little love life

a simple thursday

2012-02-09T18:42:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

i’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting…ugh, to find some inspiration to create a post with some sort of “substance”…or just, like, a point to my post, really. i was looking through an older blog, someone i did not know of when she was writing “live” because i started this ‘journey’ much too late. but she had posted a survey, which seemed quite unique because the answers were simply composed of one word. i won’t link back because, i don’t know her personally & i’m not sure if she’s okay with it…and i think this has probably been around for a while ;) i also changed a few things (can i do that..?) probably not. i might be sued for this so, yea… i also changed the spelling to canadian/uk because the other way bothers me. and i deleted a few…bahh whatever, please do the survey if you’d like and post it or something. or just do it for yourself, i found it pretty entertaining, but i’m easily amused at things like this, im simple-minded i guess:

1. What is your name? jennifer
2. Your hair? brown
3. Your mother? everything
4. Your father? brave
5. Your favourite food? difficult
6. Your dream last night? repetitive
7. Your favourite drink? soothing

8. Your dream/goal? pretending
9. What room are you in? bedroom
10. Your hobby? dreaming
11. Your fear? sick
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? admired
13. Where were you last night? typical
14. Something that you aren’t? right
15. Muffins? sweetness
16. Wish list item? beauty
17. Where did you grow up? muskoka
18. Last thing you did? applications
19. What are you wearing? blue
20. Your TV? escapism
21. Your pets? babyyy
22. Friends? gone
23. Your life? shocking
24. Your mood? weak
25. Missing someone? always
26. Picture? perfect
27. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
28. Your favourite store? jcrew
29. When was the last time you laughed? today
30. Last time you cried? friday
31. Your favourite novel? harry
32. One place that I go to over and over? cottage
33. Favourite place to eat? home

ohh, and on that endnote, onto some eats ;)

breakfast from last week: “banana-cherry-almond” oats ;)

mixture of old fashion oats and organic oatbran cooked with 1/2 banana, dried cherries, cinnamon, ginger and natural raw almonds, topped with crystallized ginger, shredded wheat & almond milk

…or just one.

i hope this update wasn’t too lame, i want to post more, but i often don’t have time at the right moment, or don’t have something nice to share, or any other silly reason. but this was fun! for me, at least…but i just needed some time to find a bit of inspiration. even if it was just a simple survey. it’s odd how something like that can make me think about so many things, memories, feelings…just from one word. ahhh, well that’s me in a nutshell.

not taken today obviously, as there’s no blue.

that’s all i have to say really…i hope you’re doing well. and i’ll talk to you soon. xox

jennifer

no, i won’t grow up

2012-02-04T18:13:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

is anybody there? i miss you all, but i am sure that you’re just busy and having fun, right?

happy february :) it still shocks me when i realise how much time is going by, i can’t believe i’ve been living in my apartment now for over a year. time seems to go by agonizingly slow during some moments…yet, i often find myself looking back, so confused and sad, wondering what the hell just happened. i know i will regret it when i get even older and find myself, yet again, not in the place that i want to be. but sometimes even that fear, isn’t enough to motivate me to change my ways and just move on.

i feel slightly strange posting, just because i don’t know where everyone has gone. i know that fewer updates can mean something positive (as in, you’re too busy having fun and living life) and not simply that something is wrong. but it makes me a bit sad, and i feel ashamed to admit this. that i have a tough time dealing with change, and moving on, forward. i long for things from the past, like memories and people that i used to talk to, and places that i used to go to. i find myself often looking through old blogs with authors that i never got to ‘meet’ because they left the [blog'] world before i even made an [i’ll admit, minor] appearance. and i just cannot move on. i can’t move forward or leave things in the past, whether the memories are good ones or bad ones…and i think that might be why im not doing that well, and why i have such a tough time letting go of habits, and ideas in my head.

but i am so terrified that i’ll look back on this time, i know i will, and be filled with more regrets. i hate it. i hate looking back on the past…oh, i don’t know, eight, nine years just hating what i’ve done. or what i haven’t done. before then, i would look back and remember happy times. and i want to do that, i want to look back and smile, not hate myself even more. and, as we get older, i know those mistakes get bigger and they’re so much harder to fix…and sometimes we can’t fix them. yet, why the hell can’t i just see that? i don’t understand it. i think it just feels to risky to change what im doing to please others, and to do what’s likely best for me…because it means that i have to do even more things that i don’t like, and i don’t want to endure that. i guess the future sort of seems so far ahead. i don’t know why i can’t learn from my mistakes. i can’t even explain myself properly now. but, its not like a story, or a book, that you can just re-read over and over and it never changes. you might get something new out of it each time, but it’s still going to be there and stay that way no matter what. i don’t even care how lame that analogy was, because it nearly explains what i’m feeling. and i do that…i re read books that i love, over and over, and i love films. and…honestly i think that’s one of the reasons i love to act. but i think it’s the wrong reason, wanting to be other people, to escape, being someone else is okay, but only if you’re also living your own life. you cannot just live through a book or a movie or a story. i don’t think that’s healthy yet i sort of do it all the time.

but i don’t want this to be another negative update, because i know how difficult those are to read. and often i just have to stop reading someone’s blog for a bit, and i feel so guilty, because it’s not fair to them…and it’s hypocritical because i do the same thing. so, i will move on to more happy subjects…like yummy eats & gingersnap larabars…that’s just what i’ve been thinking about this past week ;P i had one of two, only two (!!!) lovely gingersnap bars and made it last a little while. yet i was nonetheless sad to finish it off…i have one left though.

i’ve been taking photos a bit more often, which makes me happy i guess. i’m not that good though, i know that lighting is a huge contributor to successful photography, but mine are never that nice, even though i keep trying to practice and work on things like composition. though i don’t think have have grasped that concept yet :/

gingersnap oatmeal—> old fashion oats cooked in water, cinnamon & ginger with 1/2 ripe banana, 5 natural raw almonds chopped + topped with part of a gingersnap larabar, crystallized ginger and a few tbsp almond milk :)

that bar is amazing, flavour-wise it smells so heavenly. i only have one left from new york in october, i saved them for a long time. i hope they come here but i doubt it, as the cinnamon roll never did and it’s retired now. likewise with the pistachio, and the cocoa-mole i think. but ohhh my god okay i thought it was a spicy chocolate, like with peppers or something, but then i just learned that it’s cinnamon??? i don’t like spicy things but i love cinnamon and ginger. i love love love loveee ginger ;)

anyway, that’s about it ;P … so, please just let me know how you’re all doing, im dying here ;P and maybe you can give me a little (big) shove and shake me and scream “WAKE UP JEN”…

because i’m just dancing, dreaming here…not really thinking about reality or clearly realising what i’m doing to myself and to my future. i really don’t want to regret things anymore, and i don’t want to look back and wish that i’d changed when i had the chance.

so long lovies ;) and i will talk to you all later, much love xoxox

shredded wheat saturday

2012-01-28T18:51:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

this morning’s lovely breakfast was cold cereal, an old favourite.

post shredded wheat, alpine swiss muesli, ripe banana, natural raw almonds, cinnamon&ginger and skim milk

i was actually planning to make creamy rice cereal (bob’s red mill) for both my brother and me, but i was in a bit of a rush as my appointment this afternoon was bumped up to an earlier time. ugh hate that, especially since i was planning on going to my house beforehand to do some stuff…so i had to sort of switch things around and do that afterward. that’s okay though, it means that i was able to have cereal! because i took a photo, i loaded it up on my computer and did a few things before eating it, so the milk really was absorbed. it was virtually gone and the shredded wheat at the bottom were so soggy aha…it wasn’t the best though, but i’ll try this again.

it’s pretty unpleasant out today, sort of rainy/snowy, same as yesterday i think. but so much colder than it looked! and very windy, i was almost falling over sideways, im not kidding. ah im talking about the weather…i just have nothing interesting to share. but i wanted to write and just say, “hello”. so…hey there, how are you doing? ;)

today i had an appointment, and it was okay i guess. i just hate how awful i feel when i’m there, i just get so miserable, and i’m always asked how i am doing, what i’ve been up to, updates on jobs and everything. and i feel so stupid and worthless time after time delivering nothing positive. i don’t know if you know that feeling, just like not wanting to be you, to be there, to feel anything…like i just hate myself in those situations and i feel really icky, i can’t describe it properly, it’s just a feeling but it’s quite strong and, well, i don’t like it.

“He wished he could be anywhere else and anyone else but Here and Him.”

(James R Silvestri, ‘Hawthorn Road’)

she actually brought up the weight thing again. this might sounds confusing but i don’t see her for eating/weight/etc reasons, though because my weight dropped a bit it’s something we’ve been talking about a tad, and also because of my stomach stuff. but she just wanted to be able to check it each time i saw her to make sure it didn’t drop. she didn’t say that i’d have to gain, though she’d be happy if i did. but i was just, idk not wanting to be weight (she brought it up as a question first, as if i had a choice but i guess that was not the case)…anyway. it was the same as last time. but i told her that i just became more anxious because either it would go up and i’d feel gross, or stay, or go down and it could be for so many reasons but i was afraid that she’d only think that i’d done it on purpose. because i know that it’s difficult for people (doctors, friends, parents) to trust us because we can manipulate others and ourselves, and what not. but when we are really telling the truth…does anyone really believe us?

she assured me that she just wanted to make sure it wasn’t dropping. i just sat there for a while, awkward silences and she said “it would be irresponsible for me, as a physician, to ignore the fact that you’re up and walking around at a bmi of xx”…and i was like, noo that’s not my bmi. she said it was, and i said, that’s not possible with this height and weight, etc. anyway, she said, “okay but even if it’s higher it’s below xx”…i sound like a bit of a bitch now. and im so scared she’ll come across this page here, so i just want to put it out there that she’s really sweet and i don’t not like her, but today, ugh i just felt odd and angry and i knew that the numbers were not correct. but, in the end, they seem to get the last word…if she was right, then okay she’s right. but if she was not right, well jen it’s below this number bmi anyway so…yea, still an issue. but of course i don’t mean that i want to prove the doctors wrong. that’s the opposite, i’m so afraid of many things and have ideas of how i can get something, etc so more often i want to be proven wrong though. so that my worst fears, nightmares, don’t really come true.

*****

ahhhh anyway sorry for this, once again. i think im treating this as a journal, which isn’t good. i guess it’s a good idea to try to work out thoughts, but only if i come to conclusions, and only if it helps me right? and so far i think im just repeating things. i just hate that now i have one more thing that im anxious and stressing about when i see her. and one more thing to feel crap about, whether it goes up or down.

on another note though, i just finished a clif bar for my snack. well, i’ve eaten them before but i never have the entire thing, i might give a few bites to someone else. im not sure if this was a good idea or not. it tasted amazing (oatmeal raisin walnut) but certain things worry me, like if i’ll get sick or if its was too much fat, cals, fiber, etc…but i did it and i hope it’s okay. it has protein in it and my dinner tonight won’t have that much, so i was hoping it might make up for that :) it was also the last one in this box of five i got on sale…last fall i think, or like late summer aha. my brother finished two boxes in like a week or something. i have a few to try though, the choc-almond fudge one, a blueberry-crisp one which we don’t have here (from a lovely friend in the states) and a chocolate chip-peanut-crunch, so three new ones. although i think i tried the last one once in second year or first year uni, but i was eating it like a lunch replacement and decided i didn’t like them as they were too rich, like cookie dough and not bread-like or soft like other bars. so i would only have the oatmeal or carrot ones. but i thought i’d try it again. because i didn’t used to like the apple larabar and its one of my favourites now.

one of my collections starting :) actually i threw them out afterward, i only need one collection. so it’s at home. and it’s just larabars because, well they are just the simplest design. im probably going to forget this soon, and i know you’re likely laughing at me right now. but if it makes me happy, which is a rare thing…then i should just do it :P

“If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago...” (Cheri Huber)

i hope you’re enjoying your weekend, and are happy & healthy. take care of & be nice to yourselves, please…you deserve it.

xox

jen

thoughts on a tuesday morning

2012-01-24T12:01:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

how are you all doing?

this morning’s breakfast was a lovely bowl of cold cereal.

shredded wheat, plain cheerios, alpine swiss muesli, 1/2 banana, tbsp golden raisins, natural raw almonds & skim; sprinkled with cinnamon&ginger :)

today i’m planning to go visit my house and do a bit of…housework/chores. random, but i’m also looking after it a bit while my parents are away, and they have a few things that they want checked. i hope to stay there overnight, but i’ll be leaving my cat ;( oh well, my brother is here. she’s staying with us (cat) while my parents are away as well. but i feel badly when i leave her, especially when i’m supposed to be looking after her. i don’t mean like every hour on the hour, etc. but overnight, i usually realise that i’m lonely when i stay over there, but it’s a bit fun to get away from my apartment with my brother. they have more tv channels in the evening :P ah jk. sort of. i don’t watch that much i promise! but i also feel as though its still my home, and i have things there and will probably do laundry over there.

i’ve been having larabars recently. i have a few from a while ago, and some from christmas. i buy a few at a time and then eat them in stages. i get so excited to buy them, but eating them seems like a bit deal. im not entirely sure why though.

yesterday i had a favourite, but unfortunately they don’t have them in canada yet :/ this was from when i went to new york. yes, that was in october…:P i don’t like the cashew one that much but i love this one. yet it’s virtually the same? the addition of salt maybe changes it. because i know it’s not the chocolate chips since i don’t normally like those. anyway it’s good. it is a bit chewier and less crumbly than my favourite, the peanut butter or peanut butter chocolate chip ones. but i think that’s why it has a similar texture to cookie dough.

another one of my favourites :) peanut butter (or peanut butter cookie in the states); this photo was of the first larabar i tried in that flavour, over a year and a half ago i believe. and it was a pb cookie from a friend in the states :P so it was true to it’s name. i love how it;s dry + crumbly yet flavourful like a yummy peanut butter cookie.

well, i’ve had really conflicting thoughts recently. actually i always have them, but they’ve been worse lately. i had a naturopath appointment recently, as i thought (and my therapist) it might help my stomach ailments. i had previously visited one but they are quite expensive. she took my blood pressure and my weight, but asked if i wanted to not see the number: “a lots of people get stressed out about that and would rather just not know”. i said that she could just look at it herself, but when i stepped backward onto the doctor-style scales i regretted my stupid decision. i thought that i might be loads heavier because i always am at doctors versus an at-home scale, plus the one we have at home is old and i always add a few pounds onto it to feel like it’s legitimate. but the thing is, i’d rather know it then anyone else. so i was just standing there as she recorded it and i was thinking, fuck i want to know it. know i don’t know but she does, and she’ll tell my doctor, etc. i sort of forgot about it and honestly assumed i’d be five pounds more at least (typical, plus i step so slowly on them when im alone and sort of bounced right onto this one)) as it was a doctors scale. but she apparently told my therapist my weight and bp. now, that’s sort of like german to me. i don’t know what the numbers mean (xx over xx), and i couldn’t recall it when my mom asked. i remembered an eighty but not the other. but my doctor called my parents to say that she was worried, and i found out that the number was a bit scary-low. honestly, i think it’s a combination of stress, and that she took it right as i sat up. and often it doesn’t go back to normal when i change from sitting/standing, etc. still though the number was low and now im a bit worried. i didn’t want to mention this on here because, for one, it’s numbers and just sort of personal. also, i feel like i’m boasting (in a sick manner...because who wants someone to be concerned for your health) and yet now doing anything about it. your’e probably thinking, ‘wow okay…so you have poor results and you’re still not getting better or doing anything about it’.

also, i mentioned to my doctor that i was having at least a certain amount of cals per day (to my therapist) and that i had possibly reduced by 100-200 since last fall or so. and she thought that the number was pretty high, which made me doubt myself. and i hate how i think this way. i thought i wasn’t that much, yet for most people that amount of calories is a lot. and even before i developed eating issues i’m sure i didn’t eat that much. and i don’t want to be constantly defending myself and telling people that actually that’s not that much food, or that i need more, etc. i don’t want to be consuming a number that seems high for people. i know that sounds silly, and that i just need to do what’s right for me. but the problem is that i have no idea what is right for me. i don’t know what’s ‘right’ anymore. when i was younger i didn’t count anything like that, i just ate when i was hungry, often when i wasn’t because i did competitive swimming. but i’ve always been conscious of what other people think of my diet/intake. and if my therapist thinks that this number is okay, or high enough…then i’d feel gross having more. does this make any sense? and i see her for my anxiety and other issues like that, not anything ed related. i never speak about it unless she prompts me with something. so i’m not required to gain or lose or anything like that. yet, i guess. but she just said, ‘don’t lose anymore okay?’

i’ve never consciously gained though, only when my intake was low and i would just eat a bit and then randomly have a lot, and my metabolism was fucked up and i gained back most of what i had lost (at age 15). so those are the memories i have of gaining, and the more i gained, the more disgusting i felt. the more i just wanted to lose so badly. im sorry if this is triggering. but i guess when you’re in ip or something like that, people are making you gain so it seems like its not your fault? i mean, in both cases, you’re gaining weight. but if it’s being forced you can think, okay i wouldn’t do this to myself it’s someone else’s choice. it just all comes down to the regret thing. for such a long time i could not lose, either i gained or maintained. and now that i’ve lost, i don’t want to consciously gain because i have this fear that i’ll keep gaining and never will be able to lose anything. so part of me is like, jen no don’t mess this up or you’ll suddenly gain and feel awful, wishing you had stayed where you were. i realise that it has to be my choice, my decision, in order to fully recover and be happy with myself. but i know i’ll be so unhappy and hate my body and everything. i don’t know how to be happy with myself, but i know that if i’m not…well i won’t be able to live life normally and have a career because i’ll always despise my appearance. i realise that there is so much more to life than this, however the way that someone thinks about themselves is also important. confidence, or lack of confidence, plays a huge role in whether someone can be successful, happy, etc.

ughlskdfj okay end rant. i hope this wasn’t crazy confusing. i have a horrible habit of, like, not making any sense. seriously. i think i am making sense but then i realise that i’m just not and people are thinking, whaaa? i just feel very odd spilling all these thoughts because i’ve never really talked about my issues regarding weight and food and history on here. plus, so many people that i used to talk to or blogs that i read are not there anymore. and those that are there focus on other things. because they want to think about something other than this disease that makes them feel like shit. which makes sense. i just feel so embarrassed because i have like no life. and i want to give you something positive to read, i really do! i’m realising that i have so many habits and try to control and plan things, that if my day goes differently i get so anxious. but i’ll need to change this a little bit when i work. and i feel like people are reading this thinking, what the hell does she do? i’m searching for a career right now and i’m currently doing a little internship. otherwise i’m just trying to get through each day. how pathetic is that? i am so anxious and honestly each day seems like a struggle. but when i look back i realise that i haven’t accomplished much, even though i seemed to be doing so many things. it’s not as though i’m relaxing…but i do have a bit of time. i think it just takes me a long time to do things…

ahhh okay i’m going to stop now before i create a novel. i hope you’re all doing well, and i’d really love to hear from some of you :)

xoxox

the sunday blues

2012-01-22T13:00:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

how is everyone’s sunday?

i’m feeling just a bit sad today. anxious and a bit sicky, plus i always have a tough time (this is embarrassing considering my ripe old age…) when my parents are away on a long vacation; even when i went to school across the country and rarely saw them, knowing that they were gone, not accessible made me sort of weirdly upset. and i get awful stomach symptoms which might be related to that, or stress, or something else. but i just get this sad feeling, its like homesickness but intensified and doesn’t go away. i can feel it and i’m so aware that its about to hit me. i’m really hoping i can avoid anything like that this time. i mean…it’s a bit pathetic and i should be okay. maybe if i distract myself? i’ll try, anyway. i just feel a bit lost and it seems as though this will never end. at the moment i feel sick and scared, and i hate this so much. but onto other things…

ginger raisin cinnamon muesli oats!

mixture of quick oats, alpine swiss muesli & org oat bran cooked in water + microwave, with natural almonds, golden raisins, cinnamon& ginger, topped with crystallized ginger and milk

i found this photo online and thought it was quite fitting (minus the fact that it’s granola) :) and really pretty.

so, i’ve been feeling very stressed. it’s so annoying though, because i can feel my mind racing and i try to sort of plan and control things, but then i have so many thoughts and i can’t distract myself, so i try to figure them out, and end up thinking even more…but i can’t leave them alone or i get more anxious. does that make any sense at all? or am i just really crazy…

i’m trying to distract myself with things that i need to do, or just things that normally calm me…like writing (here…) reading, films, walks, tea. but nothing is helping. im just sort of losing it by now. i know it might pass but it doesn’t help the fact that it’s here right now. i keep telling myself, calm down jen its anxiety, you’re okay, just breathe. but it’s not really working.

as i never seem to show you any photos of my lunches, here is one from a little while back home: one cold (the best way) hard-boiled egg with salt and coarse-ground pepper, piece of whole grain bread with creamy honey (looove) and cinnamon, baby carrots and ginger, unsweetened applesauce and cinnamon, chamomile herbal tea :)

do any of you have tips (like foods, drinks, or calming activities) that help you relax and avoid anxiety and stress attacks? i need to find better ways to cope with this, and i’m at a bit of a loss, really.

i also just found out something about my health, some not so pleasing results and i sort of had a wake up call. well i didn’t know them but my doctor/therapist actually contacted my parents first, so i felt a bit shocked and upset. now, i know how annoying it is when someone writes this (when they’re clearly not taking care of themselves) and then says, ohh gee how is this happening? and they still go on worrying about their calories and sodium and fat intake. but, on the sodium topic i cannot believe i made myself get sucked into that. i’ve NEVER worried about that, even from the beginning when my intake dropped and i counted every gram of fat, i never worried about sodium. i fucking need it, it hydrates you and prevents goiters…:P

but most-importantly your body needs it in order to function properly. and low sodium levels can lead to low blood pressure. god im such a fucking idiot. anyway, never again. it’s good to not go wayyyy overboard but, seriously, it’s fine to have salt. anyway. but i often find that no one takes you seriously until there is a physical example or evidence that something is wrong. i’ve always felt panicky at times, and would be so nauseous and weak and dizzy, even at a much higher weight. so i know that my stress and anxiety is really messing me up, not just the weight thing. i’m not making any sense here, but i complained of this for a while but everyone thought i was just overly-concerned because nothing showed up in any results. but now that there is ‘evidence’ and what not, people are suddenly concerned. it’s also scary, because you don’t think that there’s a problem, you don’t really think that you’re in danger until something like that shows up in a test, and it’s normally a bit late by then. i don’t even know what im getting at here. but im pissed off and scared, i don’t know what to do because what i’m doing isn’t helping anything. i am not sure how im going to get better from any of this, i honestly seems “too far gone” by this point. that’s such an awful attitude but it’s just too hard to try to combat the fears and anxieties and ignore the billions of triggers that i get on an hourly basis.

i want to leave you with something positive though and, since i cannot provide that myself today, i’ll get some outside help :P

i constantly show this clip to people but it’s too much, seriously it kills me every time :)

until next time, and i will be happier…i really hope so anyway :/

breakfasts with my many thoughts

2012-01-18T12:08:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

it’s cold and sunny today, quite a change from yesterday’s mild and foggy weather. and it was snowing earlier, large fluffy flakes falling from the partly sunny sky :)

today’s breakfast was a lovely bowl of cold cereal:

shredded wheat, plain cheerios and alpine swiss muesli, along with natural almonds, golden raisins, sliced banana and almond milk. with cinnamon & ginger of course.

no photo, as it didn’t look very lovely, even though it tasted good. the silk regular almond milk, which i never have, is the same one that my mom bought for the rice pudding recipe last week, so im using it up as no one else drinks it. plus, i didn’t have to buy more milk this way! i usually have (cows) skim to drink, or on my cereal at least. this almond milk was a bit of a challenge because i usually have skim or 0% soy, and i guess im used to not much fat from milk on my cereal. partly i thought it was easier on my stomach maybe, but also its a food fear thing. it was creamy, but not the unpleasant heavy creamy sense like i would associate with milk fat, and i actually liked it! i kept reasoning with myself, as i eat almonds all the time and they obviously contain fat. but i am not sure i can tolerate this, stomach-wise. maybe it will improve with time?

how awkward are my titles? im so embarrassed actually, but i realise they’re nothing witty, i just like to make a title that isn’t, “wednesday january eighteenth” like i used to.

i finally uploaded a few breakfast photos from the past little while.

