away we go

hey lovelies :):)

i’m going to post twice in a week!!! successss ;P this was unexpected, and i just felt like i wanted to say hello. i also have a lot on my mind (what a surprise…) and im going away for a short bit. its with my family and its only like a day and a bit, but im a bit scared. it’s at a hotel, eating out, away from here…i used to be so excited for these trips but it’s been a while, and i’ve become more anxious and structured and, well sheltered a bit.

this morning i went for a run, and my breakfast was really yummy. i feel so sick though and in fed up with that. it’s as though i can never feel okay, always with some type of stomach thing, or many at once. i had banana raw-almond gingery oats, topped with shredded wheat & crystallized ginger. very lovely indeed!

i hate how i can’t enjoy going away, i am filled with so much anxiety that it’s just unpleasant. i don’;t know if there will be thins that i can eat & im bringing lots of bars, nuts, bananas ;P i looked at reviews online, and people say how amazing the food is, they gained weight (implying that i was so good aha) there, blahhh, but also that it doesn’t cater to any dietary restrictions. and i feel like a total nuisance complaining to my parents or stating my fears because i know they don’t understand, so it seems just so frustrating to them, like im just purposely being a pain. when really im just so terrified. i also can’t find a frigging menu online for breakfast! they have he dinner one but i want to see what’s for breakie ;P i hope they can make plain oats, with water…then maybe they add fruit (bananananasss) or something. idk. i really don;t want it to be a buffet, as they terrify me, not for ed reasons at all. my parents assured me that we could do the a-la-carte breakfast + order from a menu. i know i sound like an ungrateful bitch at the moment. im also worried that i’ll be sick, get sick, either from the food or people or just because my life is going downhill at the moment. or my family will, whatever i know its weird but this is what i think about on an hourly basis. anddd honestly despite the fact that i feel so sick i had breakfast, snack, etc. and i don’t know if my  brother has even eaten yet and he’s been out driving to his girlfriends, drove back here with here and they’ve been doing laundry. he might have but i find it so triggering and feel like the biggest nastiest like lazy thing when i get something to eat and others have not. its stupid because he’s one person and i’m another. but often he’s like, you need to eat more jen, and comments on things and its like…whaaaaat? but im going to shut up now because i have no idea what he’s had and it doesn’t matter. right? right.

you know, its odd…i wanted to post, now i don’t. i thought i had more to say, or that i would post something sort of interesting, but it’s just me complaining. i hope that’s okay…i just wanted to vent i guess, and just share my feelings. and say hello. but now i’ve got to go…

so, ta ta for now! i hope you all have enjoyable weekends & i’ll talk to you later.

lots and lots and lots of love,

jennifer

“what’s beyond there?”

hey lovelies :):)

~happy wednesday loves!~

this morning i woke up and went for a little run, it was mild but really windy. it was balmy though,  but the wind was strong i was not expecting that. but, oh on one street the sun was shining right down and it felt so nice :) but then i started to get really hot which is not cool ;P anyway, i had a lovely breakfast composed of oats & little additions, followed by some coffee.

irish quick oats + jordan’s muesli microwaved with 1/2 or so of a ripe banananana, raw almonds, cinnamon, ginger, topped with a few shredded wheat bites, crystallized ginger + silk almond milk mmm ;)

i have no idea where my camera charger is, so i can’t upload anything else at the moment. i guess it’s at home, but i already searched through the box that it came in, as i like to keep things together. and i haven’t had it for long, so i have no idea what’s going on :/ and i was just getting into taking more photos too ;(

“the flying troutmans” by miriam toews

this is the book im currently reading, it was a christmas gift from my brother. it was a bit funny, i noticed a night or so ago he was reading the book i gave him, and then i jumped into bed in the evening to read his gift ;) it’s really good so far, funny, the topic…oh i love how my brother chose it, i guess he associates me with troubled families, people with emotional issues, etc. no, im joking. he actually spent a really long time choosing books for my parents and for me this christmas, i can just see him standing in the store while reading each cover very well to see if we could relate to it, he’s a pretty sweet boy. well, guy. i guess. as he’s four years older than i am.

i keep getting him books, i just want him to read more. i guess i need to understand that, just because i might need books in order to survive (im quite serious) he could be the opposite. i just cannot understand how he doesn’t enjoy reading? ahhh it’s just unfathomable to me. i love to read for a while before i go to sleep try to sleep. i always hope that it can provide some sort of escapism but, even if it did, i can’t just escape from my life. and it doesn’t eliminate the panic stress, which i still feel anyway. but i guess that’s life.

