time for a little honesty

 

hey lovelies :):)

this morning, for breakfast, i had “apple pie oats” themed oatmeal :) i was quite excited, and attempted to sort of replicate the apple larabar (we call it apple in canada, not apple pie for legal/copyright/idk reasons)…

it was pretty yummy, but i find that apples lose their sweetness when cooked, so i don’t think they are a good addition to oats, but if you have ideas of how to do it properly please let me know, as the crispin apple i had washed was quite yummy fresh but not noticeable in the oats after they were cooked (i just wrote cookied. mmm cookies :P); in the mixture was:

mixture of old fashion large flake oats & bob’s red mill organic oatbran, cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 chopped+peeled organic crispin apple (huge!), golden raisins, natural almonds, cooked in water in the microwave, with crystallized ginger and a touch of skim milk added after cooking :) i didn’t have walnuts, so the almonds were a lovely substitute there

so, today i had a revelation. well, not really. i sort of already was aware of this, but i suddenly felt like i needed to explain something. i want to be honest here, and i have been leaving out a few things which probably are contributing to my recent not so lovely health (mentally and physically), but i had chosen to keep certain things private because i’m embarrassed; also, this is public and i worry about who sees it. however, i’ve already gone ahead and shared more than i’d want anyone i know to read (or possibly any career-related people, which is quite risky i think) so i might as well continue on that path. i think i finally caved because i sort of would like support here, even though i know its highly unlikely that any of you suffer with the same thing, and probably don’t want much to do with it; i’m scared that you will all think i’m wacko, honestly. like, i would also think the same thing. hmmm what am i getting into here? i’m sure this is all very confusing but i will try to be more coherent..

okay, well, i know that i’ve mentioned my anxiety issues before. but perhaps i wasn’t that clear. i have a lot of anxiety. and fears, and phobias, and obsessiveness. i guess some of my behaviours and thoughts would classify as ocd, although i do not like that term, nor do i appreciate the stigma that it holds. i also hate how people say, oh god i have ocd, im so ocd (i used to say that too, so im just as guilty), and so on. i am terrified of throwing up. seriously, and im scared of anything associated with that. and i truly mean that i think about it all the time, almost. i used to be afraid occasionally, or when i was triggered. but those thoughts and fears are with me all the time now. as in, my anxiety is sky-high almost all the time, i guess i’m just living in a constant state of fear really. plus, i feel sick nearly all the time, i have horrid stomach symptoms which i will not go into detail now for your benefit. i’m terrified of sickness, germs, etc and i wash my hands a lot. my skin is always awful in the winter, just because of the usual dryness and weather, but it’s quite awful at the moment. largely due to lack of care. lately my anxiety and fears have become so severe that it’s just interfering with everything. part of the reason that i’m losing (or was losing) is due to this, not simply ed issues. however, i’m actually eating a lot more than i used to, and i would love to eat while enjoying it. it causes me so much panic that i’m often eating a bit, getting up and walking around, taking deep breaths, etc. i hate eating out, not simply because of the unknown calories and what not, but because i don’t know if the person preparing it is ill, i don’t know what they’re doing, i just don’t like people touching my things really. when i do eat out, as a challenge, it’s normally hell. but i used to love eating out! i thought it was special, magical, just lots of fun really. like a treat :) well now it’s like a punishment, really.

are you still there? im so sorry to leave something like this with you. i should have mentioned that this could be triggering, not that i think you might suffer with this (i know i’m not the norm at all here) but that the comments on eating and weight and the negativity that surrounds this post could be a bit of a downer.

