hey lovelies :):)

this morning i went for a run, and a bit later on had breakfast:

bite-size shredded wheat, small bit of kashi plain wheat puffs, banana, almonds, skim milk, cinnamon&ginger

...so, i think a lot of people are back at school. i don't know why im commenting on this but i guess its just a normal regular thing though im not going back anymore. for canadians we start much later though, well like september unless you're a frosh at uni moving in. i can't really believe its almost that month. i guess i've been waiting for autumn but its strange, summer is nearly over. i sort of feel as though mine was wasted. i wanted the heat to be gone, i wasn't doing that well in many aspects, working on school stuff, just not enjoying life essentially. and now its over. i don't want the rest of my life to be that way though.

a breakfast from last saturday

plain oats with banana, almonds, a bit of bite-size shredded wheat & almond-raisin granola in almond milk :)
and some coffee...enjoyed after a morning run

my parents have this book that they've read a few times, sort of an 'optimism' book from the library. and they actually bought me a copy. so we could have one at the family home to read a lot. and they've been pushing me to read it insisting it will help me. i will :) i just want to finish what i have started now so i can concentrate on it and complete it fully like reading any other novel. it's called "don't sweat the small stuff" and in brackets (and it's all small stuff). i've been quite negative/pessimistic...if that's not obvious :P and they keep saying that it will never get better for me if my attitude is like this, and i understand that. but i feel like the negative comes first, and then i react. its like i feel as though its not my fault. i try to be positive and its like im hit continuously with bad things. i realise im grateful and the things that bother me are not always severe to other people. but i always say, why can't the positive thing happen first, then i'll react with a better attitude and try to turn things around...but i don't think it works that way.

"She made herself stronger by fighting with the wind."
— Frances Hodgson Burnett (The Secret Garden)

i have to go. but i hope you're doing well. i don't want to post this but, my aunt (who's been ill) is likely going to pass away, well i hate saying this because i want her to be okay...but my mom and the rest of the family are at the hospital now to be with her. i really hope she'll pull through but, i don't know :( i just wish these things didn't happen. i love her and i feel so awful for my mom, her sisters, and of course my aunt's two sons. she means so much to them, and though they've 'prepared' themselves for this over the past year since the diagnosis, it's still so difficult. i want her to be okay, so i will just try to keep positive in that sense. xoxox

friday

hey lovelies :):)

hm i always seem to make the more spontaneous/unplanned posts when im upset. how attention-seeking of me, no? :P i had hoped my next post would include a lovely breakfast photo. but that will have to wait i guess. although i can tell you about this morning's breakfast if you'd like...

"cashew-banana-ginger"

old fashion oats cooked in water with 1/2 banana, cinnamon + ginger, with raw almonds and cashews, sliced-ginger & some skim milk...and coffee too.

i have a list of breakfast-inspirations and i didn't even realise i 'ticked' one off today, as i had saved this particular one...from the blog oats and tea. the photo can sort of depict mine, though my banana was cooked in, and i put a few bite-size shredded wheat on top

well i just am a bit mixed up at the moment, from things that are ongoing, things from this past week, and something which happened just today. i was meant to have an appointment, meeting, doctor/therapy and what not. i feel odd because i don't believe i've ever mentioned any details like that, but its not something i normally do, attending therapy i mean. at least not in my past. well, it was canceled and i don't know how to explain why it's affected me so much. i don't think i will as im sure it will make no sense. but a mixture of sadness and anger, but also, well idk really, she is sick and that scares me, i don't like sickness and what not. and i feel guilty for being scared to go because she's sick. and i feel like now i should get ill because im selfish. ugh i don't know how to explain it. anyway im a bit upset, its pathetic i sort of cried for a long time this morning just trying to figure out what to do. but it was over that. i mean...even i know that's a bit sad, jen :/ also, well ive been trying to make strides in a number of things and had some stuff to tell her, i was actually proud of some things that i did. and now i can't...i sort of feel like any improvement wasn't much of anything.

