my dark cloud

 

hey there ;P …

happy monday loves :) spring is definitely moving along! its a bit scary, actually. time is going too quickly ;( soon i’ll be another year older, i am not even going to tell you the number. but it makes me sad.

i don’t know where to go with this, so i’ll change topics. ive been trying to do things each day, stuff that makes me anxious. which isn’t a huge feat because everything makes me anxious. but whatever, see its just that i’ve realised that in order to become less anxious and panicky and stressed, i have to do more things. but i know i’'ll experience the awful physical and mental/emotional symptoms while doing this, so that is what’s really making me feel hopeless. because i already feel like shit most of the time, so why would i want to purposely make myself feel, additionally (?) shitty...do you have some sort of experience with this? do you just like suck it up? or is it easier each time? its making life a lot worse i think. but i also try to calm myself, or read, watch a film. if that helps. sometimes it does, and other times it doesn’t.

this is just my favourite show in the universe…erky perky. if you have anything to say about it be nice or i’ll probably cry, it’s an australian-canadian co production i believe. oh gosh. ytv kids at 10:10 in the morning, after little bear. yea. i know. i don’t care. i don’t, even. that’s mad margaret and cecil, by the way…

the title of this post is actually from a book i’m reading (or re-reading for the billionth time, since i was ten i think) but i just did a quick search, and someone had asked “can someone please remove this dark cloud over my head” on yahoo, and the first response made me smile. so much ;) sorry if you wrote this btw. i didn’t cite it…

I think I can help. I have a white crayon in my pocket and maybe a sky blue somewhere. I'm going to chase your dark cloud away and send you a big bag of sunshine instead. A bright star is also on the way!

aw how cute is that?!?

for some reason i really want to read goosebumps…but i think we got rid of our numerous copies, which kills me. i used to read them for fun, then regret it afterward when  i’d be scared out of my mind. the same thing is true with the television episodes. i know some people don’t think they’re scary, but they’ve always really creeped me out. i used to just read one book at once, over an hour or so. odd and perhaps a bit tmi but i remember taking one with me to the bathroom and reading the entire thing in like 50 min, but i stayed in there and had like an indent on my bum ;P is that really gross? sorry :( but it was a good book.

hm, anyway, i guess its just that returning-to-childhood memory stuff.

there is a program titled ‘the passionate eye’, which airs (usually) each sunday, and this past week the episode was about a tsunami ‘caught on video’; this referred to the 2004 earthquake and tsunami which hit indonesia and thailand, killing 230,000 people.

i can’t explain it, but it was so shocking. often we watch videos, and it’s not real. it can be horrifying, but at least we can reassure ourselves, jen, that person is not dead, it’s not real. this film was captured in real time, so you would see people trying to hold onto their loved ones while the water just rushed by. and then, they would just break off and be lost underneath. the film also showed interviews of those who had survived.

many of them were so emotional when they re-told the stories of  how they were swept away into the ocean, broken. days after, families were still searching for their children or parents, or spouses. and they would come across photos of dead bodies. oh my god, it was awful. a man was talking about how he lost his two kids when the first waves hit, but days afterward found his son’s name attached to a hospital. but he couldn’t find his daughter. his son asked whether she’d been discovered and, when his dad said ‘no..’ he replied…'then we won’t find her, dad’. i guess he had been with her when they separated, and he knew that if she had not yet been found, then she’d be dead. i can’t stop thinking about it, and hearing the voices or watching these people talk about what happened to them. i guess i often think that these things don’t really happen. you don’t realise how real its is unless you witness it yourself. it seems like something out of a film. but it happened to them and it could happen to anyone. i’m not sure how to explain it, but it just really scared me. i just keep thinking, what if that happened to someone in my family? i don’t really think about myself, or if i were in that position. honestly, i think i’d die if a family member, parent, etc died, that sounds ridiculous, but i just feel sick thinking about it. i honestly don’t think i’d be able to cope.

anyway, wow i’m pretty positive today :/

 

i seem to post the moist unattractive photos of myself. but theres not point in pretending its anything different ;P best to just be honest. my parents are back soon, which means that this little thang will be leaving. i say little, but i totally made a mistake a few days ago. she is supposed to get like 5 treats (greenies i think they’re called) each day, and i had emptied one bag on a shelf high up, so that i could just let her have a few at a time. and i didn’t know she could get up there, but the pile kept diminishing, yet i was just like…hmph..that’s odd. and moved along. but she had been jumping up there and eating a bunch, probably like thirty in a couple of days and i freaked out (at her and in my head) worried that she’d be sick, or get really big. my parents were like, don’t let her have that many jen, she can only have five max. she hasn’t been given any for a few days though, and i think it will be okay. but she out-smarted me. i also feel as though i messed up on that one duty. its like i have no sense of responsibility and tend to fuck things up all the time. with my own life, and now with hers. i mean she’s just an innocent cat, and just believes in her owners and thinks that everything is okay.

i think that’s about it :p hope that all is well with everyone, i’d love to hear more about how you’re all doing. much love xoxox