one cold saturday in december...

hey lovelies :)

happy saturday, happy december third :)

this morning's breakfast was "banana-almond-oats" :)

plain Quaker quickoats microwaved with most of a very ripe banana, cinnamon&ginger,
raw natural almonds, topped with a few tbsp organic multigrain squares + a touch of skim milk

this is not mine, however it resembles it slightly...

because i don't have a camera with me at the moment, i will resort to using my old photos or ones that i find, occasionally (though i might get some hate if the photographer sees them, i always credit though!) and when i go home i can use my dad's nice camera, or find some batteries for my own little thing :P i hope that's okay, and that it will suffice...for now anyway. photography is something that i love and i want to continue taking a variety of photos and improve my (lack of) skill..

anyway, i was able to watch a bit of something fun before my run. i was raised with the notion that daytime tv was bad. even on the weekend, we never really were allowed to watch "cartoons" and what not. if it was a rainy day even...well sometimes we could see a film, but were encouraged to at least go out to see one, otherwise do something else, like reading. that's okay because i love to read. my brother doesn't really though, and only likes non-fiction things that he's interested in. honestly, just a few weeks ago he said he finished a book, and it's been years since he's read through one :P i didn't understand, i just don't see how he can live like that. the first two harry potter books that i now own, well they were his. his name is written in the top of the opened cover, and my grandmother had given them to him (she alwyas gave us books, along with money and what not, for christmas and birthdays) but he never finished, he didn't like the series :O thankfully, i came upon them after they were popular for a while, and enjoyed them. i came back a few years later to start reading the rest and loved them. and a year or so ago i decided to re-read them...and now i can't live without them...but the point of this huge paragraph, was that arthur was on tvo kids (a kids branch of the canadian network TVO) and i love arthur :P its on at like 8am on weekdays and 8:30 on weekends, and then 4 or something in the afternoon. well i keep missing it, and today i was able to catch a bit of it before leaving. honestly, best cartoon ever. that and family guy. i know they're polar opposites. i like the style of animation, it's basic but colourful. and it reminds me of family guy a bit.

tvo kids was something that i used to watch, for a while when i was younger i only watched it on friday afternoon and evenings, again we weren't allowed much tv. and i'd watch a few shows in a row. and when i started swimming more competitively my brother would tape them for me :P i still have one vhs of a few ytv and tvokids shows like arthur, magic school bus + my little planet...did that ever air where you are? i remember the theme song...

"cou-cou, cou-cou, cou-cou here i am? but you cannot, cannot, see me...cou-cou, cou-cou, cou-cou, look my way, listen to what i have to say: all of the stars in the sky, our planet is flying by..."

...and so on. :P too bad you can't hear the tune though, i should have included it below in my video, since my voice is so incredible. not.

i can't seem to find a clip on youtube, i guess its canadian. explains why it's not known. people think we're some odd foreign planet, well many americans do anyway :P "oh, yes. i'd love to come to canadaahhh". i don't mean that in a rude way, don't worry. i am probably ignorant when it comes to american terms and other nations in the world. i try not to be though...but its funny how often i hear people say (like americans who live close ish to me) how they want to come to canada, and they don't say a city or province, referring to the entire country even though we're like...right there. i think it would be weird if i said, "oh i want to come to america to visit"...since im close, i try to say a city or a state. anyway, i think im getting into a hole here, i hope you don't think im a bitch. but, im just sad i can't find that clip :/ it's a cute song. maybe this will do:

well that's all i have to say...:P i hope you're all enjoying the start to your weekends, and enjoying breakfast :) and what not. i need new breakfast ideas i think. i feel like mine lack the inspiration like those i see on your lovely blogs. see you soon :)

xox

love jen <3

december and regrets

hey lovelies :):)

*odd opening statement, but i have said that 'greeting' since...i think the beginning? and i feel like i have to. i know its repetitive but now i can't stop :p and its so forced often and i feel like it sounds so dumb. so if you were wondering why i write it each time, well that's why :) i sort of wish i had stuck with something different, i didn't realise how silly it would sound after a while.

