why am i so blue?

hey lovelies :):)

the day after christmas ;(

i woke up unrested & so drained, i felt like i had not slept. but i had planned a little run to try to feel a bit refreshed & maybe a bit happier? it didn't work. but nonetheless, i returned, showered & dressed and stumbled downstairs to put together something nourishing, in the hopes that it would make me feel slightly human. it helped a bit, and i managed to capture it's character with my camera :)

"banana honey almond-ed" oatmeal


plain oats with banana, cinnamon&ginger, almonds, shredded wheat, the bees knees pb+cp and milk

i thought that might be the cure. but something still wasn't right. why am i so sad? ...i asked myself.

i'm actually used to the whole "christmas blues", it happens every single year. even when i was younger, i would anticipate this day, look forward to it with excitement. it was almost surreal. and i would try to prolong the opening of gifts as, for some reason, that signified the end to me. it wasn't the presents, i didn't need those. but the whole feeling of Christmas would suddenly come to an end. and i would feel so lost and sad and just didn't understand why. i've been told that many people feel that, and children experience that same sadness...but surely not to such an extreme? i know that i'm different, and that i'm not normal. and i knew, then, that this wasn't ordinary end-of-holidays sadness.

yesterday began like any other. i woke up and realised that i didn't feel that excitement, giddiness. i've felt it each year of my life, and it was missing. i knew it was Christmas, i was happy. but i didn't feel happy. i have no reason to be this down. the morning continued on, stockings were opened, there was coffee :)

it was Christmas. i was with my family, in the midst of opening gifts and even enjoying a chocolate.

i just realised how odd this photo is, an oxymoron in picture form :)

we paused to have a little nibble while jennifer made breakfast...



oatbran & oats, cinnamon, ginger, almonds banana, vanilla...

...and continued to open gifts, smile, hug, and just enjoy Christmas. when it was all over, i was prepared to feel a bit down. but i wasn't expecting such a huge blow. suddenly, i felt so empty inside, and could only feel fear for the evening to come, where i would have dinner at my cousin's new house, and a few members of my extended family. i was moody and went downstairs to try to watch a Christmas film. hoping that it would lift my spirits. why was i feeling so sad? i didn't get it. my behaviour was not unnoticed by my family, and while i went for a walk with my parents, my dad simply asked me to "try to look happy". i responded with something along the lines of "i'm unhappy nearly every day, and put a smile on my face...at least let me be honest with you". what a bitch. why would anyone want to be with someone like that? i have no reason to be like this, to feel like this, to act like this. and spending the evening with my aunt, who had just lost her husband, should have at least taught me something.

that life is just too short. it's too short to be sad, and to be fearful, and to be angry and bitter and negative. but i don't chose to be like this...i would say to myself. the feelings seem to come from some place else. i would gladly give my life to my uncle, who was clearly loved by so many people, as i witnessed during his funeral on friday. every single speech was heartfelt, and i watched with sadness as his close friends commented on his courage, his determination, his strength. and each person asked us to stop putting things off, to spend time with family, to live for each moment. it sounded so simple. but i couldn't do it.

last evening, as we were about to head home, my aunt realised that we had not spoken of her husband once that evening. 'we didn't even make a toast to sam', she said in horror. my mom, wanting to bring his name into our minds that evening, asked my aunt how long he was in the hospice for. 'two weeks..' was her response. she kept shaking her head, and finally said, 'they told me two months'...and she started to cry. i keep hearing those words in my mind today, the look on her face when she said that...i suddenly realised what she was trying to say, she felt robbed. there is such a huge different between two weeks and two months. sure, the end will be unbearable whenever it comes, but two weeks? it wasn't fair.

i guess i don't have a point to this. i don't know why im sad. but i know that i shouldn't be like this, life is not that hard. and i hate that i can spend so much time writing a stupid entry about my own sadness, instead of spending time figuring out how i can improve. i can make lists and plans and goals, but that's just something in my head, another image of what i want to be. and it's all so simple when you look at it from a certain point of view. but when i get into these moments, and feel that sadness, the goals and plans and lists don't really matter. all i can really think about is why am i so fucking sad?

of all the times that i could leave you with such a sad note, i chose the day after Christmas. but i really didn't plan this. every aspect of my life seems so planned, and i think about exactly what i want to do and when i want to do it. so when my routine is altered (which is most of the time, but of course that's only natural) i have trouble adjusting. i had hoped to write something merry, but this just sort of came out today.

but i do hope you enjoyed spending time with your families this holiday, whether you celebrate one or the other :)

xox love jen