challenges

hey lovelies :):)

i'm posting late. but this morning i went for a short run, and for breakfast after showering and what not, i had a lovely bowl of cold cereal, mixture of organic multigrain squares, rice crispix, shredded wheat squares and a tbsp of almond raisin granola, plus a banana, 10 little almonds, skim and ginger + cinnamon!!! i loved it yes i did :D

this is clearly a gorgeous simplybreakfast photo, but i think it
looks beautiful, and it is cold cereal and milk :)

so...what is new? i'm really trying to update myself with all the blogs, ones i've missed or somehow not had on my blogroll thus sort of lost track of. and it makes me happy. and sad..like when people are struggling, but then in a bad way i feel a bit more comforted. that sounds horrible, not that you are struggling but hat i'm not alone. im sorry that is not nice at all.

i just love this bowl, it looks calming and yum. i don't normally put nearly the amount of milk here, i have it sort of dry but sometimes this is nice you know?

hmmm so i plan to open my raisin bran tomorrow (gee im so exciting..), i was worried/still am that it was in the cupboard for a few weeks but unopened it says bbf like next year i think? i shall check. i tried a bit and i'll have more next time i hope. when i first sort of got into my disorder and had to gain, well its more complicated but i remember when i was measuring everything (which i don't do anymore yeee, plus now that i wash dishes it would create even more, and i spend so long on them already)...i would have raisin bran everyday. like 1/2 cup milk, 1 cup raisin bran. maybe like 1/2 cup juice on the side. tehe :) i would get an our compliments store brand with extra large raisins, then sometimes not shake the box so that when i got near the end it was like RAISIN CENTRALLL :D it fully made my day but really hard to chew. sort of a mouth workout i guess. and i would never factor in the difference in cals because obviously the basis of calories in raisin bran comes from the raisins. i was more concerned about fat. like i counted fat and not calories, i thought that was how it worked so that's when i first lost a lot, i was like 14-15...and yea i just tried to stay like under 20 or less i don't know, maybe 15 sorry if this is triggering, but that scares me a bit. if i had continued just with that whole fat decrease i might have damaged something gahh. all this talk from a bowl of cereal...

tea

i have something that will make me sound so stupid. i hate what i did, like i hate that i let certain fears restrict me, and im just so angry with myself. today i met my mom for tea, and we wee also dropping something off, and somehow things got delayed and i was all "gahh im going to be dehydrated" etc...and we walked to Timothy's (sort of like Starbucks or Second Cup..wait the US doesn't have Second Cup though right?) anywho, a nice coffee place. and she got a normal tea and i just felt like i wasn't going to be able to have mine and i told her so, i didnt want her to waste money, and they didn't have peppermint left so i chose organic chamomile which sounds lovely, and thinking back now...i used to buy that then i realised i was just spending so much on food so i got regular chamomile. ugh. and i couldn't even drink the fucing tea. i sat her talking with her ad listening, she was being amazing despite my constant, honestly just total whining, i was upset that i couldn't do it and then going back and forth, ten saying sorry...i hate myself so much honestly you have no idea, if i could only explain it in words but i just start crying wen ithink about what happened. and part of it is that i can't explain why its such an issue, im just messed. but we will go again, i used to get coffee and everything "to-go" all the time. and it was fun. next time i'll get a non tea thing, i get freaky about them touching it en though they make the coffee. im such a fuckup. lksjdlfjsk anyway, i cant have too much coffee but maybe if we went in he morning, a decaf? i used to drink their coffee all the time, they have different flavours but then i thougth it wasn't strong enough, i didn't like flavoured coffee, blahh..but we will have a coffee out together, and erhaps with a snack? they had this photo/promo where you purchase a loaf slice (that sounds gross) i need an elegant word, well i'll say cake. and you get a coffee...and the photo was gorgeous this lovely slice of carrot cake and a steaming cup of coffee :) but the thing is, i say 'next time :' all the time and it might not happen its still going to be a challenge, so i just wish i had had the tea. i know this is odd and no one understands probably, thinking about it makes it sound even worse. it was this horrible debate in side my head and i just wanted to scream in the place, it was so hard and this stupid indecisive thing, but worse than normal :/

i love herbal tea :( even though they didn't have peppermint, chamomile
(and organic yum) sounded splendid..my mom tried some and said it was nice

