new beginnings :)

hey lovelies :):)

breakfast today was some plain oats with banana, dried cherries, cinnamon mixed in and topped with wheatgerm, plain unsweetened shredded wheat squares, organic optimum cereal (banana-almond) and a few walnut halves, as well as some skim. and a vitamin. x trois :P

this week has been...hellish, but i decided that i want to try new things and just broaden my wacko sheltered like paranoid life at the moment. i hope to start with breakfast :P like new oatmeals...okay i realise this is clearly not broadening much but little baby steps is how i shall roll. i was able to try a few new things since the last post...

like cream of wheat, i used to eat it all the time as a child especially in the winter months, like my family would eat hot cereal a lot and alternate between this and "bird seed" as i called it, but it was red river cereal, and then oatmeal occasionally...but i had it with my family this past sunday, reminded me of my childhood

but i would like to try these two loves inspired carrot pb sammy, this really amazing girl's oatmeal creations (my favourites on the list are the slivered almond-nut butter and the craisin-nut butter)...i actually don't normally put nut butter on my oatmeal as i don't like it that warm, but it could be nice...so i shall attempt it :P. and i will find more, if you have any options that are yum let me know please!!! also i'm intrigued about the whole overnight oats but i don't know if i'd want to leave something for that long in the fridge...and maybe it would taste gross...and just, i dunno like how many people have eaten and loved it?

im having weird like triggering issues, and wanting to be tiny. and just like maybe i wasn't gaining much or trying to control my eating in terms of cals...so now that i feel like im noticing something or if i eat more one day im like wtf and then if i hear about people exercising like my family or what not i feel so large. and just gross. and i make certain comments into something else, like say i went for a run, then if my dad would be like "oh its nice out you should go for a walk" and i get all defensive like i went running remember??? what do you mean?? im sure i sound like a psycho. but yea, and i know im not dangerously thin or even anything remotely close to that. so i know i can lose. and the thing is that i was never in ip really and though i lost the trust of people including doctors and had to gain like maybe 5 years ago...that was a while ago. some people may have forgotten. but on the other hand if i went like lower than before or just got out of control i'd mess up everything and have to gain more and probably be more than i am now. sorry if this is just triggering, i just felt like saying my thoughts.

i've been having trouble sleeping lately, like three nights in the past week i've taken forever like 3 or more i don't knwo hours, even when im sooo tired. and it sucks its scary to be so tired and realise that you cannot fall asleep, and i can't make myself, and it just feels awful so hopeless-like. i don't know why its happening, i mean i might have some idea but it doesn't make sense still. how do you deal with this if it happens?

am snack of plain western yogurt, cinnamon, organic wheat squares
anyway, i handed in a major essay yesterday in class and another one i finished last night, its not due for a bit but i have many things to complete around this time and don't want to be freaking out too much if its all at the exact same moment you know?

plaid :):)

i hope everyone is managing alright :) i really appreciate the comments and support and love reading all your posts, as i've mentioned too many times before :P lots of love