tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33739286902086801512024-03-12T20:39:26.739-04:00little love lifejenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.comBlogger206125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-40818168828994843092019-09-23T12:46:00.004-04:002019-09-23T12:47:21.321-04:00im sorry<div style="text-align: center;">
i <strike>want to</strike> should delete that last post because of how awfully negative it is.<br />
<br />
i had not posted (semi) regularly in so long, and only wrote a short note after my cat died in january. i think it would have been best to just leave it at that. prior to that post, i had not written in a few years. i also thought that the post signified a new chapter, as i left one week later for ip and just never came back to writing. i miss writing things down here, however negative they may be.<br />
<br />
i have an instagram, but it's just not the same. a main deterrent for me is that it's all done on a phone and i find it so hard to write so much from my phone ;P i can't write that fast and constantly have typos. plus, some people that i know in real life can see it, which makes me a bit uncomfortable. i guess i just felt like expressing myself more through writing, and not simply either in my head or aloud to my unfortunate family members. they don't deserve that :( i'm not sure what to do. i might just keep doing this and then eventually delete specific ones. i don't want to delete my blog; partly, because of the time that i put into it, and also because it just documents so much of my life that i would feel like i was erasing something important (even if no one else sees it). i think that's why i haven't deleted it, even though i haven't posted regularly in several years. at the time i had very few readers, but now they are all gone, and i've never properly moved on. so i guess that's why i'm back here. i can't really move on. i think it's mainly because i'm still so unwell (more mentally now i guess, as i am physically--on the outside--at a better place than i have been in the past several years)...i just can't let go of things. mentally and internally (gut, ibs, etc) things are a completely wreck. that's not new news to this blog though ;) i've shared a few too many complain and tmi posts that were probably not well-appreciated. <br />
<br />
i started this a little while back, but i think i want to finish it. i just feel like writing, just to express myself a bit that doesn't involve other people ;P it looks like fall (autumn) but it's actually quite warm. where i live it's unseasonably warm, actually, but the leaves are still beginning to change. i love autumn. i love the colours, the temperatures, the styles. i have some negative memories or associations with this season (i think i do with all of them though, and that might be true for everyone) but i try to also take note of what i love about it.<br />
<br />
i hope i can stop by occassionally to share little snippets (to no one, but that's okay) and some day they might actually be a little bit positive. that's all for now, though.<br />
<br />
xoxjennifer </div>
jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-12512550116787963992019-09-09T17:36:00.001-04:002019-09-09T17:38:30.836-04:00what do i want?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i’m crying as i write this because i have no idea. i know
what i don’t want. that's a lot easier for me to list. i don’t want to be me. i don’t want to be scared, no, terrified. all.
the. fucking. time. i don’t want to feel sick. i don't want to be sick. i don’t want to be old. i want
out of this mind, this body, this life. but it’s not really a life. i haven’t
had a life in so long. i can’t remember what living feels like. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
i used to write here. today i decided to look back on old
posts, which was a poor choice. i thought i'd feel inspired to get back to a
slightly easier time. at the time, i was struggling, so looking back and
realising just how completely and utterly shittier life became…i just feel so badly
for that old me. i sort of want to warn her, to tell her that i’m sorry for
what is going to happen. for what is coming. i thought things were rough,
but i knew nothing of how rough they could get. so i decided to write
on here a bit, because i know no one reads it so I don’t feel that embarrassed (yet). if
someone did happen to find it, i’d be so ashamed at how bad things are still. i
mean, how fucking long does it take to get better? is it possible? before, people could say that i didn't give 'help' a try...but now that i have, why am i still so sick? i don’t even
know what i have. i don’t have a name for it. i’m just me, and i’m really fucked up. </div>
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<br /></div>
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okay, it feels so sick and wrong to leave a post like this on a blog that i used to put oatmeal photos and little quirky tidbits on, so here we go :)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8wUuqA2gJxOnaOSThlQpDPRKF_18x6pN25aoGKR9p5ddHJogXT1LKOYeMGGaEQhZwDOleX-0sWXiZ1soIKfUbHY1PkoyRnlQniBt2oOAx_HCFZk4wnlgCDlQqWesv2YWM22W84pCGfwie/s1600/IMG_20160122_113837.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8wUuqA2gJxOnaOSThlQpDPRKF_18x6pN25aoGKR9p5ddHJogXT1LKOYeMGGaEQhZwDOleX-0sWXiZ1soIKfUbHY1PkoyRnlQniBt2oOAx_HCFZk4wnlgCDlQqWesv2YWM22W84pCGfwie/s320/IMG_20160122_113837.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> okay now i'm crying again because i miss her so much ;(</span></div>
jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-65985526384916568872019-01-27T16:19:00.001-05:002019-01-27T16:19:42.569-05:00evey<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOepK3Oy5P_txwUvytDFGGu5fYevACDqqIdRMmQ1O0fsFOBdqSDcoFsXU9G8o8qrBPWWugzsJHeNGQiTgot5jGf5yxAkMymKrKWk-hFV2llLsK_LVbnsUZ76k7uEUqvBNfe1G6l7Xs53OL/s1600/DSC_0132.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1064" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOepK3Oy5P_txwUvytDFGGu5fYevACDqqIdRMmQ1O0fsFOBdqSDcoFsXU9G8o8qrBPWWugzsJHeNGQiTgot5jGf5yxAkMymKrKWk-hFV2llLsK_LVbnsUZ76k7uEUqvBNfe1G6l7Xs53OL/s320/DSC_0132.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(sometime) in 2001---January 24th, 2019 ... our shelter ragamuffin'</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWOh_cTXrk_DE2143r7RbMGxfBi6pIk78Xay_a5_SD7v5llxwJThbFCERaFRjxWS6OyczVB_zMMyUZye4FoV0LVWZDibDW09zA_rVIdanZIxX1Ca7MO7XjCFXFSDP3WyBr3PAP7Xsb2UOS/s1600/DSC_0297.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1064" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWOh_cTXrk_DE2143r7RbMGxfBi6pIk78Xay_a5_SD7v5llxwJThbFCERaFRjxWS6OyczVB_zMMyUZye4FoV0LVWZDibDW09zA_rVIdanZIxX1Ca7MO7XjCFXFSDP3WyBr3PAP7Xsb2UOS/s320/DSC_0297.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyexzbnHzGSPKHK39bOUW-xfb5XLqL2OpBsBrnRMZJoHEWQm1tvMLV_nYt0hlH6QYcrebNMHzCGj1H4uPfinDSwHtaxn3zqYcoVPnMQI-ibg19tcvgu_1DSXuecmXPlEVRloT9vy3ylJ_Y/s1600/DSC_0095.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyexzbnHzGSPKHK39bOUW-xfb5XLqL2OpBsBrnRMZJoHEWQm1tvMLV_nYt0hlH6QYcrebNMHzCGj1H4uPfinDSwHtaxn3zqYcoVPnMQI-ibg19tcvgu_1DSXuecmXPlEVRloT9vy3ylJ_Y/s320/DSC_0095.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">i will love you forever, baby xox</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">i'm sorry i can't write much about you right now, but whoever knew you would understand ...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">you meant everything to me and i am so happy that i got to be in your life</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">i hope you're still smiling, girl </span></div>
jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-26299560026629109622017-01-06T10:18:00.001-05:002017-01-06T10:22:02.507-05:00twenty-seven<div style="text-align: center;">
hi there 💓 <br />
<br />
i have no idea if this is a good idea, or if i will complete this...or what i'm doing, really.<br />
<br />
(edit: i started this toward the end of november--see title..i think that referred to the date ;P--and just finished it now; i just need to go ahead and publish this before i forget; i'm really not pleased with the result but i never am, really).<br />
<br />
i know that no one will likely see this, and perhaps that's why i'm okay with putting all of this out there. lately i have had more people in my 'real' life finding out things about my health physically/mentally, and i also am realising that things on the internet are even less private than i thought, and i just feel as though i have no outlet or anywhere/place to write or talk or think without someone i know seeing it. so i guess no one knows about this and, if they do, i don't think it really matters anymore as i have very little credibility or dignity, i guess :/ </div>
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this is all sounding very confusing, even to me, so i'll try to elaborate a little bit if i can.</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
i
find myself, more than ever, looking back on times and memories with a
sort of longing--even times when i wasn't happy and desperately wanted
to change (physically/mentally/etc) ... the thing is, because i'm really
not doing well, those 'bad' times look 'good' :( </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i'm
taking too long to post this and, at this point, i don't even know if i will finish it or
publish it :/ blah. i miss this community 😢 but it's been so long
(honestly i can't believe i started this over six years ago) and
obviously people have moved on. that's a good thing! why can't i be okay
with this? i think it's partly because i miss them. i'm also sort of
upset that it's hard for people to connect outside of a connection like
an illness when the others are in a better place...it's like the only
thing we had in common was that we had eating issues of some sort? from
the beginning i felt connected in more ways than that and i think i just
wanted a friend, or a few...i didn't want to just have some disease in
common and ..i don't know what i'm even saying. does this make sense?
no... okay, so i started to look back at old photos on the blog (i didn't spend too long, don't worry, i know doing that is sort of self-destructive) ...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7GHaRt8cI_6t2eBFlQJq2JlMBDSJgyuReTFPPvEGILzuQ2sEQW2Nj-lI5KUOEEa4Y-caOgg5AGj5Fmd6k2cgh5ss2JREwRfvZViIhT5y4qqx0FMTn9Za_UfZpE4vRJgo6he2_OtVG-Ljs/s1600/DSC01542.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7GHaRt8cI_6t2eBFlQJq2JlMBDSJgyuReTFPPvEGILzuQ2sEQW2Nj-lI5KUOEEa4Y-caOgg5AGj5Fmd6k2cgh5ss2JREwRfvZViIhT5y4qqx0FMTn9Za_UfZpE4vRJgo6he2_OtVG-Ljs/s320/DSC01542.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this was from when i first read this in my little apartment in third year of uni (i've probably read it about thirty times, and i'm re-reading it at the moment)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJtXm6Hu6KltcbEh5XHuWwErmJpzlYUnX4TPcoRV1J2FVD49R8PZChGkSH5IHSJM2tSboP1zFL0bzvFC6L03h0gQVEC2anTSDxybIL2BsPmkDXlQ0WdVJEYkCKudESlBMdPuQf-zXphfaz/s1600/DSC_0305.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJtXm6Hu6KltcbEh5XHuWwErmJpzlYUnX4TPcoRV1J2FVD49R8PZChGkSH5IHSJM2tSboP1zFL0bzvFC6L03h0gQVEC2anTSDxybIL2BsPmkDXlQ0WdVJEYkCKudESlBMdPuQf-zXphfaz/s320/DSC_0305.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">wish they sold this somewhere near me :(</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMKNOLXjxOksG5ZDfwmeVl3HCANZ3IxOFQAVFKp3jd1B2BSRTGNPiaTulPyrb1-LL6bVgMLTZI_y73T0Hi3S1Dc2dLk5CJ7YV0uF9YemK-QYsixHrrFDDeeSRPjp93zMWyqF7ELPAYY0zn/s1600/2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMKNOLXjxOksG5ZDfwmeVl3HCANZ3IxOFQAVFKp3jd1B2BSRTGNPiaTulPyrb1-LL6bVgMLTZI_y73T0Hi3S1Dc2dLk5CJ7YV0uF9YemK-QYsixHrrFDDeeSRPjp93zMWyqF7ELPAYY0zn/s320/2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">i still love shredded wheat (most of the time)</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoiEfias-qrSMlpf_55zo8Auq-uXqgtc3l5xP-ggJAEzvy1jL_dzIe2kfnrYro_ltWcuysUbI78OTcg7pxzDIrZGpJytlAsOScIgDp2J891jH86ZqJ9AqS9BjT1_uJ-M1A9RU_DRo7dGUT/s1600/oatsss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoiEfias-qrSMlpf_55zo8Auq-uXqgtc3l5xP-ggJAEzvy1jL_dzIe2kfnrYro_ltWcuysUbI78OTcg7pxzDIrZGpJytlAsOScIgDp2J891jH86ZqJ9AqS9BjT1_uJ-M1A9RU_DRo7dGUT/s320/oatsss.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">and oatmeal (again, most of the time...often the things i think i love turn out icky or make me feel blah or mess up...it's odd)</td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
as i always have (almost, anyway..) i will include a breakfast photo; after all, that's sort of what inspired my blog writing to begin with :) a love for breakfast ...<br />
... ever since i was little, it's been a favourite of mine 😘🍌☕<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SbRG70G-JZ8/TwH2pIRh-OI/AAAAAAAABvc/YvsCfBG3HLkcXcDY8y1cADHXeG2AYCVGQCPcB/s1600/jen%2527s%2Bblog%2Bheader_thumb%255B2%255D" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="148" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SbRG70G-JZ8/TwH2pIRh-OI/AAAAAAAABvc/YvsCfBG3HLkcXcDY8y1cADHXeG2AYCVGQCPcB/s200/jen%2527s%2Bblog%2Bheader_thumb%255B2%255D" width="200" /></a></div>
xoxox<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-63857849205539584082015-11-27T11:20:00.002-05:002015-11-27T11:22:48.859-05:00slow down, world<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">hello :) </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">...and happy friday (or black friday i guess, as even in canada we've adopted that crazy day)...</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">i won't be shopping though, but i have work scheduled later on and, to me, it's just the last friday of november. which is scary and crazy and a bit overwhelming; time just keeps moving along so quickly). </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span></span> </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSJqwyhODwTV3cb-TS-u7J-On7Ve3sY1I9Mm83kXSdN-l_mSXnQmNxFY8ovU4_F9Y3g6_gkf2J2bMsId4qe5MzcmNLc_8TrvRq_Md-fbH1ZQfvkMWn0WkDoyvjlB6pgfTBUZ71kXZNjm6S/s1600/DSC_0017%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSJqwyhODwTV3cb-TS-u7J-On7Ve3sY1I9Mm83kXSdN-l_mSXnQmNxFY8ovU4_F9Y3g6_gkf2J2bMsId4qe5MzcmNLc_8TrvRq_Md-fbH1ZQfvkMWn0WkDoyvjlB6pgfTBUZ71kXZNjm6S/s320/DSC_0017%255B1%255D.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this morning's quinoa & oats (stovetop quinoa and quick oats mix) w vanilla/ginger/cinnamon, water/almond milk, chia seeds, a touch of cocoa and a sprinkle of enjoy life chocolate chips and autumn wheat squares </td></tr>
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i am just sitting here half in my pjs/half dressed because im too cold (or lazy) to change even though i need to get going. i'm sipping more coffee (well, i had coffee before breakfast and now i am having instant which is stupid for too many reasons: number one, my stomach...number two, it tastes awful, and number three...it's instant, i mean what am i actually doing...???)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1aFtawbcBNUvrFHHKvv4XOPosm_rM-55zdGUo4Yum1IhcW6Gwoldtd-j7MD5VoSiubl15vi7_gfLXnXpzW2bKiG5iQ849E9LoBkSj4rsSyf0Zfxqw0jsIvo06Klzh-K5SDQJd1tBLBCCA/s1600/DSC_0305.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1aFtawbcBNUvrFHHKvv4XOPosm_rM-55zdGUo4Yum1IhcW6Gwoldtd-j7MD5VoSiubl15vi7_gfLXnXpzW2bKiG5iQ849E9LoBkSj4rsSyf0Zfxqw0jsIvo06Klzh-K5SDQJd1tBLBCCA/s320/DSC_0305.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this is old but i wish i could find this peppermint tea ;( they sell the brand but not this one near me</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
on that topic (old photos not tea) i keep spending a lot of time, too much time, looking back at photos from here and oddly finding myself sort of longing for a bit of it; but, at the time, i was unhappy with my body, homesick, physically sick...etc and one of the things i wanted was to change my body of course; yet now, im still sick physically, emotionally, and much lower in terms of weight...i guess that says something. or maybe im just spending too much time looking at the past because my future seems sort of hopeless now. i have two options essentially...to continue like this or to just go where i really don't want to go and make everyone happy. i might have three, but the third option is getting much harder to try to reach even though i feel as though i'm really trying as hard as i can on my own. </div>
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i really didn't want to get into this and i thought writing here would bring out something positive. i think i'll just stop soon before i post too much and then regret it. whaat a dump of a post, i really wanted to write something inspiring... ;) baha, that's funny, jen. oh i just heard adele on cbc (radio) and she make me laugh, her accent is too cute. anyway, i must go and get ready (i've made several pauses in this post to go out, have a snack, tea, food prep and what not but i always do that) ...hope anyone reading this is doing well. i guess i will say happy thanksgiving to any americans even though no one usually wishes us a happy thanksgiving in october but whatever, i can deal i guess.</div>
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lots of love </div>
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xoxox</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
jennifer</div>
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jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-51304028159540108452015-09-05T10:50:00.000-04:002015-09-05T10:51:28.268-04:00almost autumn :)hello :)<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
i realise i haven't posted anything in a long, long, long, time...and therefore anyone who read this likely doesn't anymore. but i felt like writing a little bit and though i'd just put it down here. maybe it will help, who knows? now that i'm here, though, i don't really know what to say.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJYm95tnVTIfo_36gm0H3AfCcLDUo__ah4XR1NdGtsGI3Agj6uYejG6_1JN4Clr5RTRswLaSHsWYddqSRBchnAx2aclixG0l2y0zjj_cs40YQxVrpPao8DgDH9iQIzQxwULVJ44vigPToq/s400/berry+nakd+porridge.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr align="center"><td class="tr-caption"> this is old but i had a similar breakfast today (oats insead of cream of wheat, and topped with a banana crunch nakd bar and toasted wheat germ instead of the strawberry crunch and hemp hearts...)</td><td class="tr-caption"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption"><br /></td></tr>
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i work this afternoon at the library, and plan to go up north to my cottage for just a day and a bit tomorrow; it may be almost my last time...and possibly last season if my parents sell it before next year ;( i hope they don't. i haven't been up much partially because of my own schedule and it's a huge connection to my childhood, so it would be odd without it.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL6vj59xHA2dWZ_PWFaaJybNt3SxOMmKCb2JFiB_-9znBoBTo7LqIoK9GXQ6iN_esCR_K5g1XazFRXvFBL5lBe2vSyDO-hrvT8qo4JL4MnQcMUhZXj-kBag-F6LneYXltoNJiuUCEKfg6k/s1600/DSC_0352.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL6vj59xHA2dWZ_PWFaaJybNt3SxOMmKCb2JFiB_-9znBoBTo7LqIoK9GXQ6iN_esCR_K5g1XazFRXvFBL5lBe2vSyDO-hrvT8qo4JL4MnQcMUhZXj-kBag-F6LneYXltoNJiuUCEKfg6k/s400/DSC_0352.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this is back from 2010, but it's the same :)</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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anyway, i've been really anxious (more than usual i guess) at work as they've put me on the circulation desk when i'm trained as a page, and i have very little experience there...but they do that when they're short-staffed and i was there for the majority of my shift wednesday and it was so awful aha i was just trying to do what i could. the only positive thing i guess is that when i complete any tasks/duties that are at the level of a higher position i get paid at that rate which is like double mine, so i guess that's a plus... ;)</div>
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honestly, is anyone there? i mean even if you're not blogging, and you've moved on, i'd love to connect with some people as well. i'm not doing well in the slightest but i wouldn't drag you down with me (mentally--in terms of eds--i'm sort of okay, just not physically...and anxiety-wise obviously i'm not at a good place) but otherwise i'd love to talk to some people :) i miss you. whoever you are. i don't really mind that i spend time looking at the past because i need some sort of motivation and hope and the future doesn't seem so bright, and looking ahead isn't working well at the moment. partly because i'm likely going somewhere hellish and i have little to no choice about it anymore because it's just been too long and i've had too many 'chances' apparently. but that's pooopy talk and i don't want to write about it.</div>
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but i don't know what to say, so i'll keep this short. oh! i'm reading "<a href="http://terryfallis.com/up-and-down/" target="_blank">up and down</a>" by terry fallis (he lives in toronto!!!) at the moment, as i'm in a book club in the year (funny me, actually it's part of a local church which i've never belonged to/been to for actual church and everyone else in the group is over seventy yet they accepted me nonetheless) ...and the group starts again in a couple of weeks after being off for the spring/summer so i need to hurry up. it takes me so much longer to get through books now which is sad, and my concentration/motivation isn't there. i love reading though ... :( idk what's wrong.</div>