i visited my aunt, who's really ill, with my mom this week. and normally i'd be scared to do that, and she looked so different. but i went and im glad i did because i got to see her. but it makes me so upset, and i've just said so many times, or thought i mean, how i'd want to like give her my life. i've never said that obviously ahh that would be odd. and i don't exactly mean that. its just that i seem to be unhappy and other people would love to live, and are positive, strong, i just feel like im wasting some sort of give you know?

however i have been trying to do what i have to do, and continuing to search for work and am anxiously awaiting examination results for uni :( ahh its quite scary. im hoping for the best, there isn't much else to do. unless i just assume the worst, which i often do. thats not much fun though :P

that's all for now and i hope to return with a nice photo of my own :) love you and i hope you're all doing amazingly-well xox

"je veux devenir heureux, mais quelquefois, c'est plus facile de succombé à la tristesse"

sunday

hey lovelies :):)

today i made some oatmeal for breakfast, which was quite yummy. i haven't used this type in a full oatmeal serving, and it was almost savoury without the banana. different grains combined along with flax seed i believe.

5 grain rolled oats (bobs red mill) in water with nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, 1/2
banana added afterward as i cooked a serving for both my mom and for me :) i added wheat germ, almonds, and a tiny bit of almond milk...

so for that...well i bought the small 1L carton thing of almond breeze, unsweetened. and i so wanted to love it. idk i can't do it? i bought another 2L different brand of almond milk, maybe i cannot do unsweetened? its not that. but the brand might be the wrong one. i dont mind things not sweet but i eat natural raw almonds all the time and they are sweet to me. but this was not. i tried it though and now i must use the rest in baking :P but im not giving up on the almond milk i will find one i like :)



yesterday evening/late afternoon i treated my parents to 'the help' film, ever since they read my copy of the book (which i love so so so so so much, seriously i cannot explain it), they were extremely excited for the film. so we saw it and it was quite good. i knew that i liked the story and that the acting would be great, and i love emma stone :) i will always find aspects different from the book, because its a screenplay based fiml of course and thus not the book itself. so i like both versions and i highly recommend them.

pb larabar shared a little while back, i like this flavour :)

and speaking of laras, i re-tried one i thought i didn't like, the pb+chocolate one i think? cute polkadot package and ahhh i loved loved loved it. its not too sweet which i like, but the dates and pb make a nice cookie with a bit of semi sweet chocolate, i don't have any more since i didnt think i liked that one :/ bahh ill get some more soon :) last time i went they had the macadamia nut luna which i don't believe we've ever had in canada, along with the chocolate peppermint stick which i've only had once when a friend sent them from ny and i shared it with my parents since i wasn't sure i liked peppermint and chocolate, ever since a bad memory from when i was younger.

i'm off to do a few things, continue the job searching and preparation, and then i go home. i hope you're all enjoying your sundays. i will talk to you later xoxox

and it continues...

hey lovelies :):)

ahh i never post so close together. i used to, i remember doing it every day when i began, but just sort of random breakfast posts, very short and forced often.

this morning i wanted cold cereal (i had in my mind spoon sized shredded wheat, banana, almonds...maybe a bit of crisp rice cereal and/or muesli) but i tried to open my skim milk and you know the type where there's a plastic thing to pull out? i think its on juice cartons and other things. well it snapped in half and now i have to return it. well i better get a return/exchange/refund aha i couldn't open it :( and my morning was already awful...i had oats microwaved with banana but put way too much ginger on it. and some almonds, a few shredded wheat bites on top and muesli. but it was so hot and tasted so ginger-y in a bad sense and i felt sick and ugh not nice. so i had to go buy more today but its okay.

i just felt like saying hi, and i just feel like death really. as in just poorly. im so so so tired. but despite this i can't sleep a lot of the time. last night, and its been a week since it was that bad, but i had like 3 hours maybe? it took me till 4:30am or 5am to fall asleep, as in sooo tired and keeping my eyes closed, trying everything really and taking 5 or more hours to fall asleep. and i just feel awful now. partly im anxious because of how little sleep i got. maybe its not a big deal. (please tell me its not a big deal)...but every time i think about it i feel scared. and sick too. like just gross all over. and im scared it will happen again tonight. i honestly though id never fall asleep, it seemed that way, each hour passing and after 4:30 i was just crying ugh. i want to feel okay...;( this is such a downer post, so depressing and pathetic. i was just feeling like i wanted to talk to someone and i didn't know who, no one wants to hear me complain and i get that. so i thought i'd talk to you :P but of course there's no one there, but it made me feel a bit better to write down some thoughts, even if its just me whining.

