thoughts on a tuesday morning

hey lovelies :):)

how are you all doing?

this morning’s breakfast was a lovely bowl of cold cereal.

shredded wheat, plain cheerios, alpine swiss muesli, 1/2 banana, tbsp golden raisins, natural raw almonds & skim; sprinkled with cinnamon&ginger :)

today i’m planning to go visit my house and do a bit of…housework/chores. random, but i’m also looking after it a bit while my parents are away, and they have a few things that they want checked. i hope to stay there overnight, but i’ll be leaving my cat ;( oh well, my brother is here. she’s staying with us (cat) while my parents are away as well. but i feel badly when i leave her, especially when i’m supposed to be looking after her. i don’t mean like every hour on the hour, etc. but overnight, i usually realise that i’m lonely when i stay over there, but it’s a bit fun to get away from my apartment with my brother. they have more tv channels in the evening :P ah jk. sort of. i don’t watch that  much i promise! but i also feel as though its still my home, and i have things there and will probably do laundry over there.

i’ve been having larabars recently. i have a few from a while ago, and some from christmas. i buy a few at a time and then eat them in stages. i get so excited to buy them, but eating them seems like a bit deal. im not entirely sure why though.

yesterday i had a favourite, but unfortunately they don’t have them in canada yet :/ this was from when i went to new york. yes, that was in october…:P i don’t like the cashew one that much but i love this one. yet it’s virtually the same? the addition of salt maybe changes it. because i know it’s not the chocolate chips since i don’t normally like those. anyway it’s good. it is a bit chewier and less crumbly than my favourite, the peanut butter or peanut butter chocolate chip ones. but i think that’s why it has a similar texture to cookie dough.

another one of my favourites :) peanut butter (or peanut butter cookie in the states); this photo was of the first larabar i tried in that flavour, over a year and a half ago i believe. and it was a pb cookie from a friend in the states :P so it was true to it’s name. i love how it;s dry + crumbly yet flavourful like a yummy peanut butter cookie.

well, i’ve had really conflicting thoughts recently. actually i always have them, but they’ve been worse lately. i had a naturopath appointment recently, as i thought (and my therapist) it might help my stomach ailments. i had previously visited one but they are quite expensive. she took my blood pressure and my weight, but asked if i wanted to not see the number: “a lots of people get stressed out about that and would rather just not know”. i said that she could just look at it herself, but when i stepped backward onto the doctor-style scales i regretted my stupid decision. i thought that i might be loads heavier because i always am at doctors versus an at-home scale, plus the one we have at home is old and i always add a few pounds onto it to feel like it’s legitimate. but the thing is, i’d rather know it then anyone else. so i was just standing there as she recorded it and i was thinking, fuck i want to know it. know i don’t know but she does, and she’ll tell my doctor, etc. i sort of forgot about it and honestly assumed i’d be five pounds more at least (typical, plus i step so slowly on them when im alone and sort of bounced right onto this one)) as it was a doctors scale. but she apparently told my therapist my weight and bp. now, that’s sort of like german to me. i don’t know what the numbers mean (xx over xx), and i couldn’t recall it when my mom asked. i remembered an eighty but not the other. but my doctor called my parents to say that she was worried, and i found out that the number was a bit scary-low. honestly, i think it’s a combination of stress, and that she took it right as i sat up. and often it doesn’t go back to normal when i change from sitting/standing, etc. still though the number was low and now im a bit worried. i didn’t want to mention this on here because, for one, it’s numbers and just sort of personal. also, i feel like i’m boasting (in a sick manner...because who wants someone to be concerned for your health) and yet now doing anything about it. your’e probably thinking, ‘wow okay…so you have poor results and you’re still not getting better or doing anything about it’.

also, i mentioned to my doctor that i was having at least a certain amount of cals per day (to my therapist) and that i had possibly reduced by 100-200 since last fall or so. and she thought that the number was pretty high, which made me doubt myself. and i hate how i think this way. i thought i wasn’t that much, yet for most people that amount of calories is a lot. and even before i developed eating issues i’m sure i didn’t eat that much. and i don’t want to be constantly defending myself and telling people that actually that’s not that much food, or that i need more, etc. i don’t want to be consuming a number that seems high for people. i know that sounds silly, and that i just need to do what’s right for me. but the problem is that i have no idea what is right for me. i don’t know what’s ‘right’ anymore. when i was younger i didn’t count anything like that, i just ate when i was hungry,  often when i wasn’t because i did competitive swimming. but i’ve always been conscious of what other people think of my diet/intake. and if my therapist thinks that this number is okay, or high enough…then i’d feel gross having more. does this make any sense? and i see her for my anxiety and other issues like that, not anything ed related. i never speak about it unless she prompts me with something. so i’m not required to gain or lose or anything like that. yet, i guess.  but she just said, ‘don’t lose anymore okay?’

i’ve never consciously gained though, only when my intake was low and i would just eat a bit and then randomly have a lot, and my metabolism was fucked up and i gained back most of what i had lost (at age 15). so those are the memories i have of gaining, and the more i gained, the more disgusting i felt. the more i just wanted to lose so badly. im sorry if this is triggering. but i guess when you’re in ip or something like that, people are making you gain so it seems like its not your fault? i mean, in both cases, you’re gaining weight. but if it’s being forced you can think, okay i wouldn’t do this to myself it’s someone else’s choice. it just all comes down to the regret thing. for such a long time i could not lose, either i gained or maintained. and now that i’ve lost, i don’t want to consciously gain because i have this fear that  i’ll keep gaining and never will be able to lose anything. so part of me is like, jen no don’t mess this up or you’ll suddenly gain and feel awful, wishing you had stayed where you were. i realise that it has to be my choice, my decision, in order to fully recover and be happy with myself. but i know i’ll be so unhappy and hate my body and everything. i don’t know how to be happy with myself, but i know that if i’m not…well i won’t be able to live life normally and have a career because i’ll always despise my appearance. i realise that there is so much more to life than this, however the way that someone thinks about themselves is also important. confidence, or lack of confidence, plays a huge role in whether someone can be successful, happy, etc.

ughlskdfj okay end rant. i hope this wasn’t crazy confusing. i have a horrible habit of, like, not making any sense. seriously. i think i am making sense but then i realise that i’m just not and people are thinking, whaaa? i just feel very odd spilling all these thoughts because i’ve never really talked about my issues regarding weight and food and history on here. plus, so many people that i used to talk to or blogs that i read are not there anymore. and those that are there focus on other things. because they want to think about something other than this disease that makes them feel like shit. which makes sense. i just feel so embarrassed because i have like no life. and i want to give you something positive to read, i really do! i’m realising that i have so many habits and try to control and plan things, that if my day goes differently i get so anxious. but i’ll need to change this a little bit when i work. and i feel like people are reading this thinking, what the hell does she do? i’m searching for a career right now and i’m currently doing a little internship. otherwise i’m just trying to get through each day. how pathetic is that? i am so anxious and honestly each day seems like a struggle. but when i look back i realise that i haven’t accomplished much, even though i seemed to be doing so many things. it’s not as though i’m relaxing…but i do have a bit of time. i think it just takes me a long time to do things…

ahhh okay i’m going to stop now before i create a novel. i hope you’re all doing well, and i’d really love to hear from some of you :)

xoxox