im honestly so scared to post this, and i understand (sort of..) if you don’t want to read or don’t get it or just think that i’m mental. but i want you to be honest. i just feel like the biggest fuck-up because i’m struggling with nearly everything at the moment. and i can’t handle responsibility i guess, or any form of stress without it going straight to my stomach and making me literally terrified. and its nearly all the time now. right now i feel so sick and drained and unpleasant. and it feels like someone is sitting on my chest. so i guess that means its partially anxiety? but i feel ill and im so worried about being sick, constantly. and im stressed out about the fact that i’m not going anywhere (positively), and im scared of everything, really. my parents also sort of see my doctor (therapist) and they are meeting with her again, on their own, tomorrow…i hate that they’re discussing me, it just makes me paranoid. i know i need to get better (with this but also physically and with ed stuff, even though she doesn’t focus on that, apart from the weight issue) but the pressure and anxiety that i also get from them (i know they care and i love that, and i know i really negatively affect them, i know that…partly because they tell me all the time) but saying it over and over doesn’t make me think, “oh okay wow i didn’t know that, i’ll make sure to stop being so retarded now”. it just makes me more guilty and more stressed and more hopeless. ugh lskdjflksdj honestly, i never thought i would become this ‘bad’. i legitimately feel as though i have no control over myself. not my body, especially not my mind, not my symptoms (stomach) which tend to cause me the most stress.

and one of the worst things is that i’m not young anymore, im fucking twenty-two. i mean, fuck jen get a grip. take some responsibility. suck it up. i know that most people my age are already working full time, and no one takes any crap like this. but it’s not that its simply stress. i know that people deal with that on a daily basis. but when its debilitating, painful, and interfering with everything, than is it okay to be struggling? i don’t think anyone needs to suffer with this, and it’s not as though i am simply lazy, don’t want responsibilities, don’t want to work. that is not the case at all. i deal with unpleasant things on a daily basis, and i know that life is hard. but this…i mean this is hell. it’s hell on earth, literally. and i really can’t do it anymore. i’ve tried getting help, i’ve tried sucking it up but it becomes too much and then i get scared again and stop trying to move forward. its like im in limbo and i have no way out it seems.

"The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn." -Gloria Steinem

well, there is is :/ i wish i could have delivered a better note but that’s all i really have for now. i attempted to make it short, but my thoughts are never really clear or concise, and they never have been. i also wanted to somehow describe it in a nicer way, but i think that’s impossible, really. instead, i’ve left you with a bunch of words, and a lot of negativity.

"Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe." -Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

i’m not trying to make people pity me though, i do realise that so many of us are dealing with our own concerns, troubles, struggles. please don’t think that i feel as though im a special case or whatever. i just wanted to stop pretending that my main concern surrounded eating, and weight, and everything that connects to that. however, i know that eating disorders are never solely about weight, i do realise that, and i don’t want to come off as ignorant. but for so long i just didn’t mention this, because it’s only become more of an issue in the last year or so, and i was embarrassed, and it just made sense to focus only on the eating thing, especially in this community, because that was something that we all shared, and all struggled with. and it just seemed easier that way, to be honest. ohhh, honesty. somehow i feel a bit better now, i’m not sure if i’m just in a bit of a daze, or what. but the weight on my chest isn’t as strong or heavy. that’s a slight relief :P i know it will come back though, as it always does. maybe all of this is something that i will need to live with, or just learn to adjust in some way.

"‘Because,’ she said, ‘when you’re scared but you still do it anyway, that’s brave.’" - Neil Gaiman, Coraline

i guess i sort of feel that way. i’m, in no way, challenging myself to the extent that others would hope for, but i do feel as though every day is a struggle, every minute sometimes. but i think that’s sort of what a lot of people feel, or maybe it’s not. the thing is, and i keep telling my mom this when she asks me if i’m trying, i feel as though i don’t necessarily shy away from all of the things that im scared of. mainly because i cannot, i mean i can’t avoid them. maybe i’d like to. so, in that retrospect, i do think that i keep doing things that scare me, but then i have to deal with the consequences afterward. and whatever it does to me. that’s when i get angry, because it all comes down to that. and i’m the one who has to deal with it in the end. it’s so much easier said from another point of view, and i have a lot of trouble trusting people because of this. i rarely trust myself, even. because if something goes wrong, well, that’s what im terrified of. yet, it is my life and only i can make it work. and everyone who has helped me has done it for me (and for themselves), so ultimately we’re all trying to make things better, right? it’s not like someone’s holding a gun to my head telling me to try harder. i want to, otherwise i guess i wouldn’t be here. maybe that’s wrong, to say that. maybe i should just stop talking :P i think i will, but i promise that i won’t keep doing this, and that i will return with something happy, for once. because you all deserve that, you really do.