a meaningful monday

 

hey lovelies :):)

this morning i had a really nice breakfast. i was a bit anxious though, so that sort of spoiled the atmosphere, but i won’t talk about that. you see, as i didn’t have a photo of it, i was determined to use a photo of my own, even if i had to painstakingly search for it through my early years on here :P so, i bring you a breakfast from my past:

(the only similarity is the shreddies, but check out that loud table spread wooowzers)

this morning i enjoyed a cold cereal bowl of just shreddies, along with sliced banana, natural almonds & golden raisin, topped with cinnamon & ginger and some skim milk

it’s a rarity for me to choose just one type of cereal, so i was quite proud today ;) i haven;t had cold cereal at all lately, so this was a nice change. it’s odd to say that, as cold cereal was almost a staple breakfast for me not too long ago. fishing through old posts (and i mean a lot of posts) allowed me to sort of look back; it’s quite a cool thing to have a blog, you know? i never really documented much throughout my life so far (apart from random entries in journals, when something drastic happened…ranging from like doctors weigh-ins to actual scary events, like when my mom and i were sort of hit by a car. it’s not as serious as it sound though!) and instead i seem to remember things quite vividly. often it’s the bad memories, and i just have them ingrained in my mind forever. but i also have memories of positive times.

anyway, reading these old thought collections wasn’t really a nice experience. i’m not that honest or outright negative (i am more now i guess) but i can just see right through my words and i remember how sad and lonely i was, especially during my third year of uni when i lived alone. i was a bit off campus and ended up switching out of a lease with friends, and had sort of switched programs and lost touch with friends from there, and so on. but i just feel so sad and uncomfortable reading my old posts because i seem to be attempting to say something good, but failing miserable. i took a lot of photos though, that’s something i’m missing at the moment. but also, just the way i look at photos of myself, it wasn’t that long ago. and i’m sorry if this sounds awful and triggering and just nasty, but i feel like i looked humongous. and it’s not like i am that much smaller now, but at the time that these were taken i didn’t think i looked too awful. i mean, i always have issues with that but just the thoughts and remarks that went through my mind looking back, it was horrid. i feel awful thinking those things, as if i’m directly making a horrible remark at another girl. even though it’s me, really. i’m not sure if that makes any sense at all, but it just further stresses the fact that i’ll never be happy with my body. but also, that i won’t be happy at that weight, which was definitely healthier than now. and if i end up losing more i’ll look back at photos of myself at present and think “oh my god i was huge”…

today i’ve been sort of productive. i feel like a bit of a lazy slob when i don’t have many plans, or don’t work a lot or have outside work to accomplish, so when i feel like i haven’t done enough of that i make sure to do apartment duties, like my share of cleaning, and i did my own organizing, and went out to shoppers as part of my walk. that’s like a drugstore, hmm like walgreens i think is one of them in the states? im probably way off but that one comes to mind as i used to look at certain food product brand names for their nutritional content online and i think it was linked to that site :) its weird the things i remember. well, not really though :/ i guess it all ties into the same freaking thing. i also feel guilty buying things as i’m not working full time, but most of what i purchased was along the lines of hand cream, as my skin is awful now on my hands. not only because it’s winter :/ but, i found either generic or discounted brands, and oh my one a day multivitamin, the women’s one with calcium and more iron/other nutrients that we require, which differs from men i guess? and mascara, because i needed that.

shortly after that i sipped some lovely ginger tea. it’s a stash tea mixture of (off the ingredients)…“ginger root, lemongrass, lemon, safflower, hibiscus + citric acid”; my favourite ginger tea is from traditional medicinals, called ‘organic ginger aid’, and they have a line of stomach or other related ‘aids’ in teas but this one is six dollars or something for 16 bags, and a bit too pricey for all the time :/ it’s so lovely though, ahh :)

well loves, that’s all really. i really like being able to come on here and write, even if nothing is planned. i used to start a post one day, and plan and edit, until i published it weeks later. but it was never that impressive, so i’m not sure why i felt the need to do that. i realise that posting often and spontaneously will make my blog even more boring :/ but…ah i don’t know i mean i think this is helpful for me. and now i feel as though i’ve removed that ‘high expectation’ that i had before, feeling as though everything needed to be constructed in a certain way, and making sure that i wrote about this and that and included a photo of this, i mean i never really succeeded and i haven’t posted photos regularly in over a year.

i just love this song so much, it plays often on a classical radio station that i listen to

i hope you’re all doing okay :) i feel like everyone has been busy or absent for a bit, although maybe i’m just really boring and obsessively checking for updates :P yea, that’s probably it. lots of love though, and i’ll talk to you soon xox