trying to enjoy the small things

hey lovelies:):)

this morning for breakfast i had a little bowl of plain oats, with a few yummy additions. i like to call it my "oatie & cold cereal mix bowl of goodness". that might have been a little bit lame.

it resembled this, but the banana was eaten before coffeeee...and
i had some dry cereal (rice crispies, kashi honey sunshine and a
tiny bit of granola on top, with some skim)

i am posting again, but much later then i had planned...i want to make it more worthwhile, yet i don't have a ton to say! i hope you don't mind a collection of images, not always my own and not always about breakfast and food and what not. my camera still isn't functioning very well. i hope to be able to use it more often very very very soon. but there are such beautiful photos out there, and i wish i could capture things like that.

haven't had a coffee-to-go a la audrey for some time now, can't we all just be her?

food-wise...well i've been eating a bit i guess. i have been having stomach issues, just not nice at all, for a while now. its affecting what i eat too and im just so terrified of things most of the time. not much variety, but having breakfasts consisting of oatmeal, cold cereal mixes, and more oats...bananas :) i love bananas. i remember reading about the family who went 'local' for a year, and didn't get bananas as they came from Costa Rica or something. excuse my complete ignorance. i should look that up right now. i would not be able to do that i don't think. fail. but i need my nananaers. seriously.

i've been having lots of cold cereals, though i haven't yet opened my raisin bran cereal (which i used to eat all the time and only this) similar to the above yummy look

ive had bread and what not, various kinds of too-expensive artisan sort of spelt bread? one kind is a breakfast bread, but i don't have it for breakfast. its cinnamon raisin, smells so heavenly and looks like this

i was just thinking about things that make me happy, as i was just moping as usual and being a sad sob case :P i mean, i love family so much. but for material things, and food....

yummy muesli with combinations of various dried fruits...
bananas came to mind. i love them. the thing is when i learned about the glycemic index and discovered that they were high on the scale i fliiiipped and rarely ate them. now i have them all the time. i guess i figure its not like eating pure sugar even though they contain a lot of natural stuff. sometimes i have nearly two a day if i can.

yogurt, with honey (a darker type if possible)...
honey is one of my very favourites

i love clothing. fashion. and everything related.

this movie....you know what? i've had it on my computer tab for a few months. its always there. i always have to watch a bit of it, especially if im feeling sad in any form, or scared or anxious (sort of similar? aha).

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i have a question, and it might be a bit too much. but for those of you on meds, more like ssri's...its something i've taken in the past, and i might be doing it again. i am not trying to seek help from here, i know it's not safe but i just thought i'd see what other people thought about it. i've been told im not trying to help myself or putting effort into certain recovery and what not. i feel like im always trying, but its like certain fears become very strong that its all you can do just to cope, let alone try more risky things...does that make any sense? ugh im just confused. and sort of discouraged. if someone told me this would be my life, me...everything, a little while back. i'd be pretty depressed. i just feel like a total failure. because i have NO excuse. nothing. i don't need to be like this. i keep thinking about my high school. it was so tiny and i didn't enjoy many aspects, yet the small size meant a really amazing teacher-student ratio, we were all super competitive and i was just insane about work. and my average upon graduation was just so much higher than now i feel, and i just need to do well. i feel like im telling too much. some time i'll need to go through my posts and edit things...it just makes me feel scared. plus most of you are doing so well. often eating issues come with this perfectionism that i once had, but don't. so now that i feel like im failing at things, its like im not like the others, and if i have issues i should be working harder. i don't think i'm making any sense. its hard to write down what's going on in my head.

anyway...what a way to leave you all eh? aha. but i do have to go. study. go get groceries if i stop feeling so ill. maybe have some lunch. etc. i will be back i promise. but i've also been going on tumblr more, its a way to express myself and, what i love, is that you can just put these photos up, and get them from other people, share...without having to write and explain why you like them. that's what i love about it. mine it linked above. but ew i don't want to be like promoting myself on here :P

i hope you're doing well, i will make sure to comment more on posts, i do read them but...sometimes slash nearly all the time...i don't comment, which is hypocritical because i love comments on mine. but i love you all a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot...xoxoxoxox