***********
this morning's breakfast was "raisin-almond-ginger" oats :)...

plain oats cooked with cinnamon&ginger + 1/2 banana, almonds, tbsp org large golden raisins, and topped w crystallized ginger, a few tbsp org multigrain wheat squares + skim milk.

i first went for a little run, after having lots of water + a banana. i eat too many bananas i think :/ it was cold though, and i feel like i look dumb, i was tired though, i feel like i cant run anymore. but i used to go later in the day after a bigger bfast, so now i like to do it earlier and before my bfast (and then i can enjoy it!), but i need something so i have a full banana, i know some people go on an empty stomach but yea i need something :P...and i don't go for long honestly its a bit pathetic, oh well. im okay with that i think. going later just makes me waste the day, so this way i feel more productive. don't worry though i have a proper breakfast + its usually my only exercise of that day.

i cannot believe it is december, it just seems like fall was rushed...and now i know all of a sudden it will be the new year, and then a few months of extreme coldness. and then summer :/ but im really going to try to be in the moment, and try to enjoy things so that when the time passes, im not regretting not doing/doing something. i have an issue with regret. its sort of sad, i mean i feel like i regret everything. from choosing one food over another, to spending too much time on something, not enough on another. sometimes its so pathetic though like regretting something that really shouldn't matter. and then i don't enjoy it, or i spend time beating myself up...its like that could-a, should-a...whats the saying? pretty much that you shouldn't keep saying, i could have, i should have...i need to take that advice anyway :P i don't think that last sentence made any sense but i understood myself, so that's good :P

does anyone else have that regret issue? its really annoying. and i doubt nearly every aspect of my life. and rely on either what i believe, or someone else...so when it's challenged i get so paranoid and anxious? i think it has to do with anxiety, and fears. and i get into a routine and control things, and then when they change, well i get a bit anxious. i think its all related, like the doubting and anxiety and control.



steel cut oats (bobs red mill organic) in water, cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 banana, tbsp each raw walnuts
+ natures path organic flax-raisin-pumpkin crunch

i made these again :) slightly less chewy but i wasn't happy...i even had them on much lower? im not sure what i'm doing wrong. photo was from a morning at my family home last week i believe.

i actually spent a few days there (sunday and monday i guess) even though my parents were away, just because i was doing this work/internship thing and wanted to leave from home, not have to be washing dishes in the morning and when i got back (my apartment doesn't have one, at home we do though)...that sounds trivial but honestly it takes me so long and it was nice to come back and put things in the dishwasher, and cook something that took a bit longer. one of the nights my brother came :) it was nice, i made him quinoa (bob's red millllll) along with sweet corn, and we had sliced turkey. it was in a package, that new (ish) natural selections from maple leaf. bahh wait i think that might be a canadian company, but its made with few preservatives, for a packaged meat anyway. it tastes nice :) he kept saying, 'ohhh we're having quinoaa' (emphasis on the last syllable...kenwaaaaa) and i was like wtf why are you saying that :P oh funny story, well i was visiting a friend like over a year ago (im social as you can tell...) at her apartment in uni, and she had a little note on the fridge explaining the benefits of quinoa. and it said, "say kee-nwa", and i had no idea that was how it was pronounced. at the time i had never tried it but wanted to, and thought you pronounced it "kwenoa" or something. so i was so excited and said, ohh is it good, i want to try it! and she hadn't even had it. baha. and a few weeks ago my mom mentioned that my friends mom (her parents are friends with my parents) was getting her a cookbook filled with recipes made with quinoa. so i hope she's tried it by now, otherwise she just has a huge book of recipes to make with it.

there was supposed to be a video here. even though i know i'd regret it i made one, and it was long, i kept talking. i guess i had a lot to say (about nothing :p) but seriously, and i've tried to upload it many times, tooo many actually. maybe another time :/ i just wanted you to have a bit of a break in between all of these words. gahhh

i rarely have meat now, and its not just because i don't want to (often i don't want a lot of meat or prefer chicken/turkey...though i do like to have pasta sometimes when im back home with a tomato and meat sauce, because my mom makes it with a lower meat ratio, more tomatoes :P she's always done that. i also love the meatloaf recipe we've used for years. again, its not so much a meat loaf as a ...loaf? aha it is made with other ingredients and breadcrumbs and it just tastes sweet and nice, very flavourful. often meatloaf is actually like...well meat. and its much too dense. anyway...im rambling :/ the thing is, i don't have meat often, but i also don't have enough protein from other sources. so i enjoyed having that turkey :) i know i'm not getting enough of certain nutrients, and my iron and protein is low i'm sure. i just also get a bit freaky with cooking meat on my own, like i might mess up and get sick/get other people sick. i like salmon though, fresh i mean. and canned tuna, i just like the plain ones in water, solid albacore i think it is :P i wish i could find some that have the built-in openers...so i don't have to use a can opener :P they usually come in large sizes too and sometimes i see little tiny tuna's, like personal cans. so i should pick some up if i ever see them :) ...things like nuts and nut butters, cottage cheese. i have those but its not enough, i'd have to have tons of it to get the same protein as other sources. so i guess i have to choose, either have massive amounts of those high-fiber sources (which would kill me, and my stomach/intestines/etc...tmi) or branch out more and start having more meat. i know there are other sources, but i'm not limiting my intake of meat because i want to be veg, or for animal-rights, etc. reasons. what do you like to eat as far as protein goes? i need more ideas!