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hope you are well (whoever is reading) and i will touch base again soon. </div>
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xox lots and lots and lots of love,</div>
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jennifer </div>
jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-24078654500621495992015-04-11T09:59:00.003-04:002015-04-11T09:59:48.046-04:00raisins & almonds<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">happy spring :) :)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">what a perfect thing to say when it's freezing rain and just above freezing temperatures in my city :o but it's supposed to get up to fourteen (celsius) tomorrow which seems like a little bit of a long shot.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhebhWGMuFzDbdxoTzo57zUvO5SH01HvaaanCxWpJI8brxqf2VXfT1J5YenSLcdDWC3ucf9xbDcGpJ3TKNmyqIHRrHgxHyH94Y3kVYR3OXmBXUpKH9lKSgGQan-AR5bFvb6B8mWy_NFutdD/s1600/coffee+&+oats.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhebhWGMuFzDbdxoTzo57zUvO5SH01HvaaanCxWpJI8brxqf2VXfT1J5YenSLcdDWC3ucf9xbDcGpJ3TKNmyqIHRrHgxHyH94Y3kVYR3OXmBXUpKH9lKSgGQan-AR5bFvb6B8mWy_NFutdD/s1600/coffee+&+oats.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">breakfast from sometime last month i think...it's in a folder labeled "fall/winter '14" so i assumed so...</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">anyway, i just wanted to say hi and write a little bit, hoping there might be someone out there listening. and, if not, i think it's just a bit therapeutic at times. i might write this down in stages...like i'm going to get a snack now because i'm hungry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">***okay it's now a few days later and much warmer now; it's saturdayyy, but i work today :/ oh well. obviously i have no work ethic as i left this post right in the middle. i miss blogging but i never have much to say, i mean anything positive or noteworthy or just interesting. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid7Z48QYTunpB8SKCApo1f7ms4L92y1HCuKmS8fB_NrBby60OKIxtQTXThtA5IyRSsiSQHK-YD-PH1uUncsxYzN5YwamIzNDHnU50M1kdX3XGmyluWAkukDXfVT9ihF0g-bwIok-ajKOpa/s1600/DSC01689.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid7Z48QYTunpB8SKCApo1f7ms4L92y1HCuKmS8fB_NrBby60OKIxtQTXThtA5IyRSsiSQHK-YD-PH1uUncsxYzN5YwamIzNDHnU50M1kdX3XGmyluWAkukDXfVT9ihF0g-bwIok-ajKOpa/s1600/DSC01689.JPG" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">i can't believe this was almost five years ago :/ i had just come back from third year university in another province, i can remember this day (and sharing this bar--which was from another blogger in the states--with my parents); that's so sad how i remember that much, i need to stop focusing on the past so much, seriously...</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">i went for a short run this morning (very very very short) and it was sort of spring-ish but colder than yesterday, although there wasn't as much wind (the wind was crazy yesterday and i was pretty much blown over several times on my way to and from work ahah..not funny though) ... anyway...what's new with you? whoever is reading this...i'd love to know ;P oh! my eldest cousin (i guess full cousin, though her father is my dad's half-brother as they just share a mother) had a baby early yesterday morning i believe (she's in San Francisco/we're in Toronto, and with the time difference i think it was about five am our time) and it's the first great-grand-child which is great for my grandmother as she won't be around much longer. her name is madison :) i love it. my mom was like, "...madison??? ...oh, so maddie; aw that's cute, now <i>that's</i> cute!"</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">just drinking my coffee...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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i feel like this winter has been the longest one of my life. normally i like cooler temperatures (compared to the insane awful heat of the summer) but this past year has been sort of hellish. i say this as a total privileged first world/developed country sort of thing because i realise that my life is non-comparable to most and that these 'problems' of mine are rather insignificant. but still...it's been a bit brutal hasn't it? but i'll regret saying this in a couple of months when i'm dying of heat exhaustion. i wish the seasons were like they used to be; at least spring and fall. they are so short now, just a few nice days and then an immediate temperature change into the unpleasant winter or summer months. it depends on where you live, of course, but we used to get nice spring and falls. at least, that's how i remember my childhood. i grew up in a small town north of my city though, so maybe that's why.</div>
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i don't really know how to end this, but hopefully i can write here again with something fun. wish you all the best and happiness and what not ;P ... </div>
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lots of love xoxox<br /><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-41416768731054502742015-03-03T17:42:00.000-05:002015-03-03T17:42:13.775-05:00forever and ever winter <span style="font-family: Aparajita, sans-serif; text-align: center;">hi there </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; text-align: center;">J</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;">i still do write here! …from time to
time; I haven’t deleted so I always have a bit of something to come back to
(plus I hate to delete so many posts even if they are a bit shit, it seems like
erasing the past and that just feels wrong);<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;">i’m sort of posting now because I spent
some time, once again, looking at old posts from the beginning until now,
photos, food, thoughts (which were both repetitively-negative but also made me
feel sick and sad because i know now how i felt then, but also because so much of those issues have remained and then
manifested into others…literally five years later… :/ I still cannot get over
that last part…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">(some oatmeal from a
while ago…we’ll call them ‘sunbutter-chocolate-almond’ oats i think)</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Because I have to include a
breakfast photo even though I haven’t posted regularly in over a year :o … I don’t
even know if anyone sees this but I still feel connected to it and it
represents my past in a sense, so I will just start writing random things. It’s
cold :O actually, it’s warmer than it has been but we were just hit with
another “winter starrrrm” and its snowing and blowing and will likely make all
the slush freeze over when another polar vortex hits later in the week :/
blahh. My parents are in new Orleans and had the nerve to mention that it was
colder than usual there ;P I think the temperature was going from like 75 to …wait,
75 F (which is like the mid teens or something C? im not American so we don’t “do”
fahrenheit ;p); wlkdjfsk suddenly im
really anxious and im trying to drink this thing and its so sweet and I don’t
think my body agrees and my mind doesn’t but there’s no point in going on and
on and on about it…oh! Okay, these are cute: </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;">A couple nakd crunch flavours have
come here which is pretty cool and I love the colours </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Aparajita; mso-bidi-font-family: Aparajita; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Aparajita; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span><span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;">I found the banana not as nice which
was odd as I love banana...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;">(but not always banana-flavoured
things so it tasted a bit fake and very sweet) but I want to try it again and
hopefully I’ll like it more…partly because I have another three right now I think…
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null"></a>I wish we had the mocha and regular banana,
rhubarb something ones and the raisins look really cool, like flavoured
raisins?!? I have only seen those dried cranberry ones that are “blueberry-flavoured-craisins”
but they are often the low sugar ones so they’re just sweetened w splenda or
something which isn’t really what I want, I mean if they just put less sugar
maybe, but then adding a sweetener which is even sweeter and messes w digestive
systems sometimes, it wouldn’t be nice/sweet/see what I did there? oh god im
such a fucking dumbass, does anyone actually remember me, posts, anything? I know
it’s sort of sad that I haven’t changed at all and you are probably wondering
why im even writing this down…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;">I don’t know what to say besides
stating the obvious; I’m not okay. Okay, that’s evident I guess if you knew me
right now in real life. There are so many things than I want to tell you, yet
can’t; they’re just not things you put out there and, even if it was more
acceptable to share everything to a world wide web of people/things, it’s not
fair for people to read; and it’s not healthy for me either I guess; but I just
needed a sort of outlet and I do like writing here sometimes, I just feel that
(especially since no one that I used to connect with blogs anymore) I don’t
feel as though i’m talking to anyone anymore, which makes this process even
more overwhelming and I don’t even know if/or who sees this? I mean I realise I’ve
already sort of shared “too much” from the beginning, that ball has dropped ;P
or whatever they say; for some reason I am writing down so many puns/corny
sayings but completely butchering them in the process…ahhsdlkfj okay I guess I mean
I have changed in some ways, not in others, and I think it’s better not to
write it all down; it would be pointless, right? Right. It’s starting to hail
now and it’s dark out, although it’s just a bit after 4pm and I just keep feeling
more anxious, about work (though I’ve been there a while) and food and my body’s
reaction to things, ibs, sickness, anxiety, being alone right now for a longer
period of time, not knowing if I’ll make it to work or be okay there, or if I can
eat “this” or challenge with “that” and yadadsldkjflsklblahh thoughts thoughts
thoughts. I guess they’re just thoughts. And, although they seem to control
things, I am really the one who can control them and change and make myself see
things in a better light. It just becomes so difficult when nothing positive
really presents itself even <i>loosely </i>in
my direction. But I have to watch closely I guess, or listen. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;">I hope that everyone is doing well,
whoever that is ;) if anyone is reading this I hope that you’re happy. And I hope
that you’ve had a good day, or night, or morning…and if not, that things turn
around right now. With the hit of this publish button aha …</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Aparajita",sans-serif;">oh god, anyway. that’s
all. xoxox so much love and hope to talk again soon<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-47382311222350620332014-12-01T12:59:00.002-05:002014-12-01T12:59:42.261-05:00and so it goes...<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">hi there :) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">if anyone's out there, i just wanted to post a little thing and talk a little bit. i miss this and i guess i feel the need to share a bit. hopefully some of you are still out there as i really miss this community ;( i just miss talking to people who understand and can relate to some of what i'm feeling or going through. and tumblr will never let me post my own photos which makes me sad (although they're shit quality anyway aha)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">i had some stove-top oats today after a little run and what not. very short, im pretty lazy these days:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b>banana-almond-spiced oats cooked w soymilk/water, cinnamon/ginger, frozen banana and topped w some muesli, raw almonds and a few shredded wheat...along w some coffee.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">those are not very pretty but they tasted okay. i feel like i've never been able to take really nice photos like everyone else, but oh well! it's not important, and often they don't taste very good or are not as appealing if i take five years to capture a photo that no one sees. it's sort of sad, actually.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b>chocolate-walnut oats w crumbled shredded wheat! these are enjoy life chocolate chips so they're vegan as they don't have dairy or egg and what not, i like using them in baking but they're commonly used for people w severe nut (and other) allergies. i've only purchased their bars and cookies (once for the cookies, many times for the little bars) ...</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">i captured a few more though on random days when i thought things looked sort of appealing...</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-small;">cold cereal mixture (bran flakes, shredded wheat and cheerios) i think w milk. i used to have this sort of thing all the time, i could never choose one.</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">otherwise i have no idea what i'm going to do or how i'm going to get better, it's pretty sad but i'm getting so much older so quickly and it's scaring the shit out of me more than before.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">and some elle, because she's perf. and it has nothing to do with food which is refreshing and something i need to try to focus on. i can't believe how close christmas is, and how the year is nearly over. it's scary and things are going by so quickly yet in the moment they seem to drag on, particularly on rough days (which is most days). i want to see old friends but im so scared of what they'll say or do or not say because i know i look awful, like total utter crap. and im basically at my lowest and far from what they have seen and it's also embarrassing and i just can't stop thinking about that. either way, fat or thin, i'm scared to see people and worry about their reactions. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">im still working part time at a local library while hoping to get into film/the arts (yet right now it's not even on my mind, nor is finding more work which would be ideal just because i'm not doing well and trying to focus on health yet not achieving anything). and i worried about losing my job if i had to take time off for some long-term sort of treatment (that was one of the concerns but i have like fucking thousands as to why i don't want to be placed into a treatment facility) and then my supervisor has been off for months now because of some unknown illness, and i just found out that she has some sort of stomach/bowel cancer and they don't know what it is and she won't be back for a long time (providing she recovers, harsh but i guess that's a possibility) and that makes me feel awful and life just is a pile of ass sometimes. i hate how all my gross remarks and sayings have to do with poo.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">anyway, that's all. i think i want to start posting more often but i worry about sharing so much on the internet. even if no one reads this now, "the internet is forever" as they say. idk do they even say that? well i say it, so that counts for something ;) lots and lots and lots and lots of love and hope to talk to some of you sometime soon</span></div>
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jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-66153433817242089432014-08-12T15:20:00.001-04:002014-08-12T15:20:37.061-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSkCb3U6nUMjBhZxerVAoQMIo9KEnHLoM6FWwWhnbsr3IxYAx1REnPhAXhp9DUhdtmStaIWPc6RMMbdV4NXZgchpG6Z5c66QAOAs0Ib_c1qebyXAd_Z-eC_n-RGhl5sHa0QBAR1-Nn7j6J/s1600/123.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a> </div>
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hiiii there :)</div>
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<em>my babyyy ;) on Christmas eve...</em></div>
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I realise that no one will see this as it's been over a year and, even if someone followed these posts they likely took me off their sidebar thing after such a long time. it's okay, I understand ;P although I have a couple of old blogs on there still, hoping they'll pop up randomly some day. I have no idea why i'm writing this actually...I just need a bit of an update on here and I don't want to delete this entirely. I need a "2014" on the page, so here it is. I've had a shitty past little while, stuff happened, didn't happen, etc. im working a little bit and some things are moving forward, but others are not and im genuinely a bit scared that I can't do it anymore. i'm not in denial, but it's just sort of frustrating/scary at the same time and everything is combining into one shit show and the physical and emotional symptoms and things that i'm experiencing could be caused by so many things yet the only aspect that anyone is focusing on is the weight. "if that increases, it will get better". I've had these symptoms (among others too) at my highest, so I know that this is not necessarily the case. regardless, the anxiety/ibs/other things (I know labels suck and I feel fake when I use them, so I apologise for that) must be addressed. </div>
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<em>old photo from this past winter, that's all i'm showing as I look horrible now (I am not implying that I look great here though!) honestly, it's upsetting. and ugly. anyway! blahhh.</em></div>
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*****</div>
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wlekjlksjfd ew fuck sorry I just wanted to pop by and say 'hi' (to no one, probably ahaha...) and im going on about my own boring life as usual. I just miss posting and recently looked back through my old ones, which was fun to see food and breakfast things, sad to see that I am struggling with the same things (and I thought I was going to be better at the time, and I can just read past the words and have distinct memories of each post sometimes, and of what I was feeling regardless of what I wrote down)...and I just to stop thinking of the past and move the fuck on. everyone else has, I realise. seriously though, in real life too (not that the people I connected were not 'real', they are still more important to me than other people I know in person)...but people keep getting married and I see these updates on facebook and I scares me. but I mean, I am not young anymore so i'm not sure why it shocks me so much.</div>
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this is old, but <a href="http://www.naturalbalancefoods.com/nakd/" target="_blank">they</a> came to Canada :) we also have the cocoa and cocoa-orange (which I don't really like as i'm not a bit orange-chocolate fan) but they don't have any others and I wish we had the ginger one or banana because there are no more ginger bars out there as the larabar one retired (it never made it to Canada-land anyway)...but they're so fucking cauuuute like little larabars when you open them and shaped in a little log. they have other things like the trek bars, maybe they're like clif bars? we don't have any of the other uk things here but they look cool and I see them when people from the uk post on tumblr or instagram (I don't even have a freaking phone and I go on there I so pathetic wtf jen)...</div>
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if anyone is reading this and wants to chat or anything, please let me know okay? do I sound desperate? I am :) anyway, lots and lots and lots of love, sorry for the random-ness of this and of myself in general. ugh i'm trying :/ xoxoxoxox</div>
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p.s.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSkCb3U6nUMjBhZxerVAoQMIo9KEnHLoM6FWwWhnbsr3IxYAx1REnPhAXhp9DUhdtmStaIWPc6RMMbdV4NXZgchpG6Z5c66QAOAs0Ib_c1qebyXAd_Z-eC_n-RGhl5sHa0QBAR1-Nn7j6J/s1600/123.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSkCb3U6nUMjBhZxerVAoQMIo9KEnHLoM6FWwWhnbsr3IxYAx1REnPhAXhp9DUhdtmStaIWPc6RMMbdV4NXZgchpG6Z5c66QAOAs0Ib_c1qebyXAd_Z-eC_n-RGhl5sHa0QBAR1-Nn7j6J/s1600/123.jpg" height="204" width="320" /></a></div>
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because I have to include a breakfast photo :)</div>
