im sorry

i want to should delete that last post because of how awfully negative it is.

i had not posted (semi) regularly in so long, and only wrote a short note after my cat died in january. i think it would have been best to just leave it at that. prior to that post, i had not written in a few years. i also thought that the post signified a new chapter, as i left one week later for ip and just never came back to writing. i miss writing things down here, however negative they may be.

i have an instagram, but it's just not the same. a main deterrent for me is that it's all done on a phone and i find it so hard to write so much from my phone ;P i can't write that fast and constantly have typos. plus, some people that i know in real life can see it, which makes me a bit uncomfortable. i guess i just felt like expressing myself more through writing, and not simply either in my head or aloud to my unfortunate family members. they don't deserve that :( i'm not sure what to do. i might just keep doing this and then eventually delete specific ones. i don't want to delete my blog; partly, because of the time that i put into it, and  also because it just documents so much of my life that i would feel like i was erasing something important (even if no one else sees it). i think that's why i haven't deleted it, even though i haven't posted regularly in several years. at the time i had very few readers, but now they are all gone, and i've never properly moved on. so i guess that's why i'm back here. i can't really move on. i think it's mainly because i'm still so unwell (more mentally now i guess, as i am physically--on the outside--at a better place than i have been in the past several years)...i just can't let go of things. mentally and internally (gut, ibs, etc) things are a completely wreck. that's not new news to this blog though ;) i've shared a few too many complain and tmi posts that were probably not well-appreciated.

i started this a little while back, but i think i want to finish it. i just feel like writing, just to express myself a bit that doesn't involve other people ;P it looks like fall (autumn) but it's actually quite warm. where i live it's unseasonably warm, actually, but the leaves are still beginning to change. i love autumn. i love the colours, the temperatures, the styles. i have some negative memories or associations with this season (i think i do with all of them though, and that might be true for everyone) but i try to also take note of what i love about it.

i hope i can stop by occassionally to share little snippets (to no one, but that's okay) and some day they might actually be a little bit positive. that's all for now, though.

xoxjennifer 

what do i want?

i’m crying as i write this because i have no idea. i know what i don’t want. that's a lot easier for me to list. i don’t want to be me. i don’t want to be scared, no, terrified. all. the. fucking. time. i don’t want to feel sick. i don't want to be sick. i don’t want to be old. i want out of this mind, this body, this life. but it’s not really a life. i haven’t had a life in so long. i can’t remember what living feels like. 

i used to write here. today i decided to look back on old posts, which was a poor choice. i thought i'd feel inspired to get back to a slightly easier time. at the time, i was struggling, so looking back and realising just how completely and utterly shittier life became…i just feel so badly for that old me. i sort of want to warn her, to tell her that i’m sorry for what is going to happen. for what is coming. i thought things were rough, but i knew nothing of how rough they could get. so i decided to write on here a bit, because i know no one reads it so I don’t feel that embarrassed (yet). if someone did happen to find it, i’d be so ashamed at how bad things are still. i mean, how fucking long does it take to get better? is it possible? before, people could say that i didn't give 'help' a try...but now that i have, why am i still so sick? i don’t even know what i have. i don’t have a name for it. i’m just me, and i’m really fucked up. 

okay, it feels so sick and wrong to leave a post like this on a blog that i used to put oatmeal photos and little quirky tidbits on, so here we go :)

 okay now i'm crying again because i miss her so much ;(

evey

(sometime) in 2001---January 24th, 2019 ... our shelter ragamuffin'

i will love you forever, baby xox

i'm sorry i can't write much about you right now, but whoever knew you would understand ...

you meant everything to me and i am so happy that i got to be in your life

i hope you're still smiling, girl 

twenty-seven

hi there 💓

i have no idea if this is a good idea, or if i will complete this...or what i'm doing, really.