how about something more positive? well...i have been branching out in terms of dinner. at my place (and at home) i've started making quinoa again, its the love of my life (aka Bob's Red Mill) organic whole wheat, i just love his products. i have many. sort of a collection and i have a creamy rice hot cereal yet to be opened...has anyone had this? what's it like, how do you make it, etc? let me knowww. anywho the quinoa is a change from the brown rice or whole wheat couscous as a side grain, it took a few tries to get into it again, i kept messing up. i made it at home too. its lovely when paired with sweet potato (baked) as it just can be eaten together and adds sweetness, then preferably (though im terrified to cook this myself) with protein like some white chicken breast or something. or even tofu and veggies. i also purchased a newer type of cold meat, its a natural roasted turkey thing, maple leaf 'natural-selections' line? do you get maple leaf products? there's such a funny commercial, i saw it first a while ago so i was happy when i saw it in the store. its about the typical ham and how it contains a few preservatives :P but this brand makes the meat (they have ham and chicken, turkey as well) with just natural preservatives, so water, sea salt...something else? anyway i found the clip HEREEE but it's funny so watch it okay???

*never mind poop i couldn't find it
glad we settled that one.

i baked muffins a few days ago :) it was meant to be an oatmeal raisin type from Anne Lindsay, one of her cookbooks, lighthearted something or other, but i put molasses in a tweaked a few things, they were pretty light but also a bit sweet, i tried part of one before leaving. i was at home visiting. and my mom was getting major dental surgery, well not insane but she was on iv so she came home and was a bit...sleepy ;) and she couldn't eat chewy things until today and told me, while i was having "tea" with her, that she loved it and ate some for breakfast. ahh i love my mommyyy


i'd love to bake more, but here...i hate having to constantly do dishes and my hands are in such rough shape. it causes me like a lot of stress :/ gahh but this is something i made last...May??? wow i had just recently returned from uni away in another province. pumpkin spice cake i think, gosh i'd love to make something like that again, and eat some too.

well i must gooo, but i hope to update more often. i don't have a working camera though so i can't take many photos :( apart from using others, and my old ones, and my webcam. but hopefully that will change.

until next time you gorgeous beauties xox

trying to enjoy the small things

hey lovelies:):)

this morning for breakfast i had a little bowl of plain oats, with a few yummy additions. i like to call it my "oatie & cold cereal mix bowl of goodness". that might have been a little bit lame.

it resembled this, but the banana was eaten before coffeeee...and
i had some dry cereal (rice crispies, kashi honey sunshine and a
tiny bit of granola on top, with some skim)

i am posting again, but much later then i had planned...i want to make it more worthwhile, yet i don't have a ton to say! i hope you don't mind a collection of images, not always my own and not always about breakfast and food and what not. my camera still isn't functioning very well. i hope to be able to use it more often very very very soon. but there are such beautiful photos out there, and i wish i could capture things like that.

haven't had a coffee-to-go a la audrey for some time now, can't we all just be her?

food-wise...well i've been eating a bit i guess. i have been having stomach issues, just not nice at all, for a while now. its affecting what i eat too and im just so terrified of things most of the time. not much variety, but having breakfasts consisting of oatmeal, cold cereal mixes, and more oats...bananas :) i love bananas. i remember reading about the family who went 'local' for a year, and didn't get bananas as they came from Costa Rica or something. excuse my complete ignorance. i should look that up right now. i would not be able to do that i don't think. fail. but i need my nananaers. seriously.

i've been having lots of cold cereals, though i haven't yet opened my raisin bran cereal (which i used to eat all the time and only this) similar to the above yummy look

ive had bread and what not, various kinds of too-expensive artisan sort of spelt bread? one kind is a breakfast bread, but i don't have it for breakfast. its cinnamon raisin, smells so heavenly and looks like this

i was just thinking about things that make me happy, as i was just moping as usual and being a sad sob case :P i mean, i love family so much. but for material things, and food....

yummy muesli with combinations of various dried fruits...
bananas came to mind. i love them. the thing is when i learned about the glycemic index and discovered that they were high on the scale i fliiiipped and rarely ate them. now i have them all the time. i guess i figure its not like eating pure sugar even though they contain a lot of natural stuff. sometimes i have nearly two a day if i can.

yogurt, with honey (a darker type if possible)...
honey is one of my very favourites

i love clothing. fashion. and everything related.

this movie....you know what? i've had it on my computer tab for a few months. its always there. i always have to watch a bit of it, especially if im feeling sad in any form, or scared or anxious (sort of similar? aha).