(eaten & enjoyed at home, with the same coffee mug and table)

all were quick or instant plain quaker oats, microwaved or with a kettle :) i actually like that sometimes, instead of old fashion oats or oats on the stove top. plus, these were all early running days, so i wanted something that would not take too long to prepare as i was really hungry!

so, what have you all been up to lately? i must admit, i’ve been bad. well, not great. not trying, not positive, not motivated. it sucks and it will change i promise.

i’ve been having such mixed feelings and emotions lately regarding eating. in advance, this will be really awkward and maybe triggering, and please don’t attack me. but on one hand, say i’ll have something, but not all of it because i’m afraid it will make me sick (so at this point im not thinking about weight at all). and then i’ll think, no jen eat it all of course, its not much and maybe you’re stomach is always upset because you don’t eat enough. but then i realise that most people don’t eat when they feel sick, plus im eating more than i did pre-ed and i do virtually no exercise, its pretty awful. so whatever i choose, my mind (on one hand) tries to justify it or make me feel better, with either “its good you didn’t eat it all because you’re probably just going to feel ill” or… “ good, you ate all that so now you’ll have more energy”, etc. and i’m not NOT eating in general, i don’t like to mention calories because everyone is different and i know i’ll be judged no matter what. but my breakfasts are quite sufficient, and i eat often, snack and meals. its just that some meals are small, and my dinner is often the same amount of calories as my dessert/evening snack. its like i hate feeling full and it make me scared, not so much about weight concerns, but that i’ll get sick.

i don’t know it this makes any sense at all but i feel like i need to say it, justify something, get some advice. and that’s why i’ve been looking at the calorie count forums, where most of the girls (boys too) are eating much more and in recovery. and the amounts scare me so much but it reassures me that i can have more. yet, some people cannot eat that much, i mean some people go into a phase in recovery (if they’ve been on a starvation diet which i haven’t unless im sick) where they need high amounts of calories to maintain or gain. so then i think, well jen you don’t need that! you’re not a teenager and you’re hardly moving at all (and this is not ed talking i promise)…because i’d probably gain on (using numbers now) 2000+, i maintained on just above that but i was at a higher weight. so im so confused. i know that people saw we need much more, but im not active and im getting older. and before any ed stuff i swam a lot but never had like 3000+ calories and i was maintaining at a higher weight. again, im sorry for this but im just so confused and i keep looking at it in opposite ways and im trying to justify my decisions, reassure myself each time yet i feel like im lying to myself. ugh i don’t know what to think and i hate being this scared and not assured all the time, most people just eat, drink and be merry. i mean they don’t freak out about every fucking choice, but i feel so scared like my body is just going to react a certain way. since i’ve been getting really awful stomach symptoms (lately like severe nausea, i mean debilitating) i am terrified to “upset” it (quite literally too) so i feel like i’m not in control of anything, especially my body.

okay, i never like to talk about the eating thing as if it were another person. i never say ohh my eating disorder says this…etc because, well im not entirely sure i even have one. but also i never felt like it was a separate thing controlling me, i felt like it was me, always me, but different parts of me…like the anxious and stressed jennifer, the self-conscious part, the obsessive part, the part of me that wants to be in control or wants to be thin. does that make sense? i just don’t like reading things when people talk about it like it’s another person, a monster, because it makes me so uncomfortable. but, that being said, i know that many people feel like that is what their ed is, and i fully appreciate that. everyone is different.

today’s outfit, though i was really hesitant to post it because of how i look. and my legs. see im never going to be happy, and i know they look big or normal or whatever. ldskjfdlj. but i wanted to post it and there’s not point in pretending i look any different than i do, right? it’s hard to be pleased though, that’s for sure. i know i’ll never like my lower half unless im like a lot lower than i am, which would make me less healthy, and even then i’m sure i wouldn’t be content. the sad thing is, that i used to never wear tights or leggings or skirts, i love them now. but i only wore skinnies (jeans) as i thought they, at least, made my legs look a bit smaller. but i just have short legs, with muscle and not straight up and down. and soon i won’t want to wear tights or skirts or anything like that. and i hate how my weight sort of limits how i can dress. and i know i’ll likely never stop envying other people and their bodies. even though i know that i can never really change, because this is how i am built. many people believe that eating issues are usually not about weight, or just about weight. i guess that can be true, but for me, i think its largely (bad choice of word, but it fits) about that for me. except maybe the food controlling and restrictions and size or limitations. that’s always been a thing.

i failed, once again, to bring you something short and sweet. it’s never short, and it’ve never sweet. i admire other writers and bloggers (i should not consider myself a writer bahaha) who can produce lovely simple yet captivating posts, it gives a sense of calm, and i love how they can get so much across in such a short space. is it a bit too much to read? please be honest! i want people to want to read this, even though that might be a high expectation. and i know that a lot of writing and thoughts, especially about weight and possibly detailed descriptions might be triggering. but this just seems natural, at least this post, and i don’t feel like im forcing something else…sort of like what i used to do in my early posts.

i hope you all have a lovely wednesday :)

xoxoxoxoxox

meals and memories

2012-01-17T14:23:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

i hope you’ve had a lovely start to the week. it’s foggy, rainy and mild out today. january thaw, i guess…this morning’s breakfast was a bowl of oatmeal, banana-almond-pecan oats ;)

mixture of bob’s red mill organic oat bran and old fashion oats in water, with 1/2 banana, natural almonds, cinnamon&ginger, topped with a few tbsp alpine muesli, natural pecans & almond milk

i was just out at second cup (a canadian coffee franchise) with my dadio, part of his birthday gift/treat of a coffee…i still owe him more though of course. we just talked, and i felt so stupid because i had issue with going out and getting something. i won’t explain more because it really makes no sense to anyone else. and i just was strangely sad and depressed. but i was happy to go out with him though, that’s for sure!

i found this survey on the calorie count forum, but it seemed really fun and i wanted to try it out. i just like remembering things from my childhood, so this was just one of those things :)

When you were a kid, what was your favourite...

Fruit? – grapes (green)

Vegetable? – potatoes

Meat or alternative if vege? – probably beef, like homemade beef patties (i hate that word though) or roast beef

Carb? – i guess cookies? aha

Drink? – apple juice, milk (chocolate, but it was a special occasion thing as my parents never bought the nice stuff and only added syrup which i hated, well it just wasn’t chocolatey in the right way you know? nestle quick or something i think it was called)

Sandwich? - Peanut butter and honey; cheese + jam (yes, like real cheddar and pure jam…often with creamy honey too but idk why, sugar over load it would seem); hmm and baloney :P (always ww or whole grain bread, we weren't allowed white)

Breakfast cereal? – well i would have loved “sugar” cereals but we were only allowed those when i had a birthday party and the girls stayed overnight (i would love cinnamon toast crunch or fruit loops) but at home we had shreddies, rice crispies or plain cheerios which i’d have with a bit of sugar, or cream of wheat with brown sugar and milk

Breakfast treat? – a “sugar” cereal; or a sweet bread on Christmas morning

Homemade meal? – macaroni and cheese (with the bread crumb topping) which my mom made

Thing to bake? – rice crispies :)

Chocolate bar? – reeces

Sweet? – cookie, banana bread (homemade)

Biscuit? – for store bought? these maple cream sandwich things? i think it’s the dare brand. or oreos..

Thing to order at a restauraunt? - …

Thing to order from a takeaway? – we never got this…but i guess pizza is the only thing i can think of that we ever ordered, so peperoni i think?

School dinner? – …like school night i guess (i didn't;t eat dinner at school)…hm spaghetti with tomato and meat sauce

Packed lunch? – …i loved having lots of little things, but that might of been when i got more disordered; so jam, honey & cheddar on ww bread, yogurt, two cookies :P

Dessert? – ice cream with chocolate or butterscotch sauce, or topped with red sugar sprinkles, in our cupboard from god knows when…saved for birthday cakes i guess, but maybe those things don’t expire?

Thing to snack on? – …oh ants on a log (celery cut up, with peanut butter and topped with raisins); raisins was also something i liked but my mom would be so worried about cavities, as apparently they caused cavities? well the sugar…

Restauraunt? – …swiss chalet

Thing that you could make or cook? – hmm not a lot, instant oatmeal, cereal, toast/sandwiches

All time favourite food? – …i honestly can’t remember, but i recall liking sweet things; i’d say cinnamon toast, so toast with butter/margarine, white sugar and cinnamon, it was so sweet and spicy, and i would make sure there was a lot of stuff on top and eat some separately :P (now i make it with honey and cinnamon)

***********

i noticed that i had trouble remembering, and thinking of answers. i was sure that i would be able to find the things i enjoyed “way back then”. but, honestly, most memories i have are from age thirteen onward, when my relationship with food became a little wonky. i began to really enjoy things, but the fact that i can remember incidents so well lets me know that it was becoming unhealthy. so, most of those answers are from my teenage years, and when i was looking back i saw myself eating dinner at our kitchen table in my old…old old place i guess, when we lived in a small town. sunday night dinner was eaten in the dining room, and was usually a nice roast beef with horseradish, roasted of mashed potatoes & a green vegetable. and for dessert? my brother and i would go get a bowl of vanilla ice cream with a bit of chocolate sauce, all eaten at the same fancy table right after dinner (whereas now i will not do that, and wait to have my snack later on and more spread out) in front of my parents who would sit and smile, not eating any though :P i would eat it sooo slowly though, and became a scientist, mixing my ice cream so it went through “stages”. first, think like a milkshake (i’d try a few bites), then more like pudding, then chocolate sauce! i was an odd one.

one thing i do remember, is that i didn’t care so much about specific foods, i have little memory of my thoughts around food (except that i was a bit picky and like having things that i was used to) as long as i could eat something; also, i don’t remember preparing or getting food together, and i always had to ask before i had anything; often, the answer was “no”, or i’d have to wait until dinner. but i guess that’s a bit typical of kids, as our parents were teaching us to be healthy (and not spoil our dinner which they worked hard at ;) i guess i feel as though i didn’t have a relationship with food, until it became something more, something a bit disordered, but i think it’s sort of common for people to go through stages like this. i definitely liked to eat though when i was feeling okay and hungry, it wasn’t like it was a chore all the time or anything (i know some young kids from past babysitting or camp jobs who just don’t really fancy eating, i mean little sweet things but otherwise don’t seem to get hungry).

anyway, so many thoughts. im sure you’re bored, but i always become a bit fascinated with my past, wondering what i was thinking or what bothered or excited me most. i am glad that my parents raised me on healthier food though (and i compare this when i talk to others my age) because it also taught me to appreciate treats for what they were.

well, i’m sorry if this was a bit boring, i seem to find things to write about but then make them so dull by focusing on them so much, and then writing a novel. i guess i have a lot of thoughts. and i think that i believe i’m more interesting than i really am…but honestly it’s just that i’m quite fascinated with looking back and wondering why i acted or felt a certain way, how i’ve changed, what was going through my little kid mind. that’s why i love watching old videos. i think that i sort of want to believe that i can feel happier again. plus, i know that our past greatly contributes to who we area. well, scratch that. i mean i believe that i am composed of my past experiences and what not, so if i’m wondering why i have certain struggles, and feel like i’ll never not be afraid of things, or never stop being weird…if i can look back at myself when i was younger, and see that i really was okay, it sort of gives me a bit of hope

i hope you have a great week though! and what is your favourite things to put with oats? i know i ask that often but i need more inspiration and ideas.

xoxox jen

sunday morning oatmeal

2012-01-15T14:46:00.003-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

good sunday morning! its a beautiful sunny (but cold) day outside. not that i've actually been out yet, but this is what i can make of it by looking out the windows :P i shall venture out later on when i walk home. i'm at my family house right now, and this morning i spent over an hour in the kitchen making breakfast for everyone.

an hour, you might ask?

well, yes! you see, i was determined to make steel cut oats properly, as close to 'le pain quotidien' as i possibly could! so i kept the heat on very low, and slowly cooked up something magical. i was proud of myself, as my parents kept saying it was wonderful, & my dad exclaimed at least three times, "this is the best hot cereal i've ever had!" now, i'm sure you lovely oatmeal connaisseurs have higher standards, but for my parents this bowl was just fine!

bob's red mill organic steel cut oats! alongside pink grapefruit, coffee & almond milk

i cooked them in water and eventually added cinnamon, ginger, cloves & nutmeg, a few tbsp golden + thompson raisins and vanilla; i added sliced banana, chopped natural amonds & walnuts to mine, along with much more cinnamon&ginger :P

we had a large bag of baby carrots best before the eighteenth...so a carrot-related recipe was in order!

anyway, i'm about to upload photos from my new camera finally, as im bringing it back to my place :) im excited to start taking photos more often (especially of breakfast). but i have to say, it is nice to just write & not worry about the food documentation, and it is nice to create & enjoy a meal without worrying about what it looks like, remembering to photograph it, take the extra tme. plus, often prettier bowls don't taste as good, at least in my experience.

carrot-raisin muffins, with TWO types if raisins (golden + thompson, as my mom purchased the former along with the almond milk to create rice pudding!); recipe slightly adapted from one of 'anne lindsay's' lighthearted cooking cookbooks

well i hope you're enjoying the weekend; i stated over at my family home last night, and was able to relax this morning sipping coffee, reading the sixth harry for the bajillionth time, & chatting with my parents about matters (both serious and light). it was pretty enjoyable actually!

here's a stylin' photo of my morning attire

enjoy your sundays and i will talk to you all soon :)

wishing & hoping...

2012-01-14T13:55:00.004-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

another post? why, yesss, of course!

i feel more motivated than ever right now, but i know it won't last long. that's okay, i find that i just have to go with it and make the best of the little moments when i feel sort of happy. lately i've been feeling an urge to write much more often, whereas before it was forced and sort of controlled, planned. it's really odd and it comes randomly. sort of like the waves of sadness. however it never lasts long :/ so i always try to grasp it and keep it for as long as i can.

this morning i had a lovely bowl of cold cereal!

in the mixture was shredded wheat, plain cheerios, banana, natural almonds, chopped natural pecans,
golden raisins, topped with cinnamon&ginger and some milk :)

it was wonderful. i feel really hungry now though, which is scaring me. it like pain/sick feeling and i had a snack but i don't know why i would be hungry, i had enough breakfast...? now im sipping some lovely bigelow peppermint tea mmm love peppermint tea so much :)

in my mom's old espoire (hope in french) mug by avon, for breast cancer (see the pink ribbon?)

im feeling slightly nervous as my parents are meeting with my doctor/therapist alone today. i was sort of invited, but i have experience with the family therapy thing, it just doesn't always work out the best and its very stressful. so i know she will tell them everything and they will, in turn, tell my everything. so its fine for them to meet alone. i just fear that things will be planned, put into place, that i have no control over and that im terrified of doing. so i'll hear about all of that tonight when i go home :/ ohhh god i really hope nothing is planned without my consent. i realise im over 18 but since my parents are partially paying for me (some things anyway) it doesn't matter. and even though i've graduated from uni with a degree, well i've failed to get a full time job or career-related employment and it's been since the early fall really. so that scares me just a tiny bit...

evey pumpkin loves them as well

i think the pb and it's sisters (or brothers) are some of the best flavours. that and the cookie dough which i tried (still not in canada though, pour quois larabar???) and i loved. i don't like cashew for some reason, it doesn't taste like cashews but like bacon or brocolli or something not quite right. but this only had salt as the difference (and chocolate chips) and i normally could do without chocolate in a larabar. it's a mystery, i tell you...

well! i'm off to have some lunch, clean up, etc and get my act together. i will talk to you all later, and i hope your weekend goes swimmingly

xoxox

a big friday thank you

2012-01-13T16:06:00.002-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

i just wanted to stop by & thank you all for being so kind. really and truly :) today is a new day, which is what i keep trying to tell myself. it's odd how i can begin to feel refreshed and motivated, believe that i will never be bothered by the fears that consumed me the day before, but then suddenly i'll be triggered and back to my old ways :/

oh well, it's the baby steps i guess! i feel a bit attention-seeking when i talk like this, but i guess that's sort of a given when you have a blog. i mean, you're just writing about yourself, so i think we're all allowed a bit of space to put things down, even if it makes us focus on ourselves more than what would be deemed 'acceptable'. but what the fuck is acceptable anyway, pushhh stooopid stuff right there, that's what i think :P slash not, but im trying to not be too bothered by what others believe, i normally get swept up in that and it's not healthy! to a certain extent, yes, im motivated when i think about, not only my own desires, goals and dreams, but the expectation of others. but then you can go a little bit too far.

anyway, i wasn't sure how to really say all of this so i made you another video ;) joyyyyys. i hope you'll watch it though, but it got a bit too long. and a bit shakey, like motion-sickness inducing perhaps. gahhh i hope not!