(edit: i started this toward the end of november--see title..i think that referred to the date ;P--and just finished it now; i just need to go ahead and publish this before i forget; i'm really not pleased with the result but i never am, really).

i know that no one will likely see this, and perhaps that's why i'm okay with putting all of this out there. lately i have had more people in my 'real' life finding out things about my health physically/mentally, and i also am realising that things on the internet are even less private than i thought, and i just feel as though i have no outlet or anywhere/place to write or talk or think without someone i know seeing it. so i guess no one knows about this and, if they do, i don't think it really matters anymore as i have very little credibility or dignity, i guess :/  

this is all sounding very confusing, even to me, so i'll try to elaborate a little bit if i can.

i find myself, more than ever, looking back on times and memories with a sort of longing--even times when i wasn't happy and desperately wanted to change (physically/mentally/etc) ... the thing is, because i'm really not doing well, those 'bad' times look 'good' :(

i'm taking too long to post this and, at this point, i don't even know if i will finish it or publish it :/ blah. i miss this community 😢 but it's been so long (honestly i can't believe i started this over six years ago) and obviously people have moved on. that's a good thing! why can't i be okay with this? i think it's partly because i miss them. i'm also sort of upset that it's hard for people to connect outside of a connection like an illness when the others are in a better place...it's like the only thing we had in common was that we had eating issues of some sort? from the beginning i felt connected in more ways than that and i think i just wanted a friend, or a few...i didn't want to just have some disease in common and ..i don't know what i'm even saying. does this make sense? no... okay, so i started to look back at old photos on the blog (i didn't spend too long, don't worry, i know doing that is sort of self-destructive) ...

 

this was from when i first read this in my little apartment in third year of uni (i've probably read it about thirty times, and i'm re-reading it at the moment)

wish they sold this somewhere near me :(

i still love shredded wheat (most of the time)

and oatmeal (again, most of the time...often the things i think i love turn out icky or make me feel blah or mess up...it's odd)

as i always have (almost, anyway..) i will include a breakfast photo; after all, that's sort of what inspired my blog writing to begin with :) a love for breakfast ...
... ever since i was little, it's been a favourite of mine 😘🍌☕

xoxox

slow down, world

hello :) 

...and happy friday (or black friday i guess, as even in canada we've adopted that crazy day)...

i won't be shopping though, but i have work scheduled later on and, to me, it's just the last friday of november. which is scary and crazy and a bit overwhelming; time just keeps moving along so quickly). 

 

this morning's quinoa & oats (stovetop quinoa and quick oats mix) w vanilla/ginger/cinnamon, water/almond milk, chia seeds, a touch of cocoa and a sprinkle of enjoy life chocolate chips and autumn wheat squares

i am just sitting here half in my pjs/half dressed because im too cold (or lazy) to change even though i need to get going. i'm sipping more coffee (well, i had coffee before breakfast and now i am having instant which is stupid for too many reasons: number one, my stomach...number two, it tastes awful, and number three...it's instant, i mean what am i actually doing...???)

this is old but i wish i could find this peppermint tea ;( they sell the brand but not this one near me

on that topic (old photos not tea) i keep spending a lot of time, too much time, looking back at photos from here and oddly finding myself sort of longing for a bit of it; but, at the time, i was unhappy with my body, homesick, physically sick...etc and one of the things i wanted was to change my body of course; yet now, im still sick physically, emotionally, and much lower in terms of weight...i guess that says something. or maybe im just spending too much time looking at the past because my future seems sort of hopeless now. i have two options essentially...to continue like this or to just go where i really don't want to go and make everyone happy. i might have three, but the third option is getting much harder to try to reach even though i feel as though i'm really trying as hard as i can on my own. 

 i really didn't want to get into this and i thought writing here would bring out something positive. i think i'll just stop soon before i post too much and then regret it. whaat a dump of a post, i really wanted to write something inspiring... ;) baha, that's funny, jen. oh i just heard adele on cbc (radio) and she make me laugh, her accent is too cute. anyway, i must go and get ready (i've made several pauses in this post to go out, have a snack, tea, food prep and what not but i always do that) ...hope anyone reading this is doing well. i guess i will say happy thanksgiving to any americans even though no one usually wishes us a happy thanksgiving in october but whatever, i can deal i guess.

lots of love 

xoxox

jennifer

almost autumn :)

hello :)

i realise i haven't posted anything in a long, long, long, time...and therefore anyone who read this likely doesn't anymore. but i felt like writing a little bit and though i'd just put it down here. maybe it will help, who knows? now that i'm here, though, i don't really know what to say.

                  this is old but i had a similar breakfast today (oats insead of cream of wheat, and topped with a banana crunch nakd bar and toasted wheat germ instead of the strawberry crunch and hemp hearts...)

