animal crackers & cocoa to drink

Animal crackers and cocoa to drink,
That is the finest of suppers, I think;
When I'm grown up and can have what I please
I think I shall always insist upon these.

What do you choose when you're offered a treat?
When Mother says, "What would you like best to eat?"
Is it waffles and syrup, or cinnamon toast?
It's cocoa and animals that I love the most!

The kitchen's the coziest place that I know:
The kettle is singing, the stove is aglow,
And there in the twilight, how jolly to see
The cocoa and animals waiting for me.

Daddy and Mother dine later in state,
With Mary to cook for them, Susan to wait;
But they don't have nearly as much fun as I
Who eat in the kitchen with Nurse standing by;
And Daddy once said he would like to be me
Having cocoa and animals once more for tea!

By: Christopher Morley

***********

hello loves…

i really want to go buy some right now :) i purchased a book called, ‘simple pleasures’, which is just filled with little things and recipes and quotes to make you enjoy life, even if it’s just a simple adjustment, a yummy cookie recipe (i think i should make it…butter & flour & chocolate!) or eating animal crackers…i love it so much, and i have been looking at it before attempting to sleep at night…after i read from my current book of course. because that’s a necessity.

this morning i went for a very short run, and it was so lovely outside! now, i usually hate it when it becomes warmer, especially because i get so hot. this happened today but i still managed to smile a bit when i first ventured out. windy though!! but, like a warm strong breeze, instead of a more bitter chill like yesterday. although i think i still prefer cooler weather ;P

so…a great deal of this post was written a little while ago (in case it doesn't make sense). specifically, the paragraph below.

im in a funny, loopy, weird mood. i just came from seeing ‘the artiste’ with my papa ;P  ‘twas lovely ;) so great so great and it lifted my spirits. i just remembered why i wanted to act in the first place, and how…well, far from it i am now. i need to get better. seriously, or i will never come close to achieving anything that i dream of. my dreams are…longshots i guess. so i have that against me as well. but with my current state, well it just won’t happen unless i really put my heart into this. ugh but its so daunting…

i wish things were much easier, but i know that life doesn’t work that way---we much work hard to obtain what we truly want. and, since i don’t want to gain + to change my routines and my control (though i don’t feel in control), i have to look at the things that i want to achieve…and then sort of plan how i will get there. i think it’s best to look at it that way, because it makes me actually want to change (almost) if it means that i might sometime be a bit happy.

i know i’ve been very needy lately…but i just am a bit scared. posting here is likely not a good idea, since im just in a bad place and no one needs to hear about that. as a result, i’ve tried to limit it slightly. but i am so scared that i’ll be placed in some sort of program…never mind that im over twenty…i guess thats bull if your parents and/or doctors have a say? ;( please please please no. it’s as if i just don’t want to grow up…looking at it from an outside point of view, it’s just extremely pathetic. even when i try to explain the why’s (why are you doing this, jen?) to my mom, well it’s odd because i suddenly can see it all from her point of view. and it’s so stupid. i can’t explain anything to her without feeling so embarrassed with myself, because it just makes absolutely no sense. yet, instead of really trying to improve…here i am, writing about it on the internet. does anyone ever experience that?

anyway, i will leave you with yesterday’s breakfast. i wish my photos looked better. my food is never that pretty, i mean do people actually take serious time & effort to create a bowl of oats that looks so beautiful? or does it come naturally…that’s my question for today. i want to re-create something like that…but by then i’m sure the thing would be like stone cold.

banana-prune-almond oats ;)

enjoy your wednesday please ;P for me…

lots of love & banana oats xox

“can i be Frank with you?”

hey there loves :) …im starting something new! beginning with a fresh opening, i’ve said the same thing for my whole life bloglife and it just sort of became a habit. then something i thought i had to keep using even though i often wanted to say something else, like….hey youuu guyss….something like that. no, but really, its nice to change though isn’t it?

but breakfast first! so, this morning i enjoyed a bowl of cold cereal: organic wheat squares, banana, raw almonds, 1/2 mini cherry pie larabar, cinnamon, ginger & skim milk. coffee of course before, and then some ‘feeling soothed’ herbal tea (peppermint, fennel, ginger) mmm ;)

i enjoyed the other half, and had some peppermint tea after my walk/shop for food ;)

i feel really sad, and ashamed to say all of this. i know i don’t know many of you personally, it just feels like im letting you and every other sufferer out there down, along with my family & friends of course. this is going to be very very very long. and i understand if you just want to press the ‘x’ or go somewhere else. actually, i think you should :/

