saturday

hey lovelies :):)

today for breakfast i had some cold cereal :)

i thought this was a cute photo :)

i didn't have shredded wheat though, i'm branching out! ...or, er i finished it up a few days ago :P my organic multigrain squares mmm were back, along with some almonds, a bit of a banana, 1/2 date or so and crisp rice, along with cinnamon, ginger, and skim milk.

i've been trying to make myself feel more motivated, happier, etc. but i sort of dwell on negative issues and i'm finding that i'm triggered a lot more. but its like i seek it out. and i want to just dive in and, i guess ugh i know its so dumb to say it but go back to certain habits, its like something is pulling me and for some odd scary reason i feel drawn to doing stuff like that and restricting which i haven't done in a long time. apart from sometimes not eating much, i don't even count everything now. but when i tallied up randomly to get a rough idea i was surprised it wasn't that low at all. im sorry if this is triggering, it doesn't even make sense at all. but im not that happy with what i'm looking like now...i guess i never am, i like it more than when i weighed more i guess. but not as much as when i weighed less. i just want to feel accomplished and i feel like im just not doing well in anything these days. obviously not eating isn't an accomplishment. i don't mean that...i don't even know what i mean :/ i guess i don't share much on my eating issues, and i know that's part of this blog. but i rarely see it these days on blogs, and i'm glad i don't because i guess as it means people are doing better perhaps :) so i feel awkward jumping in with this, as im not sure what im asking for here. wow what i waste of space jen. anyway on to better things:

'friday's breakfast of cinnamon raisin spice oatmeal'

oats (mixture of plain and a bit of an organic raisin-spice, 1/3 banana, tbsp raisins, cinnamon&ginger, touch of squares+granola, almonds, fat free soymilk)

*****

now there's a story with these oats. not that interesting. you see i don't like using anything sweetened usually and not just for like ed reasons...i find it sweet, so i like plain oats sweetened with banana sometimes or rarely with dried fruit. but i just had 1/3 unripe banana so i added a bit of an organic (which made me feel better but whatever :P) nice oat package, raisin and cinnamon. i used about 1/2, and not much of the sweet part, and it contained one raisin :P so i added a small tbsp, but then a prune instead. i thought it would be lower sugar ughh i dunno but also prunes are nice :) anyway, that's the story. so i sort of used something different, but attempted to compensate a little bit. im happy i used very little cereal on top, i have this idea that i HAVE to put dry cereal, only oatmeal won't be good :P well this was good.

my dad sort of got my brother and me into this thing called 'toastmasters' to help with our presentation skills, for jobs, interviews, careers...daily life and what not. i was so scared to go. its a large group of people all ages, but its quite scheduled and you have to go up and speak in front of them. i missed the first meeting and my brother went with his girlfriend, and then my dad came. they had to pick a recent novel they had enjoyed/or not, and speak about it for a few minutes. but this new meeting was on a different subject, so i couldn't 'prepare' even if i wanted to :( the theme was childhood memories, so apropos right? :P just what i've been thinking about. and i always think back to my childhood.

i have a procedure thing next week, its not considered serious but im so scared for it. it has to do with my stomach, i don't want to put details on here as its not so nice and its public and ugh i just don't want to think about it :P its one of those "rule-out" type things but still...i was meant to get it in 2008 :o ooopsies. first of all i canceled as i was sort of ill. then somehow the date i was supposed to get it completed on, it was a misunderstanding. and then i had an exam. so they were pretty fed up with me and i finally reached them again and scheduled this a few months ago but had to wait a bit. i have to do this. but im so terrified :/ i don't like stomach messed up things :( i hope i'll be okay, and by okay i mean like. it won't be an awful experience, i don't want to get ill, or be in a lot of pain or something...and be fine afterward. not likely though. i'll post a bit later next week hopefully :) and until then, i hope you're all having fun, eating yummy foods, just enjoy everything okay?

xoxox