“can i be Frank with you?”

hey there loves :) …im starting something new! beginning with a fresh opening, i’ve said the same thing for my whole life bloglife and it just sort of became a habit. then something i thought i had to keep using even though i often wanted to say something else, like….hey youuu guyss….something like that. no, but really, its nice to change though isn’t it?

but breakfast first! so, this morning i enjoyed a bowl of cold cereal: organic wheat squares, banana, raw almonds, 1/2 mini cherry pie larabar, cinnamon, ginger & skim milk. coffee of course before, and then some ‘feeling soothed’ herbal tea (peppermint, fennel, ginger) mmm ;)

i enjoyed the other half, and had some peppermint tea after my walk/shop for food ;)

i feel really sad, and ashamed to say all of this. i know i don’t know many of you personally, it just feels like im letting you and every other sufferer out there down, along with my family & friends of course. this is going to be very very very long. and i understand if you just want to press the ‘x’ or go somewhere else. actually, i think you should :/

well, im sort of taking a break  (medical absence??) from working, well not working? i mean i had not found something legitimate besides the internship, which i will continue as it’s just not a schedule type thing. but my parents just realised how bad things were, and they were a bit upset, and i just feel like a failure but also…im not sure. its weird, ive never taken time off for this, i’ve taken a bit longer to complete things (like my final year, due to medical stuff i guess)…but i know that if i am supposed to devote this time largely to getting better (i don’t even know what that means, or if i was ever 'better’) i actually have to do it. and i feel like im wasting my parents’ time, everyone’s time and i hate it, i want them to be able to live for once, they’ve been taking more time off lately in the lives because i guess they’re getting ready to retire. especially since both kids are finished school, and my brother has been on his own completely (money) for a while. so i’m screwing that up. i just don’t know what to do really, because there are so many things that im supposed to fix, its like…where do i begin?

and im not sure if i should be just blogging about this, i feel like i failed at this, at any form of recovery because i never really intended to do so. and in the process of blogging, i managed to get even sicker. it doesn’t make any sense. and i am in NO way blaming blogging for this, or the community or anyone in any shape or form. it’s whole-heartedly my fault, and i actually knew what i was doing :/ that’s the sad part i think. i don’t even know what to write about anymore, because it all seems made up, phony, like ive tried to be something else on here, or someone else. i don’t even know what i goals in life are anymore. honestly, its like my brain is just, not sure what to do? the dreams, well i would love to get there…but they seem very far off. i mean like endlessly in the future. yet, i guess by recovering im supposed to do something to get to that “future”…my parents sort of have a list of what they would hope for. mostly its just what you would expect. i mean independence, yes. and i know that should have happened right after university. if i had maybe stayed in halifax (province) instead of doing the final year at home…but, ugh i knew i was going downhill then, and i thought it would help to be in the city. plus i knew i wanted to be in the city to start my career, as it seemed to offer more for me than the city where my university was (plus i didn’t really live there, just during school).

well it just sort of became worse i guess. and im scared. like, i don’t even know what this means, or what im supposed to do…thats why i loved talking and messaging with other people that i knew had gone through or were going through something similar. but, in the beginning of this blog, i wasn’t very open i guess. and i didn’t think i really had a ‘real’ issue because i was higher than my lw. which wasn’t low to begin with in my opinion. i had never been to inpatient, though in the earlier years of my struggles i saw doctors and dieticians, and then later on more along the lines of therapists, etc for extreme anxiety and what not :/ but now i need to talk to someone, but i know that it can be very triggering when you’re not in a bad place, to talk to someone who isn’t in the best place emotionally. im not saying im triggering, god honestly i don’t even know if im thin, i know i’ve lost, gradually i guess this happened. and i might be at my lowest but what does that even mean? i guess it doesn’t matter. but…

on a better note…i found these a little while ago!!!!! i just haven’t opened them until today. they were on sale, and now the price is ridiculous, honestly. i thought they tasted the same…perhaps less sweet? i guess that’s the absence of the malt or whatever. i remember that a little while ago i was wishing that they existed, and now they dooo :D so excited. too excited, really..

anyway. ugh, i just don’t quite know what to do. with this, but also with myself. and i realise that most of what i said probably makes no sense, or might really anger people, and i don’t blame you because im angry with myself virtually all the time. im not sure if i should even be posting here, because i don’t really know what i would write. i feel like, in a sick sense, ive achieved part of what i was going for in the beginning. (and i know how wrong that sounds…and also seems like i used people on here to try to gain something, which is sick)…so i guess im just at a bit of a loss. truly at a loss, this time.

this is going to be more triggering…but i always thought that it wasn’t so much about the number, but how i looked. and if i liked the way i looked (usually a no) then i would attempt to change, in order to make myself feel more confident. or just confidence. since i don’t think i’ve ever had much. but right now im aware that i don’t look okay, and my parents and others have stated that i don’t look good at all. so it’s like, hm now i look even uglier. but i know that i hated myself at a higher weight. and then i realised that perhaps the weight isn’t even that low. and because i cannot achieve happiness or confidence, i just need to strive for that number to be lower. its like i hate the way i look either way…so i don’t know what to do in order to not feel ashamed. i know how utterly STUPID this is.

so please, im sorry that i’ve said it. i’ve made myself look even more shallow and ignorant and just plain selfish. i’m not sure why i’m doing this, because i have always valued (perhaps too much) how other people view me, and i just constantly want people to like me. so now im just putting all of this crap out there…and i don’t seem to care. and of course, well i am a bit worried about the things that i share on here, because anyone could find them. i guess that’s why people put their blogs on private, if not delete them (i don’t think i’d ever do that because its like erasing a form of history…but maybe taking things out, or blocking it from view). but now that i don’t even know what im going to do, or if i have a positive future, i guess i just don’t care too much about saying all of this. i don’t know what else to do.

remember when i said that i would write little dreams each night before trying to sleep? well, i sort of did. but then it became more like a to-do list that i had to complete and cross off, in order to feel accomplished. i still want to try it again though. it made me feel a bit more hopeful. (i have no idea who eva is by the way…odd)

im so sorry to leave such a huge mess here ;( i really love reading all your lovely blogs, both past and present. and i love that i feel connected with so many amazing people :) i guess im just not quite sure what to do (uhh i’ve said that like fifty times on here…) but i know that its best to be honest, and i don’t want to keep going on and try to pretend that my blog is positive and about ‘recovery’, when really it isn’t. i just feel really confused, and like i really don’t know who i am, or even who i want to be. <---and that’s the scariest thing, im so particular about everything and i have these plans, and goals (even if they are so unobtainable it’s comical) i never really cared…i just felt like, if everything was just so horrible, at least i knew that i could become something else or i could achieve this amazing thing, and then it would all be okay. but now i just don’t see it anymore. so i find it so hard to change because i have no where to look for hope or motivation, or anything.

“we know what we are. but not what we may be.” (William Shakespeare)

i guess i always seemed to see it other way around…i knew what i wanted, and what i wanted to be and to be like. (or at least i thought i did) but never really knew myself (or cared i guess…since i didn’t really ever like myself). but i guess i need to start looking at it his way ;P maybe that will help. ahh who knows…thank you so much for being so kind and inspirational, and if you read this…infinity hugs & kisses & pb+nanner sandwiches for you ;) xoxox love love love!!!