i work this afternoon at the library, and plan to go up north to my cottage for just a day and a bit tomorrow; it may be almost my last time...and possibly last season if my parents sell it before next year ;( i hope they don't. i haven't been up much partially because of my own schedule and it's a huge connection to my childhood, so it would be odd without it.

this is back from 2010, but it's the same :)

anyway, i've been really anxious (more than usual i guess) at work as they've put me on the circulation desk when i'm trained as a page, and i have very little experience there...but they do that when they're short-staffed and i was there for the majority of my shift wednesday and it was so awful aha i was just trying to do what i could. the only positive thing i guess is that when i complete any tasks/duties that are at the level of a higher position i get paid at that rate which is like double mine, so i guess that's a plus... ;)

honestly, is anyone there? i mean even if you're not blogging, and you've moved on, i'd love to connect with some people as well. i'm not doing well in the slightest but i wouldn't drag you down with me (mentally--in terms of eds--i'm sort of okay, just not physically...and anxiety-wise obviously i'm not at a good place) but otherwise i'd love to talk to some people :) i miss you. whoever you are. i don't really mind that i spend time looking at the past because i need some sort of motivation and hope and the future doesn't seem so bright, and looking ahead isn't working well at the moment. partly because i'm likely going somewhere hellish and i have little to no choice about it anymore because it's just been too long and i've had too many 'chances' apparently. but that's pooopy talk and i don't want to write about it.

but i don't know what to say, so i'll keep this short. oh! i'm reading "up and down" by terry fallis (he lives in toronto!!!) at the moment, as i'm in a book club in the year (funny me, actually it's part of a local church which i've never belonged to/been to for actual church and everyone else in the group is over seventy yet they accepted me nonetheless) ...and the group starts again in a couple of weeks after being off for the spring/summer so i need to hurry up. it takes me so much longer to get through books now which is sad, and my concentration/motivation isn't there. i love reading though ... :( idk what's wrong.

hope you are well (whoever is reading) and i will touch base again soon. 

xox lots and lots and lots of love,

jennifer

raisins & almonds

happy spring :) :)

what a perfect thing to say when it's freezing rain and just above freezing temperatures in my city :o but it's supposed to get up to fourteen (celsius) tomorrow which seems like a little bit of a long shot.

breakfast from sometime last month i think...it's in a folder labeled "fall/winter '14" so i assumed so...

anyway, i just wanted to say hi and write a little bit, hoping there might be someone out there listening. and, if not, i think it's just a bit therapeutic at times. i might write this down in stages...like i'm going to get a snack now because i'm hungry.

***okay it's now a few days later and much warmer now; it's saturdayyy, but i work today :/ oh well. obviously i have no work ethic as i left this post right in the middle. i miss blogging but i never have much to say, i mean anything positive or noteworthy or just interesting. 

i can't believe this was almost five years ago :/ i had just come back from third year university in another province, i can remember this day (and sharing this bar--which was from another blogger in the states--with my parents); that's so sad how i remember that much, i need to stop focusing on the past so much, seriously...

i went for a short run this morning (very very very short) and it was sort of spring-ish but colder than yesterday, although there wasn't as much wind (the wind was crazy yesterday and i was pretty much blown over several times on my way to and from work ahah..not funny though) ... anyway...what's new with you? whoever is reading this...i'd love to know ;P oh! my eldest cousin (i guess full cousin, though her father is my dad's half-brother as they just share a mother) had a baby early yesterday morning i believe (she's in San Francisco/we're in Toronto, and with the time difference i think it was about five am our time) and it's the first great-grand-child which is great for my grandmother as she won't be around much longer. her name is madison :) i love it. my mom was like, "...madison??? ...oh, so maddie; aw that's cute, now that's cute!"

just drinking my coffee...

i feel like this winter has been the longest one of my life. normally i like cooler temperatures (compared to the insane awful heat of the summer) but this past year has been sort of hellish. i say this as a total privileged first world/developed country sort of thing because i realise that my life is non-comparable to most and that these 'problems' of mine are rather insignificant. but still...it's been a bit brutal hasn't it? but i'll regret saying this in a couple of months when i'm dying of heat exhaustion. i wish the seasons were like they used to be; at least spring and fall. they are so short now, just a few nice days and then an immediate temperature change into the unpleasant winter or summer months. it depends on where you live, of course, but we used to get nice spring and falls. at least, that's how i remember my childhood. i grew up in a small town north of my city though, so maybe that's why.