see, i feel like i have to have a grain with dinner. well dinner is always the big thing, where i feel im lacking in protein, but its a difficult meal to put together, finding the right things. i just have memories of dinner being this important meal. and i feel like i have to have a grain, veggie, protein. and its usually a grain (brown rice or ww quinoa, honestly i have that nearly every night)...or sometimes ww couscous but i thought perhaps a gluten free grain might be easier, since i have a lot of ibs issues. buts its like this routine now, i feel like i have to hav a grain. when i eat somewhere else, usually just at home as i don't go out to eat much, its not always like that. we might have something like pasta (rarely) or a potato (sweet or white, etc) as the 'starch' or whatever. but its very often brown rice or quinoa (along with salmon or chicken) since my mom often asks me what i would like. and she wants to make sure i'm eating enough, and i feel so awful like its catered to me. and my family doesn't really want to eat what i eat. i don't blame them i guess. but idk i sort of like what i eat. i guess its boring for some people. but im in a rut i guess and am scared to branch out for dinner especially.

and its just...i feel like i have so much to think about. when honestly its...food. sorry if this is triggering, i mean i'd understand if it was (and im so sorry if this is, honestly), thats my problem i get so caught up with other people and their concerns, and then they become mine. like the sugar thing, so i thikn about fat, cals sugar. and fiber for some reason, im like worried i will get too much and i hardly have veggies. even though im liely getting a lot from grains. i just have stomach/bowel issues, really tmi but i just worry about that...and honestly when i first started having issues with food, a long long long time ago :P well i just thought about fat. i didn't know about anything else and it didn't matter so much what was in it, sugar, salt, etc. just the fat. and i ate non whole wheat things sometimes, like bagels. i hear thats a huge fear food for people but i ate white bagels but freaked out about fat. and i remember my mom bought one that was like 1.5 instead of the 1.2 g per bagel and i nearly had a heart attack. ugh. i feel awful now. but i knew i couldn't round it down to one. so it would have to be two grams in my head. now that wouldn't bother me at all. i mean the white part perhaps...but like half a gram of fat? i guess i started worrying about other things and not so much the bit of fat in a white bagel :P

its just so exhausting, these aspects of food that consume us. the thing is i can't say, oh i should just not worry. because i need to be looking into it to make sure i'm eating the right things. so i know that, even putting my controlling thoughts, restrictions, etc obsessiveness aside...it's actually a good thing to be aware of this. but i never know what's enough. its like everything in my life that i've become concerned with "beyond the norm"...so food, weight, and other fears (like anxiety, the germ thing, sickness, whatever)...it's become too much. just too much of an obsession. so now im scared that i can't look at anything in a 'normal' way, or a rational way. and that i'll never be normal in a sense.

im not sure if anything in that last paragraph made any sense...i have so much trouble putting it into words (either explaining in person or writing it down)...but im wondering if anyone can relate i guess.

i'm sorry this was just a huge post of me asking for ideas, rambling about meat, etc. i didn't realise i had so much to say (write) on the subject :P and the video is long, and the post is long...im really sorry! i hope you're all doing okay, the holidays are coming!

xoxox

lots of love

jen

remembering...

hey lovelies :):)

how are you beauties today :) its a bit chilly. actually, yesterday that was a bit of an understatement. i know its november, but its a bit shocking when it drops 15 degrees (celcius) day to day. however. much better than the heat, so i cannot complain, no i cannot :P

this morning's breakfast was pretty yum, a cold cereal mix. i used the last of my shredded wheat bites, along with plain cheerios, with 1/2 banana, tbsp almonds, dried cranberries, + skim milk. and sprinkled with cinnamon&ginger of course :)...with blackcoffee beforehand.

i was out for a short break/walk today (from work/intern stuff from my place, applications, nothing exciting really...i lead a boring life). i made it brisk as the wind was a bit harsh. i enjoyed some hot peppermint tea though, shortly after my return.

mine was actually a bigelow 'mint medley' (which is nice), but my heart still lies with this lovely company...i usually have the sleepytime, chamomile and peppermint in my cupboards. i have not found the holiday ones in canada...like the sugar cookie one or the gingerbread as shown here. hmm, does anyone wanna do a swap or something? that, or you could just send me some. :P teheee i kid.

