a day just for me

hey lovelies :):)

this morning i went for a short run early before it became too hot. its supposed to reach above 30 celcius, factor in the UV+humidity and its going to feel like forty something :/

breakfast: i had a mixture of plain oats with almonds, granola + multigrain squares on top, with fat free soy milk, cinnamon and ginger

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so i thought that, since it was my birthday (yesterday), i could try my favourite things, make it a 'jen' day...

old fashion oats in water, cinnamon&ginger, nanner, topped with ginger-slice, almonds, a 'graham' cracker (tasted like vanilla just stuck in there like a candle!!!!!) + 1/2 a date or so, with a few organic multigrain squares + crisp rice, skim milk to cool it down...coffee before hand

lunch was pb+nanner on whole grain artisan raisin bread, cinnamon, nanner (ripe banana, a bit too much, i don't want to be negative but ehhh sort of gross ripe, thus i just used a small amount), pb+co operation smooth, carrots, c-cheese + unsweetened applesauce

blueberry bliss lunabar (first time trying, only one i have as its not sold hereand its from the time earlier year when my parents were in new orleans :P)

there, a sample day...i haven't done that before though i don't have the photos, i did have more than this all day but i just wanted to show some aspects related to my theme :)

hmm skdjlfkj...okay...so, my family birthday was pretty good, although there were a few issues, arguments and just, well tears because im really pathetic. and it wasn't even about the food. a few family issues, some of my own. and my day just kept going wrong. from the moment i woke up. i had slight bursts of that 'special' feeling on your birthday...i wanted to be positive. and now, the day after i just fee sad. depressed sort of. and that's typical, i felt that as a kid when my birthday was over. but i just feel regrets. regretting not changing my attitude in the day, as that may have altered the results? i regret not trying to fix things between my family members. i regret not being able to do what i wanted, and feel what i wanted to feel, and just have a nice day...it didn't really happen. i hate ending on that note. there were good aspects but i just want to start over again ;( and it hurts that i can't do that for another year. i know that sounds so dramatic, and i guess it is. but this birthday symbolised something else, and i sort of blew it. the evening was far from perfect. and im upset because my parents were helpful and my mom had prepared and purchased nice foods for me. and baked a cake :)

the menu i planned was free-range (my mom bought this, which was nice) skinless/boneless chicken with some yogurt, breadcrumb and spice on top. w-grain quinoa 'salad' which i made (added cucumbers, craisins, sunflower seeds) along with baked sweet potato with lots of cinnamon. i added that to mine afterward :P and my mom had baked the cake, from a mix as requested, vanilla with vanilla icing :) and she ended up sub-ing most the oil for applesauce :) either way its still cake. and it has icing. but the nice icing i like, yet still...icing. i had a smallish piece and then some icing, and it was good.

ive been thinking about the past sort of :/ i do that a bit, sort of dreamer-like. but specifically, i used to be so so so excited for my birthday. but nervous too, and when it arrived, it was sort of like christmas, this crazy thing that you don't think will get here. and there's this special feeling when it does? i would always been happy around that time. i'd be outside, and the weather didn't bother me. and this is the first time i woke up outside my own house, on my birthday. because throughout uni i was always finshed by june...and in boarding school i came home the night before and woke up to my parents, and when i was younger i was always at home on my birthday. hmm i just looked back at posts from a year ago, and they're sort of depressing. my mood and posts and attitude, it just sucks. but what makes me even more upset is that i know things got worse. its like im looking at myself then, a girl who wasn't happy, hoping things would be better. then they weren't. i also feel like its such a waste, i just wasted a whole year or more. and maybe i think too much, dwell on certain things, plan too much and then it's ruined? i'm not quite sure. its like everyone i know is succeeding and getting a head and my life is passing me by, failures...and i didn't used to be like this. honestly, its not like i did amazingly well in every single aspect of my life but i actually succeeded quite a bit in sports, school, and just with friendships :) i try to use my old self as motivation as opposed to someone else, or this dream in my head. i use that as well, but it seems more obtainable when it's an "old" version of me, because its still me right? and im making any sense?!?

i've been having similar desserts lately

i tried the cashew butter i purchased at a local hf store like...maybe 5 or more weeks ago. i love cashew
s but rarely eat them. i started choosing other nuts to have more regularly (like my almonds) as they seemed to carry more 'good' nutrients for their fat/calorie content. stupid though as cashews aren't like bad for you right? well everything in moderation. but yea i guess i woudln't want to make them a staple. plus they're a bit more expensive. anyway it tasted sort of odd...is it supposed to be super sweet? i guess i forgot the nut was sweet tasting, im not sure i like it but i want to keep trying it, maybe in smaller amounts? it was like white chocolate or something aha...perhaps it went bad, but i had not opened it yet and its bbf next april. :/ it was also dark looking, almost a red hue in there...and lots of oil on top which was dark...it said it had roasted cashews and just sunflower oil.

i bought a few things online from forever21, and this was a romper but pjs...yet its silky-blouse material...and im sort of tempted to bust it out as actual outdoor clothing, like with high-waisted shorts or a skirt...or just a cardigan. ehh might be a bit "slutay", but perhaps it could work??

i don't want to make this just negative, or seem ungrateful. i am grateful for my family, and kind people :) i opened my gifts before the evening became too. well wrong i guess. and i loved everything, plus one special surprise from someone. it was odd, i opened it and felt so much appreciation and was just so happy, and immediately after that something happened. and its odd how you can feel happiness one second and then like complete fear/anxiety/terror the next. ahh emotions are sort of crazy :P

that's all for now, love you xox