i still do write here! …from time to
time; I haven’t deleted so I always have a bit of something to come back to
(plus I hate to delete so many posts even if they are a bit shit, it seems like
erasing the past and that just feels wrong);
i’m sort of posting now because I spent
some time, once again, looking at old posts from the beginning until now,
photos, food, thoughts (which were both repetitively-negative but also made me
feel sick and sad because i know now how i felt then, but also because so much of those issues have remained and then
manifested into others…literally five years later… :/ I still cannot get over
that last part…
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(some oatmeal from a
while ago…we’ll call them ‘sunbutter-chocolate-almond’ oats i think)
Because I have to include a
breakfast photo even though I haven’t posted regularly in over a year :o … I don’t
even know if anyone sees this but I still feel connected to it and it
represents my past in a sense, so I will just start writing random things. It’s
cold :O actually, it’s warmer than it has been but we were just hit with
another “winter starrrrm” and its snowing and blowing and will likely make all
the slush freeze over when another polar vortex hits later in the week :/
blahh. My parents are in new Orleans and had the nerve to mention that it was
colder than usual there ;P I think the temperature was going from like 75 to …wait,
75 F (which is like the mid teens or something C? im not American so we don’t “do”
fahrenheit ;p); wlkdjfsk suddenly im
really anxious and im trying to drink this thing and its so sweet and I don’t
think my body agrees and my mind doesn’t but there’s no point in going on and
on and on about it…oh! Okay, these are cute:
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A couple nakd crunch flavours have
come here which is pretty cool and I love the colours J
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I found the banana not as nice which
was odd as I love banana...
(but not always banana-flavoured
things so it tasted a bit fake and very sweet) but I want to try it again and
hopefully I’ll like it more…partly because I have another three right now I think…
I wish we had the mocha and regular banana,
rhubarb something ones and the raisins look really cool, like flavoured
raisins?!? I have only seen those dried cranberry ones that are “blueberry-flavoured-craisins”
but they are often the low sugar ones so they’re just sweetened w splenda or
something which isn’t really what I want, I mean if they just put less sugar
maybe, but then adding a sweetener which is even sweeter and messes w digestive
systems sometimes, it wouldn’t be nice/sweet/see what I did there? oh god im
such a fucking dumbass, does anyone actually remember me, posts, anything? I know
it’s sort of sad that I haven’t changed at all and you are probably wondering
why im even writing this down…
I don’t know what to say besides
stating the obvious; I’m not okay. Okay, that’s evident I guess if you knew me
right now in real life. There are so many things than I want to tell you, yet
can’t; they’re just not things you put out there and, even if it was more
acceptable to share everything to a world wide web of people/things, it’s not
fair for people to read; and it’s not healthy for me either I guess; but I just
needed a sort of outlet and I do like writing here sometimes, I just feel that
(especially since no one that I used to connect with blogs anymore) I don’t
feel as though i’m talking to anyone anymore, which makes this process even
more overwhelming and I don’t even know if/or who sees this? I mean I realise I’ve
already sort of shared “too much” from the beginning, that ball has dropped ;P
or whatever they say; for some reason I am writing down so many puns/corny
sayings but completely butchering them in the process…ahhsdlkfj okay I guess I mean
I have changed in some ways, not in others, and I think it’s better not to
write it all down; it would be pointless, right? Right. It’s starting to hail
now and it’s dark out, although it’s just a bit after 4pm and I just keep feeling
more anxious, about work (though I’ve been there a while) and food and my body’s
reaction to things, ibs, sickness, anxiety, being alone right now for a longer
period of time, not knowing if I’ll make it to work or be okay there, or if I can
eat “this” or challenge with “that” and yadadsldkjflsklblahh thoughts thoughts
thoughts. I guess they’re just thoughts. And, although they seem to control
things, I am really the one who can control them and change and make myself see
things in a better light. It just becomes so difficult when nothing positive
really presents itself even loosely in
my direction. But I have to watch closely I guess, or listen.
I hope that everyone is doing well,
whoever that is ;) if anyone is reading this I hope that you’re happy. And I hope
that you’ve had a good day, or night, or morning…and if not, that things turn
around right now. With the hit of this publish button aha …
oh god, anyway. that’s
all. xoxox so much love and hope to talk again soon
