to be honest

hey lovelies :):)

*****

oh gosh, well autumn has arrived. it was something i was looking forward to, all summer, all year really. but now that it's here, i can't say that im in a better frame of mind.

i miss you :( i miss blogging, i miss wanting to write things down, i miss reading things from those who aren't around anymore. i miss looking forward to things, anticipation, excitement. i wish i could be inspiring, but the truth is i just haven't been able to even think about writing anything, doing anything really. i don't have any lovely photos, i wish i could show you beautiful breakfast images, and photos of my day, something fun, something which would provide some glimpse into my life or some sort of concrete evidence that i'm actually living...but these don't exist at the moment. i feel like i've really been slipping, on many levels. and i can't seem to go forward at the moment. i'm quite negative. actually it disgusts me...if i were someone else looking at me, well :/ anyway, i should be happy & excited & motivated, im embarking on another stage of my life. but i'm not.

i tend to censor things on here, or make it seem like my issues with eating are the only ones causing me distress, but its not true. yet my other problems, well they're not as common or more embarrassing. these past few weeks my stomach + anxiety (maybe its related...) have been causing me so much trouble both emotionally + physically. but i've kept trying to eat regularly, maybe thats the problem...im not sure. i know i've gone down, lower, lost, whatever. it hasnt come with that much happiness i guess since part of the reason has been my stomach. but i cant deny that i have liked certain aspects of losing. i just want to try to be in control of something. because i feel like im never in control of my life or my stomach and i constantly feel like death and get random severe systems which are unpleasant but make me more terrified. ughhh whatever i do apologize if this is triggering or just too awful to read.

i would love to write here more regularly but i don't think i should allow that if i can't provide images...or if i cannot be more pleasant & positive. those were my own goals or motivations to continue, but when they were not accomplished i realised that i was getting no where. but i miss all of you, and when i realised that no one was reading this, it made me feel like a piece of, nothing. and as self-absorbed & pathetic & attention-seeking that sounds...well yea its true basically. but i just miss connecting with others, and i always feel like i get so happy to meet others, and then realise its not reciprocated. does that make sense? then i get paranoid like maybe im awkward or ugly or no one wants to connect with someone they don't really "know"...like just through blogging and not in real life. but ohh well im excited as im going on a mini vacation, its been a long time aha, to a city where a few girls that i've 'met' and just felt so connected with and everything, live near by and i'd love to be able to meet these people in real life. but i feel like it won't work out or i'll be awkward or something will happen, like idk i will get sick or my mom will, okay i know this sounds so odd but i fear this all the time. and often i get excited for plans and then it just ends up being "too good to be true"...does anyone get this??? i mean its like whyyy can't something actually work out. for once. for fucks sake ugh, sorry :(

but i can't keep going on like this, i know i have some positives, and i actually really love writing. i began leaving out parts because i was paranoid, i've lost a lot of the anonymity on here, so if anyone i knew found it, or potential career/job conflicted...ugh that would be a nightmare. but its like an outlet almost, i mean its not like i feel better or the pain goes away, but it seems like a bit of the weight is lifted off my shoulders. but then blogging is merely a one-way street. im not 'giving' anything im just releasing perhaps, or just venting/complaining. i must reach out and help others more, but i feel like many of the people i used to follow are no longer writing.

well this turned out lovely...:P not a nice post, not a nice update. i just don't know what to do anymore and i don't know why i am anymore, and i feel like i've lost something. control, or security or ...im not sure. the thing is im so structured and a control-freak. that perhaps its good to just let go and be spontaneous. and just take more risks. but that scares me more than anything almost. i feel like what i wrote down is just a collection of random thoughts that makes no sense to anyone but myself :) honestly im so conflicted at the moment, and so many things are on my mind like allllll the time. can't you tell? this post is a confession of the sort, or a spilling of everything, and i know it is very self-absorbed and if it sounds rude, offensive, anything like that i really am sorry.

but i did run this morning :) it was about 5 degrees celcius. but smelt like autumn. the leaves were blowing, it was actually a bit frigid and my hands were about to fall off. and when i got back while washing my hands i was having a panic attack like i felt ill and thought i was going to have an ibs attack and like oh my god it was pathetic. well i sort of did have stomach issues, but anywho. while the run lasted i actually felt sort of good :) i want more moments like that, i wish my whole life could just be positive and happy and great. but i think we grow from these experiences and if your life was all positive, i don't think that would be much of a life, right?

okay, well enough of that. trying to be all philosophical :P ahaha...oh well. i must go and get a few things done, stay strong all of you xoxox