what do i want?

i’m crying as i write this because i have no idea. i know what i don’t want. that's a lot easier for me to list. i don’t want to be me. i don’t want to be scared, no, terrified. all. the. fucking. time. i don’t want to feel sick. i don't want to be sick. i don’t want to be old. i want out of this mind, this body, this life. but it’s not really a life. i haven’t had a life in so long. i can’t remember what living feels like. 

i used to write here. today i decided to look back on old posts, which was a poor choice. i thought i'd feel inspired to get back to a slightly easier time. at the time, i was struggling, so looking back and realising just how completely and utterly shittier life became…i just feel so badly for that old me. i sort of want to warn her, to tell her that i’m sorry for what is going to happen. for what is coming. i thought things were rough, but i knew nothing of how rough they could get. so i decided to write on here a bit, because i know no one reads it so I don’t feel that embarrassed (yet). if someone did happen to find it, i’d be so ashamed at how bad things are still. i mean, how fucking long does it take to get better? is it possible? before, people could say that i didn't give 'help' a try...but now that i have, why am i still so sick? i don’t even know what i have. i don’t have a name for it. i’m just me, and i’m really fucked up. 

okay, it feels so sick and wrong to leave a post like this on a blog that i used to put oatmeal photos and little quirky tidbits on, so here we go :)

 okay now i'm crying again because i miss her so much ;(