anyway…i always think of the ellen show when i say that ;P

this was a bowl of oats from last week: pear cherry ginger i guess? it consisted of a mixture of old fashion oats and bobs red mill organic oat bran, cinnamon, ginger, dried cherries and natural raw almonds cooked in, 1/2 bosc pear and topped with crystallized ginger and a bit of skim i think!

i know i don’t post much on here regarding personal things or specifics, numbers. but i got my blood work done a little while ago as my therapist wanted to make sure things were okay, partly because of the low bp thing but also because it’s been a while. i thought my iron would be wayyy low but somehow it was okay. the only thing she was a bit concerned with was that my liver enzymes (ast i think) were a bit elevated. i had no idea what that meant but of course i google it and, well i know im hardly drinking now so it’s not that. i’m good to my liver!!! even in uni. i thought so, anyway.  but has anyone else had an issue like this? don’t worry, im just curious. i’m not seeking advice from here, i know i have to listen to my doctors ;)

i hope that you’re having a good week so far. we had a holiday monday, “family day” but i think its just for our province…i know that when i was in uni in nova scotia there was no such thing and they introduced it that same year at home, so last year was my first family day i guess. funny holiday…americans get presidents’ day though, right? i still had a therapy appointment though ;P she was the only one there and i had to buzz downstairs outside to get it, i guess the building itself was closed. and it didnt actually let me in i was just trying to open the door like a weakling until someone came out and opened up from the inside. sort of awkward…

that’s all really ;) have a lovely day. oh, did you have pancakes yesterday? i didn’t, i have no ingredients here for them here, and i never like to make something like that just for myself, it feels like a weekend family affair, i’d feel so lonely making pancakes just fir myself alone in my apartment. i haven;t had them in so long though! sometime soon, though :)

lots of love

♥ jennifer xox

careless choices & close calls

hey lovelies :):)

shredded wheat, special k crisp rice, banana, golden raisins, tbsp raw almonds, peanuts & pumpkin seeds, with cinnamon, ginger and skim milk ;)

happy st valentine's day!

i forgot it was today, probably because i don’t have a valentine. phffft, that’s fine though, i’ve actually never been in a relationship on valentine’s day. through christmas, once…but yea most of my flings were just, well, flings, not too long-lasting. that’s a bit sad i think ;(

oh gosh, well sunday evening was eventful and unpleasant. i can’t stop thinking about it, reliving the moment (sounds and visuals) in my head…i can’t stop it, it comes so suddenly and i try to shut it out. my grandmother was over for a family dinner at our house with my mom, dad, brother and me. nothing special, it happens every little while, we had a nice dinner and i was clearing up dishes while the other ate ice cream and watched the grammies. my dad was insistent that he’d see the dedications to whitney (rip) so he went down and left my grandmother (granny, we call her..) on the second level to finish her dessert. i don’t know why im going into this much detail, but it’s as though i have to write it down, and as i’m doing this i can picture the whole thing in my mind, it’s a bit scary. but she got up and went to the washroom, and headed down on her own. she was using a cane, and she’s normally okay but just a bit unsteady. i wanted to let her do it on her own because she likes to feel independent (don’t we all?) but this particular incident…well, she should have had someone, and my dad had even told her firmly that he’d come and get her so they could go down together. well, i head something light fall on the ground which caught my attention so i looked up, just as my granny had sort of spun around facing me, holding onto the railing…and then she just went down. from my point of view i saw her begin to fall back, and i just froze, i was in the other room and could never have run to get her, i keep telling myself this. but she literally fell backward down a massive flight of wooden stairs. and i had no idea what the fuck had just happened but i’m telling you that was one of the scariest moments of my life: seeing the before, hearing the aftermath yet not knowing what she looked like.  i saw her face before she fell and i just thought, ohhh shit. i heard the banging for like five seconds, followed my my mother and brother’s terrifying yells and screams…so i had not idea what to expect. i assumed she had died, i just won’t go into detail to tell you what i envisioned had happened, its too gruesome. but i was terrified to go down so i just ran across the room essentially hyperventilating while my brother ran upstairs to call 911, and told me, jen it’s fine (although he looked sheet white and about to cry pretty much). so i knew i could go and see what had happened. anyway, she ended up going in the ambulance, and what not and as of now she’s actually okay. in the emerge still but somehow she has no broken anything, or internal bleeding, spine is okay. she’s bruised everywhere apparently but i have no idea how she managed to escape that. but, …it was just not nice, and i keep thinking, what if…i mean i can’t believe it. such a stupid stupid stupid thing. i mean anyone could fall down the stairs, and looking back now of course i never want her to go down stairs again. yet, it could really happen to anyone, and it was just a very unlucky incident. bi just keep reliving it, and i thought i was in a movie, it was so strange. that sort of thing has never happened before. i can’t stop having the images and sounds go through my mind, and i keep thinking, what if…she had died, or it was much worse. i mean how the hell did she not fall on her neck?

i need to change topics. i felt like i had to write that down, im not sure if it helps. it seems masochistic almost, you don’t want to think about it, yet you can’t stop thinking about it. and it seems so fresh it my mind.

