alone

hi there :) hope everyone had a nice weekend. my brother was over last night, and left late this morning. it was nice to have company, but it didn’t stop me from become so anxious and sick and just…terrified (???) this morning especially. why can’t i just be somewhat calm? it’s a mystery sometimes. i sound nonchalant but, in reality, it kills me and i need to fix things otherwise i will not be able to do anything soon. when i’m not worrying about whatever is bothering me entirely, i do think about how i have absolutely no future unless i get better. whatever that means. sooo…a great start to a post, eh?

oh! but to last night…we watched a bit of something on tv, and i made salmon, brown rice (it was a mixture of brown basmatti, brown rice and a wild rice mix, and i added in a few T barley because i tend to just do things like that) & some vegetable medley (chestnuts, carrots, fennel and snow peas) and a bit of arugula (salad for my brother…he added tomato and renee’s dressing). i don’t take photos anymore, or not lately anyway. is it boring to just read about it on here? i doubt anyone really cares about what im eating for dinner aha ;P

but i do have one! this was breakfast from last week, i believe…

bob’s red mill creamy brown rice cereal, cooked with cinnamon/ginger, banana, topped with sliced banana, sliced almonds and crystallized ginger, and some milk. and a christmas coffee mug (more for aesthetics as i had already had enough coffee…so i had some herbal tea in the blue star mug there)

so, i’m alone for a little while. although my brother comes over occasionally, i’m in this house with my cat. i’m supposed to be working, and had a few interviews but at the moment…well im sort of researching schools and programs. although i felt like i should work and make money before even contemplating doing another degree or program (i finished my undergrad BA) i just…i don’t know, i feel like i want to take journalism because that seems to be a prereq for a lot of media and television/film/radio jobs, especially with the CBC, and major companies and stations. although i know i won’t and probably can’t do anything specifically with that, i feel like it might help me toward my goal or dream. but honestly im just sort of peeking around and likely won’t do this anytime soon. we’ll see…

i spent a bit of time researching coping mechanisms, yoga, prevention, treatment, diet, ohmygodsomuch, for dealing with this stress, panic, obsession, fears and awful symptoms and i guess i always think i’ll have a breakthrough or somehow be better aha…anyway, i am continuing to do more yoga. initially i just did hatha yoga, and more gentle things. but i also want to challenge myself to other types, so i try that out when i can. and meditation…i actually ended up buying a short audio meditation called “letting go of your thoughts'” from yogadownload.com (i have pretty much downloaded as many free yoga tracks so i felt like i should contribute something) and i like the man’s voice. he sounds a bit older, and calming. i am really bad at explaining this, aren’t i? anyway…i still can’t do it for long, sometimes i just try for a minute, or listen to him…but you have to commit. and i have yet to do this :/ so that’s a goal of mine. i’ve just heard how extremely beneficial it can be…but maybe it also depends on the person? i’m the type of person to overthink everything, be anxious and obsess and i’m not that optimistic, even with like cognitive behavioural things, i find it hard to actually write down a positive outcome, like i cannot imagine things ever working out. and maybe that type of personality or flaw doesn’t really work well with meditation. but i know people can change. so i must change :) i knew that…i don’t want to change much because i feel like…although lately i haven’t really demonstrated anything good, other than being sick and pathetic…i am more myself, like not ‘fake’ and i feel like i tried to be something i wasn’t for so long. so i don’t want to lose that bit of ‘true’ quality. i’m not sure if i’m making sense. but i tend to want to please people, maybe it’s because i haven’t been around people much (wow that’s sad) that i’ve sort of let that go a bit. i still feel it though, i want people to like me…but it’s sort of stupid to try to change to get people to like you…because they’re going to find out eventually that you’re not being you, and then what? well, you feel silly now, don’t you?

that’s all for now…a bit random, i’m not sure where im heading with this blog. it was never really anything specific, so i guess i don’t have much to live up to ;) i hope whoever is reading this is enjoying their day.

lots of love

xox jennifer ❤