and so it goes...

hi there :) 

if anyone's out there, i just wanted to post a little thing and talk a little bit. i miss this and i guess i feel the need to share a bit. hopefully some of you are still out there as i really miss this community ;( i just miss talking to people who understand and can relate to some of what i'm feeling or going through. and tumblr will never let me post my own photos which makes me sad (although they're shit quality anyway aha)

i had some stove-top oats today after a little run and what not. very short, im pretty lazy these days:

banana-almond-spiced oats cooked w soymilk/water, cinnamon/ginger, frozen banana and topped w some muesli, raw almonds and a few shredded wheat...along w some coffee.

those are not very pretty but they tasted okay. i feel like i've never been able to take really nice photos like everyone else, but oh well! it's not important, and often they don't taste very good or are not as appealing if i take five years to capture a photo that no one sees. it's sort of sad, actually.

chocolate-walnut oats w crumbled shredded wheat! these are enjoy life chocolate chips so they're vegan as they don't have dairy or egg and what not, i like using them in baking but they're commonly used for people w severe nut (and other) allergies. i've only purchased their bars and cookies (once for the cookies, many times for the little bars) ...

i captured a few more though on random days when i thought things looked sort of appealing...

cold cereal mixture (bran flakes, shredded wheat and cheerios) i think w milk. i used to have this sort of thing all the time, i could never choose one.

otherwise i have no idea what i'm going to do or how i'm going to get better, it's pretty sad but i'm getting so much older so quickly and it's scaring the shit out of me more than before.

and some elle, because she's perf. and it has nothing to do with food which is refreshing and something i need to try to focus on. i can't believe how close christmas is, and how the year is nearly over. it's scary and things are going by so quickly yet in the moment they seem to drag on, particularly on rough days (which is most days). i want to see old friends but im so scared of what they'll say or do or not say because i know i look awful, like total utter crap. and im basically at my lowest and far from what they have seen and it's also embarrassing and i just can't stop thinking about that. either way, fat or thin, i'm scared to see people and worry about their reactions. 

im still working part time at a local library while hoping to get into film/the arts (yet right now it's not even on my mind, nor is finding more work which would be ideal just because i'm not doing well and trying to focus on health yet not achieving anything). and i worried about losing my job if i had to take time off for some long-term sort of treatment (that was one of the concerns but i have like fucking thousands as to why i don't want to be placed into a treatment facility) and then my supervisor has been off for months now because of some unknown illness, and i just found out that she has some sort of stomach/bowel cancer and they don't know what it is and she won't be back for a long time (providing she recovers, harsh but i guess that's a possibility) and that makes me feel awful and life just is a pile of ass sometimes. i hate how all my gross remarks and sayings have to do with poo.

anyway, that's all. i think i want to start posting more often but i worry about sharing so much on the internet. even if no one reads this now, "the internet is forever" as they say. idk do they even say that? well i say it, so that counts for something ;) lots and lots and lots and lots of love and hope to talk to some of you sometime soon