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></em><br />jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-79453611395170483832013-06-19T13:06:00.001-04:002013-06-19T13:06:17.280-04:00…<p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial Unicode MS"></font> </p> <blockquote> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial">“We ate the birds. We ate them. We wanted their songs to flow up through our throats and burst out of our mouths, and so we ate them. We wanted their feathers to bud from our flesh. We wanted their wings, we wanted to fly as they did, soar freely among the treetops and the clouds, and so we ate them. We speared them, we clubbed them, we tangled their feet in glue, we netted them, we spitted them, we threw them onto hot coals, and all for love, because we loved them. We wanted to be one with them. We wanted to hatch out of clean, smooth, beautiful eggs, as they did, back when we were young and agile and innocent of cause and effect, we did not want the mess of being born, and so we crammed the birds into our gullets, feathers and all, but it was no use, we couldn’t sing, not effortlessly as they do, we can’t fly, not without smoke and metal, and as for the eggs we don’t stand a chance. We’re mired in gravity, we’re earthbound. We’re ankle-deep in blood, and all because we ate the birds, we ate them a long time ago, when we still had the power to say no.”</font></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial">(<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/3472.Margaret_Atwood">Margaret Atwood</a>)</font></p></blockquote> <p align="center"><img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/92e3b0b54abd2d3af25c9df756f7ffb7/tumblr_mnm1ij4Lpg1s3i3hfo1_500.jpg" width="434" height="298"></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial">i haven’t written here in a long time. i sort of thought that i might come up with something spontaneously, yet i also had a feeling that this blog had died a little bit. but today i just really felt like writing here, even though i have nothing to say. i’m not going to focus on the negative (meaning, the present) because that hasn’t helped me so far.</font></p> <p><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-cuxzs5y_bf8/UcHk9ftR3aI/AAAAAAAACU0/xIQlIrqJcZ8/s1600-h/DSC_0109%25255B8%25255D.jpg"><img title="DSC_0109" style="border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; float: none; padding-top: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-left: auto; border-left: 0px; display: block; padding-right: 0px; margin-right: auto" border="0" alt="DSC_0109" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-r2reeEsN9KM/UcHk9_KDYYI/AAAAAAAACU8/jwKTMWm5z6g/DSC_0109_thumb%25255B6%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="269" height="191"></a></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial"><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-CUpGVexF3yg/UcHk-7t-jaI/AAAAAAAACVE/AXlXTEBwmZ4/s1600-h/coconut%252520raisins%252520almond%252520oats%25255B5%25255D.jpg"><img title="coconut raisins almond oats" style="border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-left: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: inline; padding-right: 0px" border="0" alt="coconut raisins almond oats" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-lFiHnaCdGdU/UcHk_Hj86-I/AAAAAAAACVM/u8IL__GdgFc/coconut%252520raisins%252520almond%252520oats_thumb%25255B2%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="268" height="191"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial"><em><font size="1">random snaps of breakfast</font></em></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial">i’m just a tad embarrassed that i have nothing really interesting or noteworthy to share. </font></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial">except, i got even older.</font></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial"><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-y8Z-7y11aWc/UcHk_-23-jI/AAAAAAAACVU/5yNcgaXjtrM/s1600-h/DSC_0174%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img title="DSC_0174" style="border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-left: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: inline; padding-right: 0px" border="0" alt="DSC_0174" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-t3bACtPdsBs/UcHlAXVmThI/AAAAAAAACVc/JZlM4lxLvAQ/DSC_0174_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="277" height="331"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial">but that’s sort of a given, and i didn’t really try hard to achieve that one. i actually wasn’t that happy about this, but i think i’ve shared enough on that topic, year after year. </font></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial">i don’t like getting older.</font></p> <p align="center"><em><font size="1" face="Arial"><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-xWP4rfH3lFg/UcHlBTeHBxI/AAAAAAAACVk/NjTipmP2yt0/s1600-h/DSC_0097%25255B6%25255D.jpg"><img title="DSC_0097" style="border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-left: 0px; border-left: 0px; display: inline; padding-right: 0px" border="0" alt="DSC_0097" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-u8xsm2RUsEQ/UcHlCD042MI/AAAAAAAACVs/g3w2IvI466I/DSC_0097_thumb%25255B3%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="251" height="307"></a></font></em></p> <p align="center"><em><font size="1" face="Arial">cottage chipmunk. there were so many that weekend, more than i’ve seen since we got eve in 2002 </font></em><em><font size="1" face="Arial"> </font></em><em><font size="1" face="Arial">(they used to come around, and were pretty tame when i was little)</font></em></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial">i’ve started going out with people a bit more. nothing too crazy because…loner. but, you know, like family things, a bit of friend stuff. i might be going to an art gallery this friday with a new friend. i know, that’s pretty wild. i try. </font></p> <p align="center"> <img src="http://media.tumblr.com/a7cfcca895f1a0f35f12417208eb5dc3/tumblr_mn02grab8A1rw4q5co1_500.gif" width="386" height="231"></p> <p align="center"><font size="1" face="Arial">oh, rory, i completely agree. (i love him so much by the way. the entire culklin clan are fucking foxes)</font></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial">i know that there isn’t anyone reading, really. i miss everyone so much, i don’t know where you are ;( oh well, i hope that the absence means that you’re having fun, enjoying life, leaving behind your struggles and all that crap. i know that’s not the case for me, but i’m not really like other people. ahaha… im a ‘special case’. ugh, it hurts though. i’m not going to lie. i know someone who uses that expression for everything, literally. it’s actually pretty funny. i haven’t said anything yet though. but, yea…i tend to like to be alone, yet i realise that this is not a healthy thing. but distractions don’t work like they used to. by blocking reality out, i don’t make the thoughts, the sickness, the anxiety, and sadness, go away. it still sits there like a huge rock that tries to butt into everything. but i think that’s sort of common, and i hate to act like a huge pity attention-seeking complainer (which i am). so i’ll just leave it at that.</font></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Arial">again, i really miss you. anyone out there that’s ever written a little message or note, or that i’ve connected with in the past. i still remember everyone, and think about people very, very often. xoxox</font></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-59577310500102183492013-03-08T13:31:00.001-05:002013-04-19T08:31:55.239-04:00they forgot about me..<div align="center">
<span style="font-family: Angsana New; font-size: medium;">hi there :) happy march…i love how i just completely lost february there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Angsana New; font-size: medium;"><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-95nquMTytNg/UToukvJZxCI/AAAAAAAACTc/nh-nhfgAJY8/s1600-h/DSC_0091%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><img alt="DSC_0091" border="0" height="164" src="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-jeLtfiOu1cE/UToulN6wH7I/AAAAAAAACTk/za36lNKYfWY/DSC_0091_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px; display: inline; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" title="DSC_0091" width="244" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: AngsanaUPC; font-size: medium;"><i>this is a photo from a few weeks ago, but my breakfast this morning was quite similar; same coffee mug, little cup of milk, and beatrix potter bowl, with the addition of raisins and shredded wheat bites (instead of kashi wheat bites)…otherwise, banana, cinnamon, ginger, almond oats it was!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Angsana New; font-size: medium;">i don’t think i’ve ever skipped a whole month in the last three years. i also cannot believe that i’ve had this blog for three years. yet…it hasn’t become anything, really. it makes me a bit upset, because i always hope to become something good, to change, to change others. and i really thought that either i’d be doing well by now, or i’d at least have a special and admired blog and lots of friends through it (i’ve met a few, but most i’ve lost touch with completely). i realise that making changes and living in the “real world” is more important than communicating online, but i don’t agree. i have been honest though, something that i wasn’t really keen on in the beginning. i didn’t know what to write, i wasn’t happy but just tried to seem that way. i copied others, i felt like i was never good enough, and never like others who seemed to have a lot going for them. i still think that way, and probably always will. but it’s such a torturing obsession because it will never go away. that’s part of the problem; always wanting to be like others, better, in every sense…it’s really about accepting yourself and if you keep having goals and dreams that are so unrelated to yourself, you will be forever unhappy and dissatisfied with yourself. but i don’t want to accept the present “me” because i hate her.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Angsana New; font-size: medium;">i’m currently listening to a cbc program titled, “Rethinking Depression”, which i missed yesterday. it’s an audio podcast, narrated by paul kennedy, who i listen to often on the cbc radio 1 program, “Ideas”. i’m not sure if you can access it online outside canada (i know they broadcast in the states…i think it’s PRI or something?) but the link is <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/player/Radio/Ideas/ID/2341175954/">here</a> and if you are able to get it, maybe watch it, okay? ;P i just find it interesting, and i’ve always loved film and radio documentaries on subjects like mind/mood/physical disorders, i’m not quite sure why. i think that i’d be interested even if i wasn’t categorized into one or more of those myself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Angsana New; font-size: medium;"><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-BFfebWgJjqw/UToumGN18GI/AAAAAAAACTs/QK6vWgtmqc4/s1600-h/DSC_0096%252520%2525282%252529%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><img alt="DSC_0096 (2)" border="0" height="164" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-_Vfvfe1DDEk/UToumkAhW0I/AAAAAAAACT0/gAAjSXpHMVw/DSC_0096%252520%2525282%252529_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px; display: inline; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" title="DSC_0096 (2)" width="244" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Angsana New; font-size: medium;">this was the last of my purebars…i really enjoyed this flavour, and i thought i wouldn’t like it at all. we don’t have the bars here but i’d like to order some again soon on iherb, but not now. i need to work first ;) on that note i attended the information session on the journalism credit i was thinking about. i’m not going to take it now, because it would take another three years to complete, and they do not advice taking more than one or two (or working part or full-time simultaneously) and it won’t be easy to write and work, and start your career, afterward (similar to acting). the idea was to take something like this to help me get into certain writing/editing/media careers, and i was hoping that the credit would provide the experience and “education requirement” for such jobs. but that’s not the case. and since i haven’t worked in a while, and haven’t started a career after graduating university, i just need to get going on that. i might take it later, but i’m not too sure. additionally, i don’t think that career path is for me, since it is very much print journalism-based.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Angsana New; font-size: medium;">wow, this is a little dry, isn’t it? aha…i didn’t predict this when i started writing. i’m alone again (sort of) while my parents are away…i know i wrote that last time. but this is another situation. i don’t know how much i want to share, but medication-wise, i’ve been trying other things…odd as im listening to this cbc program at the moment, talking about prozac and stuff. but i’ve been on zoloft for…hm i guess since last november, gradually increasing. and i’m at a dose now where i feel like, if nothing positive happens, i might just have to decrease and end. and i hate this, because im terrified of all the side effects and lowering a dose will be just as hellish or maybe worse. does anyone have experience with that? i’m trying homeopathic things too, along with therapy/etc but she’s closing her practice this spring. i hate that i’m on medication, specifically the ssri’s and tricyclic ones (i guess im on a few, but until recently i wasn’t really on anything)…ugh i just…it’s not even helping. and it took me a great deal of physical and emotional stress and turmoil to actual take anything. i get very fearful of this, and of being sick and then dependent, etc. so, the fact that it hasn’t helped…i mean it’s just another slap in the face. and it’s not like i can just continue to try things, because i could do that for my whole life (assuming its long) and i can’t do that. i sort of knew things wouldn’t work, though. i have to change and develop and branch out, myself. but, i have a lot of physical anxiety and stomach/bowel symptoms that i had hoped would diminish, especially in connection with severe panic and anxiety. i don’t really know what to do, and it’s as though i hardly care anymore. i have nothing to look forward to because i am now realise how little i am capable of. i guess i don’t really believe in myself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Angsana New; font-size: medium;">gosh, i’m really sorry. i’m not a pleasant person in writing or in person, and that hurts. it really hurts. but sometimes i don’t even feel that, im in a daze. i say things like that, use strong and descriptive and wrenching words yet i often seem disconnected. i just state something so horrible with a straight face. and at other times it really hits me, just how shitty i’ve made my life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Angsana New; font-size: medium;">as i write this, i am still listening to the podcast: “anti-depressants won’t fix a bad life”. how pertinent. a few of the quotes (now by actual people, patients) are resonating with me. not the medication side, i feel like im coming across as so melodramatic, but i don’t feel that way all the time. i just heard one case talking about how he had recently applied to a job that he truly wanted (he then said, “you know how you apply to jobs that you don’t love, but you need to try out because you just need something? well, this was one i really wanted”). he received a rejection letter from that one job, the dream job, and he set him on a downward spiral once again. i just find that odd, because i am thinking about similar things while listening to this, and certain parts keep popping up while im writing. idk how to explain, it’s a bit eerie. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Angsana New; font-size: medium;">anyway, i’ll just end this now before i say anything else ;P i thought this post might be short (&sweet) but i guess i can plan that for the next one, right?</span></div>
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<a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-rNywSMfTXNI/UTounCp-uJI/AAAAAAAACT8/LL3CpIvWhc0/s1600-h/TPhoto_00007%25255B2%25255D.jpg"><img alt="TPhoto_00007" border="0" height="207" src="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-1GrF_i05xWk/UTounSILbBI/AAAAAAAACUE/lBEjHqOmIFg/TPhoto_00007_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" title="TPhoto_00007" width="244" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: AngsanaUPC; font-size: medium;"><b>xox lots of love, jennifer</b></span></div>
jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-55676802897899639462013-01-26T10:27:00.001-05:002013-01-26T10:27:09.744-05:00saturday<p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB">hello there :) happy saturday! hope you’re enjoying your mornings. my parents are back on tuesday night…so that’s quite soon (i’m telling myself that), right? anyway, this morning i’m feeling pretty sick, not happy with that. it’s like i’m always hit with one thing or another, or a combination. </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB">anyway, i managed to eat this breakfast just a little while ago, and the photo is blurry i’m sorry…</font></p> <p><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-a2JEJveGhsg/UQP1wcyHdqI/AAAAAAAACSE/XoPZKr5r1nU/s1600-h/DSC_0091%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0091" border="0" alt="DSC_0091" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-Svcjd33q2l4/UQP1wjBfkrI/AAAAAAAACSM/1JLkFfxPrJs/DSC_0091_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="221" height="153"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB">old fashion oats with cinnamon/ginger and a bit of banana, topped with crystallized ginger & 1/2 cherry-cashew <a href="http://shop.thepurebar.com/Cherry-Cashew/p/PURE-001001&c=PureBar@Bars">purebar</a> :) i might have the other half with my snack, hopefully.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB">i haven’t had any of those bars in the past couple of weeks, i was scared i guess. that they’d not agree with me, but even without having them i’m still having stomach issues. i have tried all but the brownie one in the variety box i got on iherb (because they don’t sell them here…although, they are produced in canada) …so many things i wish i could try. okay, im sort of upset here. larabars…two years ago we had so many flavours here, banana, pecan, chocolate-chip-brownie, lemon (though i didn’t like it when i tried it), pb+j (or whenever it came out), the key-lime which i never tried…and now there’s like hardly any. we do have the new (ish) cookie-dough and blueberry. but not the gingersnap, the cinnamon-roll (i know it’s retired) and pistachio (which i never got to try!) and all the jocolats, the new flavours, the cocoa-mole or something? i know it’s gone too but that would sounded amazing, it was like a cinnamon one right? i don’t know why they’ve stopped giving up flavours. i know it has something to do with the customs thing, and they have to change the names when they get here, and put it in french of course. but, it just makes me mad. </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB"><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-GPvYqcbSxFI/UQP1xUDuBfI/AAAAAAAACSU/bQT9Zs5V1Dk/s1600-h/TPhoto_00001%252520%2525282%252529%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="TPhoto_00001 (2)" border="0" alt="TPhoto_00001 (2)" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-t9YDvjE2enA/UQP1yNNyrQI/AAAAAAAACSc/kotR9try0iM/TPhoto_00001%252520%2525282%252529_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="184"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB">aha, and i would be a sort of loyal customer. some of those are ones i’ve bought in the states or were sent to me, like the ones with the american packaging…i know you’re going to think i’m odd by keeping these, but they’re pretty. and i’ve already had people let me know that it’s weird, like anonymous people. i’m not trying to get free things though it might seem that way, i’ve actually written to the company about it, asking when we’d get the missing flavours or if there was anyone i could contact about it… but they said that they couldn’t do anything bout it and it was up to canada and the legal issues…even whole foods here has pretty much no flavours. it’s the same with the other bar companies. </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB">okay. i know i’ve mentioned this a lot on here and it’s really annoying so i’ll stop. anyway, i was just messaging my mom on skype (not video chatting just like, instant-messaging i guess?) because they were awake and drinking coffee in their *destination name* vacation place. i was asking for help and telling them how i felt, etc, something i often do. which is not fair for them, but i just feel sort of helpless. and i know they can’t help me from over there, even if they were here they wouldn’t be able to do anything. but, yea, they just left to go to the beach apparently. this is sort of creepy telling you all of this lol…</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB">other than my pathetic immaturity and on-going and worsening stomach/body issues…nothing else is worth mentioning. i’m probably going to take a journalism credit or post-grad collection of courses either in the summer or fall. but i still need to look into it more, and ask them how beneficial it is, how long it takes, etc. i was trying to talk to my parents about it via skype video chat but the thing is so delayed and it’s hard to see them and to talk because we were talking over each other and now im stressing about all of this because i should have looked into it more of the last two weeks when i was doing nothing pretty much…well like being sick, sad, applying to jobs, working on applications for other things, …and they’ll get back, hoping for some improvement and i have nothing positive to say.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB">although i believe my brother is coming over tonight! i know i’m a bit pathetic with this, i have been on my own a lot and lived alone, went away for school and have traveled alone a lot…i’ve been much more independent (when i was younger, odd…) so please don’t assume that i’m a huge baby. <strike>except i am</strike>.