oh one good thing happened, aha i have these sort of navy crewcuts (jcrew) pants, i guess 'trousers' idk like just slacks i guess and i was not wanting to wear a belt, but i noticed on the inside (i guess they do this with kids pants?) this elastic thing that you could pull and put a tighter button on, it makes no sense written down but its on the inside and ahhh i was so happy it was like higher waist-ed then. ah not ed that looks odd.

i just feel like everything is going wrong, and no matter what attitude i choose its like one thing after another and its ridiculous. i don't even feel happy to be completed uni (i hope gah) its like im anxious about the results, and then work obviously which i guess is fun but its stressful trying to find something and get contacts and what i want to do is not something you are 'qualified' for after uni, i just have to start from the very bottom no matter what. so that's great...and i never really got that sort of break after school, it was constant and now i am supposed to be constantly applying and contacting and writing and i realise that okay jen this is life deal with it you child...but its so much harder when im not that happy, and when honestly, this is sad, but most of the time im not even concentrating on those things and i don't even want to think about them sometimes. im not in the best place with other things like mentally/emotionally/physically so, idk am i making any sense? it just sucks the fun out of anything 'challenging' and just makes it challenging, which makes me feel like my life is one massive challenge after another. but in a really bad way.

im in my pajamas now :)

i just hope either things get better or i stop being so negative...but i think those things are up to me. lksjdlfkj ugh i just feel so awful now in many ways. i hate feeling like this. and i hate not liking parts of myself, because especially for careers i think i need to sort of like myself, or at least have confidence. i have never had much but lately its been quite low...and then like anxiety really high. and other things too low or too high. but i don't think i'd want to work with 'me' or be friends with 'me' or love 'me' so its so difficult to imaging going forward and preparing all of this stuff. do other people really have that much confidence or do they just sort of act positively and it all shows in a nice way?

*****

i don't want to write these types of posts, so i really hope i can tell you something positive again :) much love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

hoping for the best :)

hey lovelies :):)

ohhh my gosh i just completed my final...final? exam. honestly i have felt disconnected the past week. just completed immersed in random historical information that i'll likely never retain. but i think im done. gosh i hope im finished...and...its getting close to cooler weather :) it has rained quite a bit. crazy down pours at times and i have been caught in them more than once :/

this morning's breakfast was organic multigrain squares, a few tbsp almond-raisin granola, 1/2 banana, almonds, skim :) i went for a short run earlier, and had coffee afterward. im at my family's house today, though my parents have been on vacation at our cottage. the water is being tested/off in my apartment, so i stayed another day :P i was here a bit to complete some online exams as well, and for my on-campus one last weekend...

i have no photos, but i've tried a few to depict certain favourites of the last little while...



yea thats all...:P

so i made...i think yesterday, yes yesterday, well i wanted to bake something. and we left the ww flour at the cottage. so only white. aka nothing i wanted to use. but...well i had skim milk that expired tomorrow and just was like determined to do something...so i just made cookies, with white flour, margerine and white sugar included. tehe...and i had some too, i just am usually not one for making things with those ingredients. if its a cake or something for someone, well that's an excuse. and lately i've been eating things like graham crackers, sometimes store bought things that might have white flour. but using it in baked things was always something i thought was 'wrong'...especially if its a muffin. since i consider those like healthy things and i prefer the taste too, of whole wheat. anywho...i think i'll always be like that and to me its okay. but i also thought it could be beneficial to include white flour in like cookies, since normally (although i like oatmeal cookies with ww flour, and just ww flour taste in general) many types of cookies are made with white flour. so i used it, and, well i mean i didn't used to be like this. at the beginning of my ed i just was swearing off fat essentially. and i lost quite a bit of weight even though i still used white flour. so i tried to tell myself that i didn't blow up then. i focused on fat, then calories, etc. i wouldn't want to have it all the time though, and i like ww and whole grain breads, and i knwo they're more nutritious. but i just wanted to let myself know its okay to have something with white flour. i probably could have summed this up in a few sentences but i guess i ramble :P

