine flours, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg,
baking soda, baking powder, salt and raisins; set aside

In large bowl, beat egg until fluffy; beat in oil.  Mix in yogurt, sugar
and vanilla; stir in carrot.  Add flour mixture; stir until combined.
Pour into greased and foil or waxed paper-lined 8x4-inch (1.5L) loaf
pan.

Cook for about 50-55 min or so and enjoy :)

ending on a positive note, hope i write again sometime, and if anyone is out there i wish you the best and i’m thinking of you (i think and care about so many of you quite often, even if we don’t talk anymore…)

xoxox jennifer