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB"><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-qk41VULeYp0/UQP1y57-xXI/AAAAAAAACSk/NSAlg6Yvbj4/s1600-h/TPhoto_00001%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="TPhoto_00001" border="0" alt="TPhoto_00001" src="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-QmM91zowYgk/UQP1zHRnJDI/AAAAAAAACSo/J4wwvT6kLRc/TPhoto_00001_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="210" height="163"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB">and i guess i’ll go now. but some questions for you…what do you do when you feel sick, or what sort of things help you with stomach symptoms? and does anyone want to do a little trade thingy with bars? or just be penpals or something, as i love to give and receive things in the mail.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Berlin Sans FB">xox love jennifer</font></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-62476087465572482982013-01-20T17:27:00.001-05:002013-01-20T17:27:28.130-05:00alone<p align="center"><font face="Arial">hi there :) hope everyone had a nice weekend. my brother was over last night, and left late this morning. it was nice to have company, but it didn’t stop me from become so anxious and sick and just…terrified (???) this morning especially. why can’t i just be somewhat calm? it’s a mystery sometimes. i sound nonchalant but, in reality, it kills me and i need to fix things otherwise i will not be able to do anything soon. when i’m not worrying about whatever is bothering me entirely, i do think about how i have absolutely no future unless i get better. whatever that means. sooo…a great start to a post, eh?</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Arial">oh! but to last night…we watched a bit of something on tv, and i made salmon, brown rice (it was a mixture of brown basmatti, brown rice and a wild rice mix, and i added in a few T barley because i tend to just do things like that) & some vegetable medley (chestnuts, carrots, fennel and snow peas) and a bit of arugula (salad for my brother…he added tomato and renee’s dressing). i don’t take photos anymore, or not lately anyway. is it boring to just read about it on here? i doubt anyone really cares about what im eating for dinner aha ;P</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Arial">but i do have one! this was breakfast from last week, i believe…</font></p> <p><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-RE749mtWHgU/UPxvRedt1-I/AAAAAAAACRQ/kgnZYQCyiYQ/s1600-h/DSC_0090%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0090" border="0" alt="DSC_0090" src="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-qyo6ux3VEe8/UPxvSAgGurI/AAAAAAAACRY/v5t34HjE1ho/DSC_0090_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="224" height="153"></a></p> <p align="center"><em><font face="Arial">bob’s red mill creamy brown rice cereal, cooked with cinnamon/ginger, banana, topped with sliced banana, sliced almonds and crystallized ginger, and some milk. and a christmas coffee mug (more for aesthetics as i had already had enough coffee…so i had some herbal tea in the blue star mug there)</font></em></p> <p align="center"><font face="Arial">so, i’m alone for a little while. although my brother comes over occasionally, i’m in this house with my cat. i’m supposed to be working, and had a few interviews but at the moment…well im sort of researching schools and programs. although i felt like i should work and make money before even contemplating doing another degree or program (i finished my undergrad BA) i just…i don’t know, i feel like i want to take journalism because that seems to be a prereq for a lot of media and television/film/radio jobs, especially with the CBC, and major companies and stations. although i know i won’t and probably can’t do anything specifically with that, i feel like it might help me toward my goal or dream. but honestly im just sort of peeking around and likely won’t do this anytime soon. we’ll see…</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Arial">i spent a bit of time researching coping mechanisms, yoga, prevention, treatment, diet, ohmygodsomuch, for dealing with this stress, panic, obsession, fears and awful symptoms and i guess i always think i’ll have a breakthrough or somehow be better aha…anyway, i am continuing to do more yoga. initially i just did hatha yoga, and more gentle things. but i also want to challenge myself to other types, so i try that out when i can. and meditation…i actually ended up buying a short audio meditation called “letting go of your thoughts'” from yogadownload.com (i have pretty much downloaded as many free yoga tracks so i felt like i should contribute something) and i like the man’s voice. he sounds a bit older, and calming. i am really bad at explaining this, aren’t i? anyway…i still can’t do it for long, sometimes i just try for a minute, or listen to him…but you have to commit. and i have yet to do this :/ so that’s a goal of mine. i’ve just heard how extremely beneficial it can be…but maybe it also depends on the person? i’m the type of person to overthink everything, be anxious and obsess and i’m not that optimistic, even with like cognitive behavioural things, i find it hard to actually write down a positive outcome, like i cannot imagine things ever working out. and maybe that type of personality or flaw doesn’t really work well with meditation. but i know people can change. so i must change :) i knew that…i don’t want to change much because i feel like…although lately i haven’t really demonstrated anything good, other than being sick and pathetic…i am more myself, like not ‘fake’ and i feel like i tried to be something i wasn’t for so long. so i don’t want to lose that bit of ‘true’ quality. i’m not sure if i’m making sense. but i tend to want to please people, maybe it’s because i haven’t been around people much (wow that’s sad) that i’ve sort of let that go a bit. i still feel it though, i want people to like me…but it’s sort of stupid to try to change to get people to like you…because they’re going to find out eventually that you’re not being you, and then what? well, you feel silly now, don’t you? </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Arial">that’s all for now…a bit random, i’m not sure where im heading with this blog. it was never really anything specific, so i guess i don’t have much to live up to ;) i hope whoever is reading this is enjoying their day.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Arial"><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-G6QBUyimCsA/UPxvTIwZF1I/AAAAAAAACRg/X1oPpnCLnis/s1600-h/TPhoto_00001%252520%2525282%252529%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="TPhoto_00001 (2)" border="0" alt="TPhoto_00001 (2)" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-xMn2N7_KH8c/UPxvTtG6rSI/AAAAAAAACRo/qc8oPsbZn5Q/TPhoto_00001%252520%2525282%252529_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="166" height="177"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><em><font face="Arial">lots of love</font></em></p> <p align="center"><em><font face="Arial">xox jennifer ❤</font></em></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-62903897414697790952013-01-09T15:53:00.001-05:002013-01-09T15:53:14.071-05:00no more chances<p align="center"><font size="2" face="Aparajita">hello there :) happy wednesday…feels a bit like a weekend because i don’t have much planned in terms of work (well just my own things) and my parents are away. but i woke up super early as usual, and managed to run a bit, shower and eat a lovely breakfast. </font></p> <p align="center"><font size="2" face="Aparajita">yesterday was death, honestly either i was super stressed, sick, anxious…i was alone and my stomach was honestly just…scary. and i was scared. crying, calling my mom on the phone and i begged them to stay. pathetic. anyway…i hope today goes a bit better but im waiting for another attack of some sort to hit. how optimistic of me.</font></p> <p><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-Mcpt38upUpw/UO3YqPTX8wI/AAAAAAAACQM/4KO9ygARF_Y/s1600-h/DSC_0094%25255B2%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0094" border="0" alt="organic quick oats & old fashion oats, cinnamon/ginger, raw almonds, banana, topped with crystallized ginger (lots of ginger), sliced almonds and crushed shredded wheat bites" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-Jd6CKwBA98Y/UO3YraytMXI/AAAAAAAACQU/-kwWoYyvMao/DSC_0094_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="200"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Aparajita"><em>organic quick oats & old fashion oats::ginger/cinnamon::banana::raw-almonds::crystallized-ginger, slivered-almonds & crushed shredded wheat bites on top! added a bit of almond milk & had a bit of black coffee…</em></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Aparajita">anyway, on to what i was talking about before…i have decided to become an optimist. tehe…for real though. i’ve made this “goal” too many times to even count. but i realised that, i’m going to have some shitty (not pun intended) days, and lately it seems like im nearly always sick with something. and this terrifies me, but it also stops me from living…and it makes me more negative, fed-up, everything. this morning it wasn’t too bad and i started to feel a bit happy…then i immediately thought, fuck it’s not going to last. and then started to feel sick, upset stomach, etc. i’m going to try to seize the good moments, when i can. and try to do everything i can do during those times and then maybe i’ll feel a bit better about my life in general. i need to stick to this, though. because when something hits (sickness, anxiety, ibs) everything else goes out the window and im a total wreck. seriously, you should see me. but that would not be a pleasant experience. i also need someone to talk to, because my current “help” isn’t…helping. nothing is working and my parents are at a loss, really. besides the fact that i need to be working full-time, getting healthier physically and mentally…nothing matters to me when i feel so awful and i’m just trying to get through each day and night, like the prospect of working doesn’t cross my mind. and that is dangerous. i keep thinking that something will work, some day things will click. but they will not unless i fix them myself. but i can’t do it :/ i just can’t. im so so so scared, guys/girls. and i wish that things were easier.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Aparajita">i realise that i’m blessed in many ways…i had a comfortable childhood for the most part (besides my own mental anxieties, etc brought on by myself) and my parents are being supportive at the moment, although they are realistic and very serious about what needs to be done. i’m killing them, though, they need to settle down and relax, i cannot depend on them. it’s sad and it’s sick. it needs to stop. i need to stop. it’s like i’m waiting for a breakthrough that is just not coming. i’m such a dreamer, although lately i’ve become more realistic since my life has become a total fuckup (sorry).</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-eR1r5H5XSc4/UO3YsVgrlvI/AAAAAAAACQc/gGeFrsWH7sk/s1600-h/DSC_0091%252520%2525283%252529%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0091 (3)" border="0" alt="DSC_0091 (3)" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-tFXkMu-yQD4/UO3Ys5rYpJI/AAAAAAAACQk/O3Y9HpsW9DI/DSC_0091%252520%2525283%252529_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Aparajita">my dad’s (sixty-second!!) birthday was this past sunday, and my mom made the beauty above. i love how she can ice a cake properly…anyway, my grandmother and aunt came (the one who’s husband passed away last christmas) and it was nice to see them, but stressful. im just not good company ;P but i tried to chill and just go with the flow. my grandmother is, gosh so freaking small now :( she’s wasting away. but i guess she’s ninety-three, although she wasn’t like this a couple years ago.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Aparajita">and somehow i’ve totally messed up the display on my computer, or something…so it just resembles a 1990 desktop or something, like all huge and warped, wide and stocky (like those wonky mirrors at the fair/circus)…i was trying to help my ill computer yesterday by deleting a bunch of programs that i thought i didn’t need. but i guess some of them were actually essential to this computer running properly :/ failed again. i hope it just miraculously returns to normal the next time i restart my computer. otherwise idk what to do, as i don’t know if i have the original disk that came with this, and im pretty sure that this was already on the computer to start with, in which case im totally screwed.</font></p> <p><font face="Aparajita"><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-Cq78K3dCGP0/UO3YtiJBrCI/AAAAAAAACQs/RvCmLJBjrkw/s1600-h/TPhoto_00002%25255B8%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="TPhoto_00002" border="0" alt="TPhoto_00002" src="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-Yx-ASi-Fqvw/UO3YuHZNHXI/AAAAAAAACQ0/8dxQX_T1F4M/TPhoto_00002_thumb%25255B2%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="110" height="201"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Aparajita"><strike>like right now this image above looks very short and wide…is that just on my computer? baha..</strike></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Aparajita">well that’s about it. i meant to publish this earlier today but i got caught up in other things. so…hmph since writing the first part i haven’t really been positive. i can’t even last a day ;P but i will try. for real. and you are my witnesses (whoever is there) and i am not allowed to write again unless i have positive things to write about.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Aparajita">xoxoxo love jen</font></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-43572606681584635882012-12-25T13:28:00.001-05:002012-12-25T13:28:22.637-05:00a very merry<p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT">hello loves :) i hope you’re all enjoying your holiday, whatever/whichever you cerebrate. i know i don’t post often. i don’t even consider myself a blogger, or that i have a blog. i’m not really deserving of that title anymore (though i don’t thin i ever was) but i decided to post today, just a thought i had…decided to go with it, you know? </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT">anyway, breakfast this morning…</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT"></font><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-SPRLEjhtD6s/UNnwLlSVFSI/AAAAAAAACOo/1eVvLnvUYfA/s1600-h/DSC_0093%25255B2%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0093" border="0" alt="DSC_0093" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-oCXjZ4RFL3c/UNnwMARejhI/AAAAAAAACOw/OEFgyzJL2GU/DSC_0093_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="146"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT"><strong>old fashion oats cooked on the stove (ive been doing this more often…but i still like the micro, it makes them more ‘dry’ or chewy? idk i mean i like my oats that way so im not sure how to recreate that on the stove) cooked in water with cinnamon/ginger/vanilla and banana, topped with banana slices, roasted unsalted peanuts, crystallized ginger and a a bit of chopped prune (& a touch of milk)…</strong></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT">and my new loose-leaf (ibs-friendly!) peppermint tea in large tigger/pooh mug. *oh speaking of mugs, my mom and dad got one each from my brother, and i bought one for my mom…i didn’t know…and mine was cheaper, so i was upstaged by my brother aha…i got her a book and made goodies too though…also upstaged by some of the people my parents do investment/money stuff with and they delivered a huge basket of chocolate/gourmet things a few weeks ago and there was peanut brittle in there, some fancy store and i made it for my dad this year too…but he did say it was good when he tried some this morning. anyway! …</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT">i had coffee before hand but that was during the present-opening-shebang…and my family had scrambled eggs and this pastry/thingie idk but i had a tiny bit of chopped pecans on top, not enough my dad said…and i took some of that ;) love pecans but i hardly buy them…and i never eat peanuts! i mean i have peanut butter occasionally but my “go-to” nut is raw almonds, love love them, so this was a change and they are really nice in yogurt w like sliced banana and a type of cereal, sort of sweet.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT">i won’t go into updates because no one cares aha, and there’s too much, and it’s not positive. but i was just on a little walk with my family and i came back and had a homemade ginger-molasses muffin with a vanilla soy pudding, and some dreamland herbal tea. so im just about to have a shower…i have christmas dinner at my grandmothers….she’s in a senior’s residence but we’re eating in the dining room area, hope its okay. last time it was a total nightmare (not christmas i mean when i ate there) and im anxious. plus im not feeling that well on a number of fronts. but that’s just typical of me, though, isn’t it? :/ negativity…i can’t seem to stray from it. im trying though, sort of, it’s just that everthing is so messed up i hardly know where to start.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT">but i have some photos of breakfasts, eats and what not…</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT"><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-l8P6gFWifmw/UNnwM9S-3vI/AAAAAAAACO4/oMhknFtXKok/s1600-h/DSC_0094%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0094" border="0" alt="DSC_0094" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-BmuddP7voAU/UNnwNaabrtI/AAAAAAAACPA/9wIWOOnnJxw/DSC_0094_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="156" height="230"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><em><font face="Bodoni MT">cinnamon-raisin-oatmeal…cinnamon/ginger cooked oats w banana, raw almonds </font></em><em><font face="Bodoni MT">& topped w thompson raisins, a touch of milk and pb+co cinnamon raisin swirl (i don’t usually like nut butters on oats, i prefer raw/roasted)</font></em></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT"><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-FkMDS7lm6yE/UNnwOsoifrI/AAAAAAAACPI/bmze9eZuYCc/s1600-h/DSC_0093%252520%2525282%252529%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0093 (2)" border="0" alt="DSC_0093 (2)" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-7_1sf2omDIU/UNnwPGXvSGI/AAAAAAAACPQ/nu_v9jBKnvE/DSC_0093%252520%2525282%252529_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="214" height="151"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><em><font face="Bodoni MT">i think this was…not sure what type of porridge/oats but i added toasted wheat germ, chopped pecans and crystallized ginger & vanilla almond milk</font></em></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT"><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-fpNHlncklzI/UNnwQDmY-2I/AAAAAAAACPY/c1ovcGf_IGI/s1600-h/DSC_0090%252520%2525283%252529%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0090 (3)" border="0" alt="DSC_0090 (3)" src="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-ODA-QWFU_1U/UNnwQgH7VjI/AAAAAAAACPg/2xp6b8WEY4Y/DSC_0090%252520%2525283%252529_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><em><font face="Bodoni MT">0% liberte plain yogurt w cinnamon/ginger, chopped apple, chopped prune, and a bit of crumbled homemade muffin (apple-raisin-bran) i believe…i can’t see these well because the photo is small oh my blog document aha but it’s not important i guess</font></em></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT">i know i’m no photographer, i wish my photos looked prettier but, oh well. i can’t seem to fix this. are you bored? am i boring? is anyone reading this…i don’t know what to do :/ i guess im not just talking about my blog, here, but i missed writing, and i wanted to say hello i guess. that’s all, off to shower and what not, hope you are having a good day and please enjoy christmas for me, okay?</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-8egZ9HLI76Y/UNnwRILmXZI/AAAAAAAACPo/T8NZK_EqfKM/s1600-h/DSC_0094%252520%2525282%252529%25255B8%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0094 (2)" border="0" alt="DSC_0094 (2)" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-Gz4UKuPlDmg/UNnwRejmiCI/AAAAAAAACPw/mymXUxtxSW0/DSC_0094%252520%2525282%252529_thumb%25255B2%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="104" height="215"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT">xoxox lots of love jennifer</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bodoni MT"></font></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-4668470822643117872012-12-08T12:27:00.001-05:002012-12-08T12:27:41.059-05:00i miss you<p align="center"> </p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">hello there :) so, im suffering from extreme sadness & withdrawal from this, from blogging on an actual blog, not tumblr. i miss everyone. i miss the past, i miss you. i miss myself, which is odd because i usually hate myself. im not sure, but i think i want to start posting more, yet i can’t see that happening. clearly im not quite sure what’s going on.