they forgot about me..

hi there :) happy march…i love how i just completely lost february there.

this is a photo from a few weeks ago, but my breakfast this morning was quite similar; same coffee mug, little cup of milk, and beatrix potter bowl, with the addition of raisins and shredded wheat bites (instead of kashi wheat bites)…otherwise, banana, cinnamon, ginger, almond oats it was!

i don’t think i’ve ever skipped a whole month in the last three years. i also cannot believe that i’ve had this blog for three years. yet…it hasn’t become anything, really. it makes me a bit upset, because i always hope to become something good, to change, to change others. and i really thought that either i’d be doing well by now, or i’d at least have a special and admired blog and lots of friends through it (i’ve met a few, but most i’ve lost touch with completely). i realise that making changes and living in the “real world” is more important than communicating online, but i don’t agree. i have been honest though, something that i wasn’t really keen on in the beginning. i didn’t know what to write, i wasn’t happy but just tried to seem that way. i copied others, i felt like i was never good enough, and never like others who seemed to have a lot going for them. i still think that way, and probably always will. but it’s such a torturing obsession because it will never go away. that’s part of the problem; always wanting to be like others, better, in every sense…it’s really about accepting yourself and if you keep having goals and dreams that are so unrelated to yourself, you will be forever unhappy and dissatisfied with yourself. but i don’t want to accept the present “me”  because i hate her.

i’m currently listening to a cbc program titled, “Rethinking Depression”, which i missed yesterday. it’s an audio podcast, narrated by paul kennedy, who i listen to often on the cbc radio 1 program, “Ideas”. i’m not sure if you can access it online outside canada (i know they broadcast in the states…i think it’s PRI or something?) but the link is here and if you are able to get it, maybe watch it, okay? ;P i just find it interesting, and i’ve always loved film and radio documentaries on subjects like mind/mood/physical disorders, i’m not quite sure why. i think that i’d be interested even if i wasn’t categorized into one or more of those myself.

this was the last of my purebars…i really enjoyed this flavour, and i thought i wouldn’t like it at all. we don’t have the bars here but i’d like to order some again soon on iherb, but not now. i need to work first ;) on that note i attended the information session on the journalism credit i was thinking about. i’m not going to take it now, because it would take another three years to complete, and they do not advice taking more than one or two (or working part or full-time simultaneously) and it won’t be easy to write and work, and start your career, afterward (similar to acting). the idea was to take something like this to help me get into certain writing/editing/media careers, and i was hoping that the credit would provide the experience and “education requirement” for such jobs. but that’s not the case. and since i haven’t worked in a while, and haven’t started a career after graduating university, i just need to get going on that. i might take it later, but i’m not too sure. additionally, i don’t think that career path is for me, since it is very much print journalism-based.

wow, this is a little dry, isn’t it? aha…i didn’t predict this when i started writing. i’m alone again (sort of) while my parents are away…i know i wrote that last time. but this is another situation. i don’t know how much i want to share, but medication-wise, i’ve been trying other things…odd as im listening to this cbc program at the moment, talking about prozac and stuff. but i’ve been on zoloft for…hm i guess since last november, gradually increasing. and i’m at a dose now where i feel like, if nothing positive happens, i might just have to decrease and end. and i hate this, because im terrified of all the side effects and lowering a dose will be just as hellish or maybe worse. does anyone have experience with that? i’m trying homeopathic things too, along with therapy/etc but she’s closing her practice this spring. i hate that i’m on medication, specifically the ssri’s and tricyclic ones (i guess im on a few, but until recently i wasn’t really on anything)…ugh i just…it’s not even helping. and it took me a great deal of physical and emotional stress and turmoil to actual take anything. i get very fearful of this, and of being sick and then dependent, etc. so, the fact that it hasn’t helped…i mean it’s just another slap in the face. and it’s not like i can just continue to try things, because i could do that for my whole life (assuming its long) and i can’t do that. i sort of knew things wouldn’t work, though. i have to change and develop and branch out, myself. but, i have a lot of physical anxiety and stomach/bowel symptoms that i had hoped would diminish, especially in connection with severe panic and anxiety. i don’t really know what to do, and it’s as though i hardly care anymore. i have nothing to look forward to because i am now realise how little i am capable of. i guess i don’t really believe in myself.

gosh, i’m really sorry. i’m not a pleasant person in writing or in person, and that hurts. it really hurts. but sometimes i don’t even feel that, im in a daze. i say things like that, use strong and descriptive and wrenching words yet i often seem disconnected. i just state something so horrible with a straight face. and at other times it really hits me, just how shitty i’ve made my life.

as i write this, i am still listening to the podcast: “anti-depressants won’t fix a bad life”. how pertinent. a few of the quotes (now by actual people, patients) are resonating with me. not the medication side, i feel like im coming across as so melodramatic, but i don’t feel that way all the time. i just heard one case talking about how he had recently applied to a job that he truly wanted (he then said, “you know how you apply to jobs that you don’t love, but you need to try out because you just need something? well, this was one i really wanted”). he received a rejection letter from that one job, the dream job, and he set him on a downward spiral once again. i just find that odd, because i am thinking about similar things while listening to this, and certain parts keep popping up while im writing. idk how to explain, it’s a bit eerie.

anyway, i’ll just end this now before i say anything else ;P i thought this post might be short (&sweet) but i guess i can plan that for the next one, right?

xox lots of love, jennifer