(it gets slightly less awkward partway through...or at least you can see my face, anyway; i look awful but that's life)

off to watch more of 'hounddog' again (if i can get the dvd to work, i don't know how to switch it from tv/cable to another setting, so that's sad). i promise this isn't a daily thing. this morning i was surprisingly productive, and i feel like it's a treat to watch a bit of something in the middle of the day. it feels wrong though. dakota fanning is quite amazing, and i've loved both she and her sister (elle) for a while. but this film, well it received a lot of controversy, it was an indie and they shot it somewhere quiet and remote. it's set in a small southern town and dakota's character, lewellen, is fascinated with elvis, and uses his music to get through rough times. but her character is raped, and that scene created such an uproar. but it still premiered at sundance and finally, in 2009 i believe, came to toronto for tiff and was released in very few theatres. but a few christmases ago, my brother and i were at wallmart and came across the dvd, so he bought it for me that christmas as a gift :) i think the film is wonderful though. it's sad, but the acting is brilliant and i believe it's one of dakota's best performances. which is saying a lot, because she has embodied each roll she's played, in my opinion.

what are some of your absolute favourite films? you can pick more than one!
i know i wouldn't be able to narrow it down either :P
& have you seen hounddog?

wow im actually proud that i managed to keep this short ish. well, minus the video part. again, thank you so much, that sounds repetitive and doesn't express my full gratitude, but i appreciate each and every one of you, i really dooo :)

xoxoxoxoxox X infinity

time for a little honesty

2012-01-12T17:13:00.000-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

this morning, for breakfast, i had “apple pie oats” themed oatmeal :) i was quite excited, and attempted to sort of replicate the apple larabar (we call it apple in canada, not apple pie for legal/copyright/idk reasons)…

it was pretty yummy, but i find that apples lose their sweetness when cooked, so i don’t think they are a good addition to oats, but if you have ideas of how to do it properly please let me know, as the crispin apple i had washed was quite yummy fresh but not noticeable in the oats after they were cooked (i just wrote cookied. mmm cookies :P); in the mixture was:

mixture of old fashion large flake oats & bob’s red mill organic oatbran, cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 chopped+peeled organic crispin apple (huge!), golden raisins, natural almonds, cooked in water in the microwave, with crystallized ginger and a touch of skim milk added after cooking :) i didn’t have walnuts, so the almonds were a lovely substitute there

so, today i had a revelation. well, not really. i sort of already was aware of this, but i suddenly felt like i needed to explain something. i want to be honest here, and i have been leaving out a few things which probably are contributing to my recent not so lovely health (mentally and physically), but i had chosen to keep certain things private because i’m embarrassed; also, this is public and i worry about who sees it. however, i’ve already gone ahead and shared more than i’d want anyone i know to read (or possibly any career-related people, which is quite risky i think) so i might as well continue on that path. i think i finally caved because i sort of would like support here, even though i know its highly unlikely that any of you suffer with the same thing, and probably don’t want much to do with it; i’m scared that you will all think i’m wacko, honestly. like, i would also think the same thing. hmmm what am i getting into here? i’m sure this is all very confusing but i will try to be more coherent..

okay, well, i know that i’ve mentioned my anxiety issues before. but perhaps i wasn’t that clear. i have a lot of anxiety. and fears, and phobias, and obsessiveness. i guess some of my behaviours and thoughts would classify as ocd, although i do not like that term, nor do i appreciate the stigma that it holds. i also hate how people say, oh god i have ocd, im so ocd (i used to say that too, so im just as guilty), and so on. i am terrified of throwing up. seriously, and im scared of anything associated with that. and i truly mean that i think about it all the time, almost. i used to be afraid occasionally, or when i was triggered. but those thoughts and fears are with me all the time now. as in, my anxiety is sky-high almost all the time, i guess i’m just living in a constant state of fear really. plus, i feel sick nearly all the time, i have horrid stomach symptoms which i will not go into detail now for your benefit. i’m terrified of sickness, germs, etc and i wash my hands a lot. my skin is always awful in the winter, just because of the usual dryness and weather, but it’s quite awful at the moment. largely due to lack of care. lately my anxiety and fears have become so severe that it’s just interfering with everything. part of the reason that i’m losing (or was losing) is due to this, not simply ed issues. however, i’m actually eating a lot more than i used to, and i would love to eat while enjoying it. it causes me so much panic that i’m often eating a bit, getting up and walking around, taking deep breaths, etc. i hate eating out, not simply because of the unknown calories and what not, but because i don’t know if the person preparing it is ill, i don’t know what they’re doing, i just don’t like people touching my things really. when i do eat out, as a challenge, it’s normally hell. but i used to love eating out! i thought it was special, magical, just lots of fun really. like a treat :) well now it’s like a punishment, really.

are you still there? im so sorry to leave something like this with you. i should have mentioned that this could be triggering, not that i think you might suffer with this (i know i’m not the norm at all here) but that the comments on eating and weight and the negativity that surrounds this post could be a bit of a downer.

im honestly so scared to post this, and i understand (sort of..) if you don’t want to read or don’t get it or just think that i’m mental. but i want you to be honest. i just feel like the biggest fuck-up because i’m struggling with nearly everything at the moment. and i can’t handle responsibility i guess, or any form of stress without it going straight to my stomach and making me literally terrified. and its nearly all the time now. right now i feel so sick and drained and unpleasant. and it feels like someone is sitting on my chest. so i guess that means its partially anxiety? but i feel ill and im so worried about being sick, constantly. and im stressed out about the fact that i’m not going anywhere (positively), and im scared of everything, really. my parents also sort of see my doctor (therapist) and they are meeting with her again, on their own, tomorrow…i hate that they’re discussing me, it just makes me paranoid. i know i need to get better (with this but also physically and with ed stuff, even though she doesn’t focus on that, apart from the weight issue) but the pressure and anxiety that i also get from them (i know they care and i love that, and i know i really negatively affect them, i know that…partly because they tell me all the time) but saying it over and over doesn’t make me think, “oh okay wow i didn’t know that, i’ll make sure to stop being so retarded now”. it just makes me more guilty and more stressed and more hopeless. ugh lskdjflksdj honestly, i never thought i would become this ‘bad’. i legitimately feel as though i have no control over myself. not my body, especially not my mind, not my symptoms (stomach) which tend to cause me the most stress.

and one of the worst things is that i’m not young anymore, im fucking twenty-two. i mean, fuck jen get a grip. take some responsibility. suck it up. i know that most people my age are already working full time, and no one takes any crap like this. but it’s not that its simply stress. i know that people deal with that on a daily basis. but when its debilitating, painful, and interfering with everything, than is it okay to be struggling? i don’t think anyone needs to suffer with this, and it’s not as though i am simply lazy, don’t want responsibilities, don’t want to work. that is not the case at all. i deal with unpleasant things on a daily basis, and i know that life is hard. but this…i mean this is hell. it’s hell on earth, literally. and i really can’t do it anymore. i’ve tried getting help, i’ve tried sucking it up but it becomes too much and then i get scared again and stop trying to move forward. its like im in limbo and i have no way out it seems.

"The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn." -Gloria Steinem

well, there is is :/ i wish i could have delivered a better note but that’s all i really have for now. i attempted to make it short, but my thoughts are never really clear or concise, and they never have been. i also wanted to somehow describe it in a nicer way, but i think that’s impossible, really. instead, i’ve left you with a bunch of words, and a lot of negativity.

"Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe." -Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

i’m not trying to make people pity me though, i do realise that so many of us are dealing with our own concerns, troubles, struggles. please don’t think that i feel as though im a special case or whatever. i just wanted to stop pretending that my main concern surrounded eating, and weight, and everything that connects to that. however, i know that eating disorders are never solely about weight, i do realise that, and i don’t want to come off as ignorant. but for so long i just didn’t mention this, because it’s only become more of an issue in the last year or so, and i was embarrassed, and it just made sense to focus only on the eating thing, especially in this community, because that was something that we all shared, and all struggled with. and it just seemed easier that way, to be honest. ohhh, honesty. somehow i feel a bit better now, i’m not sure if i’m just in a bit of a daze, or what. but the weight on my chest isn’t as strong or heavy. that’s a slight relief :P i know it will come back though, as it always does. maybe all of this is something that i will need to live with, or just learn to adjust in some way.

"‘Because,’ she said, ‘when you’re scared but you still do it anyway, that’s brave.’" - Neil Gaiman, Coraline

i guess i sort of feel that way. i’m, in no way, challenging myself to the extent that others would hope for, but i do feel as though every day is a struggle, every minute sometimes. but i think that’s sort of what a lot of people feel, or maybe it’s not. the thing is, and i keep telling my mom this when she asks me if i’m trying, i feel as though i don’t necessarily shy away from all of the things that im scared of. mainly because i cannot, i mean i can’t avoid them. maybe i’d like to. so, in that retrospect, i do think that i keep doing things that scare me, but then i have to deal with the consequences afterward. and whatever it does to me. that’s when i get angry, because it all comes down to that. and i’m the one who has to deal with it in the end. it’s so much easier said from another point of view, and i have a lot of trouble trusting people because of this. i rarely trust myself, even. because if something goes wrong, well, that’s what im terrified of. yet, it is my life and only i can make it work. and everyone who has helped me has done it for me (and for themselves), so ultimately we’re all trying to make things better, right? it’s not like someone’s holding a gun to my head telling me to try harder. i want to, otherwise i guess i wouldn’t be here. maybe that’s wrong, to say that. maybe i should just stop talking :P i think i will, but i promise that i won’t keep doing this, and that i will return with something happy, for once. because you all deserve that, you really do.

a meaningful monday

2012-01-09T18:06:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

this morning i had a really nice breakfast. i was a bit anxious though, so that sort of spoiled the atmosphere, but i won’t talk about that. you see, as i didn’t have a photo of it, i was determined to use a photo of my own, even if i had to painstakingly search for it through my early years on here :P so, i bring you a breakfast from my past:

(the only similarity is the shreddies, but check out that loud table spread wooowzers)

this morning i enjoyed a cold cereal bowl of just shreddies, along with sliced banana, natural almonds & golden raisin, topped with cinnamon & ginger and some skim milk

it’s a rarity for me to choose just one type of cereal, so i was quite proud today ;) i haven;t had cold cereal at all lately, so this was a nice change. it’s odd to say that, as cold cereal was almost a staple breakfast for me not too long ago. fishing through old posts (and i mean a lot of posts) allowed me to sort of look back; it’s quite a cool thing to have a blog, you know? i never really documented much throughout my life so far (apart from random entries in journals, when something drastic happened…ranging from like doctors weigh-ins to actual scary events, like when my mom and i were sort of hit by a car. it’s not as serious as it sound though!) and instead i seem to remember things quite vividly. often it’s the bad memories, and i just have them ingrained in my mind forever. but i also have memories of positive times.

anyway, reading these old thought collections wasn’t really a nice experience. i’m not that honest or outright negative (i am more now i guess) but i can just see right through my words and i remember how sad and lonely i was, especially during my third year of uni when i lived alone. i was a bit off campus and ended up switching out of a lease with friends, and had sort of switched programs and lost touch with friends from there, and so on. but i just feel so sad and uncomfortable reading my old posts because i seem to be attempting to say something good, but failing miserable. i took a lot of photos though, that’s something i’m missing at the moment. but also, just the way i look at photos of myself, it wasn’t that long ago. and i’m sorry if this sounds awful and triggering and just nasty, but i feel like i looked humongous. and it’s not like i am that much smaller now, but at the time that these were taken i didn’t think i looked too awful. i mean, i always have issues with that but just the thoughts and remarks that went through my mind looking back, it was horrid. i feel awful thinking those things, as if i’m directly making a horrible remark at another girl. even though it’s me, really. i’m not sure if that makes any sense at all, but it just further stresses the fact that i’ll never be happy with my body. but also, that i won’t be happy at that weight, which was definitely healthier than now. and if i end up losing more i’ll look back at photos of myself at present and think “oh my god i was huge”…

today i’ve been sort of productive. i feel like a bit of a lazy slob when i don’t have many plans, or don’t work a lot or have outside work to accomplish, so when i feel like i haven’t done enough of that i make sure to do apartment duties, like my share of cleaning, and i did my own organizing, and went out to shoppers as part of my walk. that’s like a drugstore, hmm like walgreens i think is one of them in the states? im probably way off but that one comes to mind as i used to look at certain food product brand names for their nutritional content online and i think it was linked to that site :) its weird the things i remember. well, not really though :/ i guess it all ties into the same freaking thing. i also feel guilty buying things as i’m not working full time, but most of what i purchased was along the lines of hand cream, as my skin is awful now on my hands. not only because it’s winter :/ but, i found either generic or discounted brands, and oh my one a day multivitamin, the women’s one with calcium and more iron/other nutrients that we require, which differs from men i guess? and mascara, because i needed that.

shortly after that i sipped some lovely ginger tea. it’s a stash tea mixture of (off the ingredients)…“ginger root, lemongrass, lemon, safflower, hibiscus + citric acid”; my favourite ginger tea is from traditional medicinals, called ‘organic ginger aid’, and they have a line of stomach or other related ‘aids’ in teas but this one is six dollars or something for 16 bags, and a bit too pricey for all the time :/ it’s so lovely though, ahh :)

well loves, that’s all really. i really like being able to come on here and write, even if nothing is planned. i used to start a post one day, and plan and edit, until i published it weeks later. but it was never that impressive, so i’m not sure why i felt the need to do that. i realise that posting often and spontaneously will make my blog even more boring :/ but…ah i don’t know i mean i think this is helpful for me. and now i feel as though i’ve removed that ‘high expectation’ that i had before, feeling as though everything needed to be constructed in a certain way, and making sure that i wrote about this and that and included a photo of this, i mean i never really succeeded and i haven’t posted photos regularly in over a year.

i just love this song so much, it plays often on a classical radio station that i listen to

i hope you’re all doing okay :) i feel like everyone has been busy or absent for a bit, although maybe i’m just really boring and obsessively checking for updates :P yea, that’s probably it. lots of love though, and i’ll talk to you soon xox

larabars & baking days :)

2012-01-06T15:44:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

happy birthday to my lovely daddioo :)

he's getting up there, but looks pretty good for sixty-one, i have to say ;P don't tell anyone his age though, okay? he's quite sensitive about his age...but if i were him i'd be telling everyone how old (young) i was, i don't think people are 'old' until maybe ninety-five or so, i just can't think of my parents being 'old" & probably never will...it's just too weird, really. (plus it means that im getting older, which i find very difficult to accept...) but anyway, i must remember to call him today, otherwise i'm in trouble...

so, today it's about six degrees above freezing. odd. i went for a run, and the contrast between this and last time (tuesday, minus twenty something...) was pretty extreme. i enjoyed a bowl of warm oats, but i'll spare you the recipe as it's very close to last time, if not exact :)

so...im supposed to be baking my dad a cake tomorrow ;) i hope so, anyway, with my mom. now, she always looks at lists and recipes and directions in an anal fashion (sorry but the word fit well here) & i'm, well lately anyway, sort of the opposite. between the two of us we take like 5 hours to make something i kid you not. i hope it goes faster though as the cake won'e get a chance to cool properly! :o ohh the horror. then we can ice it, decorate & serve it with some ice cream, a la mode as they say. vanilla :)

my dad has requested a chocolate cake s'il te plais, jennifer. (he asked in english though). and i know its not fair to make something that i would want. i don't think anyone would wan that :/ so this is for my dad. i might try a bit, but (for reasons other than ohhh chocolate/cals/etc) it would maybe sort of ruin my stomach. but i want to try a bit anyway, especially if i help make the damn thing :P it's a recipe from 'fannie farmer’; (nick-named fattie farmer) which is an old book. she has many 'treat' reccpes, were using just the old traditional thing, like butter and what not, produces lovely things :) but her everyday recipes a really heavy in my opinion. i remember only having one as a kid. her macaroni and cheese. with the bread-crumb topping. do you know what i mean? i loved it. later on we had it and i was shocked at how filling it as (and at the ingredient list) but my mom usually used recipes from anne lindsay cookbooks which ive mentioned before. more 'lighthearted' & healthy :)

part of today's morning snack :) this was a new flavour of those envirokidz organic nature path bars (peanit choco drizzle) which had a yummy pb flavour with peanuts in it along with the crisp brown rice. but, although the chocolate was nice, i would prefer it without too if they could do that :) i checked the website, and they have a flavour like that. but i haven't yet found it :(

anyway, lately i've been trying more bars. mostly ones from a while ago, or as gifts & treats as they're a bit expensive.

i like these :) i just love the packaging, and some of the flavours are quite nice. often though its a bit too much nut/fiber? (im not sure) for me, but i can sometimes have like half with oats, and the rest later. i've tried all the flavours i believe except the cherry tort, cookie dough, and old flavours/discontinued (they don't sell those here)...and for what's sold in canada, just the coconut one. so i might pick that one up soon :P i'm not a huge coconut fan, but since its with dates, i think i might like it. is it good???

for a while i kept saving the wrappers to make some sort of collage, since the colours are so pretty and bright. but then i just threw it out aha :P i might start collecting again though. i like the jocolat wrapper, and still have mine from last time. my favourite ones are the apple, pb, pb+chocolate chip, and also i've tried the chocolate chocolate-chip (i know its called chocolate brownie or something in the us right?) which is odd as i normally don't like the chocolate ones, but i had it during the summer and it was humid at my cottage, so i was worried that it would spoil and kept it cold in the fridge, so it was just like a lovely dark chocolate brownie piece and very firm...and i love the walnuts.

oh, yesterday i had my unplanned, unscheduled, scary work/internship day :) it wasn't too long though. we were somewhat successful, and i got a few things done. well, off i go to call my papa ;) i hope you're doing well & i'll talk to you later loves

xox

jennifer

chilly days & catching up…

2012-01-03T17:03:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

wow, it’s very cold out today. the temperature suddenly dropped very low, though i was prepared because of the weather network, channels, news and so on. i had planned a run and was determined to do it today, and knew that i’d likely not want to go out later on with this forecast.

it was about minus twenty or so with a wind-chill making it feel like nearly minus thirty. that’s celsius and im not sure what the conversion is so this might not mean anything to you. but it was cold, just trust me. i couldn’t feel my face and my brain felt smushed when i got back :/ i’m not sure if you’ve had that feeling, it happens to me when i swim in our lake deep down where the water is the coldest. sort of like its frozen inside your head. i can’t describe it well obviously. it wasn’t as bad as i thought though, and the only parts of me that were cold were the uncovered areas. my headband thing shrunk so i didn’t have something to cover my ears ;( stupid jen..

anyway, once i sort of de-thawed and got ready for my day, i enjoyed a warm bowl of oats with various toppings and what not. i found this photo though, which i thought was cute. i think it’s ‘porridge’ though, which could mean any type of oat or hot cereal. but it looks yummy to me.

my bowl was plain oats with cinnamon&ginger, ripe banana, almonds, topped with crystallized ginger, shredded wheat squares and some milk

i don’t know why i’m doing this, but i feel like i want to post a lot more often now. even if they’re never read, i feel a bit accomplished once i do this. initially, i was looking forward to writing something. but i’ve just had a few things added to my to-do list and possibly some work this week which im stressing about because i have a few important appointments and in terms of emotional and physical health, i’m just not at my best. it’s pathetic though, i obviously need to be working, and if something like the above is stressing me out i need to just get over it. but i can’t help it. im a bit of a wreck now, i feel like my week is a bit jumbled and i like having things somewhat planned (even if things, like my own issues and symptoms usually get in the way and disrupt my life) so when i get some news, well let’s just say im not very flexible or spontaneous. i just don’t think i was born that way :/

ugh i don’t know what to do. and now im just going to be pissed off at myself for writing something so negative again. i seem to have difficulty refraining from doing this…even though no one is holding a gun to my head telling me to press publish.

something new, change the subject jen…(i talk to myself i think…) well i’ve been looking at a few blogs that i had not come across before. but most of them are finished, or the author hasn’t updated for a while. but i’m trying to motivate myself and it’s quite fun to read blogs because they can be inspiring, and i can relate to some of the things that they discuss. i’m not sure if it’s healthy though, as i usually find myself either wanting to buy certain products & goodies, and/or wanting to look more like the author, not really look but like, ugh well idk body-wise maybe? it’s something i used to do a lot, but not lately. even if it’s in an unhealthy way. and the thing is, im supposed to be gaining confidence and feeling more comfortable with myself and with life. and this probably won’t do the trick. i’m not a good influence…on myself. seriously, i mean sometimes i just need to give myself a shake, because it’s almost like i cause most of my own problems! not all of them though, i don’t think that’s fair. i’ve been feeling so sick lately and i get awful stomach symptoms and stress and anxiety, and i don’t want to feel like this at all. and i hope i’m not inflicting it upon myself…?

i just feel a bit sad, because this morning for once i sort of felt okay, and my day wasn’t going downhill too much, but suddenly it is and im feeling not so great. i hate how i can’t handle even one extra ounce of stress or pressure. im normally very anxious, and then certain things make it go skyyyy high. and it’s honestly debilitating. and i’m getting some help with that but nothing seems to be working and i know most of it is because of me. and it becomes frustrating, not just for be but for my family and any support-system that i have…how do you deal with stress? i know a lot of you are in school, which comes with it’s own stressors i know! but i get very anxious about a lot of things, not necessarily things that would stress a normal person out…if you’re understanding me at all. i know i can get wordy.

once again, well i’m sorry for being negative. but i guess this is my own blog, and that’s sort of what it is here for. but i hope to continue to improve and become happier and more independent so that i can report on something much more positive and uplifting. because i hate to be a debbie downer, and i also just feel a bit embarrassed, because i’m telling people about the negative things in my life and i’m definitely not improving my reputation around here. but until then, i hope you’ll continue to read these, and i really promise that i will improve.

i hope you’re all doing well :)

xox love jen

dancing dreaming living…

2012-01-02T13:25:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

happy new year

this morning i had a lovely bowl of cold cereal:

shreddies and a bit of shredded wheat, with almonds, 1/2 banana and cinnamon&ginger. along with milk of course.

this is actually an image from a year or so back in the summer, which i edited because i thought about making it a header. but then i couldn’t part with the one i have. it seemed so foreign and i didn’t like the fact that it would look totally different, since i’ve had the audrey one for a while. you see, i thought that my current one had nothing to do with my blog regarding food, just my love of film and acting. but then i realised that it was from breakfast at tiffanys…so it sort of works. and i decided to leave it. but i do like this photo of cold cereal that i took, and it closely-resembles what i have for breakfast today :)

number fifteen, “romantic flight” is my absolute favourite. please listen to it!

i cannot stop listening to this song. this soundtrack. i didn’t mention it before, because i’ve already told you about my love for the ‘how to train your dragon’ music. john powell. he is amazing. all the john’s…john debney (dreamer soundtrack) and john powell for ice age i believe. but on christmas day, while feeling like a pile of death, i watched a bit of the movie as it was playing on one of the movie channels. and the music. i can’t even explain but i just felt so incredible for a few minutes. and felt like crying and laughing and i was just dancing around like a fool. i don’t know why? but it felt good, and then once i turned the film off, it was like a light-switch. and all the sadness came back. it sucked, really.

i was just about to show an intensely-emotional video of me dancing to this song….:) ahaaa…just kidding. well not about the actual video, but i won’t show you it because i know most of you already thing im a bit unstable. for another time i guess, right? or as fred (or george?) says in the fifth harry potter book, “ah, we’ll save it for parties right?” no way, that would be embarrassing. i’ve mentioned before that i love to act, and love films, and would love to act in films, and just be a part of them in some way. i love music as well, and really admire those who do music for films. film music, soundtracks, whatever the technical name is (composers?) is just one of my favourite examples of music. that uplifting sound that accompanies films, it just makes me happy. why is that though? does anyone else get that sort of feeling from music?

