june the sixteenth

hey lovelies :):)

breakfast today, after an early little run---which was nice actually :)---was ginger, banana, almond oats :)

plain oat package with 1/2 banana, ginger&cinnamon, almonds, wheat squares (multigrain not shredded wheat), granola + skim.

i've been a bit busy with doctor things and work and what not, not too crazy though :) im sort of antsy for the end of my uni, beginning of career, etc. but at the same time really scared. because i know i have to move forward and make choices and be brave. and that's a bit daunting :P but it's supposed to be i think. this post doesn't have too many photos, especially food ones but i will try better next time.

i had 'proper' sandwich, meaning something like i used to, with bread, a spread (i used dijon), and veggies/meat. i had sliced cucumber on whole grain spelt with this natural 'cured' smoked ham, which i haven't had in a while. i typically, if having meat, would eat turkey or chicken (white) and often not as a sandwich. the dijon was the one with the grains or mustard seeds, which i prefer :) my mom has used it with a salmon recipe a few times, it's called maple glazed salmon, with the grain dijon, pure (canadian) maple syrup, and something else just lightly brushed on before baking. its quite nice! i wish i had a photo of the sandwich ;(

i was thinking a bit about how much time i spend thinking...like about various food/eating/etc thoughts, myself, fears...it takes up so much time. and, although often i don't like not thinking about it, sometimes when i see that i've spent time doing something else it's really refreshing. im just so self-absorbed. i used that term instead of selfish because i don't consciously want to be selfish, and i do think of others. but i dwell on my own issues and much of my though compilations are about things to do with me. its essentially constant.

i have something exciting/embarrassing perhaps (but i have no shame really), i was so happy when an old neighbour (in our apartment from a few years ago) left a message saying there was a note addressed to me from a "talent agency in California...Osbrink" and i was like eee Dakota...you see, i sent her a letter like three years ago, i don't even care aha i love her. but it was possibly longer and i never thought i'd get a reply as i did not include a poster/photo of her to sign, or a return stamp, typically the guidelinds for 'fanmail' (i dont like that word) but it was still a note from her :) i actually received something, handwritten as well.

one of my aunts (my mom's sister) is quite ill at the moment, well she's been ill for a while, as of a year or so ago when she was diagnosed with a few things (cancer, and then more complications)...i don't want to mention much but it seems as though now, there's nothing to do really. it's reallly sad. she was on various treatments and it seems all in all, they caused many issues, again i won't go into detail but, it was really awful. and still she was fighting, but essentially there is "nothing to do" as the tumours are growing and just taking over other aspects of her body and the chemo, oral drug, surgery and everything else...well they cannot do any more. i feel really horrible, for my mom as well. i know it puts things into perspective, and the fact that i can be so unhappy with things that, although they mean a lot to me, they are rather trivial in terms of overall physical health, like i don't have cancer or a serious disease. i'm not going to say that i feel guilty per say, because in my opinion it's relative. before she was ill with all of this she still had weight concerns for example, wanting to lose, and had things bothering her that might seem insignificant now in comparison with what she is facing. i mean i do feel stupid, stupid when i can't be happy with what i have and what i am right now, but, ugh i don't know i mean its like it takes something like that to make you realise that life is extremely precious. you don't understand it until you've gone through it. not simply seeing someone endure it, but be the actual person, like my aunt. so i don't fully understand. it hurts so much and it seems so unfair, and just wrong. but it just scares me so much, to know that something is wrong with you and at this point nothing can be done...i don't see why this has to happen to people.

i don't like to be a 'downer' but i guess im sort of honest on here. there are good things in life, and there are challenges. but certain aspects of the world just bother me so much. first of all, i get upset with myself when, realistically, i might be able to change things, whereas some people (like my aunt) can't...and then i just don't understand why something like that can happen to someone, and it does happen all the time. and yet i still think about my own issues and for bits of the day sort of, forget...what's going on? then i just feel disgusted with myself, really selfish and what not. however...i think i need to just stop complaining and start actually trying to change things. maybe i'll be happier, and appreciate life more, and just begin to help others more? i realise that's a given, so i might sound a bit self-absorbed. but i know that i can change :) and after reading this lovie's post, i realise that it is possible to change so much if you just believe that it's possible.

that's all really, love love love :) xox