no, i won’t grow up

hey lovelies :):)

is anybody there? i miss you all, but i am sure that you’re just busy and having fun, right?

happy february :) it still shocks me when i realise how much time is going by, i can’t believe i’ve been living in my apartment now for over a year. time seems to go by agonizingly slow during some moments…yet, i often find myself looking back, so confused and sad, wondering what the hell just happened. i know i will regret it when i get even older and find myself, yet again, not in the place that i want to be. but sometimes even that fear, isn’t enough to motivate me to change my ways and just move on.

i feel slightly strange posting, just because i don’t know where everyone has gone. i know that fewer updates can mean something positive (as in, you’re too busy having fun and living life) and not simply that something is wrong. but it makes me a bit sad, and i feel ashamed to admit this. that i have a tough time dealing with change, and moving on, forward. i long for things from the past, like memories and people that i used to talk to, and places that i used to go to. i find myself often looking through old blogs with authors that i never got to ‘meet’ because they left the [blog'] world before i even made an [i’ll admit, minor] appearance. and i just cannot move on. i can’t move forward or leave things in the past, whether the memories are good ones or bad ones…and i think that might be why im not doing that well, and why i have such a tough time letting go of habits, and ideas in my head.

but i am so terrified that i’ll look back on this time, i know i will, and be filled with more regrets. i hate it. i hate looking back on the past…oh, i don’t know, eight, nine years just hating what i’ve done. or what i haven’t done. before then, i would look back and remember happy times. and i want to do that, i want to look back and smile, not hate myself even more. and, as we get older, i know those mistakes get bigger and they’re so much harder to fix…and sometimes we can’t fix them. yet, why the hell can’t i just see that? i don’t understand it. i think it just feels to risky to change what im doing to please others, and to do what’s likely best for me…because it means that i have to do even more things that i don’t like, and i don’t want to endure that. i guess the future sort of seems so far ahead. i don’t know why i can’t learn from my mistakes. i can’t even explain myself properly now. but, its not like a story, or a book, that you can just re-read over and over and it never changes. you might get something new out of it each time, but it’s still going to be there and stay that way no matter what. i don’t even care how lame that analogy was, because it nearly explains what i’m feeling. and i do that…i re read books that i love, over and over, and i love films. and…honestly i think that’s one of the reasons i love to act. but i think it’s the wrong reason, wanting to be other people, to escape, being someone else is okay, but only if you’re also living your own life. you cannot just live through a book or a movie or a story. i don’t think that’s healthy yet i sort of do it all the time.

but i don’t want this to be another negative update, because i know how difficult those are to read. and often i just have to stop reading someone’s blog for a bit, and i feel so guilty, because it’s not fair to them…and it’s hypocritical because i do the same thing. so, i will move on to more happy subjects…like yummy eats & gingersnap larabars…that’s just what i’ve been thinking about this past week ;P i had one of two, only two (!!!) lovely gingersnap bars and made it last a little while. yet i was nonetheless sad to finish it off…i have one left though.

i’ve been taking photos a bit more often, which makes me happy i guess. i’m not that good though, i know that lighting is a huge contributor to successful photography, but mine are never that nice, even though i keep trying to practice and work on things like composition. though i don’t think have have grasped that concept yet :/

gingersnap oatmeal—> old fashion oats cooked in water, cinnamon & ginger with 1/2 ripe banana, 5 natural raw almonds chopped + topped with part of a gingersnap larabar, crystallized ginger and a few tbsp almond milk :)

that bar is amazing, flavour-wise it smells so heavenly. i only have one left from new york in october, i saved them for a long time. i hope they come here but i doubt it, as the cinnamon roll never did and it’s retired now. likewise with the pistachio, and the cocoa-mole i think. but ohhh my god okay i thought it was a spicy chocolate, like with peppers or something, but then i just learned that it’s cinnamon??? i don’t like spicy things but i love cinnamon and ginger. i love love love loveee ginger ;)

anyway, that’s about it ;P … so, please just let me know how you’re all doing, im dying here ;P and maybe you can give me a little (big) shove and shake me and scream “WAKE UP JEN”…

because i’m just dancing, dreaming here…not really thinking about reality or clearly realising what i’m doing to myself and to my future. i really don’t want to regret things anymore, and i don’t want to look back and wish that i’d changed when i had the chance.

so long lovies ;) and i will talk to you all later, much love xoxox