chilly days & catching up…

 

hey lovelies :):)

wow, it’s very cold out today. the temperature suddenly dropped very low, though i was prepared because of the weather network, channels, news and so on. i had planned a run and was determined to do it today, and knew that i’d likely not want to go out later on with this forecast.

it was about minus twenty or so with a wind-chill making it feel like nearly minus thirty. that’s celsius and im not sure what the conversion is so this might not mean anything to you. but it was cold, just trust me. i couldn’t feel my face and my brain felt smushed when i got back :/ i’m not sure if you’ve had that feeling, it happens to me when i swim in our lake deep down where the water is the coldest. sort of like its frozen inside your head. i can’t describe it well obviously. it wasn’t as bad as i thought though, and the only parts of me that were cold were the uncovered areas. my headband thing shrunk so i didn’t have something to cover my ears ;( stupid jen..

anyway, once i sort of de-thawed and got ready for my day, i enjoyed a warm bowl of oats with various toppings and what not. i found this photo though, which i thought was cute. i think it’s ‘porridge’ though, which could mean any type of oat or hot cereal. but it looks yummy to me.

my bowl was plain oats with cinnamon&ginger, ripe banana, almonds, topped with crystallized ginger, shredded wheat squares and some milk

i don’t know why i’m doing this, but i feel like i want to post a lot more often now. even if they’re never read, i feel a bit accomplished once i do this. initially, i was looking forward to writing something. but i’ve just had a few things added to my to-do list and possibly some work this week which im stressing about because i have a few important appointments and in terms of emotional and physical health, i’m just not at my best. it’s pathetic though, i obviously need to be working, and if something like the above is stressing me out i need to just get over it. but i can’t help it. im a bit of a wreck now, i feel like my week is a bit jumbled and i like having things somewhat planned (even if things, like my own issues and symptoms usually get in the way and disrupt my life) so when i get some news, well let’s just say im not very flexible or spontaneous. i just don’t think i was born that way :/

ugh i don’t know what to do. and now im just going to be pissed off at myself for writing something so negative again. i seem to have difficulty refraining from doing this…even though no one is holding a gun to my head telling me to press publish.

something new, change the subject jen…(i talk to myself i think…) well i’ve been looking at a few blogs that i had not come across before. but most of them are finished, or the author hasn’t updated for a while. but i’m trying to motivate myself and it’s quite fun to read blogs because they can be inspiring, and i can relate to some of the things that they discuss. i’m not sure if it’s healthy though, as i usually find myself either wanting to buy certain products & goodies, and/or wanting to look more like the author, not really look but like, ugh well idk body-wise maybe? it’s something i used to do a lot, but not lately. even if it’s in an unhealthy way. and the thing is, im supposed to be gaining confidence and feeling more comfortable with myself and with life. and this probably won’t do the trick. i’m not a good influence…on myself. seriously, i mean sometimes i just need to give myself a shake, because it’s almost like i cause most of my own problems! not all of them though, i don’t think that’s fair. i’ve been feeling so sick lately and i get awful stomach symptoms and stress and anxiety, and i don’t want to feel like this at all. and i hope i’m not inflicting it upon myself…?

i just feel a bit sad, because this morning for once i sort of felt okay, and my day wasn’t going downhill too much, but suddenly it is and im feeling not so great. i hate how i can’t handle even one extra ounce of stress or pressure. im normally very anxious, and then certain things make it go skyyyy high. and it’s honestly debilitating. and i’m getting some help with that but nothing seems to be working and i know most of it is because of me. and it becomes frustrating, not just for be but for my family and any support-system that i have…how do you deal with stress? i know a lot of you are in school, which comes with it’s own stressors i know! but i get very anxious about a lot of things, not necessarily things that would stress a normal person out…if you’re understanding me at all. i know i can get wordy.

once again, well i’m sorry for being negative. but i guess this is my own blog, and that’s sort of what it is here for. but i hope to continue to improve and become happier and more independent so that i can report on something much more positive and uplifting. because i hate to be a debbie downer, and i also just feel a bit embarrassed, because i’m telling people about the negative things in my life and i’m definitely not improving my reputation around here. but until then, i hope you’ll continue to read these, and i really promise that i will improve.

i hope you’re all doing well :)

xox love jen