well, im sort of taking a break  (medical absence??) from working, well not working? i mean i had not found something legitimate besides the internship, which i will continue as it’s just not a schedule type thing. but my parents just realised how bad things were, and they were a bit upset, and i just feel like a failure but also…im not sure. its weird, ive never taken time off for this, i’ve taken a bit longer to complete things (like my final year, due to medical stuff i guess)…but i know that if i am supposed to devote this time largely to getting better (i don’t even know what that means, or if i was ever 'better’) i actually have to do it. and i feel like im wasting my parents’ time, everyone’s time and i hate it, i want them to be able to live for once, they’ve been taking more time off lately in the lives because i guess they’re getting ready to retire. especially since both kids are finished school, and my brother has been on his own completely (money) for a while. so i’m screwing that up. i just don’t know what to do really, because there are so many things that im supposed to fix, its like…where do i begin?

and im not sure if i should be just blogging about this, i feel like i failed at this, at any form of recovery because i never really intended to do so. and in the process of blogging, i managed to get even sicker. it doesn’t make any sense. and i am in NO way blaming blogging for this, or the community or anyone in any shape or form. it’s whole-heartedly my fault, and i actually knew what i was doing :/ that’s the sad part i think. i don’t even know what to write about anymore, because it all seems made up, phony, like ive tried to be something else on here, or someone else. i don’t even know what i goals in life are anymore. honestly, its like my brain is just, not sure what to do? the dreams, well i would love to get there…but they seem very far off. i mean like endlessly in the future. yet, i guess by recovering im supposed to do something to get to that “future”…my parents sort of have a list of what they would hope for. mostly its just what you would expect. i mean independence, yes. and i know that should have happened right after university. if i had maybe stayed in halifax (province) instead of doing the final year at home…but, ugh i knew i was going downhill then, and i thought it would help to be in the city. plus i knew i wanted to be in the city to start my career, as it seemed to offer more for me than the city where my university was (plus i didn’t really live there, just during school).

well it just sort of became worse i guess. and im scared. like, i don’t even know what this means, or what im supposed to do…thats why i loved talking and messaging with other people that i knew had gone through or were going through something similar. but, in the beginning of this blog, i wasn’t very open i guess. and i didn’t think i really had a ‘real’ issue because i was higher than my lw. which wasn’t low to begin with in my opinion. i had never been to inpatient, though in the earlier years of my struggles i saw doctors and dieticians, and then later on more along the lines of therapists, etc for extreme anxiety and what not :/ but now i need to talk to someone, but i know that it can be very triggering when you’re not in a bad place, to talk to someone who isn’t in the best place emotionally. im not saying im triggering, god honestly i don’t even know if im thin, i know i’ve lost, gradually i guess this happened. and i might be at my lowest but what does that even mean? i guess it doesn’t matter. but…

on a better note…i found these a little while ago!!!!! i just haven’t opened them until today. they were on sale, and now the price is ridiculous, honestly. i thought they tasted the same…perhaps less sweet? i guess that’s the absence of the malt or whatever. i remember that a little while ago i was wishing that they existed, and now they dooo :D so excited. too excited, really..

anyway. ugh, i just don’t quite know what to do. with this, but also with myself. and i realise that most of what i said probably makes no sense, or might really anger people, and i don’t blame you because im angry with myself virtually all the time. im not sure if i should even be posting here, because i don’t really know what i would write. i feel like, in a sick sense, ive achieved part of what i was going for in the beginning. (and i know how wrong that sounds…and also seems like i used people on here to try to gain something, which is sick)…so i guess im just at a bit of a loss. truly at a loss, this time.

this is going to be more triggering…but i always thought that it wasn’t so much about the number, but how i looked. and if i liked the way i looked (usually a no) then i would attempt to change, in order to make myself feel more confident. or just confidence. since i don’t think i’ve ever had much. but right now im aware that i don’t look okay, and my parents and others have stated that i don’t look good at all. so it’s like, hm now i look even uglier. but i know that i hated myself at a higher weight. and then i realised that perhaps the weight isn’t even that low. and because i cannot achieve happiness or confidence, i just need to strive for that number to be lower. its like i hate the way i look either way…so i don’t know what to do in order to not feel ashamed. i know how utterly STUPID this is.

so please, im sorry that i’ve said it. i’ve made myself look even more shallow and ignorant and just plain selfish. i’m not sure why i’m doing this, because i have always valued (perhaps too much) how other people view me, and i just constantly want people to like me. so now im just putting all of this crap out there…and i don’t seem to care. and of course, well i am a bit worried about the things that i share on here, because anyone could find them. i guess that’s why people put their blogs on private, if not delete them (i don’t think i’d ever do that because its like erasing a form of history…but maybe taking things out, or blocking it from view). but now that i don’t even know what im going to do, or if i have a positive future, i guess i just don’t care too much about saying all of this. i don’t know what else to do.

