breakfasts with my many thoughts

hey lovelies :):)

it’s cold and sunny today, quite a change from yesterday’s mild and foggy weather. and it was snowing earlier, large fluffy flakes falling from the partly sunny sky :)

today’s breakfast was a lovely bowl of cold cereal:

shredded wheat, plain cheerios and alpine swiss muesli, along with natural almonds, golden raisins, sliced banana and almond milk. with cinnamon & ginger of course.

no photo, as it didn’t look very lovely, even though it tasted good. the silk regular almond milk, which i never have, is the same one that my mom bought for the rice pudding recipe last week, so im using it up as  no one else drinks it. plus, i didn’t have to buy more milk this way! i usually have (cows) skim to drink, or on my cereal at least. this almond milk was a bit of a challenge because i usually have skim or 0% soy, and i guess im used to not much fat from milk on my cereal. partly i thought it was easier on my stomach maybe, but also its a food fear thing. it was creamy, but not the unpleasant heavy creamy sense like i would associate with milk fat, and i actually liked it! i kept reasoning with myself, as i eat almonds all the time and they obviously contain fat. but i am not sure i can tolerate this, stomach-wise. maybe it will improve with time?

how awkward are my titles? im so embarrassed actually, but i realise they’re nothing witty, i just like to make a title that isn’t, “wednesday january eighteenth” like i used to. 

i finally uploaded a few breakfast photos from the past little while.

(eaten & enjoyed at home, with the same coffee mug and table)

all were quick or instant plain quaker oats, microwaved or with a kettle :) i actually like that sometimes, instead of old fashion oats or oats on the stove top. plus, these were all early running days, so i wanted something that would not take too long to prepare as i was really hungry!

so, what have you all been up to lately? i must admit, i’ve been bad. well, not great. not trying, not positive, not motivated. it sucks and it will change i promise.

i’ve been having such mixed feelings and emotions lately regarding eating. in advance, this will be really awkward and maybe triggering, and please don’t attack me. but on one hand, say i’ll have something, but not all of it because i’m afraid it will make me sick (so at this point im not thinking about weight at all). and then i’ll think, no jen eat it all of course, its not much and maybe you’re stomach is always upset because you don’t eat enough. but then i realise that most people don’t eat when they feel sick, plus im eating more than i did pre-ed and i do virtually no exercise, its pretty awful. so whatever i choose, my mind (on one hand) tries to justify it or make me feel better, with either “its good you didn’t eat it all because you’re probably just going to feel ill” or… “ good, you ate all that so now you’ll have more energy”, etc. and i’m not NOT eating in general, i don’t like to mention calories because everyone is different and i know i’ll be judged no matter what. but my breakfasts are quite sufficient, and i eat often, snack and meals. its just that some meals are small, and my dinner is often the same amount of calories as my dessert/evening snack. its like i hate feeling full and it make me scared, not so much about weight concerns, but that i’ll get sick.

i don’t know it this makes any sense at all but i feel like i need to say it, justify something, get some advice. and that’s why i’ve been looking at the calorie count forums, where most of the girls (boys too) are eating much more and in recovery. and the amounts scare me so much but it reassures me that i can have more. yet, some people cannot eat that much, i mean some people go into a phase in recovery (if they’ve been on a starvation diet which i haven’t unless im sick) where they need high amounts of calories to maintain or gain. so then i think, well jen you don’t need that! you’re not a teenager and you’re hardly moving at all (and this is not ed talking i promise)…because i’d  probably gain on (using numbers now) 2000+, i maintained on just above that but i was at a higher weight. so im so confused. i know that people saw we need much more, but im not active and im getting older. and before any ed stuff i swam a lot but never had like 3000+ calories and i was maintaining at a higher weight. again, im sorry for this but im just so confused and i keep looking at it in opposite ways and im trying to justify my decisions, reassure myself each time yet i feel like im lying to myself. ugh i don’t know what to think and i hate being this scared and not assured all the time, most people just eat, drink and be merry. i mean they don’t freak out about every fucking choice, but i feel so scared like my body is just going to react a certain way. since i’ve been getting really awful stomach symptoms (lately like severe nausea, i mean debilitating) i am terrified to “upset” it (quite literally too) so i feel like i’m not in control of anything, especially my body.

okay, i never like to talk about the eating thing as if it were another person. i never say ohh my eating disorder says this…etc because, well im not entirely sure i even have one. but also i never felt like it was a separate thing controlling me, i felt like it was me, always me, but different parts of me…like the anxious and stressed jennifer, the self-conscious part, the obsessive part, the part of me that wants to be in control or wants to be thin. does that make sense? i just don’t like reading things when people talk about it like it’s another person, a monster, because it makes me so uncomfortable. but, that being said, i know that many people feel like that is what their ed is, and i fully appreciate that. everyone is different.

today’s outfit, though i was really hesitant to post it because of how i look. and my legs. see im never going to be happy, and i know they look big or normal or whatever. ldskjfdlj. but i wanted to post it and there’s not point in pretending i look any different than i do, right? it’s hard to be pleased though, that’s for sure. i know i’ll never like my lower half unless im like a lot lower than i am, which would make me less healthy, and even then i’m sure i wouldn’t be content. the sad thing is, that i used to never wear tights or leggings or skirts, i love them now. but i only wore skinnies (jeans) as i thought they, at least, made my legs look a bit smaller. but i just have short legs, with muscle and not straight up and down. and soon i won’t want to wear tights or skirts or anything like that. and i hate how my weight sort of limits how i can dress. and i know i’ll likely never stop envying other people and their bodies. even though i know that i can never really change, because this is how i am built. many people believe that eating issues are usually not about weight, or just about weight. i guess that can be true, but for me, i think its largely (bad choice of word, but it fits) about that for me. except maybe the food controlling and restrictions and size or limitations. that’s always been a thing.

i failed, once again, to bring you something short and sweet. it’s never short, and it’ve never sweet. i admire other writers and bloggers (i should not consider myself a writer bahaha) who can produce lovely simple yet captivating posts, it gives a sense of calm, and i love how they can get so much across in such a short space. is it a bit too much to read? please be honest! i want people to want to read this, even though that might be a high expectation. and i know that a lot of writing and thoughts, especially about weight and possibly detailed descriptions might be triggering. but this just seems natural, at least this post, and i don’t feel like im forcing something else…sort of like what i used to do in my early posts.

i hope you all have a lovely wednesday :)

xoxoxoxoxox