thoughts on a thursday morning

hi there :) im sorry that’s such a lame title, but i’ve never been that good with titles have it? i just want to sort of, divert from my last post. i want to delete it kind of…but that wouldn’t be right, so i’ll settle for just ignoring it, is that okay? i feel really embarrassed, actually. and regretted it the instant i saw comments, read them and realised that, well, i just looked so stupid.

anyway, i have been having so much trouble dealing with conflicting thoughts, stronger than before though. im sure this is so common but i thought i’d just write about it anyway. when i see that i’ve gained weight, i suddenly freak out and, especially if i haven’t significantly increased my intake…i start to really worry that my metabolism is super slow, i’ve messed up, i should watch what im doing very carefully because i have seriously botched something and become careless, etc. and then other thoughts say, ‘no, jen…this is okay, keep going, don’t fuck up’…and then it’s back and forth. in the past like, ohhh idk eight years? i’ve just ignored any ‘other’ thoughts, or more ‘healthy’ thoughts and gone with  my urges, which usually would result in weight gain or stabilization anyway. so it’s pointless. but now, because i know what’s at stake i am trying to listen to both sides. the thing is, im not doing it for me…i feel like im only doing this for my parents, so that i don’t have to be looked down upon, so that i might get work, knowing that each step forward makes me feel more disgusted, worthless, just….like i cannot stand being in my own skin.

i’m notorious for obsessing about nearly everything, and can’t let anything “go” or “slide”…im not sure if it makes sense, but a lot of people can challenge the thoughts and have them overpower any negativity…and even if i can do this, there is always part of me that doesn’t like it. and i don’t wnat to ignore that becuase i feel like its faking it, and i know that if i ignore the awful thoughts they’ll be there anyway, and in the future if i become more depressed, lost, etc…they will always be there to turn to. like…ugh im not sure how to say this.  but i hate ignoring these things because they’re like warning signs to me, and i could drown them out. but i don’t want to because i don’t want to go through life pretending that im happy, pretending that im okay, pretending that gaining weight is fine, losing is not, that i don’t need to be thin. because they are just that…i mean it’s pretend. it’s not real. i really do believe that i won’t be happy, i really do feel awful, i really do want to be thinner, and i really don’t like the way i am, the way i used to be, whatever is “natural” for me…i just cannot accept it. i do not want to accept it. <---that’s probably the issue there, and i know a lot of people would read this and be like, “so what?? deal with it. we all have to. shut up and move on”.

belated birthday photo, i forgot hat they were all on my dad’s camera, which i borrowed today ;P the cake was vanilla…with vanilla icing (the creamy kind! not the fluffy/whipped/odd one)…and my lovely  mom decorated it, even though it was just a single layer.

(cooking…quinoa i think?)

i hope this is making sense, because i’m just going to pause here and move onto something else, as i normally get myself into this whole and write for paragraphs until you all fall asleep ;P

so, it’s my mom’s birthday today! we’re having a little family thing and my grandmother is coming as well. that always stresses me out (due to my own issues more than hers). but my mom had a bit of a day to herself, and went shopping, had a facial (!!!) and we just chatted a bit about jobs and such. im realising that, although gaining is a huge goal in their eyes, it’s independence, and moving forward. so finding paid work, even part-time (and even if its nothing related to my field) would make them happy. and i know it would help me move forward and get out of this hell hole that i’ve dug myself into. apart from film internships and camp jobs, it’s really been a little while since i’ve properly worked, like just after second year of uni maybe? im so out of it…and that fear, and the length of time that i’ve been away from such a thing creates a lot of anxiety. but i know i can’t just stay without a job, im twenty-three (ohhh god how i hate that…) and i graduated from a four year degree. i should be working! it’s quite pathetic, im not putting anyone down out there who is also not working much, im just talking about myself here. i just need to feel semi okay about myself, maybe not ‘proud’ yet, but, idk less embarrassed i guess ;)

i wanted a photo of my mom to go here, and to dedicate this to her…but i can’t find a recent one! oh well, im sure she’d have a fit if i posted her photo on the internet ;P so it’s likely for the best. but i love her!!! so much, and she’s so cute, she was showing me a dress that she bought for herself, she always shows me her clothing, 'i know it’s different jen, but do you like it? i know you might not, but i do. and oh im not sure…’ but it was nice! i want to make her happy, or at least…less unhappy (both she and my dad). i know that it’s not enough to do something for someone else, to change for someone else. and, im quite stubborn and would have to admit that, even though i know it hurts them a lot when their children are not doing well, i don’t think that it could force me to change. which sounds awful. because i know i’d still be unhappy. but i hate myself for ruining someone else’s life. that’s not fair.

but i don’t want to end on such a note. my blog is so fucking depressing, i’d be surprised if anyone was reading it, or enjoying it if you are. thank you so much for reading this though, and commenting, it is honestly such a huge thing for me to receive a comment, my heart like jumps, and often i get really anxious, wondering what people are saying. yet you are all so kind (i hope this doesn’t jinx anything…) and i really appreciate you for everything you’ve told me. now this is really sappy, but i just wanted to make that very clear. so…something happy:

ahh love her! both she and elizabeth olsen are filming ‘very good girls’ at the moment in new york city i believe. dakota has quite a few films yet to be released, and im very excited to see her on the big screen once again. i feel like it’s been a long time…since ‘the secret life of bees’ almost (apart from the twilight films i guess, but i haven’t seen those) …i love watching her older films, like ‘i am sam’, ‘man on fire’, and her one long scene with glen close in ‘nine lives’, have you seen that one? it’s really beautiful.

well, i’ve got to go (i really do, though i know it seems like i have nothing to do…but im not lying!) i hope this post is a bit better than the last…and i really don’t want to write another one like that again :/ not good, jen. xoxox