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">to explain, well, i drafted this post a very, <em>very</em> long time ago, not knowing when or if i’d post it. i used to do this but i’d post pretty soon after. i would plan out my posts so much, so controlled, and they weren’t natural. then i started posting less often but doing them spontaneously…and now i guess its a melange of the two? yea i think so.</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-qEvNvapSEs8/UMN4eKSJ50I/AAAAAAAACMs/iVCwi1K0abo/s1600-h/cold-cereal--cottage-time3.jpg"><font face="Bell MT"><img style="background-image: none; border-right-width: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; border-top-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; margin-left: auto; border-left-width: 0px; margin-right: auto; padding-top: 0px" title="cold cereal & cottage-time" border="0" alt="cold cereal & cottage-time" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-t5cWMR2JCIM/UMN4eoBIO2I/AAAAAAAACM0/aF4ThgYUNnI/cold-cereal--cottage-time_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></font></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">and i just like to torture myself by looking back i guess. i used to take photos of breakfast! although i have had something sort of similar lately, almonds (& walnuts and pepitas…oh my!) & bananas & milk & wheat squares & other cereals…shredded wheat mmm, life cereal! i fucking love life (cereal…and hopefully i’ll love life soon…) & other flake cereals, oats (love extra-thick bob’s red mill) & creamy brown rice cereal…just stuff, nothing too special ;) </font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-d7mKKCi2o3U/UMN4fn-3QwI/AAAAAAAACM8/ipgxPWNKf8I/s1600-h/DSC_0096-27.jpg"><font face="Bell MT"><img style="border-right-width: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0096 (2)" border="0" alt="DSC_0096 (2)" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-MHwRxHohywo/UMN4gDYa7yI/AAAAAAAACNE/lh2jipDdQC0/DSC_0096-2_thumb1.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="169"></font></a></p> <p align="center"><u><font face="Bell MT">i think this is brown rice porridge (?…because i don’t have oatbran here and that’s what it could be) with raw almonds, cinnamon/ginger, banana and a tbsp nature’s path org pomegranate-cherry-almond granola!</font></u></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">…i decided i want to continue writing this post, even though there may be no one reading. i thought i was done with this, but i realise that i have this urge to post my thoughts which is pretty self-centered and absorbed. i really just miss reading blogs, and relating to other people, in a sense it was probably a negative influence on me. and it made me more of a recluse, more longing for my younger self, or a different self, i also would look to other girls and want to be more like them (something i’ve always, always, always done…never happy at all with myself)…but i would ignore that part and just convince myself that i was being influenced positively by these posts because they were helping me get healthier. i still think they did that…but, as with most things in life, it was a mash of the two (positive/negative). i think that’s fine, i mean fuck life is not without triggers (i hate that word actually…i feel like im using it as a crutch, wanting people to tip-toe around me, not say anything too harsh or what not, i mean everything could be triggering, really)…i understand that some people might find that people or writings or photos hinder their recovery, of course it makes sense not to focus on that. for a little while. but not forever, you need to be out there, you need to know how to life and move through life amongst these ‘triggers’ and either be influenced by them, or not. or both (positively or negatively). am im making any sense? probably not. but i do have a point, i promise ;)</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-95gSQ50hBls/UMN4hKcfqxI/AAAAAAAACNM/1vYVROetkso/s1600-h/DSC_0091%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><font face="Bell MT"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0091" border="0" alt="DSC_0091" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-8cyaKqlhv7E/UMN4hs2Hz4I/AAAAAAAACNQ/1WQuFlvfOkA/DSC_0091_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></font></a></p> <p align="center"><u><font face="Bell MT">and this morning’s breakfast of cold cereal: shredded wheat, original life & nature’s path org spelt flakes w cinnamon/ginger, raw almonds, sliced banana & toasted wheat germ. and milk! (peppermint-fennel-ginger tea on the side…)</font></u></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">anyway…okay, i need to be really honest here. well, i don’t know if i have to, but if anyone reads. and i want to know, i mean i have these doubts but im not sure if they’re true, or if it’s simply my parents/family/friends saying it to make me gain and what not. but (now this is embarrassing please don’t me mean) but besides a part-time film internship and plenty of interviews, i haven’t really been working yet since graduating. like, successfully working continuously, i’ve had little things here and there. and, in my defence (if i have any defence here lol) i’ve been working on many other things, half-ass looking i guess because at the back(no front..) of my mind i’ve been focusing on so many things and my mind and life are sort of chaotic…but yes besides that i really have no defence. so, do you think physical appearance really hinders your chance for getting work? i mean, if i’m being interviewed and i try to be positive, list what i’ve done, strengths, be very open, follow up afterward, etc. can they not chose someone because they don’t look that healthy? first off, im not saying i look really thin and i am not at all, but im quite a bit lower than i have been before, and i’m quite a bit below the standard “healthy” bmi, and i’m not sure if people are ever denied work for being either overweight or underweight. but either that or im just stupid or somehow am having so much trouble finding work. i don’t mean jobs that are higher up in the career scale, i mean these positions are not even close to what i aspire to do, i just want to get out there and back in the work field. and i feel so sick and ashamed that i haven’t been working steadily at all since graduating from a four-year ba, it;s as though i did that for nothing? and i don’t know anyone else my age (especially in my family) that is in such a place right now. it’s embarrassing, for my family too (my parents are ashamed, i know it)…but i guess i just need thoughts. i keep denying that it has anything to do with weight because i’m not very thin at all, and i see people much thinner working, so that doesn’t make sense. i have a ton of fears and anxieties and reserves about working, yet i’m trying to keep that to myself and i don’t think i’ve said anything of the sort to someone interviewing me…so i just can’t get anything. and i didn’t used to fail so much, i feel as if i’m a complete fucking waste. i remember finding a job in like a couple days both summers after returning from university like a few years ago. but yet, i can’t do that now?</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">wow…honestly what a shit hole this post is aha. i just need to figure out what all of this means, even if i end up doing that myself. i’ve never gone into so much detail about that though, and eating. i don’t even know if anyone is reading this, but i have increased quite a bit. already, my intake wasn’t low in the slightest, just a bit lower than it had been but i honestly cannot remember ever consciously eating such a high amount as i aim for now. it feels ‘wrong’. like i’m sure i could have eaten more than this in the past without counting, or trying to eat a tiny bit and ending up eating way more, etc. but never writing it down and saying, okay it has to be this. i even feel scared writing this down, like it will somehow backfire, because i have a history of messed up eating and poor eating patterns and like restricting and eating when i didn’t want to, and just feeling as though i have no control, my body decides to gain and it does. so a large (eh, punny?) part of me is terrified that this will happen. i don’t want to seem like i am in control of what i have or what i do because i feel as though (and i know this sounds immature) things just happen to me, bad things…and i can’t stop them. phhfff! long, long, long. i need to write this, i mean maybe i don’t? why do i feel the need to share this with other people, is it just this sick self-absorption? if i talk to my parents or friends who’ve had eds or not, they worry that its obsessive and either don’t understand or automatically place the comments into a “disordered” pile, just sort of assume that im irrational, when what i’m saying might actually make sense sometimes? and my parents hear one bit and are simple like, you must be this, it’s not okay, you have a problem, you’re not doing well, and the reason for any failed attempt at life basically is placed on my weight, on my issues with food and sickness and anxiety (which could be true..) and i absolutely do not expect them (or anyone really) to understand or sympathize, so their concern or anger is fully justified (though i can talk to my mom a bit easier, but it makes her really upset)…anyway. i shouldn’t be confiding in my parents like they’re my bffs its pathetic :/ but they are my support at the moment, they always have been of course (both financially and emotionally, etc) but i mean i hate no one, really, besides a few close friends…and only like one (or maybe a few) know what’s going on and i’ve hardly seen anyone lately. </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">but it hasn’t been complete shit aha…it seems so, doesn’t it? i feel like im moving forward in some ways, and always challenging. but it’s not enough. i’m just becoming even more scared of my (lack of..) future and i’m getting older, time is going by, and i’m just not doing what i need to do, i’m not obtaining any of the goals that mattered so much to be as a child.</font></p> <p><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-Bc3pvPGCWAo/UMN4iZVc8LI/AAAAAAAACNc/YSFozDoJ_mM/s1600-h/DSC_00923.jpg"><font face="Bell MT"><img style="background-image: none; border-right-width: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; border-top-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; margin-left: auto; border-left-width: 0px; margin-right: auto; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0092" border="0" alt="DSC_0092" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-SlXlRHgfqjs/UMN4i-bDZbI/AAAAAAAACNk/guHjacQ2G1I/DSC_0092_thumb1.jpg?imgmax=800" width="135" height="217"></font></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">lskjdlfkjdslfkj!!! ahh, so sorry. today we’re having some company (it’s just my cousin and his fiancée) for dinner, they’re both very sweet and his mom is the aunt that died last summer ;( but i was going to bake muffins this weekend and realised we have lots of carrots expiring in a day or so, and i can therefore bake an old favourite. i wanted to include the recipe but this post is long-enough as it is…bah, whatever. it’s from one of our Anne Lindsay cookbooks. love her books, she’s a canadian author and creates healthy recipes; the books are usually sponsored by either the Canadian Heart&Stroke Foundation, or diabetes (so the newer ones include like splenda and other sweeteners which we never have). but this is a ‘Cinnamon-Carrot-Raisin’ bread and i used to bake it all the time. i would actually crate all the carrots by hand and then found it too much (baha im so lazy) however we have a food processor so i can use this :)…</font></p> <p align="center"><strong><em><font face="Bell MT">Anne Lindsay’s “Cinnamon Carrot Raisin Bread”</font></em></strong></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">Source: Lighthearted Everyday Cooking by Anne Lindsay<br><br>1 cup raisins<br>3/4 cup all-purpose flour (or all ww, i used quick oats in place of this)<br>3/4 cup whole wheat flour<br>2 tsp. cinnamon<br>1 tsp ground ginger<br>1/2 tsp nutmeg<br>1 tsp each baking soda and baking powder<br>1/4 tsp salt<br>1 egg<br>3 tbsp vegetable oil<br>3/4 cup low fat yogurt (again often i put more yogurt/use a bit of nut butter for oil but this is best)<br>1/2 cup packed brown sugar (you can use like 1/4-1/3 if you want it less sweet)<br>1 tsp vanilla<br>1 cup finely shredded carrot<br><br>Topping:<br>1 tbsp rolled oats<br>1 tbsp oat bran</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">(i used pepitas/pumpkin seeds instead)<br><br>Combine flours, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg,<br>baking soda, baking powder, salt and raisins; set aside<br><br>In large bowl, beat egg until fluffy; beat in oil. Mix in yogurt, sugar<br>and vanilla; stir in carrot. Add flour mixture; stir until combined.<br>Pour into greased and foil or waxed paper-lined 8x4-inch (1.5L) loaf<br>pan. </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">Cook for about 50-55 min or so and enjoy :)</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">ending on a positive note, hope i write again sometime, and if anyone is out there i wish you the best and i’m thinking of you (i think and care about so many of you quite often, even if we don’t talk anymore…)</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">xoxox jennifer</font></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-40132751467221622882012-10-28T12:31:00.001-04:002012-10-28T12:31:55.014-04:00a time for change..<p align="center"><font face="Bell MT"></font> <font face="Bell MT">hello…is anybody out there? if so, hi. (otherwise i’ll just continue to talk to myself, which is okay because i do it a lot). </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT"><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-f-BVUljdBnM/UI1d8Gi7saI/AAAAAAAACL8/77y3sIq7dYo/s1600-h/DSC_00962.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-right-width: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; border-top-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; margin-left: auto; border-left-width: 0px; margin-right: auto; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0096" border="0" alt="DSC_0096" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-sGtVwKHI6nI/UI1d82gUp_I/AAAAAAAACME/tF8xvE8QaSI/DSC_0096_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i’m not entirely sure why i have stayed away, except for the fact that i couldn’t think of what to share, and had nothing great to share. it’s weird, and sad for me…just that this community that i once knew has come apart. i know there are still so many people writing out there, but i don’t know them, and they don’t know me. so i don’t feel as though i belong.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">it’s like, i don’t know who i am in real life. and on here (which is still real to me, by the way, even though its the internet) i don’t know, i stopped writing here because i had no point. i started out trying to be recovery/breakfast/’lovelyyahhh’ blog but mostly as an excuse to connect with other girls that i had followed and felt so connected with. and luckily i was able to do so, for a bit. and then i started getting worse myself, mentionally/emotionally and physically and just felt like a fraud, and even more confused about myself. then people stopped writing publically, and a whole bunch of new people came and i just didn’t know them and did not write or deal with similar things, i guess. and even now, i love tumblr. i used to love it because you didn’t have to write, you didn’t have to explain why you wanted to put down certain images, it felt wonderful, so free. but now i see these recovery ‘blogs’ (i only put it in quotations because i always refer to tumblrs as tumblrs, and blogs i just reserve for wordpress/blogspot, etc) but i guess im not really up with things at the moment. because i do love to read and connect with these individuals yet my tumblr isn’t for that. sometimes i write random things that are just bursting out of me, and it seems more anonymous (i fucking hope it is, anyway, besides those that i know through there)….but now im struggling with that, what to put down, why do i have one, what am in doing? and then…well, then i just look at all of this shit and realise that im so stupid, none of this matters and i need a life. i need to get a fucking move on.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">and even though i know that no one will see this, i feel at home here posting these thoughts because it’s what i used to do. and it’s mine i guess. i feel odd writing too much in the open, or on tumblr because no one really knows me and it doesn’t go with the rest of my stuff. its like, image, image, quote, image, woahhh suicidal rant here :O …image, image, quote, …and so on.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i don’t do well with change, and wish that, in a sense, the people i used to know were still here. but then that would bring back the past, and all the nasty things that came along with it. plus, part of the reason that people stop writing (publically) is because they’re doing well! and how can i resent that? i don’t! i just want a friend, a connection. even if its not deemed ‘healthy’ to be close with someone dealing with the same things for fear that one will bring the other down, or up maybe? who knows…i feel like im just at a standstill. not getting better. and certainly not doing well. i mean, im moving along i guess but not at the pace that i should be. i never, ever, …ever thought that i’d be this “bad”, so to say, a few years, or five years ago. if someone told me what my life would be like i’d be embarrassed, maybe a bit terrified of what awaits me. which is sort of how i feel right now. but i do feel ashamed though, i should be more independent and i should not be letting the things that i struggle with bring me down. i’m mostly responsible for messing things up. </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">but this wasn’t supposed to be so depressing! ahh…i can’t get away i guess ;) if anyone does remember me, or read this, or just happens to glance, thank you and i would love to know how you’re doing. sincerely…i honestly care about you so, so, so much.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT"></font> <a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-IHLALwAmOms/UI1d98XFTKI/AAAAAAAACMM/7-xHvFtORRk/s1600-h/DSC_0101%25255B7%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0101" border="0" alt="DSC_0101" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-w-sgvF8E-68/UI1d-VaZG_I/AAAAAAAACMQ/87--oH4fSA4/DSC_0101_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></a></p> <blockquote> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">and because i started off my blog with my love for breakfasts…a toasted coconut-banana-ginger oat breakfast from a little while ago.</font></p></blockquote> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">oh! im taking another university course (as a continuing education student, since i finished my undergrad) and it is called, ‘generating stories part 1’. it's a bit of a creative writing course, which i haven’t been a part of in a while. probably since high school and, even then, i was mostly writing essays and various independent and book/novel-related papers. we actually have to read out what we write :o as in…really and truly. it’s a bit scary, i mean my writing can be shiitiitlsjdljkt. so i have no where to hide unless i want to make a fool out of myself. we shall see…</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">anyway, hope this became something of a post. i hope i’m back sometime. who knows..and i hope that anyone reading this is doing well, and whether or not you are…please just say hi sometime ;P im pretty lonely. if that wasn’t clear. lots of love xoxox</font></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-16995794290709346382012-10-03T16:28:00.004-04:002012-10-03T16:28:49.820-04:00i don't want to wake up<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">dear odd little dreamer,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">i hope this little note finds you well. and that it puts a smile on your face, as letter always do. i don't know where you are, or when you'll be reading this. i just hope that you have come to accept certain things about yourself, but that you have not lost hope. remember that you can always change, and that there is beauty in the world. even if you cannot see it right now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">are you happy today? you don't have to think about it. i hope you're not scared, sad, anxious, sick, or feeling down in any way. but that's rather unrealistic, because life has its ups and downs. yet, i do sincerely wish that you are reading this with a realisation that things are much, much, much better than they were before. and you should feel proud. even if you don't believe that you had any force in this change. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">and please, ...no more regrets. you tend to regret every little thing that you do, which only leads to unhappiness, leaving you unsatisfied and empty. you choose to do things for a reason, and it is not always a bad one. you must stick to some of these decisions and follow through with them. please remember this. it is essential.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">you better be acting, odd one, in a movie perhaps? or maybe you're working behind the scenes. possibly living in another city...if you're not doing any of these things, do not fret. you will either get there soon, or you have accepted and changed your dreams and goals every so slightly to fit a newer you. but you do know what your heart truly desires, so don't doubt yourself. and at the same time, i really hope that you're somehow making movies, stories, and words come alive. because that is who you are, it is what you wish, yearn to become and neither you or i could really live with the notion that this dream never came true.</span></div>
