awake and dreaming

hi there :) how is everyone doing??

okay ;( ..so! have been going back and forth in my mind, trying to decide if i should write. initially, i didn't miss it or feel the need to do this, there was no 'absence'...but today it sort of came back. and i wanted to write. i haven't been doing that well, and i have not been very positive. i've actually been extremely pessimistic and negative toward a lot of things, and i hate sharing that sort of mood. i said that i would wait until something good happened, but---lets be real---that could take a while. i hope this update is good enough, even though i sort of broke my promise.

anyway, i sort of have nothing to say. i thought i did, but when i actually began to write...i have nothing :/ i'm not really sure how much i should be sharing, or how much i want to share...i just feel worried that someone might ask why i'm doing this, like what is my point. because writing down what im doing or how im doing, what im not doing...is sort of asking for some sort of attention, either advice or something else, and im not really doing that. so i guess i feel like i would just be asking for some sort of comment, and i always get really anxious, wondering what people will say or assume or think. does that make any sense at all?

i guess i'd rather just ignore the shit that's going on...well, i can't do that. but, on here at least, i can just sort of mosy on past, beat around the bush, you know? ;P i sound like the biggest tard right now. i just don't know what to do! and im not sure why i write here, so if anyone has some sort of reason for me...that would be good.

(easter) mini eggs & earl grey tea ;) with a splash of cinnamon and milk.

but i love this wrapper so much that, well i took a few photos with it, and it's now one of my bookmarks. it worse well as a bookmark though, and its cute. i know someone told me that the fact that i collect wrappers is weird. i don't collect them really, i just like the look of pretty ones like this, and larabars. and i often start using them as bookmarks. whatever...some people just fold corners all the time. actually i do that :O i try not to. especially in new books. my mom freaks out when i do it to her recipe books, so i don't do that anymore.

... i just feel really ashamed, and lately i just feel embarrassed, at myself i guess. or with myself, sorry. when im out, i just feel like people are staring, pitying me. and i don't know why, sometimes i just see myself and other times i just think that i look ridiculous. partly because im not that young, i just feel so ashamed and ridiculous that i'm not doing well at all...i look like a kid sometimes and this is a time when i need to be strong and intelligent and successful, or at least moving in that direction. but it's the opposite. i know that i need to change, i know that i cannot continue this way, i am making changes actually! but the thing is, it's so hard. and i don't know how i let it get this way. i mean, literally, small things are challenging. i look back a few years and wonder how i did certain things then, things that i can't do now, or that cause me huge amounts of extreme anxiety and panic and sickness. that that thought, or that idea/notion (that what im supposed to be doing seems impossible and really scary) probably freaks me out the most. but i cannot let my family suffer more emotionally because of me. and they can't support me anymore, i need to be independent, but i don't think i can do it. there...i said it and yea i know that's pathetic but its the truth.

im not quite sure if i do actually look that awful...i know that often your family makes it seem like things are really bad, but its a bit of an extreme thing. i know that my view of myself is probably different, not because i see something different but i have my own, like 'ideal'...i can't even describe it. but we see ourselves as the same person that others see, but since we have our own idea of what we want to be, or how we would like to look, or...something like that. ugh this is pissing me off so much, i can't even write anymore :( i think i've become less intelligent (not that i was intelligent before). okay, i'll simplify it even more. if i want to look like this, or that, or weight this...and it's obviously not what my mom would like me to be (just an example)...then i won't have the same reaction as she would when i lose a bit. i guess i just don't quite know what i look like anymore, and i don't know if im ever going to be okay with that. and, as much as i know that it's not really important, is is though. i mean confidence is key, really, you can't walk around, trying to work and succeed while hating yourself. it shows on the outside. part of the reason why i ever developed this issue in the first place was because i literally hated parts of myself, physically self, body, legs, blah, whatever. there could have been other reasons, but i know that a huge part of it was because i wanted to change. and that has not changed. i always want to be feeling or looking or doing something that i'm not.

my drugged up kitty :) she's quite lovely though, and has been staying with us (my brother and me) when my parents have been away, or when work is being done on their home, and soon when they go away for a few weeks. my brother is slightly displeased, as his duty is to take care of her litter box.