i took a lovely photo of my breakfast yesterday, but forgot to add it to a blog draft, and i was at home. so now i’m back at my own computer…without the photo :( things like this really make me wonder why? and also, why am i so upset about a thing like this? it happens to me all the time. little things really get to me. but i will show it another day, it wasn’t anything truly special, but i was at home and had gone for a little run, and when i had breakfast i made plain oats in the microwave with banana, almonds, cinnamon&ginger. but i added a few dark chocolate chips on top, which i never do, and they melted a bit and paired with the almonds well. im not a huge chocolate person, and especially don’t like it in the morning. but this was just a very small bit and it was sort of good :P

i ordered a box of these on this website called iherb, which i found from another blog. it sells the types of bars i don’t have here, and this is one of my favourite flavours but it’s not in canada!!!!! oh the horror. but honestly i wish it was less sweet. i like how the cinnamon flavour is strong and over powers that soy-protein flavour that all lunas hold…but it doesn’t require the ‘ice’ part in my opinion, and i wish it didn’t, just like i wish that the others weren’t all half chocolate-covered. i like chocolate and sweet things at certain times, but i often use these bars as a pm snack, and it’s too rich for me to have something super sugary or chocolat-ey as a main snack component. but honestly, it’s not too bad, and i still like them. i realise that i’m against the norm here i guess, since most of the flavours are either iced or chocolated (not a word but it fir here), and the company caters to it’s customers.

on a sort of serious note…has anyone ever (or known anyone who has) been to ip for something other than eds? along the lines of other emotional/mental struggles…and please don’t make any assumptions with why i’m asking this, i had no way of asking anonymously. i know, i mean even i automatically think of a scary psych-ward setting with people mumbling to themselves as they walk down the hallway shuffling their feet, holding onto some portable iv drip thing. but then again, they’re still people. and i’ve changed through the years as i’ve sort of become less ignorant about such stereotypes.

well, that’s all. i hope you’re all enjoying the beginning of a brand new year. a fresh start i guess. although, we can always start fresh, we don’t really need to wait a whole year to go with the rest of the world. i like to pick random times to change and create goals. like, three minutes from now is the beginning of the rest of my life. i love saying that. it’s such a hopeful feeling, even when you’re feeling everything but. and even if you’ve just had the worst possible day, you can always turn things around.

xox love jen

“it’s the little things that…”

2011-12-30T16:55:00.004-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

i awoke to more snowwwww. yes. they called for rain, which i thought would melt the snow. i had planned a run and just sort of got ready anyway, though i was anxious for some reason and not feeling that great. story of my life, really. i finally said, do it jen! just go, you silly arse. (first time i’ve used that saying by the way, and i like it). it was not too cold but very hard to run on snow, sort of like on sand. you have no grip, plus there was ice beneath it as i noticed the last time i ran….and slush on other parts of the road. a short run but i was glad i went and it made me feel a little bit happy. it was refreshing. that’s the word. and hopefully a healthy choice for me.

you see loves, i’m trying to choose healthy habits. i have some, not too many, and many unhealthy habits. so i hope i continue to expand the former and start to feel better. that is my dream anyway…whether it pulls through or not, well that’s partly up to me. yet i am still convinced someone out there hates me and is dealing me shitty cards all the time. if that sounds ungrateful. well then i’m ungrateful. but honestly, i don’t want to get into all of it but i just haven’t been doing that well in a number of aspects of my life and health and mind.

after returning this morning, i showered, did a few things on my computer and realised i was laaate. so i got ready. and arrived in my kitchen to wash, turn on the coffee maker and begin preparation for breakfast. yes, by late i just meant late for breakfast :) teheee…it was quite nice, but nothing new really. it’s something i have often after a run morning, and doesn’t take too long but still consists of oats in some form:

plain oats microwaved with 1/2 banana, tbsp natural almonds, cinnamon&ginger, topped with 8 bite size shredded wheat, a few small ginger pieces and a bit of milk

it stays quite hot for a while, and i don’t mind adding some shredded wheat bites which sort of absorb the milk which i don’t usually like adding to oats. i know im a bit odd, and feel strange talking about food all the time like this :P …yea i need to watch my tongue smiley use on here apparently as i got called out on formspring…i just like them, they’re cute :/

this is actually my first time writing a post, not in blogspot. apparently my computer has an application that allows me to log on and see my blog, and the post can be written in more of a word document friendly style. i don’t know if this will work at all. but it’s cool to try at least once, you know?

my new almond butter (which has not been opened…and i’ve had it for 1/2 year)

…i finally finished my natural smooth pb (just generic store brand ‘our compliments natural') in the fridge and opened my pb+co operation smooth. so i wanted to make sure i didn’t have so many opened at once. so i will let you know how this goes but i used to eat almond butter all the time, when first tried it a few summers ago it was a daily lunch thing, sort of replacing natural pb. and i used this brand, and alto a store brand of lawblaws called ‘presidents choice’. this one is also canadian i believe . i’m not sure if you can tell but the side i showed you is in french. baha, i thought i’d be proud for a change, although i really don’t think you can even read it thanks to my skills at webcam photography…

i’ve been having less brown rice lately but i also bought this a while ago. it’s backwards (ohhh how karen/’mean girls’ i am) but i’ve never purchased this before, any of his rice products. i just typically like to make everything to do with rice from scratch. well, i guess not entirely back to the grain, but you know. and this is partially cooked somehow and takes 10 minutes i think. i thought i would try it out. but it’s whole grain brown rice, Uncle Bens :)

i don’t like how my posts have been so down, and after yesterday’s i felt like writing again. but i just feel sort of silly letting you into my problems. is there anything you would like me to include? i guess it’s fun to simply roll with it, and do my own thing. but im so self-conscious and realise that my blog is not that good. and the only questions i seem to get are either appearance-related (in a negative way though) or about my typing or…smileys :) i thought i’d end on a fun note, this was from a while ago. well, probably 2 months, maybe 2.5? it makes no sense but i somehow got it to load this time when i wrote my post through windows live writer instead of on blogspot/blogger. i hope you still want to talk to me…and read my blog. and, yea…

the old video that never uploaded properly. i though i’d treat you. jokes. it’s not interesting at all + the audio is messed up. but it’s sort of amusing i guess

have a great weekend, and i hope you have fun celebrating the new year, please be happy, for me and for you as well :) you all deserve so much happiness and i hope this new year brings with it great memories, and much less struggles.

xox lots of love, jen

snowy walks, cemeteries & reflections

2011-12-29T21:02:00.002-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

i'm sorry that i left my last blurb on such an awful note. i don't apologize for publishing all of that though, i chose to do so. however, i didn't mean to spread the sadness or anything like that. i just wanted to continue being honest, even if that meant risking becoming too open. i wanted to make sure i came by again shortly after to try to salvage myself, lighten the mood, ensure anyone that i hadn't "signed off, "checked out early", however they say it these days...

but today started a bit late actually. not a bad thing though, and i sipped coffee while doing a bit of work/emails/etc (after eating a banana). i usually don't like to have my actual breakfast right away, but the banana is so that i can have some food before coffee, and i was a bit hungry :P i later enjoyed a bowl of oatmeal, themed with additions i don't typically use...

pear-gingersnap-oats :)

mixture of old fashion & quick oats cooked in water with 1/2 pear (shared with my brother...or forced upon him rather) cinnamon and ginger, tbsp golden raisins and natural almonds; topped with crystallized ginger, 3 crumbled organic sasha bread spelt-ginger-snaps + a touch of milk :P

yesterday i really thought about writing a post, not to share anything positive but to ask for help. i wasn't feeling better and felt like the sadness came back in strong waves (i hate saying that, it reminds me of sickness waves which i've had a lot and ugh i cringe to think about that)...also i've been feeling so sick lately. i wasn't sure if it was caused by a few things but i always expect the worse (in my mind, like my worse fears). plus the added anxiety of things that i was doing and focusing on regarding the holidays made it worse. and i hate that, because it used to be my favourite holiday.

anyway, i thought that i should wait a bit, and i decided to write today. i know that this is my blog, however i do feel responsible, at least somewhat, for the mood that i share with others. and i know that when i read a post that is very negative, either i can relate so much and feel less alone, or it simply triggers me so much, and i have to either force myself to read on, or just stop. which i don't like to do either. sometimes it doesn't help to share the gloom, you know? however, i believe that someone can write whatever helps them, and if writing about negative things helps, then i want them to do that. it's just that, well, i wasn't really asking for help or advice, i was simply stating it as it was. and i feel as though i may have hurt some people. i know i have few readers so i'm not trying to make myself out to be some high and mighty thing...but, well i don't want to lose those i do have.

i just came back from a little 'excursion' with my dad. well, he picked me up and we did some photography outside :) we drove to a nearby large city cemetery, it's a park essentially, quite private but i used to run in there a lot. and i never knew anyone buried there, but my uncle sam was actually just laid to rest there last tuesday. it was odd, and today the earth was still sitting quite high above as it takes a long time to settle i guess. he has a nice stone, with his last name. i'm not sure if my cousin plans to be there, or if my aunt wants to be put there as well. there is no inscription, or even his date of birth and death but i guess they will do that later. but today we didn't stay there, we walked around and took photos with a natural light. it's overcast and we've had a recent snow 'storm' which allowed it to accumulate on the ground. it was quite cold but a nice setting and light for taking photographs. i love walking through that cemetery, i find it so beautiful. it's quite old, and there are numerous large trees of all kinds, and such a variety of stones. but there is a paved road for bikes, cars, people. i always feel a bit awful walking on the grass areas where people are buried beneath me.

initially i was spazzing because i was late, and trying to eat my lunch (which included a hard boiled egg, but i had more dishes to clean because of it) and i was freaking out about a few things, not essentially 'normal' for anyone else so obviously there was no excuse for my lateness and i kept apologizing and then just became angry and bitter. i explained that i was sorry for being late (to my dad) but he sort of pushed it further, expressing his concern/exasperation/i don't know, that i would have a lot of trouble working more full-time, doing anything, being normal really if i was late and took so long to do things. he was right but i was already just anxious and not in a good place so it hit me a bit stronger. anyway...i enjoyed myself even though it was a bit chilly, and i focused on just talking with my dad, taking some shots, looking at inscriptions. i was using his camera, but i might show some of those photos in a little while when i'm about to use it again.

i'm sitting here enjoying the smell of maple from a really neat candle that my cousin gave to us all after they had us for Christmas dinner. it smells more like maple candy than syrup, but Canada is known for her maple syrup, and this is a wax-filled can (i guess used once for gathering syrup from a tree) and the wick has real wood in it, so it crackles when it's lit, which sounds like a fire crackling :) the candle uses a few forms of environmentally "friendly" construction i guess with the can, wax, wick...and it's just really cool. and yummy-smelling :P i hope i remember to blow it out. seriously though..my brother lit it the other times, and so i never really focused on that. he kept using my lighter and just announced that it was finished. so im making him (well asking him) to buy me another, as i don't remember using mine much lately yet its done...

well, i think that's enough for now. i hope you have all enjoyed your holidays, and have exciting and relaxing and pleasant plans for the rest of your break (if you have one..) or simply your week. i cannot believe it is nearly another year. i say that all the time but it really scares me! i guess i should just keep going, pretend that it's just life, moving along...wayyy too quickly. i feel so unaccomplished (well, at positive things..) and i'm reminded of this all the time, not just by myself. it's completely true though, i need to 'get my act together' as they say...so i shall go & try to do that :)

xox love jen

why am i so blue?

2011-12-26T22:50:00.001-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

the day after christmas ;(

i woke up unrested & so drained, i felt like i had not slept. but i had planned a little run to try to feel a bit refreshed & maybe a bit happier? it didn't work. but nonetheless, i returned, showered & dressed and stumbled downstairs to put together something nourishing, in the hopes that it would make me feel slightly human. it helped a bit, and i managed to capture it's character with my camera :)

"banana honey almond-ed" oatmeal

plain oats with banana, cinnamon&ginger, almonds, shredded wheat, the bees knees pb+cp and milk

i thought that might be the cure. but something still wasn't right. why am i so sad? ...i asked myself.

i'm actually used to the whole "christmas blues", it happens every single year. even when i was younger, i would anticipate this day, look forward to it with excitement. it was almost surreal. and i would try to prolong the opening of gifts as, for some reason, that signified the end to me. it wasn't the presents, i didn't need those. but the whole feeling of Christmas would suddenly come to an end. and i would feel so lost and sad and just didn't understand why. i've been told that many people feel that, and children experience that same sadness...but surely not to such an extreme? i know that i'm different, and that i'm not normal. and i knew, then, that this wasn't ordinary end-of-holidays sadness.

yesterday began like any other. i woke up and realised that i didn't feel that excitement, giddiness. i've felt it each year of my life, and it was missing. i knew it was Christmas, i was happy. but i didn't feel happy. i have no reason to be this down. the morning continued on, stockings were opened, there was coffee :)

it was Christmas. i was with my family, in the midst of opening gifts and even enjoying a chocolate.

i just realised how odd this photo is, an oxymoron in picture form :)

we paused to have a little nibble while jennifer made breakfast...

oatbran & oats, cinnamon, ginger, almonds banana, vanilla...

...and continued to open gifts, smile, hug, and just enjoy Christmas. when it was all over, i was prepared to feel a bit down. but i wasn't expecting such a huge blow. suddenly, i felt so empty inside, and could only feel fear for the evening to come, where i would have dinner at my cousin's new house, and a few members of my extended family. i was moody and went downstairs to try to watch a Christmas film. hoping that it would lift my spirits. why was i feeling so sad? i didn't get it. my behaviour was not unnoticed by my family, and while i went for a walk with my parents, my dad simply asked me to "try to look happy". i responded with something along the lines of "i'm unhappy nearly every day, and put a smile on my face...at least let me be honest with you". what a bitch. why would anyone want to be with someone like that? i have no reason to be like this, to feel like this, to act like this. and spending the evening with my aunt, who had just lost her husband, should have at least taught me something.

that life is just too short. it's too short to be sad, and to be fearful, and to be angry and bitter and negative. but i don't chose to be like this...i would say to myself. the feelings seem to come from some place else. i would gladly give my life to my uncle, who was clearly loved by so many people, as i witnessed during his funeral on friday. every single speech was heartfelt, and i watched with sadness as his close friends commented on his courage, his determination, his strength. and each person asked us to stop putting things off, to spend time with family, to live for each moment. it sounded so simple. but i couldn't do it.

last evening, as we were about to head home, my aunt realised that we had not spoken of her husband once that evening. 'we didn't even make a toast to sam', she said in horror. my mom, wanting to bring his name into our minds that evening, asked my aunt how long he was in the hospice for. 'two weeks..' was her response. she kept shaking her head, and finally said, 'they told me two months'...and she started to cry. i keep hearing those words in my mind today, the look on her face when she said that...i suddenly realised what she was trying to say, she felt robbed. there is such a huge different between two weeks and two months. sure, the end will be unbearable whenever it comes, but two weeks? it wasn't fair.

i guess i don't have a point to this. i don't know why im sad. but i know that i shouldn't be like this, life is not that hard. and i hate that i can spend so much time writing a stupid entry about my own sadness, instead of spending time figuring out how i can improve. i can make lists and plans and goals, but that's just something in my head, another image of what i want to be. and it's all so simple when you look at it from a certain point of view. but when i get into these moments, and feel that sadness, the goals and plans and lists don't really matter. all i can really think about is why am i so fucking sad?

of all the times that i could leave you with such a sad note, i chose the day after Christmas. but i really didn't plan this. every aspect of my life seems so planned, and i think about exactly what i want to do and when i want to do it. so when my routine is altered (which is most of the time, but of course that's only natural) i have trouble adjusting. i had hoped to write something merry, but this just sort of came out today.

but i do hope you enjoyed spending time with your families this holiday, whether you celebrate one or the other :)

xox love jen

sad news, christmastime

2011-12-21T09:20:00.001-05:00

hello lovelies :):)

i hate to start a post on a negative note, so i shall show you a breakfast from last week at home :)

cinnamon-raisin-banana oaties ;)

oats with cinnamon&ginger, natural raw almonds, 1/2 banananana; topped with the last of my "pb+co cinnamon raisin swirl", a few shredded wheat squares and a touch of milk

i'm trying to use natural light, the first one is with no flash but both required a lot of touching up.
i'm still working on my (lack of..) skill.

unfortunately, mt uncle passed away sunday evening. i was quite shocked; it was definitely expected but i think he just suddenly crashed that morning when he began having trouble breathing, which meant that the cancer in his bread was truly taking over. i always hesitate to hare so much about someone else, and worry that im invading my family's privacy. but i know im not mentioning any names, and my cousin was so proud of him, putting up a link on facebook of his obituary in the globe and mail (a key canadian newspaper).

the private burial is today (which im meant to attend) and the funeral itself is on friday. i thought they were going to wait until after Christmas for that portion (partly because most of his family is from the states) but i guess my aunt and cousin want to deal with this before Christmas. and that's understandable.

i made these a few days ago :) they filled the house with a gingerbread & spices smell which was wonderful

i love ginger so so much :) i made a few slight changes, and put less flour as they were quite dense the last time. i think i added more molasses but it worked out well, they're quite sweet but the recipe originally calls for less sugar (probably because i increased the molasses :P)

to brighten the post, lighten the mood, here is something festive to show, having a bit of fun with my new camera, just amateur photos though, i'm not a professional :P

im sorry i couldn't cheer anyone up. i hope the next time we talk i can be happier :)

if Christmas comes before that, then merry Christmas to you all

xoxox love, jen

from bad to worse ;(

2011-12-17T13:46:00.000-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

its really cold out today :O bitter, but sunny. i didn't know this until i stepped outside for a little run, in my fleece & puffy white vest :P i was pretty stylin, i have to say...

not. but nevertheless, i went out. my day has been pretty awful so far actually, its like one thing after another. some are trivial but still get to me. i felt sick and weak, then after getting showered, dressed, etc my breakfast failed so many times. it started with gross/stale oats i think, so i got new ones from a Quaker oats bag, but my banana was gone. so i got some sliced frozen ones as i didn't have ripe ones left. then, i went to pour the soy milk and shook the carton, but apparently some brilliant child (me...) didn't close it. so it went everywhere. lkjlkjlkj at this point i was hungry and just wanted my freaking breakfast. so centuries later i sat down to the breakfast below. my oats were still hot though, surprisingly :P

oats with cinnamon&ginger, almonds, 1/3rd crumbled apple-crisp crunchy nature valley bar, bite-size shredded wheat, milk

but how depressing am i??? change of topic. yesterday, my family & i had our photo taken. it took awhile and, well...i don't like how i look so that was a bit difficult. but i think it turned out sort of okay. we had the same photographer that took my photo when i was two :P same with my brother, though his was taken 4 years prior of course, as he's older. what has changed in twenty years? well, not much :P but i could sit still. when i was younger, i never could. and my mom told me that it was a bit of a nightmare taking the photo as i was on the chair for a split second....snap the photo. then i immediately jumped off.

i tried these for the first (i think??) time yesterday, they don't seem to sell the jocolats here. it was okay, but quite bitter. i like the chocolate chip/brownie (?) larabar more :P this was different though & i love the wrapper.

i'm about to set up my new camera though :) my dad has offered to help. i know :/ i haven;t even used it yet. the photos here, along with the last few, are taken with my dad's Nikon D-50 (i think thats how you say it). so im excited to try mine out :)

so...Christmas is in a week. gosh that is scary soon. i can't believe it's been a whole year. it's sad to realise that nothing has changed for the better. and i'm not the only one to mention the obvious. im so terrified that something bad is going to happen. i love this holiday but lately it causes so much stress and, since it mean so much to me, im worried that it won't be enjoyable. we're supposed to see both sides of the family. and, my concerns do not compare (in the slightest) to what my extended family is going through. on my mom's side, it's the first Christmas since my aunt died last august. and on my dad's side, it's the last Christmas to spend with his brother in law (my dad's sister's husband, my uncle...) he was diagnosed with brain cancer a little over two years ago, with a prognosis of two years. he underwent a few brain surgeries to keep removing parts of the tumour, but it was stage four when discovered, and too close to parts of his brain making it impossible to remove entirely. in the last few months he has gone downhill severely, and is now paralized on one side, along with other things, and he's in a hospice as it was becoming too difficult for his family at home. so, yea this year has been crap. the year of the cancers i guess :(

i hope you are all doing well though. do you like the holidays? which do you celebrate? i've always loved this season, but it's not quite the same as when i was younger. my best memories are probably of when i lived a bit further north in a small town. there was always so much snow all winter, and when i woke up Christmas morning i felt so giddy and excited and could not believe the day had actually arrived. my brother and i would wake up so early, and sometimes didnt go back to sleep. one year i remember we snuck down to the basement to watch tv until my parents got up, but for some reason picked a violent war film, not Christmas-ey at all :P and on Christmas eve, we would go to our local ski hill (resort) to watch people ski down one particular hill carrying little torches, it was so beautiful i remember :) it was called the "parade of lights" i think.

xoxox

love jen

just some thoughts...& something special :)

2011-12-14T17:00:00.005-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

i just wanted to make a little post to write down a few things and then add something fun :) i'm hoping this will be much less 'heavy' than my last, which...i know, it was lengthy and filled with thoughts, many confusing at times, but thank you so much for reading it. i was scared to post it, and i always worry about what others will think of me. but i'm glad i wrote it down, i think it's good to be honest. it's something i try to do in my blog.

