i remember how it was

hey lovelies:):)

today's breakfast (not a photo...i don't even want to start thinking about my camera's illness at the moment...too much to handle, but i nearly threw the thing on the kitchen floor after it kept dying despite recharging, and my food got warm and ugh not cool jen)...
cold cereal mixture with banana, almonds walnuts, wheat germ, cinnamon and non fat soymilk mmm. shreddies, organic wheat squares, mini shredded wheat, bran-flake type mix with slivered almonds and a vanilla flavour.

perhaps the camera mishap was a good thing, for i discovered this brilliant weheartit photo :) i love cold cereal, this differed from mine this morning but i just love the variety and its rather refreshing. plus i just love cereal period.

it was closer to this, with a bunch of things in the mix :) recycled from some time ago

wow its totally snowing out, just noticed that. i can't believe how much we're getting, its just coming and coming and coming. and its constantly overcast pretty much :(
but i guess that's what we call winter. nothing new really but it still surprises me, we don't normally get this much in the city were i live, though when i lived a little further north in a small town as a child, we got SOooo much :O

ahh so school has begun once again. durnnn. im not as excited as i used to be, its not like school where you see your friends, get all keen about marks and such...i mean, it should be, im not very motivated and i don't know why. but the sad thing is its more crucial than every for me to be trying my very utmost hardest (does that even makes sense grammatically??? aha probably not, hence my lack of "keen-ness"...:( )

so ive been up to quite a lot since i last posted i guess. i went away, just for a day with my family but it was filled with, and im not kidding here SOOO much fear stuff for me like challenges beyond challenges beyond challenges...not just with ed stuff, actually not a ton of that, though i did make some discoveries...but just with other things that i don't think i've spoken/written?? about much on here, so they might not make much sense...BUT. it was a short family thing, in honour of my dad's sixtieth (eee-gaddds!) and we ate out for lunch, dinner, breakfast, and of course stayed in a hotel and such. it was actually short but seemed like forever, honestly. but i found that, despite causing me ridiculous amounts of anxiety and panic attacks and such, some of the time i was happy, like while eating with my family i often just forgot about worries and had fun.

in the morning, my brother and dad ate at the hotel (it was the Hilton but like a collection of hotels honestly it reminded me of a resort, it was maasssive and like we were on the 33rd floor but there were many more, and many "towers" so we were the north one and had to take a specific elevator aha...anywho they ate at the included hotel area and my mom and i wondered over to another a-la-carte restaurant in another hotel, it was called "famous" and reminded me of a new-york-style diner, with the black and white photos of older actors like Marilyn Monroe and such. it actually did remind me of when i was in nyc last, we would have breakfast out, and they served things like oatmeal. anyway, no photos of the trip as i was thinking about other things and not wanting to photograph food. though i sort of wished i had, my mom and i got the same...a muffin each (like bakery muffins!) and oatmeal. i asked and she said it was made with water and from scratch, but wow humongous portions, plus i had that muffin on the side remember. we just talked and looked around and ate, drank (so fareeaking weak :( ) coffee that refilled often :P and i ended up having most of the big muffin and crumbling some in my oats which i had just plain, no sugar or what not (and of course they didn't have it with banana)...i looked strange but whatever :P but the muffin was such a change, white flour probably and it was called banana something but it tasted like a cinnamon thing, like it had a huge top with possibly cinnamon and sugar on top, then a banana sort of flavour for the muffin itself, and it reminded me of my childhood. im not sure why, maybe because i just didn't care about eating white things or having huge muffins, and i ate more of a variety of things for breakfast, i mean i think i do now but its often something involving cereal, hot or cold, bowl of somethin' :P...but this was different. i want to make something like that. but that would be a challenge, since i consider it breakfast food so i don't want to make it with white flour...and somehow its okay for me to eat something like that at times...but making it myself feels like im doing something naughty i have no idea why aha!

i attempted to search for the perfect photo, and made the mistake of putting in large muffin tops...gahhh. i couldn't find it, it was a bit different than the one above, looked crispy rather than doughy on the outside. ANYWAY...point is, it made me happy :) it was a strange feeling, just like mmm this is good, tastes like theres probably a bit of butter in it...probably a lot. but it wasn't like greasy gross or anything. i felt okay afterward too, which surprised me. i was worried i'd feel sick.

i've been searching for more blogs to read, i used to have a lot, then i tried to limit the number as it became overwhelming. i've been looking at this girlie's lately, i don't know her (like haven't spoken to her) but i believe she's stopped blogging, or at least has veered away because she doesn't want to think about anorexia, like she's much recovered and that's really amazing. its good that she's happy and i know love of girls/boys stop as it becomes sort of depressing and nostalgic in a negative sense to dwell on certain things. anyway i do love her blog though, i wish i had read it in "real-time" aha when she was writing so i could leave comments. oh well :P

i know that its not great to dwell on your problems, and in the past and everything, but honestly i love reading blogs written (wonderfully) by those who i have much in common with, and who are possibly struggling with some things but are just SO strong and inspiring, and i just wish i could meet all of you for real and be friends. seriously, ahh that would be amaaazing :) if only....

hmm...i saw black swan with my friend this past weekend. WOW. i really really really loved it. i was scared to see it in the beginning because my parents saw it and didn't like it and i'd heard negative things plus the trailer creaped the eff out of me, so i thought i'd die. but the thing is, it wasn't just gore for the sake of nothing, it had a point to it and i was enthralled. it surprised me. but mainly i love both the leads and thought they did brilliantly. have you seen any good films lately? or, i mean films that you loved.

my comfy christmas slippers that i've worn to death...

that would be the same meal. different zooms (yes, oh yes im all up in the camera lingo)


and i did eat lunch here...carrots, applesauce, yummy spelt
artizan bread with apricot preserves and almonds slices,
along with 1% cottage cheese (l.s) with freshly ground
pepper. amaze. i never though i'd like pepper because its hot,
so i would think, why would i do that, but this pepper is not its
more sweet, if that makes any sense. lovely with c-cheese.
thats how i write it on my grocery list :P

mmm see i never get formspring things normally and i was so excited to get a question but it was something like do you not eat lunch or dinner, and is that why i just put bfast photos...i nearly cried :P ahh so sad. but here you go..

i feel more motivated to blog, sort of to release feelings and stuff. i wish my life was more of a joy to read about though :P but i will try to post a lot more, not just for the sake of it, but because i have a point.


tootles...love jen :)