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but dreamer, please stop being so afraid. afraid of everything. you think you're trying to make things less scary for yourself, you believe that by doing this you might suffer a little bit less, that you might feel a little bit less terrified, vulnerable, lonely & completely insane...but you're wrong. i'm not sure exactly why, and i don't quite know how to explain it. but just try to let go a little bit. </div>
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oh, and you're actually hurting others much more than you might believe. now don't get angry, i realise that you're aware of this..but, at a certain point in your life, (and it has quite possibly happened already) you'll realise the full damage that you've inflicted upon--not just yourself--but upon others. i know the truth hurts, but denial is so much more dangerous.</div>
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well, that's all i have to write to you. who knows where you are, who knows what you're doing. but i hope you're here. and more importantly, i hope you now <i>want </i>to be here. </div>
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until then, try to be happy :) xoxox </div>
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jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-10303836707022029702012-08-26T17:32:00.001-04:002012-08-26T17:32:58.792-04:00a little optimism<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">"it is not said enough, so i'll say it again: the world is a good place, full of good people, and when we act out of that, when we act out of hope, and optimist, and faith in our fellow human, we act out of our best selves, and we are capable of doing great things, and of contributing to the greater good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">hope and optimist are non synonymous with naivety. we should be looking to the future with flinty and steely eyes, for sure, but they should be wide open with ope, not squinting in fear.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Ask, and it shall be given you;</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Seek, and ye shall find;</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Knock, and it shall be opened unto you.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">if it is evildoers you seek, you will find them aplenty; if it is enemies you want, they are there too. but if you want the truth, the truth is this: blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God. "</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">- (9 September 2008; "safe places" from Stuart McLean's <i>The Vinyl Cafe Notebooks</i>)-</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">i wish i could write like that. im not one to put down something so...hopeful, but when i read that it just made me stop. and i looked at it again. i read it aloud. i saved the page in my book, and kept reading.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">this post was drafted a long time ago. i thought about creating another one today, but decided to check back here to see if there was anything 'pending'...and there were quite a few! i guess i had some odd thoughts, some posts that i had started which were weird, or triggering, or just not right. but, here i am :) i wasn't sure if i'd ever be able to write here again, but i don't think i'd want to delete this. it would be like erasing history and, not matter how awful some of the posts are, it would feel like deleting a part of me, and a part of my hard work (again, i mean it felt like hard work to me!) </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">i'm happy that i found this draft, because i haven't thought about this book in a while, or the quote. the cbc (a major canadian broadcast network...which i am absolutely in love with, by the way) has a show on the weekends usually called, 'the vinyl cafe'. it is hosted by stuart mclean, who is quite lovely ;) i usually listed to radio 1, which is a bunch of news, but also has programs throughout the day that i really enjoy. i love the voices on the radio, and love listening to certain people speak. but this particular show, or podcast (? im not good with technicalities obviously) is much more light-hearted, funny, uplifting. and stuart mclean has compiled a few books about the stories he tells on the show. often he takes real stories, and listeners and viewers can write in to him: "they have to be true stories, and they have to be short stories. and, after that, well, after that it's up to you..." this book was a compilation of his own stories and memories, though. anyway! enough about stuart...</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>this morning's family oats ;) organic irish, scottish, and old fashion cooked w cinnamon/nutmeg/ginger/molasses, chopped date, and with banana, raw almonds, slivered almonds, crystallized ginger...it was okay; i made it for everyone and they don't like it with banana, so sadly i added mine afterward, which is not the same as cooking it with banana. at <u>all</u>.</i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">hello and good afternoon :) it's the end of august. craziness. and it's nearly september. the leaves are (sort of..) changing, and autumn is approaching. i miss you all, im not quite sure what that means. i miss myself, i miss life. fun, good, <i>normal </i>life. my life hasn't been good or fun or normal lately. but i guess no ones' life is, really. im in a negative place and i can't seem to get out of it :/ i need some support, and reading blogs has always provided me with some inspiration. furthermore, meeting people through this 'community' has been quite amazing as well, though it has only happened once, though i do talk, chat and write to a lot of people. not so much lately, but everyone is busy and involved with other things i guess. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">i have wanted to take more photos, not just of food but of life. however, i think i need to be keeping track of what im eating a bit more. that seems impossible to me, because it's nearly all i think about. the fat, the calories not so much (sometimes, but not exclusively)...more-so how it will make me feel, if i'll get sick, why im feeling so shitty pun completely intended, nauseated, fucking sick sick sick. blahh :/ i hate it. i really hate my life right now but i think i just hate myself right now. more than i ever have. reading over this just makes me so angry...who is this person? why is she such a fucking downer. get it together. i say that all the time, but im serious this time. because it will never get better unless i make it better, i think so anyway...</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">i went to the ROM today with my family, but just wanted to go for a short while. doing this was a bit of a step i guess, though that sounds ridiculous. but i still felt so angry while i was out, irritated by everything. i could blame part of it on physical feelings, lack of sleep, my own stupidity (im lowering meds and im a complete idiot and i think i ended up taking the regular amount last night, so that meant i was back and forth and might end up messing my digestive system up even more, like yesterday was hell and idk what will happen...) anyway, i am so controlling and rigid yet i forget and fuck up with something like that. i clearly have no responsibility. anyway, i realised this while we were looking at one exhibit. the experience there was nice, still, and i haven't been in a museum or art gallery since MOMA last october ;( but i just get frustrated that i cannot even try to enjoy myself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">so, although i talk the talk. i will try to be more positive. at least im catching myself though, right? but often when i feel so shitty it almost feels better to be negative, and to mope, and be irritating, does that even make sense? its like this self-loathing thing or something but it's completely destructive and counter-productive. but it seems to be a better option than turning the situation around and trying to see the light. not that it's less effort to change, but i mean it just feels better somehow. you know when you feel awful, and things keep going wrong, and you're like, "okay come ON are you fareeaking kidding me???" and keep listing every single shitty thing that's just happened? i hope im not the only one that's done that. but it's a similar feeling i think. but i am going to try to turn around somewhat. and i hate how this post became negative, because i started it on a whim, and i was suprisingly motivated and upitty ;P is that a word? i'd never think that it would describe me aha...</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">anyway, that's a promise. i hope all is well with everyone else. lots of love xoxox</span></span></div>
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jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-70373896523137142642012-08-01T12:26:00.001-04:002012-08-01T12:26:01.892-04:00the summer blues<p><font face="Bell MT">hello there :)</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">happy august everyone. i’m sort of happy that summer is coming to a close soon. but it’s a bit scary how much time has gone by, i feel as though im wasting it. or spending it doing, thinking, etc things that i shouldn’t be doing, missing out on a lot of things. i hope you’ve all had a good summer. this is my first spring/summer after graduating, so it’s not really a ‘summer’, since i guess i don’t get those holidays anymore ;P but i should be working, much more, and getting paid, actually moving forward with a career. that part has not been achieved, though, and i know that by next summer i need to be working, hopefully actually in my field of interest! it’s sort of exciting to think about that, but also a bit depressing, knowing that it might not happen and, seeing as i sort of ‘walk the walk’, it won’t be achieved unless i make some drastic changes and get my shit together aha..:/ blah.</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-HrSqDQiL6-I/UBlYh2dqIWI/AAAAAAAACIo/0pkjEzyYXGM/s1600-h/DSC_0103%252520%2525282%252529%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0103 (2)" border="0" alt="DSC_0103 (2)" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-h4_NrpOy7u8/UBlYiJdDDqI/AAAAAAAACIw/bZ11Z2rZmII/DSC_0103%252520%2525282%252529_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="206" height="129"></a></p> <p align="center"><em><font face="Bell MT">one of the many books i’ve ordered on amazon or ebay, like used/cheaper than normal! this one was a bit extreme, the diet anyway. i hope i don’t have to follow that, but a lot of if is just writing and information or ideas on the issues.</font></em></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i’ve been having some difficulty with stomach/bowel and other symptoms, and heightened anxiety (noo! i didn’t think it could get worse than it already was) which gets more severe when im alone. my parents have been taking time on and off to go to our cottage and i’ve been home in the city most of the time. and somehow my symptoms are always, without a doubt, much worse consistently when this happens. my stress and anxiety levels are just so high so when they’re triggered by something (even a minor thing) it just goes wacko and i feel like death. and, well this is sort of embarrassing because i’m really old, but i tend to feel this homesick-related sadness, but multiplied by a thousand. that’s the only way i can explain it. when i was younger i would always get homesick while away at camp or other programs, when i’d be away from home for like a month or more. but my parents encouraged it, and they didn’t shelter me or anything. maybe i just have some odd extreme separation anxiety? it’s so odd, but it’s that overwhelming sense of sadness, and like someone’s sitting on my chest, and it gets so extreme and i can’t even eat or do anything, it’s so pathetic. until i snap out of it, but its like someone’s ripping my heart out <--- i realise that sounds ridiculous but it really feels like that. but that is just the extreme sadness, because my stomach-related symptoms also get worse, so putting those together, along with more anxiety is just a really bad recipe and it makes everything so extremely difficult. it’s quite pathetic, i know, but it’s something that i can’t really fix. i’ve been working much more on attempting to manage it, and do more yoga and breathing and cognitive stuff, get out more, etc. but it seems that, in the moment, none of the so-called ‘techniques’ seem to work.</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-1uAU6FiBk7Q/UBlYjKj7kvI/AAAAAAAACI4/vM7lE0noUTU/s1600-h/DSC_0105%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0105" border="0" alt="DSC_0105" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-0s7MUwJsEwg/UBlYjrntYpI/AAAAAAAACJA/5BSTZFF6fDA/DSC_0105_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="289" height="200"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">oh my gosh, watching the olympics. its too intense for me, especially the swimming. i used to be a competitive swimmer, and it actually doesn’t make me want to go back to that, but i get so freaking nervous and, i don’t know, my heart is like beating, and i get all shaky and im like screaming at them to go go go and by the end i just have to leave the room aha…not in a bad sense, but i sort of work myself up ;P especially the winter olympics though, with the hockey. that’s a big thing for us i guess. and it feels incredible to see that your country’s done well, even though im obviously sitting at home, not doing anything ;) and i don’t know these individuals personally. although a girl who swam on my first team ended up in the 2000 summer olympics i believe, jenna gresdal. that was pretty cool. i have an old swim cap with her signature on it but its so gross, like disintegrating in the little box i kept it in, along with other swimming memories. probably not the best thing to have her sign :/ oh well..</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i haven’t been taking many photographs lately, which i must change! i seem to only do this when im at my cottage, i just take my camera with me and try to capture different things. but then when im back in the city it sort of just sits there.</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-VSO897k9Gg4/UBlYkmTFAeI/AAAAAAAACJI/NAcqDQVBB7U/s1600-h/DSC_0092%25255B2%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0092" border="0" alt="DSC_0092" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-Sd7PlrBOHeQ/UBlYlLIEVfI/AAAAAAAACJQ/h3B_LjzaW0c/DSC_0092_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="166"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT"><strong>my first non-cereal breakfast in over two years! im completely serious, too. i made pancakes at the cottage a little while ago, and actually ate breakfast with other people ;) these were a generic whole grain mix but i added in an egg, and part water part skim, cinnamon/ginger, unfortunately we had no vanilla :/ and put banana in mine, and a bit of pure maple syrup on top. very yum, indeed.</strong></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">anyway, oh i’ve been enjoying bars lately; i tend to either not have any, or have a bunch. and i had a combination of ones i bought myself, some as gifties (lovely lovely lovely girl who sent me them!) and some older ones that i bought on iherb as a birthday gift. so lots of ones that we don’t have here, and that’s exciting. but then sad because i can’t buy them:</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-uIBv-KAeCMY/UBlYlvUbhtI/AAAAAAAACJY/nmTTzFGVuyQ/s1600-h/TPhoto_00001%252520%2525282%252529%25255B7%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="TPhoto_00001 (2)" border="0" alt="TPhoto_00001 (2)" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/--bndK-JjJKY/UBlYmGKqPGI/AAAAAAAACJg/27iGythImhE/TPhoto_00001%252520%2525282%252529_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">carrot cake larabar! i’ve only had it once before, also as a gift/exchange thing last summer. this is odd, but i have not seen a banana (bar…obviously i see a lot of bananas because i eat so many) for so long…have they discontinued them? i have one old one, this is gross, sitting on my shelf that i will throw out obviously. but i bought it and didn’t realise the date was pretty much past, and, yea....that was sad. i normally check the dates religiously and i was so pissed off because, i swear this health shoppe near me…things are only on sale when they’re expired and i know that its hard for them to check all the things, but i hate when i buy expired food. and then can’t return it. and i miss that bar so much, i haven’t had the flavour in like over a year and it used to be my favourite. anyway! i know, im going on about food. but i just felt sort of proud that im eating them up faster than usual. it’s also hot so im always concerned that they are going to go bad, freaking out about the temperature in our house lol, im a bit obsessive actually it’s not good. that’s another thing…i am planning so much, i feel like im constantly making lists and planning food and every blooding thing on my list, thoughts are filling my head so i can’t even think properly. i know that i just need to refrain from being so controlling, because i think that just feels the obsessive/rigid part of me.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT"><strong>remind yourself that, when you die, your ‘in basket’ won’t be empty.</strong></font></p> <blockquote> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">“often, we convince ourselves that our obsession with our ‘to do list’ is only temporary—that once we get through the list, we’ll be calm, relaxed and happy. but in reality, this rarely happens. as items are checked off, new ones simply replace them. the nature of your ‘in basket’ is that it’s meant to have items to be completed in it—<u>it’s not meant to be empty</u>”.</font></p></blockquote> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">(Richard Carlson,<em> Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff</em>)</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">what a wise man ;P but much easier said than done, that’s for sure.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">well, that’s about all i will write about today. nothing else exciting or good has happened, but hopefully i can share some good news sometime soon. i’m just in a bit of a negative slump, and it’s my fault. i get myself into these moods and i don’t try hard enough to get better i guess. but that’s just too sad for today, so i hope you’re all doing okay, im thinking of you! xox</font></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-71636907666726700652012-07-18T11:34:00.001-04:002012-07-18T11:37:16.725-04:00wednesday july eighteenth<p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">hello loves :) it’s finally a bit cooler today, yesterday was insane! </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i went for a short run this morning, and i couldn’t go one way in the ravine because the bridge area, along with the path was blocked by maybe, gosh two or three large fallen trees? i sort of climbed under and over them, and contemplated going across the river area to get to the other side, but i decided against it ;P it was sort of annoying though, the path that i went on was not level and often blocked with trees, water, lots of mud. and it was still pretty humid out :/ ohhh well. what can you do…</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-JZyx5lMW4a8/UAbXgP6zNeI/AAAAAAAACHM/v_OusWBydvE/s1600-h/DSC_0090%252520%2525282%252529%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0090 (2)" border="0" alt="DSC_0090 (2)" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-Uw5Xncf36GA/UAbXgvxzeUI/AAAAAAAACHU/LYFeV8_GINM/DSC_0090%252520%2525282%252529_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="258" height="179"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">finally, a breakfast photo :) this morning’s oatmeal was a mixture of quick and old fashion (love old fashion! so chewy & nutty) and raw almonds, walnuts, banana! and cinnamon/ginger, topped with a few things along with a bit of almond milk. and coffee of course. in a very season-appropriate mug i should add.</font></p> <p><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-IZeUc1F7vyY/UAbXhQ_cf5I/AAAAAAAACHc/9kZR0T_N1RQ/s1600-h/DSC_0092%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0092" border="0" alt="DSC_0092" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-dWzjngmfoyU/UAbXh6nkHeI/AAAAAAAACHk/j7T2sSzzvC8/DSC_0092_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="258" height="179"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">so i was asked to (or tagged..) in the versatile blogger award, which made me smile! i know i’ve only done one linked award before…i think it was this one? a little while ago…but the lovely <em>alexandra</em> from <a href="http://wildheartcity.wordpress.com/">wildheartcity</a> nominated me for this award just a little while ago…and we come from the city, which pretty much means that, well it’s a cool thing ;P</font></p> <p><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-KpzDUqG4_OA/UAbXiEFA6qI/AAAAAAAACHs/QwZPIpYFRR0/s1600-h/versatile2.