anyway, this morning i was debating whether to run or not, back and forth in my mind ugh it was crazy. you see, part of the reason was because they're doing alarm checks in each apartment in the building all day today and tomorrow, but they don't give a time. so im just anxious now knowing when they'll come, if i'll be out or in the shower and what not since my brother left this morning. well, i decided to run and it was pretty good. short and sweet (ish). it's so mild out though, such a contrast to when i ran on monday when it was frigid. or saturday i mean, when the wind was so strong and cold and harsh.

this isn't mine, but it reminded me that i'd love to have some pecans with oats like i did in new york :)

i eventually got to my breakfast, which was a lovely oats and cereal mix:

plain Quaker oats with cinnamon and ginger, almonds,
topped with crystallized ginger, some shredded wheat bites and a bit of milk :)

i had my coffee afterward while doing some computer work and what not. my anxiety has been sky high lately, and it's usually quite high by the way. so now its just awful. everything sends me in a panic essentially and im constantly tense and stressed and just exhausted. physically too...i think emotional stress just somehow drains my body, that or im sick. idk i hope i'm not :/ and the stress gives me awful symptoms too which terrify me even more. last night for example...not a nice evening. well i returned from a short intern day (yet i was still so stressed and exhausted and sick from it...its so pathetic) and i came home to have dinner with my parents. but we started discussing other things and everyone was upset, i was upset. i feel like i bring out the 'bad' in everyone else, the anger, the sadness, the negativity. and then my dad was going to drive me home and i felt badly since he was like coughing so much, he has a cough i guess but i just felt horrible. and was upset about the arguing and stressed since i had a lot of work to do for the internship and i'm not someone who deals with that well. i know there will always be work, and lists, and to-dos...but i just imagine all of the things i have to do and if i can't tackle it, or at least sort of schedule things i can't sleep or anything until it's done.

but enough about that. actually, first...how do you deal with stress? and all the above?
i need some tips as i'm evidently not doing well.

there is a chapter in a book i mentioned a while ago, "don't sweat the small stuff" (and its all small stuff...titled "when you die, your inbox will never be empty". and it's something i should begin to learn, or accept really. i feel like i need to be completing things and if something is still left undone i cannot stop stressing. which makes it difficult, and then im always waiting to be done with something, and never enjoying the present. and i tend to treat everything as work, negative, unpleasant that i need to "get through fast".

the amazingly lovely emily + also the beauty rhiannon tagged me though with this versatile award. though i doubt my blog is versatile. it was fun to find seven things though...

ahhh i love awards :)

Here are 7 things you probably didn't know about me:

one. when i was about three, i used to eat insects. seriously, little ants on the ground. i would be sitting on the patio at my cottage and would see the "baby ants" as i called them. but they're not babies in reality, just small ones. and i'd squish them! and then put them in my mouth. so odd, as now im freaky about germs, and hate killing things. honestly i would cry probably.

two. i learned to ride a two-wheeler sans training wheels when i was three. my brother, seven at the time, was learning and i guess i though, bahh i can do this. so i did. idk if that's impressive or not but i think that most people learn a bit later. or not, is that early to learn? aha maybe you all learned earlier. i was an adventurous kid, my dad was proud. now...well not so much but i'll try soon.

three. similarly to the above (i see a trend, these are all when i was little) i climbed up our old tv tower thing at our cottage when i was three. apparently i disappeared and my family was calling for me, then spotted me wayyy up at the top of the tower. and i didn't really understand the danger. so they sort of coaxed me down but i was just smiling. aha we have a photo of that. but i loved climbing and was in gymnastics, but eventually when i was ten i had to give that up because i was also swimming, and between all the meets and what not it was just too busy, so i chose swimming :) actually part of the reason was because my parents thought that swimming was something i could continue when i was older, whereas with gymnastics its more difficult, the flexibility and strain on your body and what not...well i think i'd have to stop at some point. but with swimming i guess i can do it in my nineties :P

four. i love family guy. i initially saw it and just didn't understand it...and then i realised that you don't have to. i guess i found it just insulting. but then i watched it a few more times and i love it, i end up laughing at everything, i don't know why. but i do find it a bit too much, especially when they pick fun at certain things, it's just too mean :/ but really i just love stewie. ahh i think he's so cute, more so when he's just being a baby. i know his voice is odd and he can be rude, but he's ahhh i can't explain. when he just walks around and his feet go pitter-patter and just some moments when he acts like a baby, :P cute. like this one. my favourite thing i've seen is the one where he and brian (dog) get locked in the bank. and i know that most of it is just gross, the poo thing. but the ending is precious. and i was scared that they would ruin it by adding something rude, which is what normally happens after a truly sweet moment on the show. but they didnt :)

five. i love to read, and i know that's nothing new. but i've read before bed, each night, for like almost three years. maybe less, but i feel like i have to, and that something bad will happen if i don't :P but honestly i just need to read something before i try to get to sleep, a novel though not like a magazine/paper, etc.

six. im sorry if these are boring, it's really hard! hmmmm...oh i have a tiny section of my hair that is blond, like white blond. but the rest is a darker brown, and i've had it since birth i guess :P it's sort of underneath a few layers so you don't see it unless my hair is half up, but i used to feel special with it, and i'd go to the hair dresser and they'd notice it and i'd smile :P

seven. i love to act, and would ultimately love to act in films. i love films, and it's been my dream for a while. i know that i won't be happy unless i can do this. but im soooo shy, especially when i first meet people and with non-family members. so people don't really understand when i tell them that i want to work in the film industry :P in grade ten, i had switched schools and was in the senior drama play "twelve angry women" (take off of 'twelve angry men'...i went to an all-girls, feminist, etc :P school aha, not that it's a bad thing) and my character, juror #3 was loud, bitter, opposing everyone. and most people were like whaaat? since i was so shy i guess, and my character was the opposite. i loved playing that role though, and i think it's been my favourite. but of course my one grandmother (well the only grandparent i have left) was like, "wasn't she just playing herself"...aha ouch :/

i keep seeing that more people have been tagged. if you want to do a post on this then do it :) i tag everyoooone. or just tell me a few random things about yourselves :P this was hard though, for me at least!

well, they came to test the alarms. :) throughout the day (ohh like just now, my ears :/) they are testing it in all the apartments, so theres this sudden, sharp, loud screeching. and i can't prepare for it and its sort of funny but this morning each time it happened my entire body was like slkdjflksjdf;a.lfjskdljf!!! and my heart started a delayed palpitation thing baha. then like a few seconds later it did it again. and then again, so on...

i hope you had a lovely weekend and nice start to the week, and hopefully most of you are finished with school/work soon for the holidays :) im watching this youtube episode of arthur (i promise i don't watch it all the time but i needed something to escape too, and someone has uploaded recent episodes)...and its about blogging...muffy has a blog, and people get bored of it and are like "you can't just blog about your salad for lunch...no one wants to read that" and that her blog needs to have an angle. and she starts to blog about real things, like her fights with francine, and then people get upset because she starts posting about private things. it sort of directly related to me, and i laughed a bit. i didn't even realise it until i was posting on here, and hearing it at the same time. here is the link :P

lots of love

jen

trying to 'un-learn'

2011-12-10T15:00:00.002-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

why, hello there :) happy saturday to you...is it cold where you are? its cold here. i was out early (ish) this morning for a little run, and it was awful :P ahhh i was cursing mother nature each time a huge gust of bitter wind was thrown my way. but it was my choice to go out. well, partly, i felt like i had to. but im glad i did. after getting ready i had breakfast, and then sipped my coffee for a bit while reading harry potter & sitting next to my mom. she was reading "a tree grows in brooklyn", which she highly recommends. so i will probably read that soon. im just visiting home for a day or so. its nice to see my cat :) ahhh i love her she's so freaking cute :P

"banana-pb&chocolate-chip-oats"

plain instant oats with a banana, chopped almonds & cinnamon;
topped with part of a crumbled pb+chocolate larabar, shredded wheat bites and soymilk :)

ive only had chocolate of some sort once perhaps on oats, and its not really my thing, its a bit early for that + i dont want to feel sick :/ but this was just a little. i felt weird naming the oats chocolate, i'd rather say oatmeal with cinnamon, banana, almonds, with shredded wheat, crumbled larabar + soymilk. i just feel the need to explain that, idk i just feel weird putting something so "dessert" on my breakfast.

****************************************************

something came to my attention, very strongly, almost in an itching way after reading emily's last post. i need to write something down, comment on hers, explain something or i would go crazy. it was a really weird feeling. maybe that's what writers feel like? i now understand that strong necessity to release something like words, which i've never before experienced. of course i have experienced it with emotion, and speaking aloud. but not writing. and i know i seem to be copying every inch of everyone in the blog world, which i honestly am not trying to do. i just feel like we (and many people in the blog world, especially these types of blogs) have so much in common. it's quite scary actually, but basically just strange, to read someone's entry and think. oh. my. god. that is me, i could have written that, i feel that...and maybe this is why i should be blogging. to figure out these thoughts, but also to try to connect to someone, to help someone. i never thought i would be doing this. i first started a blog because i had read two blogs in particular, and felt like i understood these girls, and i wanted to meet them. odd, yes. but i do that. throughout my life i often meet people and think, i want to be friends with them. and somehow i try to connect with them and make it work. is that weird? i find that it might sound creepy. but i think its just like trying to 'choose your friends'. anyway, often im wrong. and we end up drifting apart, or i don't really connect with them or the feeling doesn't end up being mutual. and then of course there are the friends that you become acquainted with almost by accident, and that's great as well.

but the point of this was, i do feel a bit lost and completely uncertain about my future. i used to have a plan, i always had a dream of what i wanted to do and i still do. but getting there seems impossible. i feel like i've come to terms with reality, and it's a bit ugly. it's not so simple anymore. from far away (or from a younger age, thirteen lets say) things seem so much more possible because there is such distance. the things i worried about then, i though, oh well when im older (say twenty..) i won't care, i'll be grown up and i'll be fine. that never happened. i only got worse, and the anxiety is stronger, the fears greater. but even when i challenge myself, do things that i don't want to do...well it's forced, right? i feel like i will never be who i used to be, now that i've experienced this sort of thing, developed these habits and thoughts and fears. it's like that saying, 'knowledge is power'. i don't think you ever lose it, so how can i possibly be happy? just forget everything? just tell myself i don't care, i'm not scared, i want to move on? i can't do it. i hate to be pathetic but it's true. and honestly i don't necessarily want to. i mean, i don't want to live in misery, but changing everything seems more daunting, and when nothing is certain, im scared to just take those risks in case nothing ends up improving. now that i've experienced these issues, disorders, thoughts, well this knowledge stays with me. it's like i have to "un-learn" everything in order to start new. but that means forgetting the past, and some of the memories were good. and i think that my issues, although not pleasant to go through, are a sort of control that i am so used to, that letting go is just like letting a part of me go. if i feel lost now, how lost will i feel then?

im sorry, i just had to say that. i feel like a fake. i mean, why am i writing this? why am i not doing anything? it's pathetic. and yet, im not where i want to be and i still look at myself and see such a need, a desire, for improvement. no matter what. and i don't think that will ever change. maybe i'm stubborn, but i just can't trust that things are going to be okay if i change, when i do make certain changes under someone else's guidance, and i get nothing...

im sorry that was endless. i always say too much, i write for too long, i over think. i've been told that on several occasions. "jen you over-analyse, chill out, you think too much, etc". well i'd rather do that than under-think, under-analyse, not think enough. i'm an emotional person i guess, and im really sensitive, and...yea, i think. a lot. maybe thats why i struggle with issues like anxiety, fears, eating...trying to control things?

last night while laying in bed i could not stop thinking about this. and just about my past in general, and of mental/emotional illnesses, something which i never understood when i was younger. i, like many people, looked down upon it, and thought that it referred to crazy people, and honestly the topic made me so uneasy. it scared me. the thing is that i hate to put labels on things, and i never like to say that i suffer from such-and-such, because its like im using it as a crutch, and i dont want it to define me. plus, im embarrassed. not so much on here (although i am scared to publish this post, i always doubt myself & don't know if i'm saying "too much")...but in real life. i guess i feel like an eating disorder is more "accepted" than something like anxiety, depression, ocd (i'm not saying that i suffer from all of these things. i'm not saying that i don't). but i used to judge people, because i just didn't know any better. i was ignorant. i am ignorant. i hate that mental illnesses have such a negative stigma attached to them. but its because people just don't understand. and i hate that i'm ignorant or judgmental toward similar issues & struggles because it's just so unfair for those going through that hell. so in a sense maybe i'm glad that, because i 've sort of experienced some of these more first hand, i've become more aware, more understanding, and less ignorant.

wow. what a lovely topic for a saturday afternoon ;( im sorry. actually, im not. i need to stop doing that. because no one is forcing me to share my opinions, to write, to blog. i put this upon myself. i am my own enemy, and i am the one that hurts myself. no one else can be blamed for my struggles. i have so many thoughts crammed in my mind that it's hard to concentrate sometimes, so i need to get them out. i just feel like i can never express them well, like other bloggers, and i need to stop comparing myself to others, i need to stop wishing my life were different, that i was better, prettier, smarter, more intelligent, more articulate, thinner, thinner, thinner...healthier, more liked & loved, normal. because, in my eyes, i never will be. i keep thinking if i just change...work harder, then i will be happier. happy. but it never happens. i have these dreams in my head that are not obtainable. i think that's why i suffer from these "illnesses" (though, like i said, i hate to say that, because many people feel like that's cheating, that's a crutch). but im not excusing myself because of them, im merely using the labels to explain my behaviour at times. i will take the blame, and i end up dealing with the consequences. but i always want to be something else because i don't like who i am. and i don't know how to change that, i don't want to accept something that i'm not truly happy with, and proud of.

*************************************************************************************

on a more positive note, i just baked a few things :) you see, i usually make a treat for my mom, dad & brother, an individual goodie to go along with their store-bought present. so today i made snickerdoodles for my dad, peanut butter cups for my brother...and next time i will make almond-raisin biscotti for my mom. but shhhhhh...don't tell them ;P

lots of love

jen

xox

oatmeal to warm the soul

2011-12-07T13:46:00.006-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

this morning i awoke to frost outside, covering the cars, trees, and on the ground as i noticed on my little run :) i enjoyed a lovely breakfast after getting ready. and afterward some coffee while doing some work

plain oats with cinnamon&ginger, cooked with 1/2 banana, a small juicy prune, almonds
and topped with a touch of crystallized ginger, organic multigrain wheat squares and milk :)

how incredible is this melange?
i guess my breakfast today would be closest to the banana nut on the right ;)

maybe this can serve as my inspiration for oatmeal mornings to come :) the coffee cake looks yum, but i think it would be too sweet unless it was simply a crumbled ww muffin on top perhaps? otherwise, i might try to recreate something like the berry one or the pb+j (j for jam, we don't have jelly here except like odd stuff, and i don't like jelly, natural jams though are lovely); of course the blueberry one could be nice when they're in season. so i guess, july.

i finished off my prunes today; i bought this so long ago and they were lovely and juicy and fresh
kept in the fridge. i think it was my first prune package ever. i'd like to get them again :)
the last was used in my breakfast today, as mentioned above.

i've been attempting to post more often, and so far i've surpassed last months i think :P it's good for me to do this i think, and i do like to write. not always about myself, but oh well. i'm not sure what to write about, and i can't just talk about my day, as it's rarely good/exciting and part of it is work. which i can't really talk about, more for privacy/confidential reasons and what not. and im not really recovering i don't think, i feel odd posting about that. it's like i don't have a purpose and i'm not a good influence :P so why do i have a blog? oh i don't know :/ i started one because i had read so many lovely blogs, largely on ed recovery and also because i love breakfast, and people focused on lovely oats and cereal. but i've never shared much about my own struggles i guess. should i do that? i feel like i'll be judged, one way or another. but if i don't then i don't think i should be posting, you know? please be honest: is this blog pointless?

anyway, enough about that! gosh, negative nancy should be my nickname i think.

a breakfast from earlier this week at my house :)

plain instant Quaker oats, sliced banana, roasted almonds (not my favourite, i like the raw/natural best)
topped with shredded wheat, milk & a smidgen of pb+co cinnamon raisin swirl. made without cinnamon or ginger as i was out ;( however the oats looked a bit more photogenic since they were lighter in colour

ohhh guess what???

okay, well i am getting a camera! actually. i might have it now. my dad is picking it up for me and he told me yesterday that he went to a local store with my mom, just researching some for me! sweet man :) but i was sort of choosing between a specific SLR, cannon or nikon. and the nikon was slightly cheaper, and i'm a bit more familiar with it as my dad has one and i loved to use it when he wasn't looking. i kid, he always looks. he's a bit over protective of his things, however i don't blame him as those things are expensive! i hope it will be a good purchase though, i was talking to him yesterday as he picked me up from work (not a typical thing btw but i was eating dinner at home and he offered to do so!) because i was freaking out about the cost, and i said...its a camera for life right? and he said, perhaps. but i will take such good care of it. im scared to take it out. maybe i'll keep my little digital for that. once i get batteries. its just that it eats them up in like three shots no joke :/

so i left you with some positive news i hope. unless something goes wrong. maybe i shouldn't have said anything. i'm sort of superstitious like that, and lately quite unlucky and negative. but i just need to arrange a one hour free (well, free when you pay for the camera of course :P) lesson with a girl at the store, and then i can begin to learn :)
im so excited!

i would love to hear about oatmeal recipes :) i might have asked this already but im doing it again. i love love love hearing about new ideas, and i love hearing from you. honestly it just makes me smile :) most of the time, anyway. i hope you're all doing well & moving along, keep going and stay positive. lots of love to you all.

xox

love jen

one cold saturday in december...

2011-12-03T13:42:00.005-05:00

hey lovelies :)

happy saturday, happy december third :)

this morning's breakfast was "banana-almond-oats" :)

plain Quaker quickoats microwaved with most of a very ripe banana, cinnamon&ginger,
raw natural almonds, topped with a few tbsp organic multigrain squares + a touch of skim milk

this is not mine, however it resembles it slightly...

because i don't have a camera with me at the moment, i will resort to using my old photos or ones that i find, occasionally (though i might get some hate if the photographer sees them, i always credit though!) and when i go home i can use my dad's nice camera, or find some batteries for my own little thing :P i hope that's okay, and that it will suffice...for now anyway. photography is something that i love and i want to continue taking a variety of photos and improve my (lack of) skill..

anyway, i was able to watch a bit of something fun before my run. i was raised with the notion that daytime tv was bad. even on the weekend, we never really were allowed to watch "cartoons" and what not. if it was a rainy day even...well sometimes we could see a film, but were encouraged to at least go out to see one, otherwise do something else, like reading. that's okay because i love to read. my brother doesn't really though, and only likes non-fiction things that he's interested in. honestly, just a few weeks ago he said he finished a book, and it's been years since he's read through one :P i didn't understand, i just don't see how he can live like that. the first two harry potter books that i now own, well they were his. his name is written in the top of the opened cover, and my grandmother had given them to him (she alwyas gave us books, along with money and what not, for christmas and birthdays) but he never finished, he didn't like the series :O thankfully, i came upon them after they were popular for a while, and enjoyed them. i came back a few years later to start reading the rest and loved them. and a year or so ago i decided to re-read them...and now i can't live without them...but the point of this huge paragraph, was that arthur was on tvo kids (a kids branch of the canadian network TVO) and i love arthur :P its on at like 8am on weekdays and 8:30 on weekends, and then 4 or something in the afternoon. well i keep missing it, and today i was able to catch a bit of it before leaving. honestly, best cartoon ever. that and family guy. i know they're polar opposites. i like the style of animation, it's basic but colourful. and it reminds me of family guy a bit.

tvo kids was something that i used to watch, for a while when i was younger i only watched it on friday afternoon and evenings, again we weren't allowed much tv. and i'd watch a few shows in a row. and when i started swimming more competitively my brother would tape them for me :P i still have one vhs of a few ytv and tvokids shows like arthur, magic school bus + my little planet...did that ever air where you are? i remember the theme song...

"cou-cou, cou-cou, cou-cou here i am? but you cannot, cannot, see me...cou-cou, cou-cou, cou-cou, look my way, listen to what i have to say: all of the stars in the sky, our planet is flying by..."

...and so on. :P too bad you can't hear the tune though, i should have included it below in my video, since my voice is so incredible. not.

i can't seem to find a clip on youtube, i guess its canadian. explains why it's not known. people think we're some odd foreign planet, well many americans do anyway :P "oh, yes. i'd love to come to canadaahhh". i don't mean that in a rude way, don't worry. i am probably ignorant when it comes to american terms and other nations in the world. i try not to be though...but its funny how often i hear people say (like americans who live close ish to me) how they want to come to canada, and they don't say a city or province, referring to the entire country even though we're like...right there. i think it would be weird if i said, "oh i want to come to america to visit"...since im close, i try to say a city or a state. anyway, i think im getting into a hole here, i hope you don't think im a bitch. but, im just sad i can't find that clip :/ it's a cute song. maybe this will do:

well that's all i have to say...:P i hope you're all enjoying the start to your weekends, and enjoying breakfast :) and what not. i need new breakfast ideas i think. i feel like mine lack the inspiration like those i see on your lovely blogs. see you soon :)

xox

love jen <3

december and regrets

2011-12-01T22:00:00.006-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

*odd opening statement, but i have said that 'greeting' since...i think the beginning? and i feel like i have to. i know its repetitive but now i can't stop :p and its so forced often and i feel like it sounds so dumb. so if you were wondering why i write it each time, well that's why :) i sort of wish i had stuck with something different, i didn't realise how silly it would sound after a while.

