trying to 'un-learn'

hey lovelies :):)

why, hello there :) happy saturday to you...is it cold where you are? its cold here. i was out early (ish) this morning for a little run, and it was awful :P ahhh i was cursing mother nature each time a huge gust of bitter wind was thrown my way. but it was my choice to go out. well, partly, i felt like i had to. but im glad i did. after getting ready i had breakfast, and then sipped my coffee for a bit while reading harry potter & sitting next to my mom. she was reading "a tree grows in brooklyn", which she highly recommends. so i will probably read that soon. im just visiting home for a day or so. its nice to see my cat :) ahhh i love her she's so freaking cute :P

"banana-pb&chocolate-chip-oats"



plain instant oats with a banana, chopped almonds & cinnamon;
topped with part of a crumbled pb+chocolate larabar, shredded wheat bites and soymilk :)



ive only had chocolate of some sort once perhaps on oats, and its not really my thing, its a bit early for that + i dont want to feel sick :/ but this was just a little. i felt weird naming the oats chocolate, i'd rather say oatmeal with cinnamon, banana, almonds, with shredded wheat, crumbled larabar + soymilk. i just feel the need to explain that, idk i just feel weird putting something so "dessert" on my breakfast.

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something came to my attention, very strongly, almost in an itching way after reading emily's last post. i need to write something down, comment on hers, explain something or i would go crazy. it was a really weird feeling. maybe that's what writers feel like? i now understand that strong necessity to release something like words, which i've never before experienced. of course i have experienced it with emotion, and speaking aloud. but not writing. and i know i seem to be copying every inch of everyone in the blog world, which i honestly am not trying to do. i just feel like we (and many people in the blog world, especially these types of blogs) have so much in common. it's quite scary actually, but basically just strange, to read someone's entry and think. oh. my. god. that is me, i could have written that, i feel that...and maybe this is why i should be blogging. to figure out these thoughts, but also to try to connect to someone, to help someone. i never thought i would be doing this. i first started a blog because i had read two blogs in particular, and felt like i understood these girls, and i wanted to meet them. odd, yes. but i do that. throughout my life i often meet people and think, i want to be friends with them. and somehow i try to connect with them and make it work. is that weird? i find that it might sound creepy. but i think its just like trying to 'choose your friends'. anyway, often im wrong. and we end up drifting apart, or i don't really connect with them or the feeling doesn't end up being mutual. and then of course there are the friends that you become acquainted with almost by accident, and that's great as well.

but the point of this was, i do feel a bit lost and completely uncertain about my future. i used to have a plan, i always had a dream of what i wanted to do and i still do. but getting there seems impossible. i feel like i've come to terms with reality, and it's a bit ugly. it's not so simple anymore. from far away (or from a younger age, thirteen lets say) things seem so much more possible because there is such distance. the things i worried about then, i though, oh well when im older (say twenty..) i won't care, i'll be grown up and i'll be fine. that never happened. i only got worse, and the anxiety is stronger, the fears greater. but even when i challenge myself, do things that i don't want to do...well it's forced, right? i feel like i will never be who i used to be, now that i've experienced this sort of thing, developed these habits and thoughts and fears. it's like that saying, 'knowledge is power'. i don't think you ever lose it, so how can i possibly be happy? just forget everything? just tell myself i don't care, i'm not scared, i want to move on? i can't do it. i hate to be pathetic but it's true. and honestly i don't necessarily want to. i mean, i don't want to live in misery, but changing everything seems more daunting, and when nothing is certain, im scared to just take those risks in case nothing ends up improving. now that i've experienced these issues, disorders, thoughts, well this knowledge stays with me. it's like i have to "un-learn" everything in order to start new. but that means forgetting the past, and some of the memories were good. and i think that my issues, although not pleasant to go through, are a sort of control that i am so used to, that letting go is just like letting a part of me go. if i feel lost now, how lost will i feel then?

im sorry, i just had to say that. i feel like a fake. i mean, why am i writing this? why am i not doing anything? it's pathetic. and yet, im not where i want to be and i still look at myself and see such a need, a desire, for improvement. no matter what. and i don't think that will ever change. maybe i'm stubborn, but i just can't trust that things are going to be okay if i change, when i do make certain changes under someone else's guidance, and i get nothing...



im sorry that was endless. i always say too much, i write for too long, i over think. i've been told that on several occasions. "jen you over-analyse, chill out, you think too much, etc". well i'd rather do that than under-think, under-analyse, not think enough. i'm an emotional person i guess, and im really sensitive, and...yea, i think. a lot. maybe thats why i struggle with issues like anxiety, fears, eating...trying to control things?

last night while laying in bed i could not stop thinking about this. and just about my past in general, and of mental/emotional illnesses, something which i never understood when i was younger. i, like many people, looked down upon it, and thought that it referred to crazy people, and honestly the topic made me so uneasy. it scared me. the thing is that i hate to put labels on things, and i never like to say that i suffer from such-and-such, because its like im using it as a crutch, and i dont want it to define me. plus, im embarrassed. not so much on here (although i am scared to publish this post, i always doubt myself & don't know if i'm saying "too much")...but in real life. i guess i feel like an eating disorder is more "accepted" than something like anxiety, depression, ocd (i'm not saying that i suffer from all of these things. i'm not saying that i don't). but i used to judge people, because i just didn't know any better. i was ignorant. i am ignorant. i hate that mental illnesses have such a negative stigma attached to them. but its because people just don't understand. and i hate that i'm ignorant or judgmental toward similar issues & struggles because it's just so unfair for those going through that hell. so in a sense maybe i'm glad that, because i 've sort of experienced some of these more first hand, i've become more aware, more understanding, and less ignorant.

wow. what a lovely topic for a saturday afternoon ;( im sorry. actually, im not. i need to stop doing that. because no one is forcing me to share my opinions, to write, to blog. i put this upon myself. i am my own enemy, and i am the one that hurts myself. no one else can be blamed for my struggles. i have so many thoughts crammed in my mind that it's hard to concentrate sometimes, so i need to get them out. i just feel like i can never express them well, like other bloggers, and i need to stop comparing myself to others, i need to stop wishing my life were different, that i was better, prettier, smarter, more intelligent, more articulate, thinner, thinner, thinner...healthier, more liked & loved, normal. because, in my eyes, i never will be. i keep thinking if i just change...work harder, then i will be happier. happy. but it never happens. i have these dreams in my head that are not obtainable. i think that's why i suffer from these "illnesses" (though, like i said, i hate to say that, because many people feel like that's cheating, that's a crutch). but im not excusing myself because of them, im merely using the labels to explain my behaviour at times. i will take the blame, and i end up dealing with the consequences. but i always want to be something else because i don't like who i am. and i don't know how to change that, i don't want to accept something that i'm not truly happy with, and proud of.

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on a more positive note, i just baked a few things :) you see, i usually make a treat for my mom, dad & brother, an individual goodie to go along with their store-bought present. so today i made snickerdoodles for my dad, peanut butter cups for my brother...and next time i will make almond-raisin biscotti for my mom. but shhhhhh...don't tell them ;P

lots of love

jen

xox