remember when i said that i would write little dreams each night before trying to sleep? well, i sort of did. but then it became more like a to-do list that i had to complete and cross off, in order to feel accomplished. i still want to try it again though. it made me feel a bit more hopeful. (i have no idea who eva is by the way…odd)

im so sorry to leave such a huge mess here ;( i really love reading all your lovely blogs, both past and present. and i love that i feel connected with so many amazing people :) i guess im just not quite sure what to do (uhh i’ve said that like fifty times on here…) but i know that its best to be honest, and i don’t want to keep going on and try to pretend that my blog is positive and about ‘recovery’, when really it isn’t. i just feel really confused, and like i really don’t know who i am, or even who i want to be. <---and that’s the scariest thing, im so particular about everything and i have these plans, and goals (even if they are so unobtainable it’s comical) i never really cared…i just felt like, if everything was just so horrible, at least i knew that i could become something else or i could achieve this amazing thing, and then it would all be okay. but now i just don’t see it anymore. so i find it so hard to change because i have no where to look for hope or motivation, or anything.

“we know what we are. but not what we may be.” (William Shakespeare)

i guess i always seemed to see it other way around…i knew what i wanted, and what i wanted to be and to be like. (or at least i thought i did) but never really knew myself (or cared i guess…since i didn’t really ever like myself). but i guess i need to start looking at it his way ;P maybe that will help. ahh who knows…thank you so much for being so kind and inspirational, and if you read this…infinity hugs & kisses & pb+nanner sandwiches for you ;) xoxox love love love!!!

friday…

hey lovelies :) :)

starting off on a positive note of course…breakfast!!! if only you could make something so lovely last all day and night, and that if you woke up with a good mindset and ate a lovely creation, using your imagination…you would be happy :) im pretty sure that works for some people. ah, if only…:/

breakfast today was apple-raspberry-ginger oats ;)

melange of irish quick oats and bob’s organic oatbran, cooked with frozen raspberries, cinnamon, ginger and natural raw almonds, topped with 1/2 tiny mac apple (microwaved) & crystallized ginger, bit of skim milk too :)

i don’t have a lot to say, so i decided to be fun (yes…) and make a video. it’s boring though, random, and i just talk about stuff…im finding it much difficult to change things and to move forward, and i guess idk its frustrating, for me and for people around me im sure.

has anyone else had crazy mind weather? it was sooo cold last week, and then like 30 degrees warmer within a few days, and down again. its crazy ---> :O like that! aha i don’t know how to do cool smilies. oh i forgot to mention the oscars, which is so sad because i love them, and films, and acting. and i used to make the day a whole event, and i was so excited but nervous, even if im there sitting at home. idk i get nervous for them, other people’s speeches :P but we were away that weekend so i watched it with my mom lying in bed in a hotel/resort room ;P

oh i just remembered something! ahhhhh ;) well, it excites me…

i can’t believe there is such a recipe in there, it was one of the simply smaller books, devoted to “tea time” and what not ;) perfect i think? i’ve never had a french macaroon. macaroons, yes…and i don’t like (or didn’t like) them much, so when i heard of macaroons i assumed it was a reference to those. but nooo ah these are so delicate :) i don’t think i should try this. but perhaps i should eat one from a store? i have no idea where they carry them though ;(

stupid silly thing here, i think i fixed it so its partially public (ish)

anyway, i hope you’re doing well. i know i always say that, but it’s genuine: i really mean it :) i will try to post something happy next time, i really need to work harder, i know that. but actually doing it is the problems. but its just excuses…i want to thank you though for being so kind and honest and sweet. im so grateful to have met such wonderful people through this. and people that i can relate to, and talk to when i need to, especially a few who i feel i’ve become quite close to.