…oh, happy belated second birthday to this blog :) it was on the twelfth i think. i haven’t come that far in two years. but yet it surprises me that so much time has gone by.

i finally got my probiotics again, though i had to trek (actually my dad drove me, which was kind!) to another health shoppe in a different part of the city. i hate it when your normal store stops getting something that you sort of rely on. it’s annoying, and i think this was slightly more expensive than the one there too :/ boo. it’s actually a huge pain, i was just there again today, i bought a few bar things for a treat, they’re a bit expensive so i can’t have them on a regular basis. and i got some light (colour) liquid honey, but i was looking for this product that my naturopath recommended, not a supplement. we figured out that something like that won’t be a good idea (except i take probiotics but that’s something i’ve done for over a year) because of my stomach and what not, and taking something less often might help with the anxiety-induced symptoms. bah idk its confusing but she also is in the same office as my therapist so they work together. but i couldn’t find it and had to order it in. i checked online and it doesn’t seem too expensive, plus it’s a power and you take it when you want to, so that means that i could make it last a while and i don’t have to be taking a certain amount each day, which would make it more pricey (like probiotics ugh). but, yea…it’s a bit annoying since i won’t be able to start it until they get it in. oh well, i hope that’s okay with her. i am just boring you with all these details about my life ;P

i hope you’re having a great love day, and that you get some sort of treat, chocolate, i want cinnamon hearts so badly right now…actually for like a week or so i’ve been wanting them. and i haven’t even seem them in stores, it’s odd. so if you have some, send them my way ;P no im just kidding. they’re a valentine’s day treat though right? i remember for most of elementary school i would get a bunch of those cards and give one to each person in my class. i have this memory of me sitting at the kitchen counter at my old, old, old place in huntsville, writing one to like thirty people and attaching a chocolate kiss to each one! i think i had to narrow it down to just friends later on, and then i probably stopped in grade five or so. i do remember getting my first ‘secret admirer’ card in grade two. his name was louis, and i liked him after that so we were attached i guess…but not really. i have him on facebook though, i think he’s been with the same girl for a while which is sweet :)

anyway, that’s all…i hope you’re doing well, and i’ll talk to you later

xoxox

a simple thursday

hey lovelies :):)

i’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting…ugh, to find some inspiration to create a post with some sort of “substance”…or just, like, a point to my post, really. i was looking through an older blog, someone i did not know of when she was writing “live” because i started this ‘journey’ much too late. but she had posted a survey, which seemed quite unique because the answers were simply composed of one word. i won’t link back because, i don’t know her personally & i’m not sure if she’s okay with it…and i think this has probably  been around for a while ;) i also changed a few things (can i do that..?) probably not. i might be sued for this so, yea… i also changed the spelling to canadian/uk because the other way bothers me. and i deleted a few…bahh whatever, please do the survey if you’d like and post it or something. or just do it for yourself, i found it pretty entertaining, but i’m easily amused at things like this, im simple-minded i guess:

1. What is your name? jennifer
2. Your hair? brown
3. Your mother? everything
4. Your father? brave
5. Your favourite food? difficult
6. Your dream last night? repetitive
7. Your favourite drink? soothing

8. Your dream/goal? pretending
9. What room are you in? bedroom
10. Your hobby? dreaming
11. Your fear? sick
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? admired
13. Where were you last night? typical
14. Something that you aren’t? right
15. Muffins? sweetness
16. Wish list item? beauty
17. Where did you grow up? muskoka
18. Last thing you did? applications
19. What are you wearing? blue
20. Your TV? escapism
21. Your pets? babyyy
22. Friends? gone
23. Your life? shocking
24. Your mood? weak
25. Missing someone? always
26. Picture? perfect
27. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
28. Your favourite store? jcrew
29. When was the last time you laughed? today
30. Last time you cried? friday
31. Your favourite novel? harry
32. One place that I go to over and over? cottage
33. Favourite place to eat? home

ohh, and on that endnote, onto some eats ;)

breakfast from last week: “banana-cherry-almond” oats ;)

mixture of old fashion oats and organic oatbran cooked with 1/2 banana, dried cherries, cinnamon, ginger and natural raw almonds, topped with crystallized ginger, shredded wheat & almond milk

…or just one.