i tried to calm down/de-stress (impossible) with breathing, stretching, yoga moves idk. im impatient. because i know the value of yoga but rarely take the time to do it properly. its a bad cycle, really :/

last evening, my brother put on this old dvd family video to show his girlfriend. she's nice though :P but anyway, i love watching those and i'm sure i've mentioned it a bit on here. but it was one largely composed of our music practicing, so just repeats of myself at the piano age 8 i think. or 9 but i feel like it was eight. i just feel sad looking at it, because i worked hard, i was determined, and carefree. i know i had a lot of worries, and ive always been an anxious child. but i just look at it and wonder 'what was she thinking at that moment'...and then i feel the need to apologize. to apologize to this girl, and warn her about the years ahead. "im so sorry, but you might have a bit of trouble coming your way in a few years"...i hate this, i feel like i've done something to her. even though she's me. i don't think she deserved to feel this way, and to experience pain, but i guess everyone does right? i mean childhood is often not nice. i was blessed with a family, comfort, a functioning mind and body. and my childhood, all-round (despite my own issues) was rather nice. i feel like i have trouble growing up, grasping that fact. dealing with my responsibilities in a positive, and not negative or destructive, manner. does this make sense? i hope im not just crazy. or worse...irresponsible, not prepared for life, unrealistic? that would be worse i think.

i was going to post a video. but then after recording...well, hm i'll leave it for another time. i've posted way too many, and i feel a bit odd about it. plus it was confusing, perhaps a bit too honest. i will leave you with a photo, just to say hello :P....

tada! first time trying this little thing :)

i thought it was like a luna...but then the vanilla flavour and texture was like a rice crispie...healthier maybe? idk it was with all organic and brown rice, gluten free, only a few ingredients. plus the inside of the box is filled with facts on wildlife and part of the sales go toward a related organization :) but it was a bit expensive.

im off to continue doing...things, ugh. i hope you are having a nice start to the week, and had lovely weekends.

xoxoxoxox

love you all like pb&nananananer

an update of the sort...

hey lovelies :):)

today will be quick...a little post. im feeling just, not so motivated. but i wanted to try something new. so i've explained thing in a little video, which makes little sense, and is boring, the usual :/

today is saturday :) tomorrow is sunday :) i ran today, did some work, organized and cleaned...my brother is away up north with my dad for the day. and i feel like i haven't done anything. i feel UN-accomplished (is that a word? probably not.) no matter what i do, i feel like im wasting time, wasting my day and my life. like im getting no where...

phewf. so that's that. i spend so so sooo much time today trying to fix the layout of this blog. and of like tumblr and everything, too long and i feel gross every time i realise how much time i wasted on things that do not really matter. in the grand scheme of things i mean. and it still looks awful. i want to center my header...and maybe change it since its not quite a header, more like an image. i don't know how to do that. and the colours and background and everything, i can't make it 'work' and its irritating me so much. but every time i try to fix it things get worse. so then i just get pissed off because i feel like im failing at everything. ugslkdfjsj. and honestly these things don't matter though do they? to me they do, the little things, it means a lot to me. and can sort of dictate the way my day goes, sometimes. but yes if anyone knows how to change those things please let me know

i hope you're all doing okay, and please let me know! i would love to hear from you all, you have no idea. its the simple things that please me, and make me happy :) i'm not sure where to go from here...

xoxoxox

love you like banana&oatmeal

wednesday, fall, november, baking, stuck...

hey lovelies :):)

breakfast was yummy, described below :) i promise i will get back into taking photos a bit more regularly



i made another video :) ahhhh. yes. i like doing this, even if you don't like watching them :P

when i was at home recently (as i normally just bake there, so i can use the dishwasher & not have to wash everything like in my apartment) i made a few things with wheat germ :) i don't typically have it on cereal like i used to, though i'd like to get back into that. but i looove wheat germ and its nice in cookies & muffins. anne lindsay has a few cookbooks and i grew up eating many healthy recipes that my mom made from the books that we own. there is one for "wheat germ raisin muffins"...and i think you should make it :P unless you don't like wheat germ:

1 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup wheat germ (i used bob's red mill...he's my lover)
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups milk
1 egg; beaten

In bowl, combine flour, wheat germ, sugar, baking powder
and salt; stir in raisins. Combine off, milk and egg;
pour into flour mixture and stir
just until combined. Spoon into nonstick or paper lined muffin
tins, filling each three-quarters full.
Bake in 375 F oven for 18 to 20 minutes or
until firm to the touch.

