challenges

hey lovelies :):)

i'm posting late. but this morning i went for a short run, and for breakfast after showering and what not, i had a lovely bowl of cold cereal, mixture of organic multigrain squares, rice crispix, shredded wheat squares and a tbsp of almond raisin granola, plus a banana, 10 little almonds, skim and ginger + cinnamon!!! i loved it yes i did :D

this is clearly a gorgeous simplybreakfast photo, but i think it
looks beautiful, and it is cold cereal and milk :)

so...what is new? i'm really trying to update myself with all the blogs, ones i've missed or somehow not had on my blogroll thus sort of lost track of. and it makes me happy. and sad..like when people are struggling, but then in a bad way i feel a bit more comforted. that sounds horrible, not that you are struggling but hat i'm not alone. im sorry that is not nice at all.

i just love this bowl, it looks calming and yum. i don't normally put nearly the amount of milk here, i have it sort of dry but sometimes this is nice you know?

hmmm so i plan to open my raisin bran tomorrow (gee im so exciting..), i was worried/still am that it was in the cupboard for a few weeks but unopened it says bbf like next year i think? i shall check. i tried a bit and i'll have more next time i hope. when i first sort of got into my disorder and had to gain, well its more complicated but i remember when i was measuring everything (which i don't do anymore yeee, plus now that i wash dishes it would create even more, and i spend so long on them already)...i would have raisin bran everyday. like 1/2 cup milk, 1 cup raisin bran. maybe like 1/2 cup juice on the side. tehe :) i would get an our compliments store brand with extra large raisins, then sometimes not shake the box so that when i got near the end it was like RAISIN CENTRALLL :D it fully made my day but really hard to chew. sort of a mouth workout i guess. and i would never factor in the difference in cals because obviously the basis of calories in raisin bran comes from the raisins. i was more concerned about fat. like i counted fat and not calories, i thought that was how it worked so that's when i first lost a lot, i was like 14-15...and yea i just tried to stay like under 20 or less i don't know, maybe 15 sorry if this is triggering, but that scares me a bit. if i had continued just with that whole fat decrease i might have damaged something gahh. all this talk from a bowl of cereal...

tea

i have something that will make me sound so stupid. i hate what i did, like i hate that i let certain fears restrict me, and im just so angry with myself. today i met my mom for tea, and we wee also dropping something off, and somehow things got delayed and i was all "gahh im going to be dehydrated" etc...and we walked to Timothy's (sort of like Starbucks or Second Cup..wait the US doesn't have Second Cup though right?) anywho, a nice coffee place. and she got a normal tea and i just felt like i wasn't going to be able to have mine and i told her so, i didnt want her to waste money, and they didn't have peppermint left so i chose organic chamomile which sounds lovely, and thinking back now...i used to buy that then i realised i was just spending so much on food so i got regular chamomile. ugh. and i couldn't even drink the fucing tea. i sat her talking with her ad listening, she was being amazing despite my constant, honestly just total whining, i was upset that i couldn't do it and then going back and forth, ten saying sorry...i hate myself so much honestly you have no idea, if i could only explain it in words but i just start crying wen ithink about what happened. and part of it is that i can't explain why its such an issue, im just messed. but we will go again, i used to get coffee and everything "to-go" all the time. and it was fun. next time i'll get a non tea thing, i get freaky about them touching it en though they make the coffee. im such a fuckup. lksjdlfjsk anyway, i cant have too much coffee but maybe if we went in he morning, a decaf? i used to drink their coffee all the time, they have different flavours but then i thougth it wasn't strong enough, i didn't like flavoured coffee, blahh..but we will have a coffee out together, and erhaps with a snack? they had this photo/promo where you purchase a loaf slice (that sounds gross) i need an elegant word, well i'll say cake. and you get a coffee...and the photo was gorgeous this lovely slice of carrot cake and a steaming cup of coffee :) but the thing is, i say 'next time :' all the time and it might not happen its still going to be a challenge, so i just wish i had had the tea. i know this is odd and no one understands probably, thinking about it makes it sound even worse. it was this horrible debate in side my head and i just wanted to scream in the place, it was so hard and this stupid indecisive thing, but worse than normal :/

i love herbal tea :( even though they didn't have peppermint, chamomile
(and organic yum) sounded splendid..my mom tried some and said it was nice

how about something more positive? well...i have been branching out in terms of dinner. at my place (and at home) i've started making quinoa again, its the love of my life (aka Bob's Red Mill) organic whole wheat, i just love his products. i have many. sort of a collection and i have a creamy rice hot cereal yet to be opened...has anyone had this? what's it like, how do you make it, etc? let me knowww. anywho the quinoa is a change from the brown rice or whole wheat couscous as a side grain, it took a few tries to get into it again, i kept messing up. i made it at home too. its lovely when paired with sweet potato (baked) as it just can be eaten together and adds sweetness, then preferably (though im terrified to cook this myself) with protein like some white chicken breast or something. or even tofu and veggies. i also purchased a newer type of cold meat, its a natural roasted turkey thing, maple leaf 'natural-selections' line? do you get maple leaf products? there's such a funny commercial, i saw it first a while ago so i was happy when i saw it in the store. its about the typical ham and how it contains a few preservatives :P but this brand makes the meat (they have ham and chicken, turkey as well) with just natural preservatives, so water, sea salt...something else? anyway i found the clip HEREEE but it's funny so watch it okay???

*never mind poop i couldn't find it
glad we settled that one.

i baked muffins a few days ago :) it was meant to be an oatmeal raisin type from Anne Lindsay, one of her cookbooks, lighthearted something or other, but i put molasses in a tweaked a few things, they were pretty light but also a bit sweet, i tried part of one before leaving. i was at home visiting. and my mom was getting major dental surgery, well not insane but she was on iv so she came home and was a bit...sleepy ;) and she couldn't eat chewy things until today and told me, while i was having "tea" with her, that she loved it and ate some for breakfast. ahh i love my mommyyy


i'd love to bake more, but here...i hate having to constantly do dishes and my hands are in such rough shape. it causes me like a lot of stress :/ gahh but this is something i made last...May??? wow i had just recently returned from uni away in another province. pumpkin spice cake i think, gosh i'd love to make something like that again, and eat some too.

well i must gooo, but i hope to update more often. i don't have a working camera though so i can't take many photos :( apart from using others, and my old ones, and my webcam. but hopefully that will change.

until next time you gorgeous beauties xox