by the way...these two sisters are incredible :)

and i purchased...or, like picked out for my birthday (back in june...) the cinnamon raisin pb from pb+co and tried it for the first time. i like it. there are actual little raisin bits in it :) its like the honey one i guess since i can feel the bits of sugar, i mean unlike the smooth one. and a bit different from natural pb which i usually have.

my brother is here now, and i think he's watching a movie. i know its day time (though its so dark out/stormy) but i just finished exams and you know what....? ahh i think im gong to go watch something with him. i was reading while drinking my coffee after breakfast...but after i do a bit of work, emails, etc on the computer i'll go see what he's up to :P i'll talk to you all laterrrr and i hope you're doing well :)

hey lovelies :):)

its august :):) the only thing that excites me is that autumn is soon :P i sort of missed the end of the month, i mean normally i remember that it's the thirtieth or thirty-first (or twenty eighth for february) but today i just realised the new month had already begun! i've been at my cottage for about five days which was nice, and im not sure when i'll be up. it was emotionally and physically lovelyyy to get away from the city, even though i was studying a great deal of the time, and it wasn't an extremely long trip.

today's breakfast...i went for a short run in the rain, it was humid (not so nice) and after getting ready i enjoyed this, i thought i'd just demonstrate the whole picture:


plain oats with banana, cinnamon & ginger, almonds added afterward, along with a few tbsp each almond-raisin-granola + organic wheat squares (soaked in non-fat soy-milk in the turquoise cup :P)...plus some coffee.

and im so full, like i don't understand what's wrong, i had this a few hours ago but sometimes i eat a little and my stomach kills, i feel like swollen or something, other times i eat and feel like i just didn't eat anything...:/

i'm feeling a bit more motivated, but at the same time even more stressed :/ gahhh does that usually happen? its sort of annoying. and sleep-wise, sometimes i do, often i hardly do and i'm having so much trouble falling asleep some nights/mornings and don't want to be resorting to meds or something each time. not that it even helps. but i just wish that i didn't stress about it quite as much, as i realise that makes it worse.

but...a new month, a new (ish) start and this upcoming fall is the beginning of something for me, and i must be happy and motivated and just not the way i am now...otherwise i'll end up being feeling disappointed.

*****

but this past weekend and more was fairly nice, there are always a lot of issues but anywho not the moment to dwell on that...

shredded wheat bites, almonds, banana, skim milk & coffee, after a morning run :)

old fashion/rolled oats in water with 1/2 cooked pear, strawberry + cinnamon, topped with non-fat soy milk and a melange of golden raisins and almonds

by the way golden raisins...ahhh my gosh they are lovelyyy. like green grapes, i realise thats the stupidest thing to say but i've traditionally eaten darker raisins, so i guess these ones were a nice change and less sweet.

enjoyed with a view :)

the last morning: old fashion oats in water & cinnamon with banana + apple (shared with my mom) along with almonds + a prune, non fat soy milk as well

...i think that's my brother (i didn't take this photo obviously...im pretty sure i was in the cottage at the time :P)

saw the last harry potter with one of my best friends, but i'm okay with it i decided. i still have the books. it wasn't as scary as i thought, maybe since i've been re-reading the series so much? i feel like they will always be there. when the last book came out, well that was when i felt a bit lost, like it was over. but i don't think it ever is. that's what i love about books. and films too.

i studied a lot, notes for one of my final exams and i felt so motivated, i honestly think i retained more information than i had this whole year. that sounds awful. but i just felt happy for a bit.

and now im back, and i just feel like i have no more excuses, for anything, i have my last three exams very shortly and my whole life which needs to be organized and i can't mess up anymore. i can't fail anything else and i just need to be a lot stronger. i hope you're all doing well though :) and thank you so much for being so sweet, and lovely, and amazing :P

xoxox