Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Monday, December 1, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
“We ate the birds. We ate them. We wanted their songs to flow up through our throats and burst out of our mouths, and so we ate them. We wanted their feathers to bud from our flesh. We wanted their wings, we wanted to fly as they did, soar freely among the treetops and the clouds, and so we ate them. We speared them, we clubbed them, we tangled their feet in glue, we netted them, we spitted them, we threw them onto hot coals, and all for love, because we loved them. We wanted to be one with them. We wanted to hatch out of clean, smooth, beautiful eggs, as they did, back when we were young and agile and innocent of cause and effect, we did not want the mess of being born, and so we crammed the birds into our gullets, feathers and all, but it was no use, we couldn’t sing, not effortlessly as they do, we can’t fly, not without smoke and metal, and as for the eggs we don’t stand a chance. We’re mired in gravity, we’re earthbound. We’re ankle-deep in blood, and all because we ate the birds, we ate them a long time ago, when we still had the power to say no.”
i haven’t written here in a long time. i sort of thought that i might come up with something spontaneously, yet i also had a feeling that this blog had died a little bit. but today i just really felt like writing here, even though i have nothing to say. i’m not going to focus on the negative (meaning, the present) because that hasn’t helped me so far.
random snaps of breakfast
i’m just a tad embarrassed that i have nothing really interesting or noteworthy to share.
except, i got even older.
but that’s sort of a given, and i didn’t really try hard to achieve that one. i actually wasn’t that happy about this, but i think i’ve shared enough on that topic, year after year.
i don’t like getting older.
cottage chipmunk. there were so many that weekend, more than i’ve seen since we got eve in 2002 (they used to come around, and were pretty tame when i was little)
i’ve started going out with people a bit more. nothing too crazy because…loner. but, you know, like family things, a bit of friend stuff. i might be going to an art gallery this friday with a new friend. i know, that’s pretty wild. i try.
oh, rory, i completely agree. (i love him so much by the way. the entire culklin clan are fucking foxes)
i know that there isn’t anyone reading, really. i miss everyone so much, i don’t know where you are ;( oh well, i hope that the absence means that you’re having fun, enjoying life, leaving behind your struggles and all that crap. i know that’s not the case for me, but i’m not really like other people. ahaha… im a ‘special case’. ugh, it hurts though. i’m not going to lie. i know someone who uses that expression for everything, literally. it’s actually pretty funny. i haven’t said anything yet though. but, yea…i tend to like to be alone, yet i realise that this is not a healthy thing. but distractions don’t work like they used to. by blocking reality out, i don’t make the thoughts, the sickness, the anxiety, and sadness, go away. it still sits there like a huge rock that tries to butt into everything. but i think that’s sort of common, and i hate to act like a huge pity attention-seeking complainer (which i am). so i’ll just leave it at that.
again, i really miss you. anyone out there that’s ever written a little message or note, or that i’ve connected with in the past. i still remember everyone, and think about people very, very often. xoxox
Friday, March 8, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
hello there :) happy saturday! hope you’re enjoying your mornings. my parents are back on tuesday night…so that’s quite soon (i’m telling myself that), right? anyway, this morning i’m feeling pretty sick, not happy with that. it’s like i’m always hit with one thing or another, or a combination.
anyway, i managed to eat this breakfast just a little while ago, and the photo is blurry i’m sorry…
old fashion oats with cinnamon/ginger and a bit of banana, topped with crystallized ginger & 1/2 cherry-cashew purebar :) i might have the other half with my snack, hopefully.
i haven’t had any of those bars in the past couple of weeks, i was scared i guess. that they’d not agree with me, but even without having them i’m still having stomach issues. i have tried all but the brownie one in the variety box i got on iherb (because they don’t sell them here…although, they are produced in canada) …so many things i wish i could try. okay, im sort of upset here. larabars…two years ago we had so many flavours here, banana, pecan, chocolate-chip-brownie, lemon (though i didn’t like it when i tried it), pb+j (or whenever it came out), the key-lime which i never tried…and now there’s like hardly any. we do have the new (ish) cookie-dough and blueberry. but not the gingersnap, the cinnamon-roll (i know it’s retired) and pistachio (which i never got to try!) and all the jocolats, the new flavours, the cocoa-mole or something? i know it’s gone too but that would sounded amazing, it was like a cinnamon one right? i don’t know why they’ve stopped giving up flavours. i know it has something to do with the customs thing, and they have to change the names when they get here, and put it in french of course. but, it just makes me mad.
aha, and i would be a sort of loyal customer. some of those are ones i’ve bought in the states or were sent to me, like the ones with the american packaging…i know you’re going to think i’m odd by keeping these, but they’re pretty. and i’ve already had people let me know that it’s weird, like anonymous people. i’m not trying to get free things though it might seem that way, i’ve actually written to the company about it, asking when we’d get the missing flavours or if there was anyone i could contact about it… but they said that they couldn’t do anything bout it and it was up to canada and the legal issues…even whole foods here has pretty much no flavours. it’s the same with the other bar companies.