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-right-width: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; border-top-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; margin-left: auto; border-left-width: 0px; margin-right: auto; padding-top: 0px" title="versatile" border="0" alt="versatile" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-g29CuyFnm40/UAbXinUZtBI/AAAAAAAACH0/xWd-0CEybg4/versatile_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="154" height="154"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">ughlskdjflksj efff. i tried to start this post a while ago and thought i had saved it…i didnt’ even know i had to save things on windows live writer as i never had before. efffing thing was gone. hmphf! i tend to start posts and come back to them, which makes them really incoherent aha. anyway, i was actually tagged in another one a while ago, where i wrote like paragraphs about each lovely blogger i was ‘tagging’ which made the post go on for days. it’s <a href="http://littlelovelife.blogspot.ca/2011_01_01_archive.html">here</a> actually. i stopped writing this post before because i honestly could not come up with even one thing. maybe i had already mentioned the fact about me…or maybe i was brain dead. or had nothing interested to say about myself. yet, well i still manage to write lengthly posts every time even though im not interesting, in a good way at least ;P but then i started to come up with some.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i present….meeeeeeeeee!</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">1. i love to act. i really would love to act in films, i know it’s one of those long-shot sort of goals or dreams, but i’ve wanted to do this, well probably since i was like five. but…i haven’t gotten anywhere for a while. i mean, i did school things and a lot of both theatre and on-camera courses, and started off in the acting program at university…but the past few years have been another story. i would also like to be a part of films, anything…production, music (especially. the score…its one of the best parts of a film, for me…<em>how to train your dragon</em>?!? it gets to me every single time). i love the intimacy of film, and on-camera stories. i do like watching theatre, but it’s never been my favourite thing. for film, its not just because it’s watched by so many, the actors become famous, etc. it’s just that intimacy, it’s the closeness. it’s also the whole mood and how film has an ability to just capture every part of me. i love losing myself in a film…sort of like reading, which comes next…</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">2. i need to read. i love reading. i mean, i require it to survive. i must have a book on hand, along with another stack waiting for me, at all times. i read before bed, i just love to do that. i use it as a form of escapism probably, just like with films, and stories in general. i guess that might be why i am interested in blogging, and reading other stories, other people’s lives. it’s quite rude of me, isn’t it? nosy parker, jen. get OUT!! ;P (i think that’s the saying…parker? idk i hope so)</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">3. i act like a kid. first of all, i eat like a toddler. or maybe a ninety-nine year old with stomach issues. there’s a ‘two and a half men’ quote that alludes to alan’s diet…something like an eighty-year-old with stomach cancer. its also products too, like arrowroots, graham crackers, animal crackers (not brand name but there are these generic organic ones, actually a line called’ ‘presidents choice’, so it’s a bit cheaper but with good ingredients! i guess they try to limit what they put it little ones’ mouths, and they’re small items. and the ingredient list is hopefully easier to tolerate. i guess because they have smaller, younger, weaker stomachs? like mine. (the weaker part, i guess mine is old)</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT"><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-KMJpWPfPYrE/UAbXjDjApgI/AAAAAAAACH8/FknFRyo7yH0/s1600-h/TPhoto_00001%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="TPhoto_00001" border="0" alt="TPhoto_00001" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-81Ep_miHmuA/UAbXjh5rQvI/AAAAAAAACIE/uQd6OZH4Gis/TPhoto_00001_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="202" height="162"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">like theeeese, ah so cute. the flavour reminded me of like strawberry frozen yogurt or something? i’ve probably mentioned a few of the other things on here. also, i was looking through a ‘baby’s first seven years’…you know the books that you document your child’s early life (side-note here, sort of sad. but my mom only filled out a few pages, though my brothers’ is totally completed…figures ;P…so i started to do it myself but i was still only like eight and the writing is awful baha…) anyway, my first fruits were bananas and applesauce (which i “loved”)…same today!! and apparently my response to cereal the first time: mmm ;) see? i haven’t changed! i freak out if i don’t sleep well. but that happens all the time. </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">(initially this was just one long response, but i realised i could make it into, like, three things tehe…)</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">and...part two of 3?... i love children's’ programs: </font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://www.erkyperky.com.au/"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="erkyperkylove" border="0" alt="erkyperkylove" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-aQw95OziwW0/UAbXjzi344I/AAAAAAAACIM/w48vOc1gERI/erkyperkylove%25255B5%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="245" height="170"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">…like ‘<a href="http://www.erkyperky.com.au/">erky perky’</a> (honestly the best show, but not known, its an australian-canadian coproduction i believe)</font><font face="Bell MT">…arthur of course, little bear in the mornings. i haven’t really watched any since coming back home. at my other place with my brother, it was just a large apartment and we had a tv in the living area/kitchen, so it was often on if i ate breakfast. so i sort of got attached to that, idk i get really attached to things like this, it’s pretty embarrassing. i remember the first time i went to france, i was ten (just a family vacation) and in the last ‘stretch’ we stayed in paris for about five days. and our hotel room had obviously just french channels, but one cartoon channel which i hadn’t really watched before was in english. and played classics like ‘tom and jerry’. now, don’t go worrying, we did not sit and watch tv all day (thats a no no with my family/parents) but i guess i watched some of it in the evenings. and i cried when i went home, realising that i’d never see it again. it sounds ridiculous, five days of seeing a few of the shows and it became a comfort, or something. </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i know it sounds like im just a pathetic adult trying to be a kid, holding onto childhood…odd-ball. that’s probably exactly <strike>what</strike> who i am, though.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">4. i love the radio. i used to just listen to classical music straight…one a independent toronto classical station. it was pretty repetitive though and, because it wasn’t a government-owned station, it had a lot of commercials. but i love the <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/radio/">CBC</a>. there is radio1 and radio2, and i used to listen to the second station because it…well, played a lot of classical music ;P but recently i’ve started listening to the other one, they’re main program. and it deals largely with news, but also hosts a lot of programs which i find fascinating. i didn’t force myself to listen to it, i just love it. i’ll probably have another freak out when i start working outside more regularly, missing the news and what not ;P</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-lhapnpIW49I/UAbXkndeo4I/AAAAAAAACIU/oa6ln6GvYyQ/s1600-h/DSC_0103%25255B8%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0103" border="0" alt="DSC_0103" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-mUK20KWoXS4/UAbXlL7ZPVI/AAAAAAAACIc/OCU4lv0UqBI/DSC_0103_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">see, age is nothing to me. except for the fact that i cannot deal with my age, and the aspect of getting older. but i don’t discriminate. ooh, see this book was given to my mom a while ago by myself and my brother. we found it, along with an (equally-as) old book on katharine hepburn in our old small-town library. i think she was offended. and looked at it initially, but i re-discovered it recently and she started laughing. i think she’ll begin to read it again, now that she’s definitely surpassed that age by…like eight years almost?</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">5. i don’t know if it makes sense to mention this, as i talk about it so much. but i have phobias, a lot of anxiety. but specifically i’ve had a fear of being sick (as in vomiting…i hate writing the word out aha :/) since, like, birth. and i know people say, oh i know me too. that might be true, but this goes wayyyy beyond that. and the extent of the fear probably would be considered an odd ‘fact about me’ ;P but its actually, along with the other high anxiety levels and obsessions and fears, sort of hell. and it has a name too! emetophobia. in grade 12 i came across it online because in the uk its more known, and they have like support or forum sites, im sure they have a lot of forums like that online for various issues/diseases/conditions. i guess sort of like blogging about eating issues, but its not like a public blog area or anything. so, well ive become fixated with like viruses, and just go on high-alert if i hear about it (even though i could just not hear about so many and obviously come into contact with it) but i’ve read about symptoms, and obviously had them first-hand, and had people i know experience it. but because i have awful ibs and often suffer from like daily issues, bowels and what not…its worse because i have such a fear of getting sick and having the symptoms and if i get them im literally…tmi i guess, having panic attacks. on the toilet. and what not. sorry this is an unpleasant fact about me i guess lol…</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">6. i just remember that i was tagged by the adorable emily back in december. so im using that as my sixth thing, and here it is: <a href="http://littlelovelife.blogspot.ca/2011/12/just-some-thoughts-something-special.html">linked</a>…and you should probably check to see how many things i repeated. actually almost none! pretty good i think :p</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">7. this isn’t really a fact…but i was wondering, have you tried puffins cereal? i had read so much hype and love about it and always tore my eyes away since it was a tiny box for a pretty high price (at least where i live) and, well i love other cereals, and since i didn’t know if 'i’d like it, among other reasons, didnt’ get any. but, a little while ago (on my birthday) i was shopping with my mom and it was on sale at one store we were at, and it was my birthday. i just opened it yesterday but i totally had the whole thing wrong, i guess i didn’t read properly, the ingredients or labels. i guess i thought it was like a light/fluffy cereal, but its pretty much the exact taste as those quaker corn bran squares (which i do like! though i prefer the oatmeal squares because i like the flavour). idk…do a lot of countries not have quaker corn bran squares and thus didn’t notice that they seemed the same? odd…and its much higher in fibre than i thought, though i guess that’s the corn bran, mostly insoluble i guess, which i sometimes have to be wary of (well, anything really, soluble too i guess…blah im going on :/) but maybe i just need to try it again and expect a different taste ;P i just got the plain ones though, so maybe the cinnamon or pb (which i’ve never seen where i live) are more distinctively ‘puffin-like’? lol…its just that i was so excited because so many people raved about them. but its not like they are not good (in my opinion) just not at all what i had expected.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i really thought that i was going to be able to write a post in addition to this…i figured the seven things would take up no space, but i should have known…oh and i tried the puffins again and i guess the next time they were different, but i haven’t had a proper bowl or anything, just dry or mixed with things, etc so perhaps that is how i’d get the whole ‘experience’? hm im not sure. are they supposed to be like imitation (and healthier..) captain crunch cereal? i haven’t had those in aaaages, i remember coming back from university first year, maybe at christmas. and i asked my mom, before boarding the plane in halifax, what cereal she had bought and she said ‘captain crunch’ and i was sooo freaking excited. then i came home and it was the quaker corn bran squares ;P but that’s okay, i ate them and was pretty happy.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">that’s all, i hope you’re all enjoying your weeks! xoxox</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT"></font></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-50194188617977238412012-07-12T16:05:00.001-04:002012-07-12T16:05:40.685-04:00thoughts on a thursday morning<p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">hi there :) im sorry that’s such a lame title, but i’ve never been that good with titles have it? i just want to sort of, divert from my last post. i want to delete it kind of…but that wouldn’t be right, so i’ll settle for just ignoring it, is that okay? i feel really embarrassed, actually. and regretted it the instant i saw comments, read them and realised that, well, i just looked so stupid.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">anyway, i have been having so much trouble dealing with conflicting thoughts, stronger than before though. im sure this is so common but i thought i’d just write about it anyway. when i see that i’ve gained weight, i suddenly freak out and, especially if i haven’t significantly increased my intake…i start to really worry that my metabolism is super slow, i’ve messed up, i should watch what im doing very carefully because i have seriously botched something and become careless, etc. and then other thoughts say, ‘no, jen…this is okay, keep going, don’t fuck up’…and then it’s back and forth. in the past like, ohhh idk eight years? i’ve just ignored any ‘other’ thoughts, or more ‘healthy’ thoughts and gone with my urges, which usually would result in weight gain or stabilization anyway. so it’s pointless. but now, because i know what’s at stake i am trying to listen to both sides. the thing is, im not doing it for me…i feel like im only doing this for my parents, so that i don’t have to be looked down upon, so that i might get work, knowing that each step forward makes me feel more disgusted, worthless, just….like i cannot stand being in my own skin. </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i’m notorious for obsessing about nearly everything, and can’t let anything “go” or “slide”…im not sure if it makes sense, but a lot of people can challenge the thoughts and have them overpower any negativity…and even if i can do this, there is always part of me that doesn’t like it. and i don’t wnat to ignore that becuase i feel like its faking it, and i know that if i ignore the awful thoughts they’ll be there anyway, and in the future if i become more depressed, lost, etc…they will always be there to turn to. like…ugh im not sure how to say this. but i hate ignoring these things because they’re like warning signs to me, and i could drown them out. but i don’t want to because i don’t want to go through life pretending that im happy, pretending that im okay, pretending that gaining weight is fine, losing is not, that i don’t need to be thin. because they are just that…i mean it’s <em>pretend</em>. it’s not real. i really do believe that i won’t be happy, i really do feel awful, i really do want to be thinner, and i really don’t like the way i am, the way i used to be, whatever is “natural” for me…i just cannot accept it. i do not want to accept it. <---that’s probably the issue there, and i know a lot of people would read this and be like, “so what?? deal with it. we all have to. shut up and move on”.</font></p> <p><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-FXK_BRZ5QFM/T_8tzNKqdwI/AAAAAAAACGg/bSluiLuLeMs/s1600-h/DSC_0304%25255B2%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0304" border="0" alt="DSC_0304" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-Dzrc6O1HVCc/T_8tzjZTbwI/AAAAAAAACGo/hQKSy2WQ4w8/DSC_0304_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT"><u>belated birthday photo, i forgot hat they were all on my dad’s camera, which i borrowed today ;P the cake was vanilla…with vanilla icing (the creamy kind! not the fluffy/whipped/odd one)…and my lovely mom decorated it, even though it was just a single layer.</u></font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-c7_yVPX-9ls/T_8t0hlqr-I/AAAAAAAACGw/-s0YtAyuCBI/s1600-h/DSC_0289%25255B7%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0289" border="0" alt="DSC_0289" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-nsDKlw4DD_o/T_8uEP7EkdI/AAAAAAAACG4/m-JuCqsmjbA/DSC_0289_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="195"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">(cooking…quinoa i think?)</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i hope this is making sense, because i’m just going to pause here and move onto something else, as i normally get myself into this whole and write for<strong> paragraphs</strong> until you all fall asleep ;P</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">so, it’s my mom’s birthday today! we’re having a little family thing and my grandmother is coming as well. that always stresses me out (due to my own issues more than hers). but my mom had a bit of a day to herself, and went shopping, had a facial (!!!) and we just chatted a bit about jobs and such. im realising that, although gaining is a huge goal in their eyes, it’s independence, and moving forward. so finding paid work, even part-time (and even if its nothing related to my field) would make them happy. and i know it would help me move forward and get out of this hell hole that i’ve dug myself into. apart from film internships and camp jobs, it’s really been a little while since i’ve properly worked, like just after second year of uni maybe? im so out of it…and that fear, and the length of time that i’ve been away from such a thing creates a lot of anxiety. but i know i can’t just stay without a job, im twenty-three (ohhh god how i hate that…) and i graduated from a four year degree. i should be working! it’s quite pathetic, im not putting anyone down out there who is also not working much, im just talking about myself here. i just need to feel semi okay about myself, maybe not ‘proud’ yet, but, idk less embarrassed i guess ;) </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i wanted a photo of my mom to go here, and to dedicate this to her…but i can’t find a recent one! oh well, im sure she’d have a fit if i posted her photo on the internet ;P so it’s likely for the best. but i love her!!! so much, and she’s so cute, she was showing me a dress that she bought for herself, she always shows me her clothing, 'i know it’s different jen, but do you like it? i know you might not, but i do. and oh im not sure…’ but it was nice! i want to make her happy, or at least…less unhappy (both she and my dad). i know that it’s not enough to do something for someone else, to change for someone else. and, im quite stubborn and would have to admit that, even though i know it hurts them a lot when their children are not doing well, i don’t think that it could force me to change. which sounds awful. because i know i’d still be unhappy. but i hate myself for ruining someone else’s life. that’s not fair.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">but i don’t want to end on such a note. my blog is so fucking depressing, i’d be surprised if anyone was reading it, or enjoying it if you are. thank you so much for reading this though, and commenting, it is honestly such a huge thing for me to receive a comment, my heart like jumps, and often i get really anxious, wondering what people are saying. yet you are all so kind (i hope this doesn’t jinx anything…) and i really appreciate you for everything you’ve told me. now this is really sappy, but i just wanted to make that very clear. so…something happy:</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://www.at-dakota.org/pictures/displayimage.php?album=1037&pid=113151#top_display_media"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="very good girls" border="0" alt="very good girls" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-q6Db2HPbhdc/T_8uErMLHiI/AAAAAAAACHA/rvneylHl-7A/very%252520good%252520girls%25255B3%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="226" height="244"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">ahh love her! both she and elizabeth olsen are filming ‘very good girls’ at the moment in new york city i believe. dakota has quite a few films yet to be released, and im very excited to see her on the big screen once again. i feel like it’s been a long time…since ‘the secret life of bees’ almost (apart from the twilight films i guess, but i haven’t seen those) …i love watching her older films, like ‘i am sam’, ‘man on fire’, and her one long scene with glen close in ‘nine lives’, have you seen that one? it’s really beautiful.