***************

this is a photo of the wheat-germ-ww-raisin-chocolate-walnut...cookies.
the recipe called for dried cranberries & semi-sweet chocolate chips, along with walnuts.
but i used large thompson raisins for the dried fruit, and i tried a bit! i think dark chocolate pairs nicely with wheat germ.

i've been re-reading, for the i have no idea number of times, the harry potter series when im home. sine i have to be reading something at all times...i need to read before bed & make sure i always have a book on hand. its sad how many times i've read these...

i just realised that, if i lived in the society in 'the giver', i would have been released. i'd be likely...labelled inadequate. if you haven't read it, well this will be very confusing, and maybe i just think too much. but by the way please read it as it's quite good :) its sort of sad, the rosemary character, who was given memories of loneliness...she was shocked, and didn't know that feelings like that existed. and asked for her own release...i think she was sad, depressed perhaps. and that type of society didn't understand any of that. it just shows that, what we might wish for, a perfect society, everything in place, 'safety' and feelings of 'safe' versus 'fear'...it's not always better. that type of society, although completely fictional i realise and not possible (though its supposed to be far in the future)...it would never work. or if it did, i couldn't even imagine living like that. either you are like the rest of society, and are born just the same, and don't have feelings or memories, you don't know how life would be any other way...or you're different, special and, like jonas, singled out to learn about feelings and have the memories of the past transferred into your mind. you learn how to love and to truly feel for another person. but, because the rest of the society does not have 'feelings', they can't share it with you. im not sure what would be worse, not having feelings, memories, not being able to love someone...or to have all of those but not be able to get it in return.

does that make any sense? sometimes i fear that i just over-analyse things, and that i'll say something to someone (or write something on here) and people will be like...whaaa? i get self-conscious & paranoid that i going crazy or something. because it makes sense in my mind but if it comes out as confusing or jumbled or just weird...then im losing it or something. :P

that's all really, i have had some changes, some new things going on which i guess is good but so far out of my comfort zone. a silly name since im never comfortable and always stressed. but somehow trying to control my environment and life and schedule seems safer...i might talk about it next time though i feel odd sharing too much, as this is public. it has to do with work i guess, life, careers. which is supposed to be exciting. so i just need to figure a few things out and mention it when i'm a bit more relaxed. ugh, idk when that will happen :/ until next time. xoxoxoxox

ohhhh ps ps ps i tried steel cut oats yesterday morning! i made them, i actually did :D and i cooked it for nearly an hour. but i think i had the heat a bit too high throughout, or near the beginning as they were a bit chewy and when i had them in new york they were fluffy. so perhaps i should have it on lower? or maybe not cover it (bob said to cover and simmer...for ten minutes. but he also said that it would be chewier that way...i read it but didn't listen i guess. duhhh jen..) so i will try again, when im at home. and have more time in the morning. but i took a chance, and i tried something new. which is big for me, although that sounds a tad pathetic :P that's all :)

a quick hello...going out on a limb :/

hey lovelies :):)

how is everyone? i am happy to be posting again, and much sooner than i expected. i heard that many of you had snow on the weekend...we didn't, odd since im a bit further north :P

today for breakfast i had microwaved (which i like) plain oats in water with cinnamon&ginger, almonds, tbsp sunflower/pumpkin seeds, and banana; topped with a bit of shredded wheat bites, ginger-slice and a touch of soymilk

i also went for an earlier run this morning :) it was a bit short though, and i dressed for a colder temperature...so i got a bit warm. but it was okay actually. since i don't have any photos, and i was inspired by the lovely emily, i thought i'd try a video thing...though its quite boring and the quality is...not quite there. im not even sure it will work, and the first time the audio and image were not 'together'...so i tried again today :P and linked the old one. its a private youtube video, i thought that would be the safest, and i think it means that you can only see it if i provide the link or something? i hope you don't hate it, and still want to read this afterward.


here is the messed up audio one

that's all for today...i think i can get my camera this weekend and i'd love to get back to posting eats and what not, especially of breakfast. they are not always photogenic though, and i'm not a pro-photographer or anything :P i hope to get better. and i also hope to get a better camera...but that's a whole other idea.