***********
this morning's breakfast was "raisin-almond-ginger" oats :)...

plain oats cooked with cinnamon&ginger + 1/2 banana, almonds, tbsp org large golden raisins, and topped w crystallized ginger, a few tbsp org multigrain wheat squares + skim milk.

i first went for a little run, after having lots of water + a banana. i eat too many bananas i think :/ it was cold though, and i feel like i look dumb, i was tired though, i feel like i cant run anymore. but i used to go later in the day after a bigger bfast, so now i like to do it earlier and before my bfast (and then i can enjoy it!), but i need something so i have a full banana, i know some people go on an empty stomach but yea i need something :P...and i don't go for long honestly its a bit pathetic, oh well. im okay with that i think. going later just makes me waste the day, so this way i feel more productive. don't worry though i have a proper breakfast + its usually my only exercise of that day.

i cannot believe it is december, it just seems like fall was rushed...and now i know all of a sudden it will be the new year, and then a few months of extreme coldness. and then summer :/ but im really going to try to be in the moment, and try to enjoy things so that when the time passes, im not regretting not doing/doing something. i have an issue with regret. its sort of sad, i mean i feel like i regret everything. from choosing one food over another, to spending too much time on something, not enough on another. sometimes its so pathetic though like regretting something that really shouldn't matter. and then i don't enjoy it, or i spend time beating myself up...its like that could-a, should-a...whats the saying? pretty much that you shouldn't keep saying, i could have, i should have...i need to take that advice anyway :P i don't think that last sentence made any sense but i understood myself, so that's good :P

does anyone else have that regret issue? its really annoying. and i doubt nearly every aspect of my life. and rely on either what i believe, or someone else...so when it's challenged i get so paranoid and anxious? i think it has to do with anxiety, and fears. and i get into a routine and control things, and then when they change, well i get a bit anxious. i think its all related, like the doubting and anxiety and control.

steel cut oats (bobs red mill organic) in water, cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 banana, tbsp each raw walnuts
+ natures path organic flax-raisin-pumpkin crunch

i made these again :) slightly less chewy but i wasn't happy...i even had them on much lower? im not sure what i'm doing wrong. photo was from a morning at my family home last week i believe.

i actually spent a few days there (sunday and monday i guess) even though my parents were away, just because i was doing this work/internship thing and wanted to leave from home, not have to be washing dishes in the morning and when i got back (my apartment doesn't have one, at home we do though)...that sounds trivial but honestly it takes me so long and it was nice to come back and put things in the dishwasher, and cook something that took a bit longer. one of the nights my brother came :) it was nice, i made him quinoa (bob's red millllll) along with sweet corn, and we had sliced turkey. it was in a package, that new (ish) natural selections from maple leaf. bahh wait i think that might be a canadian company, but its made with few preservatives, for a packaged meat anyway. it tastes nice :) he kept saying, 'ohhh we're having quinoaa' (emphasis on the last syllable...kenwaaaaa) and i was like wtf why are you saying that :P oh funny story, well i was visiting a friend like over a year ago (im social as you can tell...) at her apartment in uni, and she had a little note on the fridge explaining the benefits of quinoa. and it said, "say kee-nwa", and i had no idea that was how it was pronounced. at the time i had never tried it but wanted to, and thought you pronounced it "kwenoa" or something. so i was so excited and said, ohh is it good, i want to try it! and she hadn't even had it. baha. and a few weeks ago my mom mentioned that my friends mom (her parents are friends with my parents) was getting her a cookbook filled with recipes made with quinoa. so i hope she's tried it by now, otherwise she just has a huge book of recipes to make with it.

there was supposed to be a video here. even though i know i'd regret it i made one, and it was long, i kept talking. i guess i had a lot to say (about nothing :p) but seriously, and i've tried to upload it many times, tooo many actually. maybe another time :/ i just wanted you to have a bit of a break in between all of these words. gahhh

i rarely have meat now, and its not just because i don't want to (often i don't want a lot of meat or prefer chicken/turkey...though i do like to have pasta sometimes when im back home with a tomato and meat sauce, because my mom makes it with a lower meat ratio, more tomatoes :P she's always done that. i also love the meatloaf recipe we've used for years. again, its not so much a meat loaf as a ...loaf? aha it is made with other ingredients and breadcrumbs and it just tastes sweet and nice, very flavourful. often meatloaf is actually like...well meat. and its much too dense. anyway...im rambling :/ the thing is, i don't have meat often, but i also don't have enough protein from other sources. so i enjoyed having that turkey :) i know i'm not getting enough of certain nutrients, and my iron and protein is low i'm sure. i just also get a bit freaky with cooking meat on my own, like i might mess up and get sick/get other people sick. i like salmon though, fresh i mean. and canned tuna, i just like the plain ones in water, solid albacore i think it is :P i wish i could find some that have the built-in openers...so i don't have to use a can opener :P they usually come in large sizes too and sometimes i see little tiny tuna's, like personal cans. so i should pick some up if i ever see them :) ...things like nuts and nut butters, cottage cheese. i have those but its not enough, i'd have to have tons of it to get the same protein as other sources. so i guess i have to choose, either have massive amounts of those high-fiber sources (which would kill me, and my stomach/intestines/etc...tmi) or branch out more and start having more meat. i know there are other sources, but i'm not limiting my intake of meat because i want to be veg, or for animal-rights, etc. reasons. what do you like to eat as far as protein goes? i need more ideas!

see, i feel like i have to have a grain with dinner. well dinner is always the big thing, where i feel im lacking in protein, but its a difficult meal to put together, finding the right things. i just have memories of dinner being this important meal. and i feel like i have to have a grain, veggie, protein. and its usually a grain (brown rice or ww quinoa, honestly i have that nearly every night)...or sometimes ww couscous but i thought perhaps a gluten free grain might be easier, since i have a lot of ibs issues. buts its like this routine now, i feel like i have to hav a grain. when i eat somewhere else, usually just at home as i don't go out to eat much, its not always like that. we might have something like pasta (rarely) or a potato (sweet or white, etc) as the 'starch' or whatever. but its very often brown rice or quinoa (along with salmon or chicken) since my mom often asks me what i would like. and she wants to make sure i'm eating enough, and i feel so awful like its catered to me. and my family doesn't really want to eat what i eat. i don't blame them i guess. but idk i sort of like what i eat. i guess its boring for some people. but im in a rut i guess and am scared to branch out for dinner especially.

and its just...i feel like i have so much to think about. when honestly its...food. sorry if this is triggering, i mean i'd understand if it was (and im so sorry if this is, honestly), thats my problem i get so caught up with other people and their concerns, and then they become mine. like the sugar thing, so i thikn about fat, cals sugar. and fiber for some reason, im like worried i will get too much and i hardly have veggies. even though im liely getting a lot from grains. i just have stomach/bowel issues, really tmi but i just worry about that...and honestly when i first started having issues with food, a long long long time ago :P well i just thought about fat. i didn't know about anything else and it didn't matter so much what was in it, sugar, salt, etc. just the fat. and i ate non whole wheat things sometimes, like bagels. i hear thats a huge fear food for people but i ate white bagels but freaked out about fat. and i remember my mom bought one that was like 1.5 instead of the 1.2 g per bagel and i nearly had a heart attack. ugh. i feel awful now. but i knew i couldn't round it down to one. so it would have to be two grams in my head. now that wouldn't bother me at all. i mean the white part perhaps...but like half a gram of fat? i guess i started worrying about other things and not so much the bit of fat in a white bagel :P

its just so exhausting, these aspects of food that consume us. the thing is i can't say, oh i should just not worry. because i need to be looking into it to make sure i'm eating the right things. so i know that, even putting my controlling thoughts, restrictions, etc obsessiveness aside...it's actually a good thing to be aware of this. but i never know what's enough. its like everything in my life that i've become concerned with "beyond the norm"...so food, weight, and other fears (like anxiety, the germ thing, sickness, whatever)...it's become too much. just too much of an obsession. so now im scared that i can't look at anything in a 'normal' way, or a rational way. and that i'll never be normal in a sense.

im not sure if anything in that last paragraph made any sense...i have so much trouble putting it into words (either explaining in person or writing it down)...but im wondering if anyone can relate i guess.

i'm sorry this was just a huge post of me asking for ideas, rambling about meat, etc. i didn't realise i had so much to say (write) on the subject :P and the video is long, and the post is long...im really sorry! i hope you're all doing okay, the holidays are coming!

xoxox

lots of love

jen

remembering...

2011-11-22T16:06:00.000-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

how are you beauties today :) its a bit chilly. actually, yesterday that was a bit of an understatement. i know its november, but its a bit shocking when it drops 15 degrees (celcius) day to day. however. much better than the heat, so i cannot complain, no i cannot :P

this morning's breakfast was pretty yum, a cold cereal mix. i used the last of my shredded wheat bites, along with plain cheerios, with 1/2 banana, tbsp almonds, dried cranberries, + skim milk. and sprinkled with cinnamon&ginger of course :)...with blackcoffee beforehand.

i was out for a short break/walk today (from work/intern stuff from my place, applications, nothing exciting really...i lead a boring life). i made it brisk as the wind was a bit harsh. i enjoyed some hot peppermint tea though, shortly after my return.

mine was actually a bigelow 'mint medley' (which is nice), but my heart still lies with this lovely company...i usually have the sleepytime, chamomile and peppermint in my cupboards. i have not found the holiday ones in canada...like the sugar cookie one or the gingerbread as shown here. hmm, does anyone wanna do a swap or something? that, or you could just send me some. :P teheee i kid.

i tried to calm down/de-stress (impossible) with breathing, stretching, yoga moves idk. im impatient. because i know the value of yoga but rarely take the time to do it properly. its a bad cycle, really :/

last evening, my brother put on this old dvd family video to show his girlfriend. she's nice though :P but anyway, i love watching those and i'm sure i've mentioned it a bit on here. but it was one largely composed of our music practicing, so just repeats of myself at the piano age 8 i think. or 9 but i feel like it was eight. i just feel sad looking at it, because i worked hard, i was determined, and carefree. i know i had a lot of worries, and ive always been an anxious child. but i just look at it and wonder 'what was she thinking at that moment'...and then i feel the need to apologize. to apologize to this girl, and warn her about the years ahead. "im so sorry, but you might have a bit of trouble coming your way in a few years"...i hate this, i feel like i've done something to her. even though she's me. i don't think she deserved to feel this way, and to experience pain, but i guess everyone does right? i mean childhood is often not nice. i was blessed with a family, comfort, a functioning mind and body. and my childhood, all-round (despite my own issues) was rather nice. i feel like i have trouble growing up, grasping that fact. dealing with my responsibilities in a positive, and not negative or destructive, manner. does this make sense? i hope im not just crazy. or worse...irresponsible, not prepared for life, unrealistic? that would be worse i think.

i was going to post a video. but then after recording...well, hm i'll leave it for another time. i've posted way too many, and i feel a bit odd about it. plus it was confusing, perhaps a bit too honest. i will leave you with a photo, just to say hello :P....

tada! first time trying this little thing :)

i thought it was like a luna...but then the vanilla flavour and texture was like a rice crispie...healthier maybe? idk it was with all organic and brown rice, gluten free, only a few ingredients. plus the inside of the box is filled with facts on wildlife and part of the sales go toward a related organization :) but it was a bit expensive.

im off to continue doing...things, ugh. i hope you are having a nice start to the week, and had lovely weekends.

xoxoxoxox

love you all like pb&nananananer

an update of the sort...

2011-11-19T17:30:00.002-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

today will be quick...a little post. im feeling just, not so motivated. but i wanted to try something new. so i've explained thing in a little video, which makes little sense, and is boring, the usual :/

today is saturday :) tomorrow is sunday :) i ran today, did some work, organized and cleaned...my brother is away up north with my dad for the day. and i feel like i haven't done anything. i feel UN-accomplished (is that a word? probably not.) no matter what i do, i feel like im wasting time, wasting my day and my life. like im getting no where...

phewf. so that's that. i spend so so sooo much time today trying to fix the layout of this blog. and of like tumblr and everything, too long and i feel gross every time i realise how much time i wasted on things that do not really matter. in the grand scheme of things i mean. and it still looks awful. i want to center my header...and maybe change it since its not quite a header, more like an image. i don't know how to do that. and the colours and background and everything, i can't make it 'work' and its irritating me so much. but every time i try to fix it things get worse. so then i just get pissed off because i feel like im failing at everything. ugslkdfjsj. and honestly these things don't matter though do they? to me they do, the little things, it means a lot to me. and can sort of dictate the way my day goes, sometimes. but yes if anyone knows how to change those things please let me know

i hope you're all doing okay, and please let me know! i would love to hear from you all, you have no idea. its the simple things that please me, and make me happy :) i'm not sure where to go from here...

xoxoxox

love you like banana&oatmeal

wednesday, fall, november, baking, stuck...

2011-11-09T11:27:00.003-05:00

hey lovelies :):)

breakfast was yummy, described below :) i promise i will get back into taking photos a bit more regularly

i made another video :) ahhhh. yes. i like doing this, even if you don't like watching them :P

when i was at home recently (as i normally just bake there, so i can use the dishwasher & not have to wash everything like in my apartment) i made a few things with wheat germ :) i don't typically have it on cereal like i used to, though i'd like to get back into that. but i looove wheat germ and its nice in cookies & muffins. anne lindsay has a few cookbooks and i grew up eating many healthy recipes that my mom made from the books that we own. there is one for "wheat germ raisin muffins"...and i think you should make it :P unless you don't like wheat germ:

1 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup wheat germ (i used bob's red mill...he's my lover)
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups milk
1 egg; beaten

In bowl, combine flour, wheat germ, sugar, baking powder
and salt; stir in raisins. Combine off, milk and egg;
pour into flour mixture and stir
just until combined. Spoon into nonstick or paper lined muffin
tins, filling each three-quarters full.
Bake in 375 F oven for 18 to 20 minutes or
until firm to the touch.

***************

this is a photo of the wheat-germ-ww-raisin-chocolate-walnut...cookies.
the recipe called for dried cranberries & semi-sweet chocolate chips, along with walnuts.
but i used large thompson raisins for the dried fruit, and i tried a bit! i think dark chocolate pairs nicely with wheat germ.

i've been re-reading, for the i have no idea number of times, the harry potter series when im home. sine i have to be reading something at all times...i need to read before bed & make sure i always have a book on hand. its sad how many times i've read these...

i just realised that, if i lived in the society in 'the giver', i would have been released. i'd be likely...labelled inadequate. if you haven't read it, well this will be very confusing, and maybe i just think too much. but by the way please read it as it's quite good :) its sort of sad, the rosemary character, who was given memories of loneliness...she was shocked, and didn't know that feelings like that existed. and asked for her own release...i think she was sad, depressed perhaps. and that type of society didn't understand any of that. it just shows that, what we might wish for, a perfect society, everything in place, 'safety' and feelings of 'safe' versus 'fear'...it's not always better. that type of society, although completely fictional i realise and not possible (though its supposed to be far in the future)...it would never work. or if it did, i couldn't even imagine living like that. either you are like the rest of society, and are born just the same, and don't have feelings or memories, you don't know how life would be any other way...or you're different, special and, like jonas, singled out to learn about feelings and have the memories of the past transferred into your mind. you learn how to love and to truly feel for another person. but, because the rest of the society does not have 'feelings', they can't share it with you. im not sure what would be worse, not having feelings, memories, not being able to love someone...or to have all of those but not be able to get it in return.

does that make any sense? sometimes i fear that i just over-analyse things, and that i'll say something to someone (or write something on here) and people will be like...whaaa? i get self-conscious & paranoid that i going crazy or something. because it makes sense in my mind but if it comes out as confusing or jumbled or just weird...then im losing it or something. :P

that's all really, i have had some changes, some new things going on which i guess is good but so far out of my comfort zone. a silly name since im never comfortable and always stressed. but somehow trying to control my environment and life and schedule seems safer...i might talk about it next time though i feel odd sharing too much, as this is public. it has to do with work i guess, life, careers. which is supposed to be exciting. so i just need to figure a few things out and mention it when i'm a bit more relaxed. ugh, idk when that will happen :/ until next time. xoxoxoxox

ohhhh ps ps ps i tried steel cut oats yesterday morning! i made them, i actually did :D and i cooked it for nearly an hour. but i think i had the heat a bit too high throughout, or near the beginning as they were a bit chewy and when i had them in new york they were fluffy. so perhaps i should have it on lower? or maybe not cover it (bob said to cover and simmer...for ten minutes. but he also said that it would be chewier that way...i read it but didn't listen i guess. duhhh jen..) so i will try again, when im at home. and have more time in the morning. but i took a chance, and i tried something new. which is big for me, although that sounds a tad pathetic :P that's all :)

a quick hello...going out on a limb :/

2011-11-03T11:53:00.005-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

how is everyone? i am happy to be posting again, and much sooner than i expected. i heard that many of you had snow on the weekend...we didn't, odd since im a bit further north :P

today for breakfast i had microwaved (which i like) plain oats in water with cinnamon&ginger, almonds, tbsp sunflower/pumpkin seeds, and banana; topped with a bit of shredded wheat bites, ginger-slice and a touch of soymilk

i also went for an earlier run this morning :) it was a bit short though, and i dressed for a colder temperature...so i got a bit warm. but it was okay actually. since i don't have any photos, and i was inspired by the lovely emily, i thought i'd try a video thing...though its quite boring and the quality is...not quite there. im not even sure it will work, and the first time the audio and image were not 'together'...so i tried again today :P and linked the old one. its a private youtube video, i thought that would be the safest, and i think it means that you can only see it if i provide the link or something? i hope you don't hate it, and still want to read this afterward.

here is the messed up audio one

that's all for today...i think i can get my camera this weekend and i'd love to get back to posting eats and what not, especially of breakfast. they are not always photogenic though, and i'm not a pro-photographer or anything :P i hope to get better. and i also hope to get a better camera...but that's a whole other idea.

things are still the same i guess. good and bad. mostly bad...but i'm trying to be positive because that's the only way they will improve. i'll leave you with a question, because this just came to my mind: i am reading this book for the billionth time this past year...'the giver' by lois lowry, i received it from a (still!) very good friend when i turned ten. everyone seemed to be reading it then, it was "all the rage" in my public school. baha, though i think the kids were slightly older. but, in my opinion, i feel like i was way to young to read it. because i'm over ten years older now, and there are so many aspects of the novel that i just didn't 'get' back then, every time i read it i find something new. the whole concept of this 'perfect' and ideal, safe, world that the author comes up with is fascinating. and scary and sad at the same time. and i cannot imagine that it would have made sense back when i first read it. i'm glad i decided to read it again, and now i just read it every now and then when i feel like it. if you haven't read it, i recommend it. very much so.

what are some of your favourite novels?

until next time :) xoxox

falling...

2011-10-30T18:45:00.000-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

how is everyone doing??? yet again i have taken a(n embarrassingly long) while to get things down and published...im not sure if i should apologize (or if i've been at all missed), if so then i really am truly sorry. but i think its better than simply writing down for example a sample week, if it was all negative things. it was just better for me to wait i think. so...because of that, this will be quite long i believe, and its a bit "all over the place" :/ something i must work on: clarity, i guess. i want these posts to look nice a to flow well. the following is simply a mixture of things that have been going on for the past several weeks i guess, and i started the post quite a while ago. (just in case a few things don't quite make sense).

first thing though...(and the best of course :P the most important part of your day)...breakfasttt!!!