i hope this update wasn’t too lame, i want to post more, but i often don’t have time at the right moment, or don’t have something nice to share, or any other silly reason. but this was fun! for me, at least…but i just needed some time to find a bit of inspiration. even if it was just a simple survey. it’s odd how something like that can make me think about so many things, memories, feelings…just from one word. ahhh, well that’s me in a nutshell.

not taken today obviously, as there’s no blue.

that’s all i have to say really…i hope you’re doing well. and i’ll talk to you soon. xox

jennifer

no, i won’t grow up

hey lovelies :):)

is anybody there? i miss you all, but i am sure that you’re just busy and having fun, right?

happy february :) it still shocks me when i realise how much time is going by, i can’t believe i’ve been living in my apartment now for over a year. time seems to go by agonizingly slow during some moments…yet, i often find myself looking back, so confused and sad, wondering what the hell just happened. i know i will regret it when i get even older and find myself, yet again, not in the place that i want to be. but sometimes even that fear, isn’t enough to motivate me to change my ways and just move on.

i feel slightly strange posting, just because i don’t know where everyone has gone. i know that fewer updates can mean something positive (as in, you’re too busy having fun and living life) and not simply that something is wrong. but it makes me a bit sad, and i feel ashamed to admit this. that i have a tough time dealing with change, and moving on, forward. i long for things from the past, like memories and people that i used to talk to, and places that i used to go to. i find myself often looking through old blogs with authors that i never got to ‘meet’ because they left the [blog'] world before i even made an [i’ll admit, minor] appearance. and i just cannot move on. i can’t move forward or leave things in the past, whether the memories are good ones or bad ones…and i think that might be why im not doing that well, and why i have such a tough time letting go of habits, and ideas in my head.

but i am so terrified that i’ll look back on this time, i know i will, and be filled with more regrets. i hate it. i hate looking back on the past…oh, i don’t know, eight, nine years just hating what i’ve done. or what i haven’t done. before then, i would look back and remember happy times. and i want to do that, i want to look back and smile, not hate myself even more. and, as we get older, i know those mistakes get bigger and they’re so much harder to fix…and sometimes we can’t fix them. yet, why the hell can’t i just see that? i don’t understand it. i think it just feels to risky to change what im doing to please others, and to do what’s likely best for me…because it means that i have to do even more things that i don’t like, and i don’t want to endure that. i guess the future sort of seems so far ahead. i don’t know why i can’t learn from my mistakes. i can’t even explain myself properly now. but, its not like a story, or a book, that you can just re-read over and over and it never changes. you might get something new out of it each time, but it’s still going to be there and stay that way no matter what. i don’t even care how lame that analogy was, because it nearly explains what i’m feeling. and i do that…i re read books that i love, over and over, and i love films. and…honestly i think that’s one of the reasons i love to act. but i think it’s the wrong reason, wanting to be other people, to escape, being someone else is okay, but only if you’re also living your own life. you cannot just live through a book or a movie or a story. i don’t think that’s healthy yet i sort of do it all the time.

but i don’t want this to be another negative update, because i know how difficult those are to read. and often i just have to stop reading someone’s blog for a bit, and i feel so guilty, because it’s not fair to them…and it’s hypocritical because i do the same thing. so, i will move on to more happy subjects…like yummy eats & gingersnap larabars…that’s just what i’ve been thinking about this past week ;P i had one of two, only two (!!!) lovely gingersnap bars and made it last a little while. yet i was nonetheless sad to finish it off…i have one left though.

i’ve been taking photos a bit more often, which makes me happy i guess. i’m not that good though, i know that lighting is a huge contributor to successful photography, but mine are never that nice, even though i keep trying to practice and work on things like composition. though i don’t think have have grasped that concept yet :/

gingersnap oatmeal—> old fashion oats cooked in water, cinnamon & ginger with 1/2 ripe banana, 5 natural raw almonds chopped + topped with part of a gingersnap larabar, crystallized ginger and a few tbsp almond milk :)

that bar is amazing, flavour-wise it smells so heavenly. i only have one left from new york in october, i saved them for a long time. i hope they come here but i doubt it, as the cinnamon roll never did and it’s retired now. likewise with the pistachio, and the cocoa-mole i think. but ohhh my god okay i thought it was a spicy chocolate, like with peppers or something, but then i just learned that it’s cinnamon??? i don’t like spicy things but i love cinnamon and ginger. i love love love loveee ginger ;)

anyway, that’s about it ;P … so, please just let me know how you’re all doing, im dying here ;P and maybe you can give me a little (big) shove and shake me and scream “WAKE UP JEN”…

because i’m just dancing, dreaming here…not really thinking about reality or clearly realising what i’m doing to myself and to my future. i really don’t want to regret things anymore, and i don’t want to look back and wish that i’d changed when i had the chance.

so long lovies ;) and i will talk to you all later, much love xoxox