things are still the same i guess. good and bad. mostly bad...but i'm trying to be positive because that's the only way they will improve. i'll leave you with a question, because this just came to my mind: i am reading this book for the billionth time this past year...'the giver' by lois lowry, i received it from a (still!) very good friend when i turned ten. everyone seemed to be reading it then, it was "all the rage" in my public school. baha, though i think the kids were slightly older. but, in my opinion, i feel like i was way to young to read it. because i'm over ten years older now, and there are so many aspects of the novel that i just didn't 'get' back then, every time i read it i find something new. the whole concept of this 'perfect' and ideal, safe, world that the author comes up with is fascinating. and scary and sad at the same time. and i cannot imagine that it would have made sense back when i first read it. i'm glad i decided to read it again, and now i just read it every now and then when i feel like it. if you haven't read it, i recommend it. very much so.

what are some of your favourite novels?

until next time :) xoxox

falling...

hey lovelies :):)

how is everyone doing??? yet again i have taken a(n embarrassingly long) while to get things down and published...im not sure if i should apologize (or if i've been at all missed), if so then i really am truly sorry. but i think its better than simply writing down for example a sample week, if it was all negative things. it was just better for me to wait i think. so...because of that, this will be quite long i believe, and its a bit "all over the place" :/ something i must work on: clarity, i guess. i want these posts to look nice a to flow well. the following is simply a mixture of things that have been going on for the past several weeks i guess, and i started the post quite a while ago. (just in case a few things don't quite make sense).

first thing though...(and the best of course :P the most important part of your day)...breakfasttt!!!

"ginger-pear-oatmeal" of the sort...old fashion oats in water with cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 organic pear, topped with a few almonds, tsp pumpkin seeds, crystallized ginger-slice, touch of soymilk :)



i went to new york city a little over a week ago. it was just for a few days, and with my mom. i had never been to the city in the fall (only in winter), so i was looking forward to a new-york-autumn type of trip. it was actually really warm, and maybe a bit behind in terms of seasons, as the leaves were all pretty much green. i met up with the lovely emily (whom i love but more on that later :P).



we met up at MoMa and then we walked in central park for a long, long, loooong time (i was sort of looking for a cafe but i guess there aren't many, but we saw the fancy apartments on the upper west side, which i plan to live in one day :P). it was quite busy and warm and...green i guess. i've only walked through there in the winter, so i wasn't used to the extra traffic (the cyclists aha). i don't think they were either, as many of the tourists were not used to the bike roads, and we were trying to find strawberry fields one of the few (and sort of confusing) park maps and i heard this loud crackkkk...and one of them had fallen on the road just ahead, and they hadn't really moved 5 min later :/ scary. i hope they were okay.



i guess i realised that...you can change the situation, the place (as in, i thought the city would sort of 'change' me) however you really need to change the problem. as in, me. (like the girl interrupted quote). well idk maybe new york is just crazy. i feel so anxious there. the other times i've been, i always felt very sick for most of it. its so odd, i get excited, and then something happens and my anxiety was really high. not for all of it though. and the eating out was a huge deal, just in general not being at home or getting my own drinks, food, even water, and just having things prepared by others. but i don't want to get into that. because im not happy with how i did. or what i did. its sad and sort of repetitive too, and just not something i want to think about now.

before i left, i did some research and most of the places were not at all convenient to walk to. but there are many locations in the city of this wonderful place called le pain quotidien. and we found one on our hotel street (lexington ave..) but very west. oh wait, east? yes. my mom and i walked for a while and finally arrived in this cute area, it was like little paris or something. and normally a tiny place like this would sort of freak me out, like ohh its small, is it clean, blah blah blah. but i was hungry and we had a full day plus i was about to meet a wonderful girlie. so...we went in and it was sort of hot but this location was like a little bakery almost and we sat in the back area, like a closed patio. right near the kitchen. and i ordered the "organic oatmeal with sliced banana, pecans and maple syrup". they were on the side, so it was oats and i put in the banana slices and a tiny bit of the maple syrup (which tasted real! and im canadian so, chyea i know this :P). above there was a "steel cut oatmeal" option and it was just oats i guess, and since the calories are listed i figured the one below was more because of the bananas, nuts, maple. i think that was the case. but i thought mine were just oats. like maybe rolled? but myyy gosh they were chewy and i just could not figure out what type of oats they were, just made in water, but so good. and then i realised it was steel cut oats! first time ever, and i loved them so much. i guess they were listed as another option because you could either get them plain (or with berries) or along with a few additions, which was my choice. anyway my point is that i loved them and i thought i'd fine steel cut oats like too harsh or nutty or what not. and i tried them by accident, and i would love to have them again (i bought bobs red mill ones and im excited, i wasn't sure before as they take so long to cook but whatever).

