hiiii there :)
my babyyy ;) on Christmas eve...
I realise that no one will see this as it's been over a year and, even if someone followed these posts they likely took me off their sidebar thing after such a long time. it's okay, I understand ;P although I have a couple of old blogs on there still, hoping they'll pop up randomly some day. I have no idea why i'm writing this actually...I just need a bit of an update on here and I don't want to delete this entirely. I need a "2014" on the page, so here it is. I've had a shitty past little while, stuff happened, didn't happen, etc. im working a little bit and some things are moving forward, but others are not and im genuinely a bit scared that I can't do it anymore. i'm not in denial, but it's just sort of frustrating/scary at the same time and everything is combining into one shit show and the physical and emotional symptoms and things that i'm experiencing could be caused by so many things yet the only aspect that anyone is focusing on is the weight. "if that increases, it will get better". I've had these symptoms (among others too) at my highest, so I know that this is not necessarily the case. regardless, the anxiety/ibs/other things (I know labels suck and I feel fake when I use them, so I apologise for that) must be addressed.
old photo from this past winter, that's all i'm showing as I look horrible now (I am not implying that I look great here though!) honestly, it's upsetting. and ugly. anyway! blahhh.
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wlekjlksjfd ew fuck sorry I just wanted to pop by and say 'hi' (to no one, probably ahaha...) and im going on about my own boring life as usual. I just miss posting and recently looked back through my old ones, which was fun to see food and breakfast things, sad to see that I am struggling with the same things (and I thought I was going to be better at the time, and I can just read past the words and have distinct memories of each post sometimes, and of what I was feeling regardless of what I wrote down)...and I just to stop thinking of the past and move the fuck on. everyone else has, I realise. seriously though, in real life too (not that the people I connected were not 'real', they are still more important to me than other people I know in person)...but people keep getting married and I see these updates on facebook and I scares me. but I mean, I am not young anymore so i'm not sure why it shocks me so much.
this is old, but they came to Canada :) we also have the cocoa and cocoa-orange (which I don't really like as i'm not a bit orange-chocolate fan) but they don't have any others and I wish we had the ginger one or banana because there are no more ginger bars out there as the larabar one retired (it never made it to Canada-land anyway)...but they're so fucking cauuuute like little larabars when you open them and shaped in a little log. they have other things like the trek bars, maybe they're like clif bars? we don't have any of the other uk things here but they look cool and I see them when people from the uk post on tumblr or instagram (I don't even have a freaking phone and I go on there I so pathetic wtf jen)...
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if anyone is reading this and wants to chat or anything, please let me know okay? do I sound desperate? I am :) anyway, lots and lots and lots of love, sorry for the random-ness of this and of myself in general. ugh i'm trying :/ xoxoxoxox
p.s.
because I have to include a breakfast photo :)
I definitely read this for what it's worth. I definitely also wouldn't stop following you after a year, or 5 years or 10 or ever. I was honestly so happy to see an update from you, I wish you'd update more! I hadn't seen posts from you on Tumblr for a while so it was nice to see this. Sorry things have been hard, I know it is soo super frustrating when people only care about the weight. Ugh that is my biggest pet peeve ever and honestly makes me so angry (because we all know the pain causing the weight issues in the first place doesn't get fixed with weight gain!! Why can't people understand that, ugh.) But I could go on forever about this so I'll spare you. :) I will say that the only merit that argument has I guess is that I do seem to think better now. Like my brain works better or something but that being said I totally totally understand the frustration and wish I could help you get your loved ones to understand that better. I wish I could get MY loved ones to understand that better! ha
ReplyDeleteJen girl I love you. That's probably a little weird of me to say since we've never met each other but it's true, I care a lot for you and think you are being too hard on yourself too. It's soo easy to get frustrated with yourself though, I totally get that. Especially when everyone IS getting married, and moving on with their lives or whatever. Ugh it's the worst, I'm happy for them whatever but it's just so weird for me and like you said, totally freaks me out to think about. It's like cool here I am hardly able to talk to boys let alone marry one (or want to). ha so ya I totally get that, it's discouraging and frustrating to not be like everyone else, but I think it's important to try and remember that we all have different life paths. You know? As cheesy as that sounds but it's true.
Love you girl, always here if you want someone to talk to.
Haylee :) you're incredible. I feel as though we are so similar, it's a bit freaky. just in terms of things you write down, I know we're a bit different in age, im older :/ blah I hate saying that. but thank you and I love you and I don't think its weird to say ;P thank you for this xoxox
DeleteJen!
ReplyDeleteI was so excited to see this pop up! I've thought about coming back to blogging...but I couldn't come up with a good reason aside from having something to look back on, hold onto memories. I'm so sorry to hear things are being such a struggle for you. I get so frustrated with the whole outside perspective of gain weight and everything gets better, I'm sure on some level it helps but my experience hasn't made weight the determining factor. I am sure I could ramble on but I'd rather not.
And oh boy are those facebook updates terrifying. How do so many people seem to have their life pulled together and moving on? And having babies? eek!
I am so jealous of the nakd bars! I've wanted to try one for ages, especially the ginger one. I can't believe larabar discontinued gingersnap (such an amazing one), all of their new ones seem to feature chocolate and coconut.
I do the same thing, looking at instagram (no phone either) but I think I'm attempting to gain some inspiration from some of those photos and getting a wee bit jealous about things I can't get here.
Sorry this is rather disjointed and sporadic, I feel like I haven't strung words together in a while to try and say something coherent. But you are a lovely person and I really truly hope that things start to look up for you. I'm here to try and chat if you want. xxxCalla
Calla :) I saw a few of your (sort of recent) posts and they always made me smile and feel happy. thank you for this, you're so sweet and i'd love to chat more. not sure if you'll see this, I tend to reply to all comments even though people likely don't check back on someone else's blog but I want you to know that I saw this. xoxox
DeleteI'm so sorry you are having such a hard time :( I wish there was something I could do to make it all better... but if you keep fighting it WILL get better. I never took you off my sidebar and I am glad to see a post from you as I was worried and have been thinking about you ;)
ReplyDeletekeep fighting because you are worth it!!
thank you, jenn :) I hope you're doing okay xoxox
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