careless choices & close calls

hey lovelies :):)

shredded wheat, special k crisp rice, banana, golden raisins, tbsp raw almonds, peanuts & pumpkin seeds, with cinnamon, ginger and skim milk ;)

happy st valentine's day!

i forgot it was today, probably because i don’t have a valentine. phffft, that’s fine though, i’ve actually never been in a relationship on valentine’s day. through christmas, once…but yea most of my flings were just, well, flings, not too long-lasting. that’s a bit sad i think ;(

oh gosh, well sunday evening was eventful and unpleasant. i can’t stop thinking about it, reliving the moment (sounds and visuals) in my head…i can’t stop it, it comes so suddenly and i try to shut it out. my grandmother was over for a family dinner at our house with my mom, dad, brother and me. nothing special, it happens every little while, we had a nice dinner and i was clearing up dishes while the other ate ice cream and watched the grammies. my dad was insistent that he’d see the dedications to whitney (rip) so he went down and left my grandmother (granny, we call her..) on the second level to finish her dessert. i don’t know why im going into this much detail, but it’s as though i have to write it down, and as i’m doing this i can picture the whole thing in my mind, it’s a bit scary. but she got up and went to the washroom, and headed down on her own. she was using a cane, and she’s normally okay but just a bit unsteady. i wanted to let her do it on her own because she likes to feel independent (don’t we all?) but this particular incident…well, she should have had someone, and my dad had even told her firmly that he’d come and get her so they could go down together. well, i head something light fall on the ground which caught my attention so i looked up, just as my granny had sort of spun around facing me, holding onto the railing…and then she just went down. from my point of view i saw her begin to fall back, and i just froze, i was in the other room and could never have run to get her, i keep telling myself this. but she literally fell backward down a massive flight of wooden stairs. and i had no idea what the fuck had just happened but i’m telling you that was one of the scariest moments of my life: seeing the before, hearing the aftermath yet not knowing what she looked like.  i saw her face before she fell and i just thought, ohhh shit. i heard the banging for like five seconds, followed my my mother and brother’s terrifying yells and screams…so i had not idea what to expect. i assumed she had died, i just won’t go into detail to tell you what i envisioned had happened, its too gruesome. but i was terrified to go down so i just ran across the room essentially hyperventilating while my brother ran upstairs to call 911, and told me, jen it’s fine (although he looked sheet white and about to cry pretty much). so i knew i could go and see what had happened. anyway, she ended up going in the ambulance, and what not and as of now she’s actually okay. in the emerge still but somehow she has no broken anything, or internal bleeding, spine is okay. she’s bruised everywhere apparently but i have no idea how she managed to escape that. but, …it was just not nice, and i keep thinking, what if…i mean i can’t believe it. such a stupid stupid stupid thing. i mean anyone could fall down the stairs, and looking back now of course i never want her to go down stairs again. yet, it could really happen to anyone, and it was just a very unlucky incident. bi just keep reliving it, and i thought i was in a movie, it was so strange. that sort of thing has never happened before. i can’t stop having the images and sounds go through my mind, and i keep thinking, what if…she had died, or it was much worse. i mean how the hell did she not fall on her neck?

i need to change topics. i felt like i had to write that down, im not sure if it helps. it seems masochistic almost, you don’t want to think about it, yet you can’t stop thinking about it. and it seems so fresh it my mind.

…oh, happy belated second birthday to this blog :) it was on the twelfth i think. i haven’t come that far in two years. but yet it surprises me that so much time has gone by.

i finally got my probiotics again, though i had to trek (actually my dad drove me, which was kind!) to another health shoppe in a different part of the city. i hate it when your normal store stops getting something that you sort of rely on. it’s annoying, and i think this was slightly more expensive than the one there too :/ boo. it’s actually a huge pain, i was just there again today, i bought a few bar things for a treat, they’re a bit expensive so i can’t have them on a regular basis. and i got some light (colour) liquid honey, but i was looking for this product that my naturopath recommended, not a supplement. we figured out that something like that won’t be a good idea (except i take probiotics but that’s something i’ve done for over a year) because of my stomach and what not, and taking something less often might help with the anxiety-induced symptoms. bah idk its confusing but she also is in the same office as my therapist so they work together. but i couldn’t find it and had to order it in. i checked online and it doesn’t seem too expensive, plus it’s a power and you take it when you want to, so that means that i could make it last a while and i don’t have to be taking a certain amount each day, which would make it more pricey (like probiotics ugh). but, yea…it’s a bit annoying since i won’t be able to start it until they get it in. oh well, i hope that’s okay with her. i am just boring you with all these details about my life ;P

i hope you’re having a great love day, and that you get some sort of treat, chocolate, i want cinnamon hearts so badly right now…actually for like a week or so i’ve been wanting them. and i haven’t even seem them in stores, it’s odd. so if you have some, send them my way ;P no im just kidding. they’re a valentine’s day treat though right? i remember for most of elementary school i would get a bunch of those cards and give one to each person in my class. i have this memory of me sitting at the kitchen counter at my old, old, old place in huntsville, writing one to like thirty people and attaching a chocolate kiss to each one! i think i had to narrow it down to just friends later on, and then i probably stopped in grade five or so. i do remember getting my first ‘secret admirer’ card in grade two. his name was louis, and i liked him after that so we were attached i guess…but not really. i have him on facebook though, i think he’s been with the same girl for a while which is sweet :)

anyway, that’s all…i hope you’re doing well, and i’ll talk to you later

xoxox