escaping the nightmare

 

hey you ;P it’s already april?!? ah, time keeps flying by, yet at certain points it seems to drag on. particularly when im feeling poorly. doesn’t it always work out that way? ;(

…so today is not going well. i know thats just a repeat of every post i’ve made in the last…year, more? aside from a few silly ones. i decided to take this online test for fun, because…well i was attempting to distract myself from feeling so unbelievable sick and i was like shaking and lsdjflk blah not cool.

You got 49 of 60 possible points.

Your score: 82 %

Profound Anxiety

Please see a physician

…durrrr :/ well that sucks.

*****

today actually started off okay, i was able to go out for a short run, and it was really mild. but not too hot for running (which i just cannot do). and i ate breakfast, bob’s red mill rolled oats (extra large/thick… i can’t make that sound un-dirty)) with banana and almonds in the microwave, along with crystallized ginger, a few shredded wheat squares and a little bit of so-good non-fat, i haven’t had that in so long! i used to love it last summer. paired with a cereal like shredded wheat, no sugar/salt, almonds and banana, it would sweeten the bowl up nicely ;P

anyway, then i started to feel awful and ugh idk what’s wrong. i know what i think it could be, and im always fearing something awful. but i put on harry potter (the first one) and just like sat there shaking trying to pretend that i was okay. my brother and his girlfriend are here too, so they were just watching, and my brother kept making odd comments about the storyline (he never liked them and did not continue after the first…i know. we’re totally not related)

but i wanted to post anyway, even though i knew it would lower people’s mood. im sad. and scared. both for myself and for other people that i honestly care about so much. so so much. and i hate that we’re struggling, i mean everyone. because its so hard to do this and to get better, or at least it seems so to me. and i know its so selfish, i realise that if i changed my attitude it might help. but i do, honestly these past few weeks ive tried changing habits and doing things that scare me. but, to be honest, just about everything scares me these days, so that’s not saying much :/ but still its like i can’t get past it because the fear and anxiety and awful symptoms take over and im just completely knocked over by them. i can’t beat it and i can’t go forward. and its hurting everyone, not just myself of course. but even that notion can’t provide me with the motivation and strength and effort to just try a little bit more…

can anxiety cause symptoms, like extreme and debilitating nausea? and stomach stuff and hot and cold flashes, like sweating feelings but you’re shaking. im not worried that im dying, im worried that im sick. or that im going to be sick. i don’t understand why my body would want me to be sick, like physically ill all the time. every time i tell my mom that it truly is so bad at times, she just looks so sad and says, ‘you have to eat’. and i say, ‘i know i do’. and i have been doing so despite the fact that i feel like im going to be sick, normally i’d just not want to eat a thing. but i feel like its a sign and my body wants me to be sick or something, because i fear it so much. but its making it even harder to get better. especially that the symptoms come on so quickly often.

and the weird dizzy/nausea/black spells that hit often in the early morning…i thought it was low bp and i’ve been increasing sodium at most times…if that is causing it. sorry, this isn’t fair for you, i know you’re not my doctor, and i am seeing professionals ;P don’t you worry! if you were worrying…;) but there are so many unanswered questions, so i feel very uneasy.

i want to watch this right now, honestly im seeking anything to escape. hense the harry potter. and im re-reading my favourite novel for the habagillionth time (that’s a word) and  ahhh i want to go to my cottage :) i know that doesn’t solve anything, but fly away home reminds me of my cottage, up north, my childhood…just, so much.

im sorry for this lovely update :/ i hope that everyone is doing better, i love you all seriously :) and i’ll come back soon i hope. when im not in a shitty place. xox