"ginger-pear-oatmeal" of the sort...old fashion oats in water with cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 organic pear, topped with a few almonds, tsp pumpkin seeds, crystallized ginger-slice, touch of soymilk :)

i went to new york city a little over a week ago. it was just for a few days, and with my mom. i had never been to the city in the fall (only in winter), so i was looking forward to a new-york-autumn type of trip. it was actually really warm, and maybe a bit behind in terms of seasons, as the leaves were all pretty much green. i met up with the lovely emily (whom i love but more on that later :P).

we met up at MoMa and then we walked in central park for a long, long, loooong time (i was sort of looking for a cafe but i guess there aren't many, but we saw the fancy apartments on the upper west side, which i plan to live in one day :P). it was quite busy and warm and...green i guess. i've only walked through there in the winter, so i wasn't used to the extra traffic (the cyclists aha). i don't think they were either, as many of the tourists were not used to the bike roads, and we were trying to find strawberry fields one of the few (and sort of confusing) park maps and i heard this loud crackkkk...and one of them had fallen on the road just ahead, and they hadn't really moved 5 min later :/ scary. i hope they were okay.

i guess i realised that...you can change the situation, the place (as in, i thought the city would sort of 'change' me) however you really need to change the problem. as in, me. (like the girl interrupted quote). well idk maybe new york is just crazy. i feel so anxious there. the other times i've been, i always felt very sick for most of it. its so odd, i get excited, and then something happens and my anxiety was really high. not for all of it though. and the eating out was a huge deal, just in general not being at home or getting my own drinks, food, even water, and just having things prepared by others. but i don't want to get into that. because im not happy with how i did. or what i did. its sad and sort of repetitive too, and just not something i want to think about now.

before i left, i did some research and most of the places were not at all convenient to walk to. but there are many locations in the city of this wonderful place called le pain quotidien. and we found one on our hotel street (lexington ave..) but very west. oh wait, east? yes. my mom and i walked for a while and finally arrived in this cute area, it was like little paris or something. and normally a tiny place like this would sort of freak me out, like ohh its small, is it clean, blah blah blah. but i was hungry and we had a full day plus i was about to meet a wonderful girlie. so...we went in and it was sort of hot but this location was like a little bakery almost and we sat in the back area, like a closed patio. right near the kitchen. and i ordered the "organic oatmeal with sliced banana, pecans and maple syrup". they were on the side, so it was oats and i put in the banana slices and a tiny bit of the maple syrup (which tasted real! and im canadian so, chyea i know this :P). above there was a "steel cut oatmeal" option and it was just oats i guess, and since the calories are listed i figured the one below was more because of the bananas, nuts, maple. i think that was the case. but i thought mine were just oats. like maybe rolled? but myyy gosh they were chewy and i just could not figure out what type of oats they were, just made in water, but so good. and then i realised it was steel cut oats! first time ever, and i loved them so much. i guess they were listed as another option because you could either get them plain (or with berries) or along with a few additions, which was my choice. anyway my point is that i loved them and i thought i'd fine steel cut oats like too harsh or nutty or what not. and i tried them by accident, and i would love to have them again (i bought bobs red mill ones and im excited, i wasn't sure before as they take so long to cook but whatever).

later that day, after a loooong day my mom and i were sort of passed hunger. and found another location of the same lovely restaurant closer to our hotel, and just got something quick. i picked a "daily-special" which was a cherry-multigrain-ww (something like that, with ground flaxseed and it came with an organic pure cherry jam) scone! it was amazing. i didn't finish it all but it was lovely. i shared some with my mom, and she picked an apple-cheese thingie, but it seemed sort of tiny in comparison with my scone. along with a chamomile tea, which came in an interesting way. ohh i forgot to say that we had coffee with our breakfast, and it was listed as "pot of coffee" but all the mugs are like bowls, you know the ones with no handles, and this was a little porcelain-like pot, like a cute tea pot which had very good coffee in it. often i find that chains or restaurants (not coffee shops) don't serve good coffee and its weak but this was really good :)

ahhh so much to say/write but im boring everyone, i didn't think it would take this long. i also went to the MoMa and a few other places (and we saw 'mary poppins'..), but i don't want this post to be a "trip-recap" or anything. i just wanted to mention highlights. which would include the day i met emily :) i can't believe that i don't already know her. well i feel as though i do. and i wish we lived close, i find it extremely unfair that the people i tend to connect with so much are far away ;( after walking around central park and part of the city, i found whole foooods. well actually emily knew of one located near by and she was lovely and let me drag her around the store looking for mini lara/luna/clif bars...no such luck ;( but i got a few other things. and by the way, if you've read her blog:) she is such a wonderful and sweet and gorgeous (even more in person) girl, soo intelligent, and i wish i lived right near her so i could see her much more often. and make weekly manhattan excursions. it will happen though, sometime very soon :)

i was so scared to post this...because i look disgusting...but i had to for emily, since she's gorgeous and i like the colours :)
**********************************

i might be posting this much later than when i wrote this bit...but i had oat bran once again not too long ago at my cottage. so so so happy :) i made it for my family, and i missed it too much. my local stores carried quite a few bob's red mill products but not his oat bran, and i always preferred it over other ones, as the package was a bit smaller and easier to store/freeze/etc. and i found it at another store not too long ago and was so happy. but this one was just quaker oat bran. but it was so lovely and i am excited to have it more often, as i have the bob's one at my apartment. i love his products, i have quite a few :P

this photo was from over a year ago, when i was away at school but eating this type of oat cereal much more often. i hope i can keep doing that :)

i'm trying to sort out my stomach issues. i know partially its anxiety, like extreme. so there are possible options for that and i've suffered for a while. if its food, im trying to see that as well. i think having this along with eating issues...im not sure i mean it makes it harder i think. perhaps the stomach issues are partially caused by the eating messed up stuff? i know i likely screwed up my system through years of misuse...is that the word? probably not..but anywho, yes yes. yet i've been an anxious child too, and often had some issues when preparing for exams or piano tests or school things, but i used to swim competitively and i would get very nervous but i do not remember this happening. if its that my diet it wonky then im so scared to change things. plus there could be so many variables contributing to it...so when someone says like oh eliminate this or that or whatever, see its so easy! and im like, nooo. i'm hoping some of you get what i mean. but just adding this and subtracting that and wooppeee. it doesn't work like that. so i guess my controlling nature is maybe preventing some relief. but then again i honestly feel like its not that. it has to be extreme anxiety, or illness or food. idk but its helllllll.

do you ever feel that part of your health or mind concerns/issues, are sort of either caused or worsened by your habits, yet you're scared to change those, thus are sort of making things worse? thats a pretty loaded sentence but if that made any sense...i kind of feel like i might do that to myself.

wow, i need to post either more regularly, or just make smaller posts, or just stop. :P should i?? i would also appreciate any questions or examples of what others like to talk about, and write about. so that i can make this much more interesting, since i never know how my posts are going to be taken, you know? its a bit daunting, pressing the publish button. not as much now that i feel like i know a few of you, and i know that you're dealing with some similar issues, and are all very kind. hmm what is your favourite thing to do in autumn? and have you ever been to new york city (if so what is your favourite part/place/component). this was my third time, well in the city i've been in the state a few more times. but i did a lot of things that i didn't do the other times, and i went in another season, so everything looked different :P nooo, jen...really? finally...have you had steel cut oats? (how do you make then, what do you put them with, does it really take that long to make)...

awkward, in the hotel :P
i hope you're all doing well :) and hanging in, or enjoying life, if possible! (which is fully possible i just didn't know who was in a better place at the moment versus who was struggling). i really appreciate your support and love you all, okay? :P just keep moving a long and i promise everything will be okay xox

to be honest

2011-10-01T17:00:00.002-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

*****

oh gosh, well autumn has arrived. it was something i was looking forward to, all summer, all year really. but now that it's here, i can't say that im in a better frame of mind.

i miss you :( i miss blogging, i miss wanting to write things down, i miss reading things from those who aren't around anymore. i miss looking forward to things, anticipation, excitement. i wish i could be inspiring, but the truth is i just haven't been able to even think about writing anything, doing anything really. i don't have any lovely photos, i wish i could show you beautiful breakfast images, and photos of my day, something fun, something which would provide some glimpse into my life or some sort of concrete evidence that i'm actually living...but these don't exist at the moment. i feel like i've really been slipping, on many levels. and i can't seem to go forward at the moment. i'm quite negative. actually it disgusts me...if i were someone else looking at me, well :/ anyway, i should be happy & excited & motivated, im embarking on another stage of my life. but i'm not.

i tend to censor things on here, or make it seem like my issues with eating are the only ones causing me distress, but its not true. yet my other problems, well they're not as common or more embarrassing. these past few weeks my stomach + anxiety (maybe its related...) have been causing me so much trouble both emotionally + physically. but i've kept trying to eat regularly, maybe thats the problem...im not sure. i know i've gone down, lower, lost, whatever. it hasnt come with that much happiness i guess since part of the reason has been my stomach. but i cant deny that i have liked certain aspects of losing. i just want to try to be in control of something. because i feel like im never in control of my life or my stomach and i constantly feel like death and get random severe systems which are unpleasant but make me more terrified. ughhh whatever i do apologize if this is triggering or just too awful to read.

i would love to write here more regularly but i don't think i should allow that if i can't provide images...or if i cannot be more pleasant & positive. those were my own goals or motivations to continue, but when they were not accomplished i realised that i was getting no where. but i miss all of you, and when i realised that no one was reading this, it made me feel like a piece of, nothing. and as self-absorbed & pathetic & attention-seeking that sounds...well yea its true basically. but i just miss connecting with others, and i always feel like i get so happy to meet others, and then realise its not reciprocated. does that make sense? then i get paranoid like maybe im awkward or ugly or no one wants to connect with someone they don't really "know"...like just through blogging and not in real life. but ohh well im excited as im going on a mini vacation, its been a long time aha, to a city where a few girls that i've 'met' and just felt so connected with and everything, live near by and i'd love to be able to meet these people in real life. but i feel like it won't work out or i'll be awkward or something will happen, like idk i will get sick or my mom will, okay i know this sounds so odd but i fear this all the time. and often i get excited for plans and then it just ends up being "too good to be true"...does anyone get this??? i mean its like whyyy can't something actually work out. for once. for fucks sake ugh, sorry :(

but i can't keep going on like this, i know i have some positives, and i actually really love writing. i began leaving out parts because i was paranoid, i've lost a lot of the anonymity on here, so if anyone i knew found it, or potential career/job conflicted...ugh that would be a nightmare. but its like an outlet almost, i mean its not like i feel better or the pain goes away, but it seems like a bit of the weight is lifted off my shoulders. but then blogging is merely a one-way street. im not 'giving' anything im just releasing perhaps, or just venting/complaining. i must reach out and help others more, but i feel like many of the people i used to follow are no longer writing.

well this turned out lovely...:P not a nice post, not a nice update. i just don't know what to do anymore and i don't know why i am anymore, and i feel like i've lost something. control, or security or ...im not sure. the thing is im so structured and a control-freak. that perhaps its good to just let go and be spontaneous. and just take more risks. but that scares me more than anything almost. i feel like what i wrote down is just a collection of random thoughts that makes no sense to anyone but myself :) honestly im so conflicted at the moment, and so many things are on my mind like allllll the time. can't you tell? this post is a confession of the sort, or a spilling of everything, and i know it is very self-absorbed and if it sounds rude, offensive, anything like that i really am sorry.

but i did run this morning :) it was about 5 degrees celcius. but smelt like autumn. the leaves were blowing, it was actually a bit frigid and my hands were about to fall off. and when i got back while washing my hands i was having a panic attack like i felt ill and thought i was going to have an ibs attack and like oh my god it was pathetic. well i sort of did have stomach issues, but anywho. while the run lasted i actually felt sort of good :) i want more moments like that, i wish my whole life could just be positive and happy and great. but i think we grow from these experiences and if your life was all positive, i don't think that would be much of a life, right?

okay, well enough of that. trying to be all philosophical :P ahaha...oh well. i must go and get a few things done, stay strong all of you xoxox

baby it's cold outside :)

2011-09-17T13:44:00.000-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

its been a little bit since i last posted. i had wished to write more frequently, and i still do. but i don't enjoy writing the same type of things, or negative posts, etc. and im sure that you don't like to read those either :) but i couldn't resist it any longer...

this morning i had a nice breakfast after a morning run. autumn is here. i love the feeling in your lungs after being outside, and after running. it just feels fresh :)

plain oats with 1/2 banana, almonds, a few Thompson (large) raisins, cinnamon&ginger plus some crystallized ginger, bite size shredded wheat and a tiny bit of skim added after cooking...in the microwave, i do enjoy them this way sometimes

lately ive been quite stressed out, partially as im job searching and realising that...well this is it. i need to become more independent asap or i'll be very screwed. also, well my anxiety is so much worse due to this, yet i still fear the same things. although what im anxious about if often not the most crucial aspects of my life (if that makes any sense) it still takes up most of my time. so my priorities i guess are not in the right place, yet that's a difficult thing for me to do. i've always been anxious about my future. in one sense, excited because what i dream to do, well if i could do that i would be so happy..i think. yet getting there is the issue. and im a total wreck with anxiety when it comes to work, interviews, etc. i realised that these past few weeks. i mean physically and emotionally, like its death. so i need to figure something out or i will have like a bajillion ulcers or something, and probably have a heart attack, etc. i have no idea. even in the past, when i was in a bit of a better place, my jobs that i had throughout university (like in the summers/spring) caused a lot of anxiety, mostly physical symptoms. and i just had to deal. but i cannot deal anymore. that scares me because i need to do things on my own, i need to work obviously, and even if right now i'd be working somewhere not entirely related to my field of choice, its a stepping stone. as my degree doesn't lead me directly into anything.

anywho phewf you don't need to hear that. and perhaps i shouldn't be writing so much, in such depth, these personal things. but i need to write it somewhere, im sort of hurting people around me (like my family) by telling them my concerns. and i only voice a small percentage of them. which sort of goes to show what actually goes on in my mind :/ ughhh minds are fascinating i guess but mine personally terrifies me, and the complexity of the human mind sort of terrifies me even more.

how about something more positive??? yes i think i'd enjoy that as well...

a breakfast from a little while ago, but i wanted a photo of something

shredded wheat bites, blueberry-flax granola, almonds, banana, soymilk...coffee :)

and ohhh my gosh its so cold right now. i will not complain, i realise i asked for this. like all summer. but in my apartment in frigid i have just like skinnies and no socks but im wearing my paul frank slippers (but they're like thong/sandals but with like material...idk can't explain) and an uo flannel type button up. but its like buttoned all the way up now. but its autumnnn :D i wish we had a fireplace here, that would be nice. reminds me of my cottage...

i wear this a lot :/ ahh embarrassing.

my parents are on vacation with friends, and luckily my brother and i get to take care of my baby :)

i hope you're all doing well. i guess partially i never posted because i wasn't sure people wanted to read this any more. i know i never get many people reading anyway, but im not going to whine. it just doesn't feel very rewarding if i feel like no one is there, as selfish as that sounds. but i really love reading your lovely blogs, and appreciate the kindness and support that you've given me. so thank you :) and i love you xox

and they dressed in black

2011-09-07T12:12:00.001-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

i really am liking the colder weather at the moment :) like autumn. and i get to use the word now :P ahhh gosh honestly this morning i went running in a near-by ravine, and with the weather changing it seemed like i was in algonquin park, almost. except for the sirens. and cars. which i noticed when i emerged. baha, anyway, it was nice.

i enjoyed a bowl of cold cereal after getting ready, along with coffee. i took the photo but unfortunately my camera won't upload it at the moment. well its not my camera, so perhaps that's why its not cooperating. but it was simple yet nice. multigrain squares, almonds, banana, a few tbsp muesli (blueberry) along with soymilk. and ginger&cinnamon of course. it closely resembled this photo...

i was away for the long weekend, at my cottage, labour dayyy. or whatever its called anywhere else. and had quite a few large things going on the week before. and started this post a bit. but i thought i'd wait and hope to have more positive things to include besides the obvious. meaning my title is a bit much, but i just thought of it suddenly and wrote it down a while ago :P

my aunt passed away on the 26th, that evening and shortly after i posted actually. her funeral was the next wednesday. its so sad ;( i mean, old or young, it's awful to have someone die but she was just too young. cancer is a bitch....lately a lot of my family, more extended, have been affected by various forms of cancer. i remember when i was younger it wasn't much of an issue for any of us and i was grateful, but now idk...its so evil. the funeral was so sad, i knew it would be. i've only been to my grandmothers ('nana') and her mom. so it was with similar family members, and they had such a similar result of cancer in the end except she was way too young. i felt so much for her sons. and just, its just too much. but she was so amazing, and always wanted to be around family, and just stressed how important that was. i wish i had spoken to her more, just she and i.

*****
i was really happy to go to my cottage, my grandmother came for a bit, and drove up with my brother. they stayed for just a bit less than we did. it was a bit stressful, and she tends to comment on the things that im doing that are different. she's not senile or anything but lately she's become more and more, or i should say less, censored...or tends to speak her mind. i try to ignore it i guess but i feel a bit picked on. she likes my brother much more. i know its just stupid to say that and i don't like to accept it. i try to be nice but lately i find it hard to talk to her. i love her of course, but that's because i have other memories with her and i've known her for so long and what not. anywho its okay though :P

this was a peach-berry of some sort special pie i believe

it was very hot to begin with, and then the temperature dropped like 15+ degrees (celcius) on the last day and a bit. that morning i went for a run earlier, and it felt like autumn. we even had a fire made from then on and as i ran around the cottage (i do run around the cottage, instead of up on the main road baha) i could smell that fire smoke, its one of my favourite smells i think. and i was reminded of falls that i experienced in that area, well a town nearby growing up before we moved back to the city. it was a nice little moment there :P

my first morning i enjoyed this breakfast along with coffee as i went for a morning run (spoon-size shredded wheat, a bit of kashi honey-sunshine, almonds, banana, skim)

i remember a peach-oatmeal breakfast i had, where i cooked the old fashion oats in water, cinnamon, cut up ontario peach :P along with vanilla in the microwave, with chopped walnuts and almonds on top, along with a tbsp or so each kashi honey-sunshine, a w-w-oat-pb 'cookie' piece and soymilk...it was like a peach cobbler :)

we came back yesterday, i miss it already :/ ohh well hopefully i'll be back once for thanksgiving in october (canadian) and then not till next spring. but i hope things will be better then, and i'll have moved forward, accomplished a great deal, and so on.

talk to you all soon, hope everyone is doing well, love you :)

2011-08-26T17:00:00.001-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

this morning i went for a run, and a bit later on had breakfast:

bite-size shredded wheat, small bit of kashi plain wheat puffs, banana, almonds, skim milk, cinnamon&ginger

...so, i think a lot of people are back at school. i don't know why im commenting on this but i guess its just a normal regular thing though im not going back anymore. for canadians we start much later though, well like september unless you're a frosh at uni moving in. i can't really believe its almost that month. i guess i've been waiting for autumn but its strange, summer is nearly over. i sort of feel as though mine was wasted. i wanted the heat to be gone, i wasn't doing that well in many aspects, working on school stuff, just not enjoying life essentially. and now its over. i don't want the rest of my life to be that way though.

a breakfast from last saturday

plain oats with banana, almonds, a bit of bite-size shredded wheat & almond-raisin granola in almond milk :)
and some coffee...enjoyed after a morning run

my parents have this book that they've read a few times, sort of an 'optimism' book from the library. and they actually bought me a copy. so we could have one at the family home to read a lot. and they've been pushing me to read it insisting it will help me. i will :) i just want to finish what i have started now so i can concentrate on it and complete it fully like reading any other novel. it's called "don't sweat the small stuff" and in brackets (and it's all small stuff). i've been quite negative/pessimistic...if that's not obvious :P and they keep saying that it will never get better for me if my attitude is like this, and i understand that. but i feel like the negative comes first, and then i react. its like i feel as though its not my fault. i try to be positive and its like im hit continuously with bad things. i realise im grateful and the things that bother me are not always severe to other people. but i always say, why can't the positive thing happen first, then i'll react with a better attitude and try to turn things around...but i don't think it works that way.

"She made herself stronger by fighting with the wind."
— Frances Hodgson Burnett (The Secret Garden)

i have to go. but i hope you're doing well. i don't want to post this but, my aunt (who's been ill) is likely going to pass away, well i hate saying this because i want her to be okay...but my mom and the rest of the family are at the hospital now to be with her. i really hope she'll pull through but, i don't know :( i just wish these things didn't happen. i love her and i feel so awful for my mom, her sisters, and of course my aunt's two sons. she means so much to them, and though they've 'prepared' themselves for this over the past year since the diagnosis, it's still so difficult. i want her to be okay, so i will just try to keep positive in that sense. xoxox

friday

2011-08-19T12:42:00.001-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

hm i always seem to make the more spontaneous/unplanned posts when im upset. how attention-seeking of me, no? :P i had hoped my next post would include a lovely breakfast photo. but that will have to wait i guess. although i can tell you about this morning's breakfast if you'd like...

"cashew-banana-ginger"

old fashion oats cooked in water with 1/2 banana, cinnamon + ginger, with raw almonds and cashews, sliced-ginger & some skim milk...and coffee too.

i have a list of breakfast-inspirations and i didn't even realise i 'ticked' one off today, as i had saved this particular one...from the blog oats and tea. the photo can sort of depict mine, though my banana was cooked in, and i put a few bite-size shredded wheat on top

well i just am a bit mixed up at the moment, from things that are ongoing, things from this past week, and something which happened just today. i was meant to have an appointment, meeting, doctor/therapy and what not. i feel odd because i don't believe i've ever mentioned any details like that, but its not something i normally do, attending therapy i mean. at least not in my past. well, it was canceled and i don't know how to explain why it's affected me so much. i don't think i will as im sure it will make no sense. but a mixture of sadness and anger, but also, well idk really, she is sick and that scares me, i don't like sickness and what not. and i feel guilty for being scared to go because she's sick. and i feel like now i should get ill because im selfish. ugh i don't know how to explain it. anyway im a bit upset, its pathetic i sort of cried for a long time this morning just trying to figure out what to do. but it was over that. i mean...even i know that's a bit sad, jen :/ also, well ive been trying to make strides in a number of things and had some stuff to tell her, i was actually proud of some things that i did. and now i can't...i sort of feel like any improvement wasn't much of anything.

i visited my aunt, who's really ill, with my mom this week. and normally i'd be scared to do that, and she looked so different. but i went and im glad i did because i got to see her. but it makes me so upset, and i've just said so many times, or thought i mean, how i'd want to like give her my life. i've never said that obviously ahh that would be odd. and i don't exactly mean that. its just that i seem to be unhappy and other people would love to live, and are positive, strong, i just feel like im wasting some sort of give you know?

however i have been trying to do what i have to do, and continuing to search for work and am anxiously awaiting examination results for uni :( ahh its quite scary. im hoping for the best, there isn't much else to do. unless i just assume the worst, which i often do. thats not much fun though :P

that's all for now and i hope to return with a nice photo of my own :) love you and i hope you're all doing amazingly-well xox

"je veux devenir heureux, mais quelquefois, c'est plus facile de succombé à la tristesse"

sunday

2011-08-14T11:55:00.000-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

today i made some oatmeal for breakfast, which was quite yummy. i haven't used this type in a full oatmeal serving, and it was almost savoury without the banana. different grains combined along with flax seed i believe.