later that day, after a loooong day my mom and i were sort of passed hunger. and found another location of the same lovely restaurant closer to our hotel, and just got something quick. i picked a "daily-special" which was a cherry-multigrain-ww (something like that, with ground flaxseed and it came with an organic pure cherry jam) scone! it was amazing. i didn't finish it all but it was lovely. i shared some with my mom, and she picked an apple-cheese thingie, but it seemed sort of tiny in comparison with my scone. along with a chamomile tea, which came in an interesting way. ohh i forgot to say that we had coffee with our breakfast, and it was listed as "pot of coffee" but all the mugs are like bowls, you know the ones with no handles, and this was a little porcelain-like pot, like a cute tea pot which had very good coffee in it. often i find that chains or restaurants (not coffee shops) don't serve good coffee and its weak but this was really good :)

ahhh so much to say/write but im boring everyone, i didn't think it would take this long. i also went to the MoMa and a few other places (and we saw 'mary poppins'..), but i don't want this post to be a "trip-recap" or anything. i just wanted to mention highlights. which would include the day i met emily :) i can't believe that i don't already know her. well i feel as though i do. and i wish we lived close, i find it extremely unfair that the people i tend to connect with so much are far away ;( after walking around central park and part of the city, i found whole foooods. well actually emily knew of one located near by and she was lovely and let me drag her around the store looking for mini lara/luna/clif bars...no such luck ;( but i got a few other things. and by the way, if you've read her blog:) she is such a wonderful and sweet and gorgeous (even more in person) girl, soo intelligent, and i wish i lived right near her so i could see her much more often. and make weekly manhattan excursions. it will happen though, sometime very soon :)


i was so scared to post this...because i look disgusting...but i had to for emily, since she's gorgeous and i like the colours :)
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i might be posting this much later than when i wrote this bit...but i had oat bran once again not too long ago at my cottage. so so so happy :) i made it for my family, and i missed it too much. my local stores carried quite a few bob's red mill products but not his oat bran, and i always preferred it over other ones, as the package was a bit smaller and easier to store/freeze/etc. and i found it at another store not too long ago and was so happy. but this one was just quaker oat bran. but it was so lovely and i am excited to have it more often, as i have the bob's one at my apartment. i love his products, i have quite a few :P

this photo was from over a year ago, when i was away at school but eating this type of oat cereal much more often. i hope i can keep doing that :)

i'm trying to sort out my stomach issues. i know partially its anxiety, like extreme. so there are possible options for that and i've suffered for a while. if its food, im trying to see that as well. i think having this along with eating issues...im not sure i mean it makes it harder i think. perhaps the stomach issues are partially caused by the eating messed up stuff? i know i likely screwed up my system through years of misuse...is that the word? probably not..but anywho, yes yes. yet i've been an anxious child too, and often had some issues when preparing for exams or piano tests or school things, but i used to swim competitively and i would get very nervous but i do not remember this happening. if its that my diet it wonky then im so scared to change things. plus there could be so many variables contributing to it...so when someone says like oh eliminate this or that or whatever, see its so easy! and im like, nooo. i'm hoping some of you get what i mean. but just adding this and subtracting that and wooppeee. it doesn't work like that. so i guess my controlling nature is maybe preventing some relief. but then again i honestly feel like its not that. it has to be extreme anxiety, or illness or food. idk but its helllllll.

do you ever feel that part of your health or mind concerns/issues, are sort of either caused or worsened by your habits, yet you're scared to change those, thus are sort of making things worse? thats a pretty loaded sentence but if that made any sense...i kind of feel like i might do that to myself.

wow, i need to post either more regularly, or just make smaller posts, or just stop. :P should i?? i would also appreciate any questions or examples of what others like to talk about, and write about. so that i can make this much more interesting, since i never know how my posts are going to be taken, you know? its a bit daunting, pressing the publish button. not as much now that i feel like i know a few of you, and i know that you're dealing with some similar issues, and are all very kind. hmm what is your favourite thing to do in autumn? and have you ever been to new york city (if so what is your favourite part/place/component). this was my third time, well in the city i've been in the state a few more times. but i did a lot of things that i didn't do the other times, and i went in another season, so everything looked different :P nooo, jen...really? finally...have you had steel cut oats? (how do you make then, what do you put them with, does it really take that long to make)...


awkward, in the hotel :P
i hope you're all doing well :) and hanging in, or enjoying life, if possible! (which is fully possible i just didn't know who was in a better place at the moment versus who was struggling). i really appreciate your support and love you all, okay? :P just keep moving a long and i promise everything will be okay xox

to be honest

hey lovelies :):)