okay. i know i’ve mentioned this a lot on here and it’s really annoying so i’ll stop. anyway, i was just messaging my mom on skype (not video chatting just like, instant-messaging i guess?) because they were awake and drinking coffee in their *destination name* vacation place. i was asking for help and telling them how i felt, etc, something i often do. which is not fair for them, but i just feel sort of helpless. and i know they can’t help me from over there, even if they were here they wouldn’t be able to do anything. but, yea, they just left to go to the beach apparently. this is sort of creepy telling you all of this lol…
other than my pathetic immaturity and on-going and worsening stomach/body issues…nothing else is worth mentioning. i’m probably going to take a journalism credit or post-grad collection of courses either in the summer or fall. but i still need to look into it more, and ask them how beneficial it is, how long it takes, etc. i was trying to talk to my parents about it via skype video chat but the thing is so delayed and it’s hard to see them and to talk because we were talking over each other and now im stressing about all of this because i should have looked into it more of the last two weeks when i was doing nothing pretty much…well like being sick, sad, applying to jobs, working on applications for other things, …and they’ll get back, hoping for some improvement and i have nothing positive to say.
although i believe my brother is coming over tonight! i know i’m a bit pathetic with this, i have been on my own a lot and lived alone, went away for school and have traveled alone a lot…i’ve been much more independent (when i was younger, odd…) so please don’t assume that i’m a huge baby.
except i am.
and i guess i’ll go now. but some questions for you…what do you do when you feel sick, or what sort of things help you with stomach symptoms? and does anyone want to do a little trade thingy with bars? or just be penpals or something, as i love to give and receive things in the mail.
xox love jennifer
Sunday, January 20, 2013
hi there :) hope everyone had a nice weekend. my brother was over last night, and left late this morning. it was nice to have company, but it didn’t stop me from become so anxious and sick and just…terrified (???) this morning especially. why can’t i just be somewhat calm? it’s a mystery sometimes. i sound nonchalant but, in reality, it kills me and i need to fix things otherwise i will not be able to do anything soon. when i’m not worrying about whatever is bothering me entirely, i do think about how i have absolutely no future unless i get better. whatever that means. sooo…a great start to a post, eh?
oh! but to last night…we watched a bit of something on tv, and i made salmon, brown rice (it was a mixture of brown basmatti, brown rice and a wild rice mix, and i added in a few T barley because i tend to just do things like that) & some vegetable medley (chestnuts, carrots, fennel and snow peas) and a bit of arugula (salad for my brother…he added tomato and renee’s dressing). i don’t take photos anymore, or not lately anyway. is it boring to just read about it on here? i doubt anyone really cares about what im eating for dinner aha ;P
but i do have one! this was breakfast from last week, i believe…
bob’s red mill creamy brown rice cereal, cooked with cinnamon/ginger, banana, topped with sliced banana, sliced almonds and crystallized ginger, and some milk. and a christmas coffee mug (more for aesthetics as i had already had enough coffee…so i had some herbal tea in the blue star mug there)
so, i’m alone for a little while. although my brother comes over occasionally, i’m in this house with my cat. i’m supposed to be working, and had a few interviews but at the moment…well im sort of researching schools and programs. although i felt like i should work and make money before even contemplating doing another degree or program (i finished my undergrad BA) i just…i don’t know, i feel like i want to take journalism because that seems to be a prereq for a lot of media and television/film/radio jobs, especially with the CBC, and major companies and stations. although i know i won’t and probably can’t do anything specifically with that, i feel like it might help me toward my goal or dream. but honestly im just sort of peeking around and likely won’t do this anytime soon. we’ll see…
i spent a bit of time researching coping mechanisms, yoga, prevention, treatment, diet, ohmygodsomuch, for dealing with this stress, panic, obsession, fears and awful symptoms and i guess i always think i’ll have a breakthrough or somehow be better aha…anyway, i am continuing to do more yoga. initially i just did hatha yoga, and more gentle things. but i also want to challenge myself to other types, so i try that out when i can. and meditation…i actually ended up buying a short audio meditation called “letting go of your thoughts'” from yogadownload.com (i have pretty much downloaded as many free yoga tracks so i felt like i should contribute something) and i like the man’s voice. he sounds a bit older, and calming. i am really bad at explaining this, aren’t i? anyway…i still can’t do it for long, sometimes i just try for a minute, or listen to him…but you have to commit. and i have yet to do this :/ so that’s a goal of mine. i’ve just heard how extremely beneficial it can be…but maybe it also depends on the person? i’m the type of person to overthink everything, be anxious and obsess and i’m not that optimistic, even with like cognitive behavioural things, i find it hard to actually write down a positive outcome, like i cannot imagine things ever working out. and maybe that type of personality or flaw doesn’t really work well with meditation. but i know people can change. so i must change :) i knew that…i don’t want to change much because i feel like…although lately i haven’t really demonstrated anything good, other than being sick and pathetic…i am more myself, like not ‘fake’ and i feel like i tried to be something i wasn’t for so long. so i don’t want to lose that bit of ‘true’ quality. i’m not sure if i’m making sense. but i tend to want to please people, maybe it’s because i haven’t been around people much (wow that’s sad) that i’ve sort of let that go a bit. i still feel it though, i want people to like me…but it’s sort of stupid to try to change to get people to like you…because they’re going to find out eventually that you’re not being you, and then what? well, you feel silly now, don’t you?