5 grain rolled oats (bobs red mill) in water with nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, 1/2
banana added afterward as i cooked a serving for both my mom and for me :) i added wheat germ, almonds, and a tiny bit of almond milk...

so for that...well i bought the small 1L carton thing of almond breeze, unsweetened. and i so wanted to love it. idk i can't do it? i bought another 2L different brand of almond milk, maybe i cannot do unsweetened? its not that. but the brand might be the wrong one. i dont mind things not sweet but i eat natural raw almonds all the time and they are sweet to me. but this was not. i tried it though and now i must use the rest in baking :P but im not giving up on the almond milk i will find one i like :)

yesterday evening/late afternoon i treated my parents to 'the help' film, ever since they read my copy of the book (which i love so so so so so much, seriously i cannot explain it), they were extremely excited for the film. so we saw it and it was quite good. i knew that i liked the story and that the acting would be great, and i love emma stone :) i will always find aspects different from the book, because its a screenplay based fiml of course and thus not the book itself. so i like both versions and i highly recommend them.

pb larabar shared a little while back, i like this flavour :)

and speaking of laras, i re-tried one i thought i didn't like, the pb+chocolate one i think? cute polkadot package and ahhh i loved loved loved it. its not too sweet which i like, but the dates and pb make a nice cookie with a bit of semi sweet chocolate, i don't have any more since i didnt think i liked that one :/ bahh ill get some more soon :) last time i went they had the macadamia nut luna which i don't believe we've ever had in canada, along with the chocolate peppermint stick which i've only had once when a friend sent them from ny and i shared it with my parents since i wasn't sure i liked peppermint and chocolate, ever since a bad memory from when i was younger.

i'm off to do a few things, continue the job searching and preparation, and then i go home. i hope you're all enjoying your sundays. i will talk to you later xoxox

and it continues...

2011-08-11T18:36:00.000-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

ahh i never post so close together. i used to, i remember doing it every day when i began, but just sort of random breakfast posts, very short and forced often.

this morning i wanted cold cereal (i had in my mind spoon sized shredded wheat, banana, almonds...maybe a bit of crisp rice cereal and/or muesli) but i tried to open my skim milk and you know the type where there's a plastic thing to pull out? i think its on juice cartons and other things. well it snapped in half and now i have to return it. well i better get a return/exchange/refund aha i couldn't open it :( and my morning was already awful...i had oats microwaved with banana but put way too much ginger on it. and some almonds, a few shredded wheat bites on top and muesli. but it was so hot and tasted so ginger-y in a bad sense and i felt sick and ugh not nice. so i had to go buy more today but its okay.

i just felt like saying hi, and i just feel like death really. as in just poorly. im so so so tired. but despite this i can't sleep a lot of the time. last night, and its been a week since it was that bad, but i had like 3 hours maybe? it took me till 4:30am or 5am to fall asleep, as in sooo tired and keeping my eyes closed, trying everything really and taking 5 or more hours to fall asleep. and i just feel awful now. partly im anxious because of how little sleep i got. maybe its not a big deal. (please tell me its not a big deal)...but every time i think about it i feel scared. and sick too. like just gross all over. and im scared it will happen again tonight. i honestly though id never fall asleep, it seemed that way, each hour passing and after 4:30 i was just crying ugh. i want to feel okay...;( this is such a downer post, so depressing and pathetic. i was just feeling like i wanted to talk to someone and i didn't know who, no one wants to hear me complain and i get that. so i thought i'd talk to you :P but of course there's no one there, but it made me feel a bit better to write down some thoughts, even if its just me whining.

oh one good thing happened, aha i have these sort of navy crewcuts (jcrew) pants, i guess 'trousers' idk like just slacks i guess and i was not wanting to wear a belt, but i noticed on the inside (i guess they do this with kids pants?) this elastic thing that you could pull and put a tighter button on, it makes no sense written down but its on the inside and ahhh i was so happy it was like higher waist-ed then. ah not ed that looks odd.

i just feel like everything is going wrong, and no matter what attitude i choose its like one thing after another and its ridiculous. i don't even feel happy to be completed uni (i hope gah) its like im anxious about the results, and then work obviously which i guess is fun but its stressful trying to find something and get contacts and what i want to do is not something you are 'qualified' for after uni, i just have to start from the very bottom no matter what. so that's great...and i never really got that sort of break after school, it was constant and now i am supposed to be constantly applying and contacting and writing and i realise that okay jen this is life deal with it you child...but its so much harder when im not that happy, and when honestly, this is sad, but most of the time im not even concentrating on those things and i don't even want to think about them sometimes. im not in the best place with other things like mentally/emotionally/physically so, idk am i making any sense? it just sucks the fun out of anything 'challenging' and just makes it challenging, which makes me feel like my life is one massive challenge after another. but in a really bad way.

im in my pajamas now :)

i just hope either things get better or i stop being so negative...but i think those things are up to me. lksjdlfkj ugh i just feel so awful now in many ways. i hate feeling like this. and i hate not liking parts of myself, because especially for careers i think i need to sort of like myself, or at least have confidence. i have never had much but lately its been quite low...and then like anxiety really high. and other things too low or too high. but i don't think i'd want to work with 'me' or be friends with 'me' or love 'me' so its so difficult to imaging going forward and preparing all of this stuff. do other people really have that much confidence or do they just sort of act positively and it all shows in a nice way?

*****

i don't want to write these types of posts, so i really hope i can tell you something positive again :) much love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

hoping for the best :)

2011-08-10T12:00:00.003-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

ohhh my gosh i just completed my final...final? exam. honestly i have felt disconnected the past week. just completed immersed in random historical information that i'll likely never retain. but i think im done. gosh i hope im finished...and...its getting close to cooler weather :) it has rained quite a bit. crazy down pours at times and i have been caught in them more than once :/

this morning's breakfast was organic multigrain squares, a few tbsp almond-raisin granola, 1/2 banana, almonds, skim :) i went for a short run earlier, and had coffee afterward. im at my family's house today, though my parents have been on vacation at our cottage. the water is being tested/off in my apartment, so i stayed another day :P i was here a bit to complete some online exams as well, and for my on-campus one last weekend...

i have no photos, but i've tried a few to depict certain favourites of the last little while...

yea thats all...:P

so i made...i think yesterday, yes yesterday, well i wanted to bake something. and we left the ww flour at the cottage. so only white. aka nothing i wanted to use. but...well i had skim milk that expired tomorrow and just was like determined to do something...so i just made cookies, with white flour, margerine and white sugar included. tehe...and i had some too, i just am usually not one for making things with those ingredients. if its a cake or something for someone, well that's an excuse. and lately i've been eating things like graham crackers, sometimes store bought things that might have white flour. but using it in baked things was always something i thought was 'wrong'...especially if its a muffin. since i consider those like healthy things and i prefer the taste too, of whole wheat. anywho...i think i'll always be like that and to me its okay. but i also thought it could be beneficial to include white flour in like cookies, since normally (although i like oatmeal cookies with ww flour, and just ww flour taste in general) many types of cookies are made with white flour. so i used it, and, well i mean i didn't used to be like this. at the beginning of my ed i just was swearing off fat essentially. and i lost quite a bit of weight even though i still used white flour. so i tried to tell myself that i didn't blow up then. i focused on fat, then calories, etc. i wouldn't want to have it all the time though, and i like ww and whole grain breads, and i knwo they're more nutritious. but i just wanted to let myself know its okay to have something with white flour. i probably could have summed this up in a few sentences but i guess i ramble :P

by the way...these two sisters are incredible :)

and i purchased...or, like picked out for my birthday (back in june...) the cinnamon raisin pb from pb+co and tried it for the first time. i like it. there are actual little raisin bits in it :) its like the honey one i guess since i can feel the bits of sugar, i mean unlike the smooth one. and a bit different from natural pb which i usually have.

my brother is here now, and i think he's watching a movie. i know its day time (though its so dark out/stormy) but i just finished exams and you know what....? ahh i think im gong to go watch something with him. i was reading while drinking my coffee after breakfast...but after i do a bit of work, emails, etc on the computer i'll go see what he's up to :P i'll talk to you all laterrrr and i hope you're doing well :)

2011-08-03T12:03:00.001-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

its august :):) the only thing that excites me is that autumn is soon :P i sort of missed the end of the month, i mean normally i remember that it's the thirtieth or thirty-first (or twenty eighth for february) but today i just realised the new month had already begun! i've been at my cottage for about five days which was nice, and im not sure when i'll be up. it was emotionally and physically lovelyyy to get away from the city, even though i was studying a great deal of the time, and it wasn't an extremely long trip.

today's breakfast...i went for a short run in the rain, it was humid (not so nice) and after getting ready i enjoyed this, i thought i'd just demonstrate the whole picture:

plain oats with banana, cinnamon & ginger, almonds added afterward, along with a few tbsp each almond-raisin-granola + organic wheat squares (soaked in non-fat soy-milk in the turquoise cup :P)...plus some coffee.

and im so full, like i don't understand what's wrong, i had this a few hours ago but sometimes i eat a little and my stomach kills, i feel like swollen or something, other times i eat and feel like i just didn't eat anything...:/

i'm feeling a bit more motivated, but at the same time even more stressed :/ gahhh does that usually happen? its sort of annoying. and sleep-wise, sometimes i do, often i hardly do and i'm having so much trouble falling asleep some nights/mornings and don't want to be resorting to meds or something each time. not that it even helps. but i just wish that i didn't stress about it quite as much, as i realise that makes it worse.

but...a new month, a new (ish) start and this upcoming fall is the beginning of something for me, and i must be happy and motivated and just not the way i am now...otherwise i'll end up being feeling disappointed.

*****

but this past weekend and more was fairly nice, there are always a lot of issues but anywho not the moment to dwell on that...

shredded wheat bites, almonds, banana, skim milk & coffee, after a morning run :)

old fashion/rolled oats in water with 1/2 cooked pear, strawberry + cinnamon, topped with non-fat soy milk and a melange of golden raisins and almonds

by the way golden raisins...ahhh my gosh they are lovelyyy. like green grapes, i realise thats the stupidest thing to say but i've traditionally eaten darker raisins, so i guess these ones were a nice change and less sweet.

enjoyed with a view :)

the last morning: old fashion oats in water & cinnamon with banana + apple (shared with my mom) along with almonds + a prune, non fat soy milk as well

...i think that's my brother (i didn't take this photo obviously...im pretty sure i was in the cottage at the time :P)

saw the last harry potter with one of my best friends, but i'm okay with it i decided. i still have the books. it wasn't as scary as i thought, maybe since i've been re-reading the series so much? i feel like they will always be there. when the last book came out, well that was when i felt a bit lost, like it was over. but i don't think it ever is. that's what i love about books. and films too.

i studied a lot, notes for one of my final exams and i felt so motivated, i honestly think i retained more information than i had this whole year. that sounds awful. but i just felt happy for a bit.

and now im back, and i just feel like i have no more excuses, for anything, i have my last three exams very shortly and my whole life which needs to be organized and i can't mess up anymore. i can't fail anything else and i just need to be a lot stronger. i hope you're all doing well though :) and thank you so much for being so sweet, and lovely, and amazing :P

xoxox

don't sweat the small stuff

2011-07-25T21:21:00.007-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

today i had my first pear oats i believe :) yum, the pear didn't seem that ripe to touch, but it was flavourful and juicy and lovely when i tried it...gave the other half to my brother :P

"ginger pear oats"

this is not my photo of course, its monica.shaw on flickr, yet i thought it depicted mine fairly well

mixture of old fashion & scottish oatmeal in water, with cinnamon, ginger, blanched almonds, 1/2 bosc pear & 1/2 ginger slice

i am having so much trouble focusing on things, especially notes/work which is important. and i get so distracted, but i realise its my fault. and then i feel guilty because im not working as hard as i should. when i actually accomplish something it's such a wonderful feeling, difficult to explain, sort of a mood that i feel. and i have not yet felt that in a while. but i guess if i keep doing little things, moving forward slightly, and try to stay somewhat positive, i think i might be okay.
***************

i found this linked on emily's blog a little while ago so i thought it would be useful in describing certain things about me...

A: is for Apple, what’s your favorite variety?… golden delicious, or ida red i think its called? crunchy ones anyway, or applesauce (unsweetened)

B: is for bread... stonemill (brand) either the spelt one, or sasha bread company spelt (expensive though ugh) or just stonemill ‘grains+honey’, so i guess whole grain varieties, with some sort of nut/seed

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)…oh this is not fair! you mean cold, right? i guess a multigrain or wheat 'square' type, especially this organic wheat square from a local store, its a mixture of corn, wheat + oat flour base i think but its not too sweet and i love it; or spoon size shredded wheat, then add banana. i also like muesli (flakes) added in sometimes...

D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy? i dont eat them, or havent in so long. but when i did i believe i had apple fritter, nothing like 'filled' or anything, and when i was little i'd always get the one with sprinkles, vanilla icing too :P not the chocolate

E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?… hard boiled + cold. w coarse ground pepper

F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product? hmm natural plain yogurt i think. + skim

G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase your at?… sobeys or ziggies (lawblaws)

H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?… coffee (black) for morning! but i love herbal tea esp later on, peppermint :)

I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping…hm. i cant really have ice cream but i have vanilla soy ice cream or frozen yog often; i remember ordering the peanut butter chocolate ice cream cone at this place 'the nutty chocolatiere' in a small town i grew up in and a 'kiddie cone' you'd get like smarties + two chocolate discs on top to make a mickey mouse

J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?…jam. apricot or raspberry or strawberry, esp the organic ones :P idk like i feel its more natural. we dont really have jelly in canada i dont think and the thought sort of grosses me out :P idk like spreadable jello?

K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?…the organic cinnamon wheat square things :)

L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?… im not sure when this is posting, but from this point/day, i had...whole grain spelt (mix of sourdough, ww, wwspelt) bread, one with a bit of cashew nut butter and the other a smidgen of organic creamy honey, unsweetened applesauce, baby carrots and a bit of skim cottage cheese...cinnamon (sprinkled on the applesauce and honey) & ginger (on the carrots and cashew butter); cold peppermint tea mug on the side (i had made it earlier and thus it cooled down :P)

M: is for Milk, what kind do you like (flavor, source, etc)?… skim (cows) or non-fat soy milk

N: is for Nuts, what kind are your favorite?… almonds. natural, and peanut for a nut butter

O: is for Onions, do you eat them?…cooked i guess often in a stir fry so its like caramelized?

P: is for Protein, what is your favorite source?…hm well on my own i guess yogurt or cottage cheese as i dont often cook meat, but chicken (skinless + boneless) otherwise, baked in the oven w like a touch of yogurt, breadcrumb + thyme to keep it sort of moist (for my family as i honestly like it dried out)

Q: is for Quiche, what 4 ingredients would you like in yours?… idk i have had it like once? im not sure how they come....

R: is for Restaurant, what’s the name of your favorite and what type of cuisine does it serve?…i dont go out often at all ;( but italian was often my favourite, like thin crust pizzas (marguerita is just tomato sauce + basil) with a nice greens/house salad)...il fornello or spigas (places near me, i used to go more often with my family)

S: is for Spices, name 4 that are in your kitchen right now that you have used in the past 5 days?… cinnamon, ginger, coarse-ground pepper...i have fennel seed + rosemary but its been a little while...

T: is for Trick or Treating, what 5 candies does your bag contain?…reeses peanut butter cups, hmm i just remember liking those. any type of gum, i remember being really excited when people would give out legit size chocolate bars...ahh um this is like when i was young, at the moment i wouldnt want trick or treat things...i guess skittles + smarties?

U: is for Universal, what is your favorite type of cuisine from around the world?… im not very good with this + dont branch out much...i guess italian for good thin crust pizza, honestly thats all...maybe greek for some things, + mediterranean but my stomach is always really messed up :/

V: is for Vitamins, do you take them, and if so, what kinds?… vit C, multi V + probiotics (udo's)

W: is for Water, do you drink bottled, spring, tap, sparkling, etc?… tap, and a lot :)

X: is for Xtra special, what food holds a special place in your heart?… hmm well cereal because i love it...but gelato (i havent had it for a looong time) reminds me of when i was with friends in milano italy :) and eating it with my family at this amazing place in my city...and just like certain food at my cottage reminds me of childhood there, corn on the cob when its in season...etc.

Y: is for Yogurt, you can only afford 1 cup, what kind do you purchase? frozen yogurt. (i agree emily)

Z: is for Zero guilt, what food can you enjoy over and over without any guilt? mmm bananas maybe...unless i have a million...water :P if its not too much...just breakfast (in general....) most of the time

****************

that's really all there is to know about me...:P baha im joking. that's surfacy things, i thought i'd post today as im likely going somewhere later in the week so i wouldn't do anything here until perhaps next week, then i have exams. it's sort of cooled down. i was awake for a while because of some storm activity earlier this morning, but honeslty i cannot remember the last time it rained. maybe in early june? may? idk??? we needed it. but its so moist now, like not humid but damp? sort of gross.

im tired now, and spent so long doing dishes, and just running around doing stuff today, idk what really, but everything seems to take extremely long, and im exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally. constantly pretty much. its sort of sad but yea i need to work on something maybe, figure out how to deal with things. i'll talk to you sometime soon ish i hope :P xox

that's me in a nutshell

2011-07-22T11:33:00.002-04:00

hey lovelies :):)

this morning's breakfast was new :) and i was quite proud of myself actually :P more traditional oatmeal, with a theme...and part of a bar:

"cinnamon roll oats"

mixture of quick oats and 5 grain rolled oats in water with 1/2 frozen sliced banana (which was actually good on its own, i thought i would be gross but it thawed very quickly)...lots of cinnamon and ginger, with 1 tbsp almond-raisin granola & 1/2 cinnamon-roll larabar...one of two left :(

oh. my. god. okay, officially i think the world may be ending. yesterday, it was horrid, humidex of fifty one. fifty. it hit 38 or so but felt like a freaking sauna, i walked over to my appointment at 4:30 and thought i would be sick on the street. it was that awful. but its supposed to get a bit better by sunday, 29 i think? then perhaps some rain and what not in the early part of next week. ugh i cannot wait for cooler weather, honestly. our internet was down, one of the major companies, all day yesterday, fried from the heat maybe? i worked on notes, was anxious for my appointment, like seriously messed up nervous, but watched a bit of one of my favourite films, and longed for autumn weather.

"don't you just love new york in the fall?"

lately i've been doing, well, nothing too exciting. school work, other work, studying, being stupid. :P im trying to focus on things that do matter, and i'm trying to be positive. that's something i say/write a lot on here. most of the time it's a lie i think, but this time it's sort of true. i want to be happy, but sometimes it seems easier to just give up i guess, or stay low.

"harry potter, it all ends"

one of the saddest farewells, this was brutal. when they're all crying at the end. :( sort of killing myself watching, yet you want to. you want to cry i guess. i want this though, i mean the thing about films, and i know i sound like a dreamer, but you meet amazing people and just the whole filming and acting and production experience seems beyond incredible. plus you become other people, and for films you're often shooting in these on -location shoots across the world.

but on a related note, i love this series. the books are my favourite, only because, well they're the beginning and they're just so magical. jk rowling writes so wonderfully, with such description, and each character seemed (seems...because i won't accept it to be over, especially since i've re read the series multiple times since the final book release in 2007) so real to me. but the films are also incredible in my opinion, everything really comes to life. and i love the actors, and everything really.

right now i'm just finishing up a degree, and its more film/theatre/history, though i started out in my university's acting program. it is theatre based, and the first year with my classmates was scary but quite amazing, and i grew close to many of them. but i love film so much, and i've become interested also in anything known as "behind the scenes"...though i'd ultimately love to act, to sort of get into the business i would say that i enjoy learning about all areas. along with television, radio, etc. but honestly if i could act in films, make film and just be a part of them, i think i'd be truly happy. but of course happiness is also about your life, and family, and what not. so i'd need to find a balance like that, and be happy with myself i guess, which i'm not even close to achieving at the moment. perhaps that's why i love to act, or to pretend, or to dream...i imaging my life differently? but the thing is, although film and stories and novels are escapist entertainment, that's not quite it. i would love the experience of making films, not simply the acting part. so i think i just always imaging i'll be different, or things will get better, or somehow i'll end up achieving what i truly want. but i lack reality sometimes, or figuring out how i'm going to get there. which is why my parents have always considered me a bit of a 'dreamer'...and why they were quite adamant that i achieve a more general degree as a basis. but i did want to go to school, i think i like to learn, and i wanted a degree even though i knew that it would likely not lead me directly into a career, or even form the basis of one. i just wanted to have it.

i feel like a bit of a, phoney. not that but just not very honest. honest with some things but perhaps i'm giving the impression that i'm trying to get better all the time...but im not actually trying. ugh this sounds odd. i just don't want to post about how i purposely did something or ate less or whatever, because then, well it would seem odd, like what are you trying to do jen ask for help? just brag about being restrictive, have people get angry with you? and i assume that when i read other blogs they're honest and usually people post about how much they want to get away from their eds and issues and are trying so hard, and of course i know its true. so i just feel sick saying this, but im not always trying to be better. its not that i want to be sad or sick or just not okay. but often i find certain things triggering, and then appealing...and if im just upset about one thing i'll turn to something which seems 'safe'. im making absolutely no sense. but i just wanted to say, i appreciate the messages so much, but then i feel guilty when an amazing person would write that i'm trying so hard, or they believe me, or that it's inspiring, which i just don't associate with myself at all. i feel like im failing i feel like im doing this to myself and i don't feel inspiring at all. i can't associate myself with those words but i would love to, i really would.

i do love this photo of elle, however, and wish i could do those braids with my hair

that's all really, i hope you're dealing with this heat in a good way, stay cool please :) xox love you all