Animal crackers and cocoa to drink,
That is the finest of suppers, I think;
When I'm grown up and can have what I please
I think I shall always insist upon these.
What do you choose when you're offered a treat?
When Mother says, "What would you like best to eat?"
Is it waffles and syrup, or cinnamon toast?
It's cocoa and animals that I love the most!
The kitchen's the coziest place that I know:
The kettle is singing, the stove is aglow,
And there in the twilight, how jolly to see
The cocoa and animals waiting for me.
Daddy and Mother dine later in state,
With Mary to cook for them, Susan to wait;
But they don't have nearly as much fun as I
Who eat in the kitchen with Nurse standing by;
And Daddy once said he would like to be me
Having cocoa and animals once more for tea!
***********
hello loves…
i really want to go buy some right now :) i purchased a book called, ‘simple pleasures’, which is just filled with little things and recipes and quotes to make you enjoy life, even if it’s just a simple adjustment, a yummy cookie recipe (i think i should make it…butter & flour & chocolate!) or eating animal crackers…i love it so much, and i have been looking at it before attempting to sleep at night…after i read from my current book of course. because that’s a necessity.
this morning i went for a very short run, and it was so lovely outside! now, i usually hate it when it becomes warmer, especially because i get so hot. this happened today but i still managed to smile a bit when i first ventured out. windy though!! but, like a warm strong breeze, instead of a more bitter chill like yesterday. although i think i still prefer cooler weather ;P
so…a great deal of this post was written a little while ago (in case it doesn't make sense). specifically, the paragraph below.
im in a funny, loopy, weird mood. i just came from seeing ‘the artiste’ with my papa ;P ‘twas lovely ;) so great so great and it lifted my spirits. i just remembered why i wanted to act in the first place, and how…well, far from it i am now. i need to get better. seriously, or i will never come close to achieving anything that i dream of. my dreams are…longshots i guess. so i have that against me as well. but with my current state, well it just won’t happen unless i really put my heart into this. ugh but its so daunting…
i wish things were much easier, but i know that life doesn’t work that way---we much work hard to obtain what we truly want. and, since i don’t want to gain + to change my routines and my control (though i don’t feel in control), i have to look at the things that i want to achieve…and then sort of plan how i will get there. i think it’s best to look at it that way, because it makes me actually want to change (almost) if it means that i might sometime be a bit happy.
i know i’ve been very needy lately…but i just am a bit scared. posting here is likely not a good idea, since im just in a bad place and no one needs to hear about that. as a result, i’ve tried to limit it slightly. but i am so scared that i’ll be placed in some sort of program…never mind that im over twenty…i guess thats bull if your parents and/or doctors have a say? ;( please please please no. it’s as if i just don’t want to grow up…looking at it from an outside point of view, it’s just extremely pathetic. even when i try to explain the why’s (why are you doing this, jen?) to my mom, well it’s odd because i suddenly can see it all from her point of view. and it’s so stupid. i can’t explain anything to her without feeling so embarrassed with myself, because it just makes absolutely no sense. yet, instead of really trying to improve…here i am, writing about it on the internet. does anyone ever experience that?
anyway, i will leave you with yesterday’s breakfast. i wish my photos looked better. my food is never that pretty, i mean do people actually take serious time & effort to create a bowl of oats that looks so beautiful? or does it come naturally…that’s my question for today. i want to re-create something like that…but by then i’m sure the thing would be like stone cold.
banana-prune-almond oats ;)
enjoy your wednesday please ;P for me…
lots of love & banana oats xox
Jen, My goodness that poem is just so cute and sweet! That sounds like a lovely book and a wonderful idea to read a bit of it before sleep! It makes me so sad to see you struggling so much, I know how daunting it is to change “comfortable” behaviors… I understand. Growing up can be rough even in the best conditions and then when you add in mental struggles… well you know. And I know it’s makes no sense, how irrational it all feels... I wish there was some way I could help…
ReplyDeleteI have missed seeing your posts around here.
Oh and on the photos topic, I don’t think it comes natural… when I take a picture of a meal it’s usually when I’ve taken some time to actually set it… and there are many times I don’t take a picture because I’ve just thrown my meal together haphazardly. *Hugs* Jen, I hope things start looking up for you.
thank you calla, you're amazing xoc
DeleteHey Jen :)
ReplyDeleteSorry i haven't been commenting lately, but i have been reading all your posts! I can tell from your posts that you are struggling a lot, i know you don't want to come off as needy (you don't btw), but everyone needs help and support for almost everything in life, don't feel guilty its so important to reach out. I know we don't really know each other, but I'm always here if you need to talk, you can Facebook message me or whatever! Im thinking of you :)
Loads of love x
sona, i really appreciate this, i am thinking of you as well; hope you're okay xox
DeleteHi Jennifer, thank you for you comment on my blog. I really understand that feeling of not wanting to grow up. I have it as well.. a part of me has dreams and goals for the future but another part of me also doesn't want to grow up. Not that I want to be a child again, but often I also just don't feel like an adult. I'm turning 21 this year but I somehow don't really feel like this and it's very hard to explain and you also have this strong feeling that you should be behaving and thinking differently but you're not. I also feel ashamed of it and it's impossible to explain to someone who doesn't know the feeling.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're having a good day right now.
♥
:) thank you so much, liadan :) xox
DeleteI feel exactly the same way about writing about things on the internet rather than actually having to say it to someone in person. The internet is more public, but it feels less personal but still helpful at the same time. Its weird :P but I understand what you mean.
ReplyDeleteI know it is so hard to want to change, even though you want to get better. Ive always struggled with having motivation too. And I don't think that changing destructive habits will make you happier, but letting go of your eating disorder will allow you to fully live your life. Being able to experience life and figuring out other issues will make you happy. At least thats what I try to remind myself when I cant think of any good reasons to change.
xo
:) i feel like if anyone that i knew in real life, like parents or doctors/therapists saw this they would be like...:/ ehhh seriously jen? i often feel like its just over-dramatizing everything or like, milking it...but then i also feel like i can work out my feelings and come to certain conclusions and, i don't know, i mean i feel as though i've actually learned a lot through blogging. because i dont journal, well ive written about 'significant' events, so this is a form of that i guess. about the change thing, its just that honestly, the physical aspect (like not feeling pretty, and then not liking my weight) was a huge part of why i wanted to change, like i've always felt that. and i don't want to suddenly not care about my appearance. so the notion that i might someday not care if im thin or not, like it seems scary. i don't want to be like that (i dont think)...although that sounds horrible. anyway ugh idk, thank you though of course, i love your advice :D xoxox
ReplyDelete