okay, ahhh end of sappiness ;P i love you all like a pb & banananna sandwich (which i haven’t had in a while ahhhh! must make it soon)…

xox love jen

im blue ;(

hey lovelies :):)

oh  boy :/

i really want to talk to you but i hate how negative this will become. i will start with something happy, because the first part of my day today was challenging but fun. and it (sort of..) started with breakfast! i woke up at my place, and after having a banana, etc i walked over to my family house to have breakfast as my mom and i were going to go out for a bit of fun ;P

i had oats with banana, cinnamon and ginger, natural raw almonds and topped with a bit of wheat squares, all mixed up. and a little bit of coffee …

we first ventured on the subway (metro? tube?? however you call it where you live) and went to indigo books to have a coffee at starbucks, and i wanted to use a giftcard that i received from work at christmas time. my mom spontaneously bought a kind bar to eat, and she let me buy one too. though i saved mine. it was a cashew something flavour and she said it was really good! she unwrapped it as carefully as she could, and kept saying “want a bite???” but i wanted her to have it, plus i had just have breakfast. i looked for novels on sale, and also bought two cookbooks at a low price, i think i was able to get five books in total and ohhhh i am so excited to try the recipes, along with the two fictional novels. i will try to get a photo and show you them in a bit. they’re photographed cookbooks which is always inspiring. even if the recipes look nothing like the gorgeous photos after my attempts ;P

ughhhh. okay the following will be triggering, negative, not the best thing to read and i should not be publishing this. but i have to sort things out. my mind is just so jumbled and i have the more conflicting thoughts on a daily basis. and i can't ignore the thoughts, or the urges to do certain things or to want certain things. i know that in order to recover from anything, you need to ignore the negative thoughts and images and focus on what you know is healthy, and the right thing to do. but i have had these thoughts for like...almost eight years? now and then. it's almost a part of me and it seems so wrong to ignore them, even though i know that they are not healthy. because, well healthy is sort of relative to each person. meaning, one person might think one thing, another person will believe in something else. even doctors have their own opinions, and i will constantly be hit with comments, opinions, etc from people that i know, people that i talk to or just listen to.

skdlfkjsd ugh i honestly can't even articulate my thoughts right now. i know im not okay. that is something that i've come to realise. but i am having trouble finding the motivation to get better. i don't even know what "better" means since i cannot remember ever being better. also, im suffering from a lot of things now, anxiety, probably ocd stuff, eating, and it seems like its just a whole host of crap. and my parents have meetings with my doctor too and i honestly feel so disgusted that i make them worry so much, and that they're discussing me separately, and i don't have control over anything. also, i feel so ashamed because i am too fucking old to be this irresponsible and dependent and i was more independent like five years ago. i hate that i put people through pain, and i just wish i could be gone so they wouldn't have to worry. if i gain weight. well okay i'd be heavier, but i'd still be suffering from anxiety, stomach issues, and on top of all of that my body and self-image would be just total hell. i know it would. believe me, i know i don't love how i look now, but i hate it less than before. that will never change unless i just come to accept myself. and i don't see that happening anytime.
i haven't felt as though i should post lately, partially because im so negative. but also because i feel so ashamed of how i am doing at the moment. i never would have imagined that i'd be like this...if you spoke to me say, a few years ago. :/ it's just pathetic.

i just thought of something that i think i want to start doing. before i go to bed, or try to sleep, i think about all the things that i have to do, and it’s very difficult to stop stressing and going over plans, and i feel very stressed out.  but i was feeling pretty unaccomplished a few nights ago and just gathered three or so goals for the next day. and it just made me feel a bit better, and i want to start writing out a few on most nights, and collect them all in a journal. not exactly to-do lists (i have many of those) but even simple things, or larger goals…i won’t share them because that would be embarrassing. but i hope it will help me.

i just finished the novel “the flying troutsmans” by miriam toews and it was so so so good. i love thebes, the eleven year old. i won’t even try to describe it to you as im awful with synopses but you could look it up if you like. she was so carefree and hilarious, and honestly i sort of admire her. she always busted out random lingo and “getto” (is that okay to say that?) sayings. while i was reading about their adventure i found myself reacting to everything that the did, as though they were real people. cringing when they did something that scared me, really admiring them when they did something that i might want to try someday. in general, they had such refreshing outlooks on life, with no concrete plans, they were so spontaneous and it was inspiring to read.

so im going to try harder. recently something happened in my family, well to a family member and the way in which he is handling it is so incredible. i can’t tell you because he doesn’t want us to. but it’s a condition, and although the outlook might be grim, he’s working so fucking hard to try to delay or even reverse any negative effects it might have on his  life. and ours too. and it makes me feel both ashamed (that i can’t take that sort of view and try to fix my own issues) and proud…that he can do that. i want to, i really do, but it’s like i don’t know how. but i also don’t want to sometimes. that sounds awful, but it’s true. everything is so complicated, and i don’t want to change something because i might lose something good, while trying to get better. im not sure if that makes sense. but its the only way that i know how to describe it.

i hope you’re doing well and i understand if you totally skipped this bitch of a post. i might have done the same ;P pleaaaaase keep being amazing and strong, and i will talk to you later love love love xoxoxoxox