i don't really know how to end this, but hopefully i can write here again with something fun. wish you all the best and happiness and what not ;P ... 

lots of love xoxox

forever and ever winter

 hi there J

i still do write here! …from time to time; I haven’t deleted so I always have a bit of something to come back to (plus I hate to delete so many posts even if they are a bit shit, it seems like erasing the past and that just feels wrong);

i’m sort of posting now because I spent some time, once again, looking at old posts from the beginning until now, photos, food, thoughts (which were both repetitively-negative but also made me feel sick and sad because i know now how i felt then, but also because so much of those issues have remained and then manifested into others…literally five years later… :/ I still cannot get over that last part…

(some oatmeal from a while ago…we’ll call them ‘sunbutter-chocolate-almond’ oats i think)

Because I have to include a breakfast photo even though I haven’t posted regularly in over a year :o … I don’t even know if anyone sees this but I still feel connected to it and it represents my past in a sense, so I will just start writing random things. It’s cold :O actually, it’s warmer than it has been but we were just hit with another “winter starrrrm” and its snowing and blowing and will likely make all the slush freeze over when another polar vortex hits later in the week :/ blahh. My parents are in new Orleans and had the nerve to mention that it was colder than usual there ;P I think the temperature was going from like 75 to …wait, 75 F (which is like the mid teens or something C? im not American so we don’t “do” fahrenheit  ;p); wlkdjfsk suddenly im really anxious and im trying to drink this thing and its so sweet and I don’t think my body agrees and my mind doesn’t but there’s no point in going on and on and on about it…oh! Okay, these are cute: 

A couple nakd crunch flavours have come here which is pretty cool and I love the colours J

I found the banana not as nice which was odd as I love banana...

(but not always banana-flavoured things so it tasted a bit fake and very sweet) but I want to try it again and hopefully I’ll like it more…partly because I have another three right now I think… I wish we had the mocha and regular banana, rhubarb something ones and the raisins look really cool, like flavoured raisins?!? I have only seen those dried cranberry ones that are “blueberry-flavoured-craisins” but they are often the low sugar ones so they’re just sweetened w splenda or something which isn’t really what I want, I mean if they just put less sugar maybe, but then adding a sweetener which is even sweeter and messes w digestive systems sometimes, it wouldn’t be nice/sweet/see what I did there? oh god im such a fucking dumbass, does anyone actually remember me, posts, anything? I know it’s sort of sad that I haven’t changed at all and you are probably wondering why im even writing this down…

I don’t know what to say besides stating the obvious; I’m not okay. Okay, that’s evident I guess if you knew me right now in real life. There are so many things than I want to tell you, yet can’t; they’re just not things you put out there and, even if it was more acceptable to share everything to a world wide web of people/things, it’s not fair for people to read; and it’s not healthy for me either I guess; but I just needed a sort of outlet and I do like writing here sometimes, I just feel that (especially since no one that I used to connect with blogs anymore) I don’t feel as though i’m talking to anyone anymore, which makes this process even more overwhelming and I don’t even know if/or who sees this? I mean I realise I’ve already sort of shared “too much” from the beginning, that ball has dropped ;P or whatever they say; for some reason I am writing down so many puns/corny sayings but completely butchering them in the process…ahhsdlkfj okay I guess I mean I have changed in some ways, not in others, and I think it’s better not to write it all down; it would be pointless, right? Right. It’s starting to hail now and it’s dark out, although it’s just a bit after 4pm and I just keep feeling more anxious, about work (though I’ve been there a while) and food and my body’s reaction to things, ibs, sickness, anxiety, being alone right now for a longer period of time, not knowing if I’ll make it to work or be okay there, or if I can eat “this” or challenge with “that” and yadadsldkjflsklblahh thoughts thoughts thoughts. I guess they’re just thoughts. And, although they seem to control things, I am really the one who can control them and change and make myself see things in a better light. It just becomes so difficult when nothing positive really presents itself even loosely in my direction. But I have to watch closely I guess, or listen.

I hope that everyone is doing well, whoever that is ;) if anyone is reading this I hope that you’re happy. And I hope that you’ve had a good day, or night, or morning…and if not, that things turn around right now. With the hit of this publish button aha …

oh god, anyway. that’s all. xoxox so much love and hope to talk again soon