***********************************************************************

i have a question, and it might be a bit too much. but for those of you on meds, more like ssri's...its something i've taken in the past, and i might be doing it again. i am not trying to seek help from here, i know it's not safe but i just thought i'd see what other people thought about it. i've been told im not trying to help myself or putting effort into certain recovery and what not. i feel like im always trying, but its like certain fears become very strong that its all you can do just to cope, let alone try more risky things...does that make any sense? ugh im just confused. and sort of discouraged. if someone told me this would be my life, me...everything, a little while back. i'd be pretty depressed. i just feel like a total failure. because i have NO excuse. nothing. i don't need to be like this. i keep thinking about my high school. it was so tiny and i didn't enjoy many aspects, yet the small size meant a really amazing teacher-student ratio, we were all super competitive and i was just insane about work. and my average upon graduation was just so much higher than now i feel, and i just need to do well. i feel like im telling too much. some time i'll need to go through my posts and edit things...it just makes me feel scared. plus most of you are doing so well. often eating issues come with this perfectionism that i once had, but don't. so now that i feel like im failing at things, its like im not like the others, and if i have issues i should be working harder. i don't think i'm making any sense. its hard to write down what's going on in my head.

anyway...what a way to leave you all eh? aha. but i do have to go. study. go get groceries if i stop feeling so ill. maybe have some lunch. etc. i will be back i promise. but i've also been going on tumblr more, its a way to express myself and, what i love, is that you can just put these photos up, and get them from other people, share...without having to write and explain why you like them. that's what i love about it. mine it linked above. but ew i don't want to be like promoting myself on here :P

i hope you're doing well, i will make sure to comment more on posts, i do read them but...sometimes slash nearly all the time...i don't comment, which is hypocritical because i love comments on mine. but i love you all a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot...xoxoxoxox

a very belated

hey lovelies :):)

i recently realised (when i began this post on Feb twelfth...yep)...that i was close to a year old (my bloggie that is..) and thought to post on my one year anniversary. but, um i missed it? the twelfth of the month would have been it. so sad, i guess that sort of hints at something, that i haven't been that far, that i haven't grown, neither has this :( it sort of went by without my realisation (knowledge?), i mean who forgets a birthday??? ma badd. but im wishing my bloggie a very happy belated birthday, one year old :)

well...breakfast today was multigrain oats with some yummy dried mango
and cinnamon and ginger before cooking.....and the add-ins consisted of 5 almonds,
skim, blueberry-date-almond muesli, LiFe cereal + wheat germ

it resembled this slightly from last year, sans banana though (mine are green...i usually have a collection of different variations of ripeness but i failed this time)

i do hope i have a few readers, even one or two. but i haven't been reliable as a blogger, and i've tried to comment on others as much as i can. lack of any of this can't be blamed entirely on time...often i just felt not right, and didn't know what to post or comment, and was too upset (lame) to post on others, you know when you just don't know what to say?

i've just had a difficult few weeks, or month, well let's just say 2011 in general :( i try to cope with things, and find certain happy moments and ways to release and what not...

i love to watch this, elle fanning has one, and a few other actors.
i adore the black and white, and the theme of films, childhood, etc.

reading helps me to escape, not because i'm ignoring things but just to try and cope: "inspiration"

i love looking at photos, posting on tumblr (reblog reblog reblog)...and dreaming...

you know what, i'm making a pact with myself. if thats even possible as it usually involves two people. whatever. it will be the good and strong me, and the 'bad' me worsened by my fears and phobias and disordered hell-eff-bitch self.

i'm not sure if i'll be posting here, i really want to. when i come back to it i realise how i love it, it just provides this sense of like...self, being, a point really? you reflect on things you've done and either feel shitty or sort of pleased. i can't explain it well but i just like to do it. i love pictures, and i want to work on my photography, my camera isn't working well at the moment, and i might look to invest in something really great. but i'll still use the one i have, i just need to get it working, get into practice, and just take photos.

not simply of food, i like photos of food but don't enjoy taking them sometimes as it ruins the experience of eating, and i don't take lovely ones like those i find on weheartit, other blogs, tumblr :P

so i hope to be back at some point, i also need to work on a few things, sounds like a broken record but im serious this time, no excuses no anythings because if not now then, when? honestly jen..it's bad :(

i do hope you're doing well, i don't know if anyone will read this but, if so then i appreciate it more than i can describe