and it continues...

hey lovelies :):)

ahh i never post so close together. i used to, i remember doing it every day when i began, but just sort of random breakfast posts, very short and forced often.

this morning i wanted cold cereal (i had in my mind spoon sized shredded wheat, banana, almonds...maybe a bit of crisp rice cereal and/or muesli) but i tried to open my skim milk and you know the type where there's a plastic thing to pull out? i think its on juice cartons and other things. well it snapped in half and now i have to return it. well i better get a return/exchange/refund aha i couldn't open it :( and my morning was already awful...i had oats microwaved with banana but put way too much ginger on it. and some almonds, a few shredded wheat bites on top and muesli. but it was so hot and tasted so ginger-y in a bad sense and i felt sick and ugh not nice. so i had to go buy more today but its okay.

i just felt like saying hi, and i just feel like death really. as in just poorly. im so so so tired. but despite this i can't sleep a lot of the time. last night, and its been a week since it was that bad, but i had like 3 hours maybe? it took me till 4:30am or 5am to fall asleep, as in sooo tired and keeping my eyes closed, trying everything really and taking 5 or more hours to fall asleep. and i just feel awful now. partly im anxious because of how little sleep i got. maybe its not a big deal. (please tell me its not a big deal)...but every time i think about it i feel scared. and sick too. like just gross all over. and im scared it will happen again tonight. i honestly though id never fall asleep, it seemed that way, each hour passing and after 4:30 i was just crying ugh. i want to feel okay...;( this is such a downer post, so depressing and pathetic. i was just feeling like i wanted to talk to someone and i didn't know who, no one wants to hear me complain and i get that. so i thought i'd talk to you :P but of course there's no one there, but it made me feel a bit better to write down some thoughts, even if its just me whining.

oh one good thing happened, aha i have these sort of navy crewcuts (jcrew) pants, i guess 'trousers' idk like just slacks i guess and i was not wanting to wear a belt, but i noticed on the inside (i guess they do this with kids pants?) this elastic thing that you could pull and put a tighter button on, it makes no sense written down but its on the inside and ahhh i was so happy it was like higher waist-ed then. ah not ed that looks odd.

i just feel like everything is going wrong, and no matter what attitude i choose its like one thing after another and its ridiculous. i don't even feel happy to be completed uni (i hope gah) its like im anxious about the results, and then work obviously which i guess is fun but its stressful trying to find something and get contacts and what i want to do is not something you are 'qualified' for after uni, i just have to start from the very bottom no matter what. so that's great...and i never really got that sort of break after school, it was constant and now i am supposed to be constantly applying and contacting and writing and i realise that okay jen this is life deal with it you child...but its so much harder when im not that happy, and when honestly, this is sad, but most of the time im not even concentrating on those things and i don't even want to think about them sometimes. im not in the best place with other things like mentally/emotionally/physically so, idk am i making any sense? it just sucks the fun out of anything 'challenging' and just makes it challenging, which makes me feel like my life is one massive challenge after another. but in a really bad way.

im in my pajamas now :)

i just hope either things get better or i stop being so negative...but i think those things are up to me. lksjdlfkj ugh i just feel so awful now in many ways. i hate feeling like this. and i hate not liking parts of myself, because especially for careers i think i need to sort of like myself, or at least have confidence. i have never had much but lately its been quite low...and then like anxiety really high. and other things too low or too high. but i don't think i'd want to work with 'me' or be friends with 'me' or love 'me' so its so difficult to imaging going forward and preparing all of this stuff. do other people really have that much confidence or do they just sort of act positively and it all shows in a nice way?

*****

i don't want to write these types of posts, so i really hope i can tell you something positive again :) much love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox