december and regrets

hey lovelies :):)

*odd opening statement, but i have said that 'greeting' since...i think the beginning? and i feel like i have to. i know its repetitive but now i can't stop :p and its so forced often and i feel like it sounds so dumb. so if you were wondering why i write it each time, well that's why :) i sort of wish i had stuck with something different, i didn't realise how silly it would sound after a while.

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this morning's breakfast was "raisin-almond-ginger" oats :)...

plain oats cooked with cinnamon&ginger + 1/2 banana, almonds, tbsp org large golden raisins, and topped w crystallized ginger, a few tbsp org multigrain wheat squares + skim milk.

i first went for a little run, after having lots of water + a banana. i eat too many bananas i think :/ it was cold though, and i feel like i look dumb, i was tired though, i feel like i cant run anymore. but i used to go later in the day after a bigger bfast, so now i like to do it earlier and before my bfast (and then i can enjoy it!), but i need something so i have a full banana, i know some people go on an empty stomach but yea i need something :P...and i don't go for long honestly its a bit pathetic, oh well. im okay with that i think. going later just makes me waste the day, so this way i feel more productive. don't worry though i have a proper breakfast + its usually my only exercise of that day.

i cannot believe it is december, it just seems like fall was rushed...and now i know all of a sudden it will be the new year, and then a few months of extreme coldness. and then summer :/ but im really going to try to be in the moment, and try to enjoy things so that when the time passes, im not regretting not doing/doing something. i have an issue with regret. its sort of sad, i mean i feel like i regret everything. from choosing one food over another, to spending too much time on something, not enough on another. sometimes its so pathetic though like regretting something that really shouldn't matter. and then i don't enjoy it, or i spend time beating myself up...its like that could-a, should-a...whats the saying? pretty much that you shouldn't keep saying, i could have, i should have...i need to take that advice anyway :P i don't think that last sentence made any sense but i understood myself, so that's good :P

does anyone else have that regret issue? its really annoying. and i doubt nearly every aspect of my life. and rely on either what i believe, or someone else...so when it's challenged i get so paranoid and anxious? i think it has to do with anxiety, and fears. and i get into a routine and control things, and then when they change, well i get a bit anxious. i think its all related, like the doubting and anxiety and control.



steel cut oats (bobs red mill organic) in water, cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 banana, tbsp each raw walnuts
+ natures path organic flax-raisin-pumpkin crunch

i made these again :) slightly less chewy but i wasn't happy...i even had them on much lower? im not sure what i'm doing wrong. photo was from a morning at my family home last week i believe.

i actually spent a few days there (sunday and monday i guess) even though my parents were away, just because i was doing this work/internship thing and wanted to leave from home, not have to be washing dishes in the morning and when i got back (my apartment doesn't have one, at home we do though)...that sounds trivial but honestly it takes me so long and it was nice to come back and put things in the dishwasher, and cook something that took a bit longer. one of the nights my brother came :) it was nice, i made him quinoa (bob's red millllll) along with sweet corn, and we had sliced turkey. it was in a package, that new (ish) natural selections from maple leaf. bahh wait i think that might be a canadian company, but its made with few preservatives, for a packaged meat anyway. it tastes nice :) he kept saying, 'ohhh we're having quinoaa' (emphasis on the last syllable...kenwaaaaa) and i was like wtf why are you saying that :P oh funny story, well i was visiting a friend like over a year ago (im social as you can tell...) at her apartment in uni, and she had a little note on the fridge explaining the benefits of quinoa. and it said, "say kee-nwa", and i had no idea that was how it was pronounced. at the time i had never tried it but wanted to, and thought you pronounced it "kwenoa" or something. so i was so excited and said, ohh is it good, i want to try it! and she hadn't even had it. baha. and a few weeks ago my mom mentioned that my friends mom (her parents are friends with my parents) was getting her a cookbook filled with recipes made with quinoa. so i hope she's tried it by now, otherwise she just has a huge book of recipes to make with it.

there was supposed to be a video here. even though i know i'd regret it i made one, and it was long, i kept talking. i guess i had a lot to say (about nothing :p) but seriously, and i've tried to upload it many times, tooo many actually. maybe another time :/ i just wanted you to have a bit of a break in between all of these words. gahhh

i rarely have meat now, and its not just because i don't want to (often i don't want a lot of meat or prefer chicken/turkey...though i do like to have pasta sometimes when im back home with a tomato and meat sauce, because my mom makes it with a lower meat ratio, more tomatoes :P she's always done that. i also love the meatloaf recipe we've used for years. again, its not so much a meat loaf as a ...loaf? aha it is made with other ingredients and breadcrumbs and it just tastes sweet and nice, very flavourful. often meatloaf is actually like...well meat. and its much too dense. anyway...im rambling :/ the thing is, i don't have meat often, but i also don't have enough protein from other sources. so i enjoyed having that turkey :) i know i'm not getting enough of certain nutrients, and my iron and protein is low i'm sure. i just also get a bit freaky with cooking meat on my own, like i might mess up and get sick/get other people sick. i like salmon though, fresh i mean. and canned tuna, i just like the plain ones in water, solid albacore i think it is :P i wish i could find some that have the built-in openers...so i don't have to use a can opener :P they usually come in large sizes too and sometimes i see little tiny tuna's, like personal cans. so i should pick some up if i ever see them :) ...things like nuts and nut butters, cottage cheese. i have those but its not enough, i'd have to have tons of it to get the same protein as other sources. so i guess i have to choose, either have massive amounts of those high-fiber sources (which would kill me, and my stomach/intestines/etc...tmi) or branch out more and start having more meat. i know there are other sources, but i'm not limiting my intake of meat because i want to be veg, or for animal-rights, etc. reasons. what do you like to eat as far as protein goes? i need more ideas!

see, i feel like i have to have a grain with dinner. well dinner is always the big thing, where i feel im lacking in protein, but its a difficult meal to put together, finding the right things. i just have memories of dinner being this important meal. and i feel like i have to have a grain, veggie, protein. and its usually a grain (brown rice or ww quinoa, honestly i have that nearly every night)...or sometimes ww couscous but i thought perhaps a gluten free grain might be easier, since i have a lot of ibs issues. buts its like this routine now, i feel like i have to hav a grain. when i eat somewhere else, usually just at home as i don't go out to eat much, its not always like that. we might have something like pasta (rarely) or a potato (sweet or white, etc) as the 'starch' or whatever. but its very often brown rice or quinoa (along with salmon or chicken) since my mom often asks me what i would like. and she wants to make sure i'm eating enough, and i feel so awful like its catered to me. and my family doesn't really want to eat what i eat. i don't blame them i guess. but idk i sort of like what i eat. i guess its boring for some people. but im in a rut i guess and am scared to branch out for dinner especially.

and its just...i feel like i have so much to think about. when honestly its...food. sorry if this is triggering, i mean i'd understand if it was (and im so sorry if this is, honestly), thats my problem i get so caught up with other people and their concerns, and then they become mine. like the sugar thing, so i thikn about fat, cals sugar. and fiber for some reason, im like worried i will get too much and i hardly have veggies. even though im liely getting a lot from grains. i just have stomach/bowel issues, really tmi but i just worry about that...and honestly when i first started having issues with food, a long long long time ago :P well i just thought about fat. i didn't know about anything else and it didn't matter so much what was in it, sugar, salt, etc. just the fat. and i ate non whole wheat things sometimes, like bagels. i hear thats a huge fear food for people but i ate white bagels but freaked out about fat. and i remember my mom bought one that was like 1.5 instead of the 1.2 g per bagel and i nearly had a heart attack. ugh. i feel awful now. but i knew i couldn't round it down to one. so it would have to be two grams in my head. now that wouldn't bother me at all. i mean the white part perhaps...but like half a gram of fat? i guess i started worrying about other things and not so much the bit of fat in a white bagel :P

its just so exhausting, these aspects of food that consume us. the thing is i can't say, oh i should just not worry. because i need to be looking into it to make sure i'm eating the right things. so i know that, even putting my controlling thoughts, restrictions, etc obsessiveness aside...it's actually a good thing to be aware of this. but i never know what's enough. its like everything in my life that i've become concerned with "beyond the norm"...so food, weight, and other fears (like anxiety, the germ thing, sickness, whatever)...it's become too much. just too much of an obsession. so now im scared that i can't look at anything in a 'normal' way, or a rational way. and that i'll never be normal in a sense.

im not sure if anything in that last paragraph made any sense...i have so much trouble putting it into words (either explaining in person or writing it down)...but im wondering if anyone can relate i guess.

i'm sorry this was just a huge post of me asking for ideas, rambling about meat, etc. i didn't realise i had so much to say (write) on the subject :P and the video is long, and the post is long...im really sorry! i hope you're all doing okay, the holidays are coming!

xoxox

lots of love

jen