a time for change..

 hello…is anybody out there? if so, hi. (otherwise i’ll just continue to talk to myself, which is okay because i do it a lot).

i’m not entirely sure why i have stayed away, except for the fact that i couldn’t think of what to share, and had nothing great to share. it’s weird, and sad for me…just that this community that i once knew has come apart. i know there are still so many people writing out there, but i don’t know them, and they don’t know me. so i don’t feel as though i belong.

it’s like, i don’t know who i am in real life. and on here (which is still real to me, by the way, even though its the internet) i don’t know, i stopped writing here because i had no point. i started out trying to be recovery/breakfast/’lovelyyahhh’ blog but mostly as an excuse to connect with other girls that i had followed and felt so connected with. and luckily i was able to do so, for a bit. and then i started getting worse myself, mentionally/emotionally and physically and just felt like a fraud, and even more confused about myself. then people stopped writing publically, and a whole bunch of new people came and i just didn’t know them and did not write or deal with similar things, i guess. and even now, i love tumblr. i used to love it because you didn’t have to write, you didn’t have to explain why you wanted to put down certain images, it felt wonderful, so free. but now i see these recovery ‘blogs’ (i only put it in quotations because i always refer to tumblrs as tumblrs, and blogs i just reserve for wordpress/blogspot, etc) but i guess im not really up with things at the moment. because i do love to read and connect with these individuals yet my tumblr isn’t for that. sometimes i write random things that are just bursting out of me, and it seems more anonymous (i fucking hope it is, anyway, besides those that i know through there)….but now im struggling with that, what to put down, why do i have one, what am in doing? and then…well, then i just look at all of this shit and realise that im so stupid, none of this matters and i need a life. i need to get a fucking move on.

and even though i know that no one will see this, i feel at home here posting these thoughts because it’s what i used to do. and it’s mine i guess. i feel odd writing too much in the open, or on tumblr because no one really knows me and it doesn’t go with the rest of my stuff. its like, image, image, quote, image, woahhh suicidal rant here :O …image, image, quote, …and so on.

i don’t do well with change, and wish that, in a sense, the people i used to know were still here. but then that would bring back the past, and all the nasty things that came along with it. plus, part of the reason that people stop writing (publically) is because they’re doing well! and how can i resent that? i don’t! i just want a friend, a connection. even if its not deemed ‘healthy’ to be close with someone dealing with the same things for fear that one will bring the other down, or up maybe? who knows…i feel like im just at a standstill. not getting better. and certainly not doing well. i mean, im moving along i guess but not at the pace that i should be. i never, ever, …ever thought that i’d be this “bad”, so to say, a few years, or five years ago. if someone told me what my life would be like i’d be embarrassed, maybe a bit terrified of what awaits me. which is sort of how i feel right now. but i do feel ashamed though, i should be more independent and i should not be letting the things that i struggle with bring me down. i’m mostly responsible for messing things up.

but this wasn’t supposed to be so depressing! ahh…i can’t get away i guess ;) if anyone does remember me, or read this, or just happens to glance, thank you and i would love to know how you’re doing. sincerely…i honestly care about you so, so, so much.

 

and because i started off my blog with my love for breakfasts…a toasted coconut-banana-ginger oat breakfast from a little while ago.

oh! im taking another university course (as a continuing education student, since i finished my undergrad) and it is called, ‘generating stories part 1’. it's a bit of a creative writing course, which i haven’t been a part of in a while. probably since high school and, even then, i was mostly writing essays and various independent and book/novel-related papers. we actually have to read out what we write  :o as in…really and truly. it’s a bit scary, i mean my writing can be shiitiitlsjdljkt. so i have no where to hide unless i want to make a fool out of myself. we shall see…

anyway, hope this became something of a post. i hope i’m back sometime. who knows..and i hope that anyone reading this is doing well, and whether or not you are…please just say hi sometime ;P im pretty lonely. if that wasn’t clear. lots of love xoxox

i don't want to wake up

dear odd little dreamer,

i hope this little note finds you well. and that it puts a smile on your face, as letter always do. i don't know where you are, or when you'll be reading this. i just hope that you have come to accept certain things about yourself, but that you have not lost hope. remember that you can always change, and that there is beauty in the world. even if you cannot see it right now.

are you happy today? you don't have to think about it. i hope you're not scared, sad, anxious, sick, or feeling down in any way. but that's rather unrealistic, because life has its ups and downs. yet, i do sincerely wish that you are reading this with a realisation that things are much, much, much better than they were before. and you should feel proud. even if you don't believe that you had any force in this change. 

and please, ...no more regrets. you tend to regret every little thing that you do, which only leads to unhappiness, leaving you unsatisfied and empty. you choose to do things for a reason, and it is not always a bad one. you must stick to some of these decisions and follow through with them. please remember this. it is essential.

you better be acting, odd one, in a movie perhaps? or maybe you're working behind the scenes. possibly living in another city...if you're not doing any of these things, do not fret. you will either get there soon, or you have accepted and changed your dreams and goals every so slightly to fit a newer you. but you do know what your heart truly desires, so don't doubt yourself. and at the same time, i really hope that you're somehow making movies, stories, and words come alive. because that is who you are, it is what you wish, yearn to become and neither you or i could really live with the notion that this dream never came true.

but dreamer, please stop being so afraid. afraid of everything. you think you're trying to make things less scary for yourself, you believe that by doing this you might suffer a little bit less, that you might feel a little bit less terrified, vulnerable, lonely & completely insane...but you're wrong. i'm not sure exactly why, and i don't quite know how to explain it. but just try to let go a little bit. 

oh, and you're actually hurting others much more than you might believe. now don't get angry, i realise that you're aware of this..but, at a certain point in your life, (and it has quite possibly happened already) you'll realise the full damage that you've inflicted upon--not just yourself--but upon others. i know the truth hurts, but denial is so much more dangerous.

well, that's all i have to write to you. who knows where you are, who knows what you're doing. but i hope you're here. and more importantly, i hope you now want to be here. 

until then, try to be happy :) xoxox