well, im sorry this this was a negative 'update'. i hate using that term, because it makes it seem as though i think people want to know what im doing. don't worry, i don't! when i started blogging i knew that i'd never become that known or that i wouldn't have many readers. that idea kind of scares me actually, though its nice to meet new people and receive (kind!) comments. so that's obviously not why i have continued, otherwise i would have just given up i think. but, at the same time, it's not really helping me that much right now. i guess i like to sort out my thoughts, and writing them down here (or anywhere really) to attempt to free up some space in my wild, and crazy/messed up mind, is often helpful. but, at the moment, i hate being so negative. and what i hate even more, i think...is sharing that negativity, spreading it, spreading the gloom. because it's not fair.

i guess that's all really ;P its almost may...spring. im not sure whether im happy or not, the weather is a bit bipolar, one day it's ten degrees then mid twenties the next? (celcius) i usually dread the summer, because its just so hot. but i hope that this time around it's not too bad. i hope that you're having a good day, take care & lots of love xoxox

escaping the nightmare

 

hey you ;P it’s already april?!? ah, time keeps flying by, yet at certain points it seems to drag on. particularly when im feeling poorly. doesn’t it always work out that way? ;(

…so today is not going well. i know thats just a repeat of every post i’ve made in the last…year, more? aside from a few silly ones. i decided to take this online test for fun, because…well i was attempting to distract myself from feeling so unbelievable sick and i was like shaking and lsdjflk blah not cool.

You got 49 of 60 possible points.

Your score: 82 %

Profound Anxiety

Please see a physician

…durrrr :/ well that sucks.

*****

today actually started off okay, i was able to go out for a short run, and it was really mild. but not too hot for running (which i just cannot do). and i ate breakfast, bob’s red mill rolled oats (extra large/thick… i can’t make that sound un-dirty)) with banana and almonds in the microwave, along with crystallized ginger, a few shredded wheat squares and a little bit of so-good non-fat, i haven’t had that in so long! i used to love it last summer. paired with a cereal like shredded wheat, no sugar/salt, almonds and banana, it would sweeten the bowl up nicely ;P

anyway, then i started to feel awful and ugh idk what’s wrong. i know what i think it could be, and im always fearing something awful. but i put on harry potter (the first one) and just like sat there shaking trying to pretend that i was okay. my brother and his girlfriend are here too, so they were just watching, and my brother kept making odd comments about the storyline (he never liked them and did not continue after the first…i know. we’re totally not related)

but i wanted to post anyway, even though i knew it would lower people’s mood. im sad. and scared. both for myself and for other people that i honestly care about so much. so so much. and i hate that we’re struggling, i mean everyone. because its so hard to do this and to get better, or at least it seems so to me. and i know its so selfish, i realise that if i changed my attitude it might help. but i do, honestly these past few weeks ive tried changing habits and doing things that scare me. but, to be honest, just about everything scares me these days, so that’s not saying much :/ but still its like i can’t get past it because the fear and anxiety and awful symptoms take over and im just completely knocked over by them. i can’t beat it and i can’t go forward. and its hurting everyone, not just myself of course. but even that notion can’t provide me with the motivation and strength and effort to just try a little bit more…

can anxiety cause symptoms, like extreme and debilitating nausea? and stomach stuff and hot and cold flashes, like sweating feelings but you’re shaking. im not worried that im dying, im worried that im sick. or that im going to be sick. i don’t understand why my body would want me to be sick, like physically ill all the time. every time i tell my mom that it truly is so bad at times, she just looks so sad and says, ‘you have to eat’. and i say, ‘i know i do’. and i have been doing so despite the fact that i feel like im going to be sick, normally i’d just not want to eat a thing. but i feel like its a sign and my body wants me to be sick or something, because i fear it so much. but its making it even harder to get better. especially that the symptoms come on so quickly often.

and the weird dizzy/nausea/black spells that hit often in the early morning…i thought it was low bp and i’ve been increasing sodium at most times…if that is causing it. sorry, this isn’t fair for you, i know you’re not my doctor, and i am seeing professionals ;P don’t you worry! if you were worrying…;) but there are so many unanswered questions, so i feel very uneasy.

i want to watch this right now, honestly im seeking anything to escape. hense the harry potter. and im re-reading my favourite novel for the habagillionth time (that’s a word) and  ahhh i want to go to my cottage :) i know that doesn’t solve anything, but fly away home reminds me of my cottage, up north, my childhood…just, so much.

im sorry for this lovely update :/ i hope that everyone is doing better, i love you all seriously :) and i’ll come back soon i hope. when im not in a shitty place. xox

sunday april showers

 

“cooking is at once one of the simplest and most gratifying of the arts, but to cook well, one must love and respect food” (craig claiborne)

have a happy (&rainy) sunday…

xoxox

love jennifer :)