that’s all for now…a bit random, i’m not sure where im heading with this blog. it was never really anything specific, so i guess i don’t have much to live up to ;) i hope whoever is reading this is enjoying their day.
lots of love
xox jennifer ❤
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
hello there :) happy wednesday…feels a bit like a weekend because i don’t have much planned in terms of work (well just my own things) and my parents are away. but i woke up super early as usual, and managed to run a bit, shower and eat a lovely breakfast.
yesterday was death, honestly either i was super stressed, sick, anxious…i was alone and my stomach was honestly just…scary. and i was scared. crying, calling my mom on the phone and i begged them to stay. pathetic. anyway…i hope today goes a bit better but im waiting for another attack of some sort to hit. how optimistic of me.
organic quick oats & old fashion oats::ginger/cinnamon::banana::raw-almonds::crystallized-ginger, slivered-almonds & crushed shredded wheat bites on top! added a bit of almond milk & had a bit of black coffee…
anyway, on to what i was talking about before…i have decided to become an optimist. tehe…for real though. i’ve made this “goal” too many times to even count. but i realised that, i’m going to have some shitty (not pun intended) days, and lately it seems like im nearly always sick with something. and this terrifies me, but it also stops me from living…and it makes me more negative, fed-up, everything. this morning it wasn’t too bad and i started to feel a bit happy…then i immediately thought, fuck it’s not going to last. and then started to feel sick, upset stomach, etc. i’m going to try to seize the good moments, when i can. and try to do everything i can do during those times and then maybe i’ll feel a bit better about my life in general. i need to stick to this, though. because when something hits (sickness, anxiety, ibs) everything else goes out the window and im a total wreck. seriously, you should see me. but that would not be a pleasant experience. i also need someone to talk to, because my current “help” isn’t…helping. nothing is working and my parents are at a loss, really. besides the fact that i need to be working full-time, getting healthier physically and mentally…nothing matters to me when i feel so awful and i’m just trying to get through each day and night, like the prospect of working doesn’t cross my mind. and that is dangerous. i keep thinking that something will work, some day things will click. but they will not unless i fix them myself. but i can’t do it :/ i just can’t. im so so so scared, guys/girls. and i wish that things were easier.
i realise that i’m blessed in many ways…i had a comfortable childhood for the most part (besides my own mental anxieties, etc brought on by myself) and my parents are being supportive at the moment, although they are realistic and very serious about what needs to be done. i’m killing them, though, they need to settle down and relax, i cannot depend on them. it’s sad and it’s sick. it needs to stop. i need to stop. it’s like i’m waiting for a breakthrough that is just not coming. i’m such a dreamer, although lately i’ve become more realistic since my life has become a total fuckup (sorry).
my dad’s (sixty-second!!) birthday was this past sunday, and my mom made the beauty above. i love how she can ice a cake properly…anyway, my grandmother and aunt came (the one who’s husband passed away last christmas) and it was nice to see them, but stressful. im just not good company ;P but i tried to chill and just go with the flow. my grandmother is, gosh so freaking small now :( she’s wasting away. but i guess she’s ninety-three, although she wasn’t like this a couple years ago.
and somehow i’ve totally messed up the display on my computer, or something…so it just resembles a 1990 desktop or something, like all huge and warped, wide and stocky (like those wonky mirrors at the fair/circus)…i was trying to help my ill computer yesterday by deleting a bunch of programs that i thought i didn’t need. but i guess some of them were actually essential to this computer running properly :/ failed again. i hope it just miraculously returns to normal the next time i restart my computer. otherwise idk what to do, as i don’t know if i have the original disk that came with this, and im pretty sure that this was already on the computer to start with, in which case im totally screwed.
like right now this image above looks very short and wide…is that just on my computer? baha..
well that’s about it. i meant to publish this earlier today but i got caught up in other things. so…hmph since writing the first part i haven’t really been positive. i can’t even last a day ;P but i will try. for real. and you are my witnesses (whoever is there) and i am not allowed to write again unless i have positive things to write about.
xoxoxo love jen