*****

oh gosh, well autumn has arrived. it was something i was looking forward to, all summer, all year really. but now that it's here, i can't say that im in a better frame of mind.

i miss you :( i miss blogging, i miss wanting to write things down, i miss reading things from those who aren't around anymore. i miss looking forward to things, anticipation, excitement. i wish i could be inspiring, but the truth is i just haven't been able to even think about writing anything, doing anything really. i don't have any lovely photos, i wish i could show you beautiful breakfast images, and photos of my day, something fun, something which would provide some glimpse into my life or some sort of concrete evidence that i'm actually living...but these don't exist at the moment. i feel like i've really been slipping, on many levels. and i can't seem to go forward at the moment. i'm quite negative. actually it disgusts me...if i were someone else looking at me, well :/ anyway, i should be happy & excited & motivated, im embarking on another stage of my life. but i'm not.

i tend to censor things on here, or make it seem like my issues with eating are the only ones causing me distress, but its not true. yet my other problems, well they're not as common or more embarrassing. these past few weeks my stomach + anxiety (maybe its related...) have been causing me so much trouble both emotionally + physically. but i've kept trying to eat regularly, maybe thats the problem...im not sure. i know i've gone down, lower, lost, whatever. it hasnt come with that much happiness i guess since part of the reason has been my stomach. but i cant deny that i have liked certain aspects of losing. i just want to try to be in control of something. because i feel like im never in control of my life or my stomach and i constantly feel like death and get random severe systems which are unpleasant but make me more terrified. ughhh whatever i do apologize if this is triggering or just too awful to read.

i would love to write here more regularly but i don't think i should allow that if i can't provide images...or if i cannot be more pleasant & positive. those were my own goals or motivations to continue, but when they were not accomplished i realised that i was getting no where. but i miss all of you, and when i realised that no one was reading this, it made me feel like a piece of, nothing. and as self-absorbed & pathetic & attention-seeking that sounds...well yea its true basically. but i just miss connecting with others, and i always feel like i get so happy to meet others, and then realise its not reciprocated. does that make sense? then i get paranoid like maybe im awkward or ugly or no one wants to connect with someone they don't really "know"...like just through blogging and not in real life. but ohh well im excited as im going on a mini vacation, its been a long time aha, to a city where a few girls that i've 'met' and just felt so connected with and everything, live near by and i'd love to be able to meet these people in real life. but i feel like it won't work out or i'll be awkward or something will happen, like idk i will get sick or my mom will, okay i know this sounds so odd but i fear this all the time. and often i get excited for plans and then it just ends up being "too good to be true"...does anyone get this??? i mean its like whyyy can't something actually work out. for once. for fucks sake ugh, sorry :(

but i can't keep going on like this, i know i have some positives, and i actually really love writing. i began leaving out parts because i was paranoid, i've lost a lot of the anonymity on here, so if anyone i knew found it, or potential career/job conflicted...ugh that would be a nightmare. but its like an outlet almost, i mean its not like i feel better or the pain goes away, but it seems like a bit of the weight is lifted off my shoulders. but then blogging is merely a one-way street. im not 'giving' anything im just releasing perhaps, or just venting/complaining. i must reach out and help others more, but i feel like many of the people i used to follow are no longer writing.

well this turned out lovely...:P not a nice post, not a nice update. i just don't know what to do anymore and i don't know why i am anymore, and i feel like i've lost something. control, or security or ...im not sure. the thing is im so structured and a control-freak. that perhaps its good to just let go and be spontaneous. and just take more risks. but that scares me more than anything almost. i feel like what i wrote down is just a collection of random thoughts that makes no sense to anyone but myself :) honestly im so conflicted at the moment, and so many things are on my mind like allllll the time. can't you tell? this post is a confession of the sort, or a spilling of everything, and i know it is very self-absorbed and if it sounds rude, offensive, anything like that i really am sorry.

but i did run this morning :) it was about 5 degrees celcius. but smelt like autumn. the leaves were blowing, it was actually a bit frigid and my hands were about to fall off. and when i got back while washing my hands i was having a panic attack like i felt ill and thought i was going to have an ibs attack and like oh my god it was pathetic. well i sort of did have stomach issues, but anywho. while the run lasted i actually felt sort of good :) i want more moments like that, i wish my whole life could just be positive and happy and great. but i think we grow from these experiences and if your life was all positive, i don't think that would be much of a life, right?

okay, well enough of that. trying to be all philosophical :P ahaha...oh well. i must go and get a few things done, stay strong all of you xoxox