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">well, i’ve got to go (i really do, though i know it seems like i have nothing to do…but im not lying!) i hope this post is a bit better than the last…and i really don’t want to write another one like that again :/ not good, jen. xoxox</font></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-90050372401608402542012-07-10T12:24:00.001-04:002012-07-10T12:26:21.451-04:00decisions & regrets<p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">..times two? i have a feeling i’ve already titled a post with this. i guess i have a lot of decisions and regrets. anyway, hello there! i hope you’re all enjoying summer, the weather cooled down for a little bit at least…</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">happy july tenth! </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">okay, hmphkjkj well i debated what to write here. i have a lot of stuff that i am thinking about, and normally would want to let it all out here but i don’t think it’s the best. i mean, i started a video and then it got so long, so rambled, too honest and i was just scared when i watched it. i want to keep posting but i just have a dilemma, and don’t know what to do. so i thought i’d included a bit of an entry, from when i just needed to write it down. i was actually trying to create a formal document, well not formal but somewhat “clear” for my parents, stating my arguments for and against (mainly against..) a decision that they were leaning toward. but…other than that i am very confused, conflicted. i know my feelings toward this and other things, and i am set in my ways. it’s not merely the stubborn and negative side of me, i truly don’t believe that this is the right choice. not to mention it would be literally hell on earth for me. i just feel so frustrated because i have odds against me, and i have no credit with my parents, doctors, anyone really. because i’m not working full time out of university, even part time. i’m physically not doing well, by anyone’s standards though i don’t think it’s as bad as they believe. i’ve lost independence, the list goes on. so any argument, any time i try to voice my own opinion i have all these things (plus many more) stacked against me. its a lose-lose situation for jen, and win-win for everyone else? especially if i do take on this new decision, i mean i feel like if i don’t…i’ll end up where i don’t want to be, it happened before. i refused to do something but ended up doing it without meaning to, and felt so disgusted with myself, body, weight gain, etc. but if i do take on the challenge (the nightmare, really)…it’s not right. i know it’s not a good choice, i really believe it. plus, well it’s another lose situation for me. i realise that they have the best intentions, and i should stop being so pig-headed but i just can’t even fathom this, i know it will be hell and i just…well that’s where i am now. it’s like, now what?</font></p> <p align="center"><font size="1" face="Bell MT">The weight thing…oh, god the weight. Enough said. But I must elaborated in order to prove my side, to try to get you to understand…I was never even originally at xxx (actually they have my height up ½ inch which does matter)…and when I reached xxx it was not natural, I was eating so much, feeling horrible…I had stopped swimming, and got to (boarding school name) seeing all the foods we never had growing up, desserts, even Mom said it was a bit higher than normal. PLEASE don’t let me get there or higher, I don’t care about all the body image crap, love yourself, blah…I will NOT love myself believe me, I will hate myself even more. that’s what this is about… I don’t care if that’s fucked up in your eyes, I am me and the way in which I feel about myself is so important, it doesn’t matter what other people think if you’re so unbelievably unhappy with yourself and with your life.</font> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">********************</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i know i’m beating around the bush, not stating exactly what im talking about but i feel so stupid to do so. and, honestly i understand if you’re not interested in reading. i wouldn’t be! i guess im not asking for advice (or am i?) because, if it’s not something i want to hear then i might not be accepting of the advice, which isn’t really fair, but on the other hand i have to be truthful. so you might be wondering why i’m even writing this out. i guess i feel like i owe it to you to at least be a little honest, even if i’m hesitant to elaborate. but i will change the topic now, because not everything has been shit ;P and i started this blog with happier thoughts, and wished to focus on the things that make me happy as well.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT"><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-uvMFc5dbZBI/T_xXKNB_uCI/AAAAAAAACFc/SuRsvnH4M5o/s1600-h/DSC_0107%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0107" border="0" alt="DSC_0107" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-dabhHvkphyI/T_xXKuLeKkI/AAAAAAAACFk/S4NbmnBxo_Q/DSC_0107_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="305" height="211"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">like this past weekend's cottage visit! i don’t know when i’ll be up next, depending on the schedule (if im working), but this was a good visit :) oh!! and we discovered bones…a collection of unidentifiable animal (i think??) bones right about here, but some were further up at the end of the dock. yet they were not there a week or so before, as my brother’s says (he was up then..) he gathered them up with rubber gloves and, i know its morbid, but we sort of want to figure out what it is. maybe a fox? though that seems odd, i thought maybe it died and stayed under throughout the winter, yet i don’t see how the waves could push it over here.</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-zJ7qJplhgNs/T_xXLQR7owI/AAAAAAAACFs/K-CTfDSfKT0/s1600-h/DSC_0103%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0103" border="0" alt="DSC_0103" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-0D9H8HF04lE/T_xXMQdSy2I/AAAAAAAACF0/2bxak0RWfrc/DSC_0103_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="266" height="184"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">tadaaa! i don’t know why, but im sort of partially disgusted yet also drawn to this, i want to figure out what it is but i don’t want to touch them or anything. i’ve always been a bit fascinated with this, discovering things, pretending to be a detective, scientist, anything…i also don’t want to swim around there though, my mom told me that mike (brother) was about to pick up something that might have been a scull but there was still flesh on it?!? oglskdflsj i just gagged. im sorry :/ another topic now…</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">im reading a book called, ‘accidental family’ which is good! it takes place in england, well cornwall…and sort of other parts. i think it is the second of a few though, so i should have known that! i hate started partway through a series (well it’s more like just a connection, same characters)…the first chapter was sort of an update of the sort, which helped me become a bit familiarized with the characters, past events, etc.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT"><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-Nr8U0-8yeig/T_xXNVAuOLI/AAAAAAAACF8/e7bdis3lpBU/s1600-h/DSC_0102%252520%2525282%252529%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0102 (2)" border="0" alt="DSC_0102 (2)" src="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-EkUhkWIqDpk/T_xXN3IPYxI/AAAAAAAACGE/oQCzcuO2Azc/DSC_0102%252520%2525282%252529_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="286" height="198"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">and because this sort of started out as a breakfast blog, this was a new sort of oatmeal bowl, with <em>frozen dark cherries</em> (the colour change, but im not too keen on this :/) and <em>frozen banana</em>, <em>raw almonds, wheat germ, cinnamon/ginger/nutmeg & organic multigrain squares</em> finally! they were sitting unopened until i realised they expire soon! not that fresh but i do love these :) </font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i honestly cannot believe that it’s mid july practically…my mom’s birthday is on the twelfth! crazy…the more time passes the more i realise i’m just wasting life, not moving forward, not improving. on one hand i want autumn to come, or some cooler weather, yet i need to have accomplished so much more by then. so, in a sense, i don’t want it to come? if that makes any sense. i’m having trouble explaining and expressing myself coherently ;)</font></p> <p><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-FNHQFJ7idSk/T_xXOfzDHyI/AAAAAAAACGM/H9hoZQbreGc/s1600-h/TPhoto_00002%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="TPhoto_00002" border="0" alt="TPhoto_00002" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-CfGvefsDG94/T_xXO4DgYBI/AAAAAAAACGU/6vI1YuMVMZQ/TPhoto_00002_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="215" height="156"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">that’s a little belgium milk chocolate square (the wrapper, anyway) which was gooood. they came is the cutest box, a bunch of little ones layered and individually wrapped. mostly dark chocolates, but a few milk ones. one is like 97% and im not sure that i should try it. one of my classmates in high school got me to try one at like, 80 percent or something? maybe a bit higher. it was awful :/ like baking chocolate. but worse ;P i need a bit of sweetness.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">hope all is well, lots of love xoxox</font></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3373928690208680151.post-43964166913543944522012-07-02T17:00:00.001-04:002012-07-02T17:00:43.801-04:00some [don’t] like it hot<p><font face="Bell MT">hello!</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">it’s been a little while since i’ve said anything, …i do not feel motivated to post anything because i’m waiting until i have good news. and i feel as though the blogging ‘community’ that i knew of is nearly dead. which is upsetting. i know i’m not a huge part of it, but i guess i’ve also been a bit busy with my life, trying to fix things, challenge myself, etc. not working out brilliantly, though. and i just feel as though my life is unworthy of a blog.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i really want to bake cupcakes for some reason. maybe i was deprived of them as a child…cakes, ice-cream, cookies…but no cupcakes? i tried to get my mom to agree to cupcakes for her birthday, but i know she’d rather have something else. so we agreed on this plum-streusel-cake (looks like a quickbread) which seems yummy. hopefully i won’t mess it up like i did with her cake last year…:o oops. that was sad. there is this recipe for ‘raisin lemon yogurt’ cupcakes (does that sound unappetizing?) in an anne lindsay (canadian lighthearted/heart-healthy cookbook line, we have many of hers which sort of dictated much of my dinners growing up) cookbook that i might try out for our future family gathering sort of thing. whenever that happens.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">anyway, how is everyone doing? it’s so. fucking. hot. i want to kill someone. if this is a sneak preview of this summer’s weather i will kill myself right now. seriously. its awful. i complain a lot, but i seriously cannot handle heat, whatsoever. so this sucks.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT"><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-chjBhGEl82M/T_IL0ex56RI/AAAAAAAACEI/ULjAGatwkHQ/s1600-h/muskoka%252520chairs%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="muskoka chairs" border="0" alt="muskoka chairs" src="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-JW-z__vvaPg/T_IL112cdBI/AAAAAAAACEQ/IcWa7Co0lP8/muskoka%252520chairs_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></a></font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">i’m hoping it’s much cooler up here though, i think i’m able to go to my cottage this upcoming weekend, which is good. if i start working in a more retail-oriented job i’ll likely have no weekends off…so that means i won’t be up much ;( </font></p> <p><a href="http://lh6.ggpht.com/-EqiTxvAj__Q/T_IL3NabEoI/AAAAAAAACEY/gsKNf3fIhP0/s1600-h/bedroom%25255B2%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: block; float: none; margin-left: auto; border-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="bedroom" border="0" alt="bedroom" src="http://lh3.ggpht.com/-5fXzeZfhAY0/T_IL4AbQIBI/AAAAAAAACEg/sCWtVXc9D3M/bedroom_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="164" height="244"></a></p> <p align="center"><em><font face="Bell MT">finally! took a while to arrive, but i now have a diploma which rests on the wall above my computer desk :)</font></em></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">…its a holiday today, because canada day fell on a sunday. so happy belated, she’s 145 year old! that makes me feel a bit better, honestly. oh!! i’ve been (..well i <em>had</em> been) taking more photos of meals and other things that i’ve come across, but i haven’t done much in over a week.</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-Esoprm7BYlQ/T_IL5JHp8SI/AAAAAAAACEo/VqZr3Ze8ppU/s1600-h/lunch%252521%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="lunch!" border="0" alt="lunch!" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-ZxeU1_cyaFQ/T_IL5yD6L1I/AAAAAAAACEw/vIebADTZRtw/lunch%252521_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">this is actually quite old…a lunch from the cottage the last time i was there, like three weeks ago? but i couldn’t find recent photos of my meals, and i’ve been branching out with new fruits and veggies. i normally just stick to bananas, unsweetened applesauce, apples/pears occasionally. and carrots for veggies ;P these were alfalfa sprouts i think which i liked! (w whole grain stonemill bread w raw almond butter and grated carrots, grilled!). i’ve also had plums, a variety of white and other flesh nectarines (which i love love love!) and avocado, which im just starting to try out. i used to think i didn’t like nectarines because, well i love peaches. and i love the fuzzy texture, so i would always shun the crunchy “hairless” nectarines but oh my gosh i had one for lunch today, crunchy but so sweet and lovely. i tried fresh apricots many times, but after like 5 sour once i gave up. i love dried ones but i think the ones around here just were not at their best this season? they are so freaking cute though, but so fragile. like little babies. ;P …ah, anyway….</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-Fq9EoPru7Bc/T_IL7YscLNI/AAAAAAAACE4/xKedt7o5fk4/s1600-h/shredded%252520wheat%25252C%252520banana%252520%252526%252520strawberries%252520w%252520almonds%25255B9%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="shredded wheat, banana & strawberries w almonds" border="0" alt="shredded wheat, banana & strawberries w almonds" src="http://lh4.ggpht.com/-S0speyizPLc/T_IL8ym2mXI/AAAAAAAACFA/0sdVf__agjg/shredded%252520wheat%25252C%252520banana%252520%252526%252520strawberries%252520w%252520almonds_thumb%25255B1%25255D.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="164"></a></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">im glad im being much less restrictive, but it does have to do with living at home versus on my own, and having a dishwasher, more time to prepare, more ‘gadgets’ and cutlery in the kitchen to prepare things properly, and also, idk i get more anxious if its just me eating and trying things…so getting them as a family seems a bit easier? odd, i know. and not a good thing to get accustomed to because i will be moving once again on my own sooner or later.</font></p> <p align="center"><a href="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-DyxQoA7FBJ4/T_IL9-gXi4I/AAAAAAAACFI/B1OG7B9-shU/s1600-h/DSC_0105%25255B3%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; margin: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_0105" border="0" alt="DSC_0105" src="http://lh5.ggpht.com/-tKX9gHOJJNQ/T_IL-rg0L2I/AAAAAAAACFQ/lEzpKA1kkHU/DSC_0105_thumb.jpg?imgmax=800" width="244" height="155"></a></p> <p align="center"><em><font face="Bell MT">breakfast from a week or so ago: creamy brown rice porridge, banana, cinnamon/ginger/nutmeg, dried mango, crystallized ginger and chopped almonds i think…;P w black coffee. and likely peppermint tea there.</font></em></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">wow, i really though i’d be at a loss for words here but i guess, if you put a computer in front of me and get a topic started, i can sort of go on…is this boring, though? i think it’s likely much less interesting for someone else to here, but i sort of like writing about this stuff. i think it also has to do with my planning, controlling, obsessive stuff, i find myself planning so much, over and over in my head, meals, writing so many freaking lists, grocery lists for the future, meal ideas, snacks, but not in a good way, like i’ll have this idea in my head of what i might want, but also add in restrictions, like if im not feeling this then i have this instead, but if im okay i can add on this, and its just ridiculous i can’t even focus on anything else. and i feel like it lessens the anxiety to keep going, but then i realise it doesn’t because when things don’t work out as ‘planned’ i get so terrified like, ‘why can’t i eat this, what is wrong, fuck i didn’t have a “plan” for this” when really i should just listen to myself and figure whether i want something or not. it’s not helping me because i’m supposed to be breaking from these habits so that i can go out more and get back into the world, schedules, work, etc without freaking out every second. ugh, idk what to do really. writing it down makes it even more messed up because i know its an issue but i don’t want to stop.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">in other things, like work and such…i still haven’t become involved in full or even part-time paid work but im volunteering a bit at the moment, and i’m still involved with the film internship (which is infrequent…but a contact, nonetheless!) …i never know much i should write down here. a while ago i’d be ashamed to say so much of what i’ve posted, but at this point its just like, jen what’s the point i hiding it. i think it’s obvious to look at me that i’m not doing well, not working, not succeeding. but i feel a bit uncomfortable letting everyone know that (meaning, the people who don’t see me…maybe i feel like anyone reading this is the one chance i have to create a more positive image of myself…because you don’t see or know my whole past? not sure if that makes sense)…but i guess im better just sharing with one person, though i don’t have many at the moment. i feel lonely i guess…my good friends from high school/university are either away at school still, living in another province…or just ignore my messages ;P seriously, though i think i come off as needy or something because i feel like no one wants to talk to me. that is pathetic. another thing i’d never want to say out loud a while ago…but im sure everyone knows that already. but i feel like even the people i met through blogging, i thought i was close to them. i mean, i know i didn’t “know” them, and often when you’re connected to someone through something negative like an eating disorder, depression, another illness…it’s not always healthy to keep that relationship, especially if one person is doing okay and maybe the other is not (i’m totally speaking hypothetically here, by the way, so please don’t assume that i’m making any judgments!) it’s best to stay apart? i’ve never felt that way though, i mean even if i know that the connection might not be the best, i hate losing friends, especially good ones, and i think that if someone isn’t doing well and might bring you down…well i don’t think i’d be very recovered then, would i? i mean, in the “real world” i am not censored to other individuals who are not in the best frame of mind or health. so i feel like its the same with friendships. and also, i feel like i need to help these people, especially if they’ve helped me out when i needed it. god i suck at explaining myself, expressing my feelings. but i guess i am trying to say that, i’m lonely? and that i’d love to talk to anyone who reads this, im so serious, and maybe i don’t seem all that “together” but i still try to offer my advice! aha, even if it might not be helpful, i try to help.</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">anyway! sorry for that long-winded paragraph. i guess i should post more often, because i obviously have a lot more to sort out than i think. i just never believe that it’s healthy for me to post, or that it’s helpful for myself, or for anyone who might read it. but i will try to post much more often, even to make me feel as though i’m accomplishing something, or working on/toward some objective. i feel a bit useless at the moment, really. i am going to wrap this up though because i could likely go on forever. and no one wants that! i hope all is well with whoever comes across this, and i am thinking of you, probably! hoping and wishing for the best for all of you. lots of love!</font></p> <p align="center"><font face="Bell MT">xoxox jen <3</font></p> jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13532153698301622569noreply@blogger.com12