Sunday, October 30, 2011


hey lovelies :):)

how is everyone doing??? yet again i have taken a(n embarrassingly long) while to get things down and not sure if i should apologize (or if i've been at all missed), if so then i really am truly sorry. but i think its better than simply writing down for example a sample week, if it was all negative things. it was just better for me to wait i think. so...because of that, this will be quite long i believe, and its a bit "all over the place" :/ something i must work on: clarity, i guess. i want these posts to look nice a to flow well. the following is simply a mixture of things that have been going on for the past several weeks i guess, and i started the post quite a while ago. (just in case a few things don't quite make sense).

first thing though...(and the best of course :P the most important part of your day)...breakfasttt!!!

"ginger-pear-oatmeal" of the sort...old fashion oats in water with cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 organic pear, topped with a few almonds, tsp pumpkin seeds, crystallized ginger-slice, touch of soymilk :)

i went to new york city a little over a week ago. it was just for a few days, and with my mom. i had never been to the city in the fall (only in winter), so i was looking forward to a new-york-autumn type of trip. it was actually really warm, and maybe a bit behind in terms of seasons, as the leaves were all pretty much green. i met up with the lovely emily (whom i love but more on that later :P).

we met up at MoMa and then we walked in central park for a long, long, loooong time (i was sort of looking for a cafe but i guess there aren't many, but we saw the fancy apartments on the upper west side, which i plan to live in one day :P). it was quite busy and warm i guess. i've only walked through there in the winter, so i wasn't used to the extra traffic (the cyclists aha). i don't think they were either, as many of the tourists were not used to the bike roads, and we were trying to find strawberry fields one of the few (and sort of confusing) park maps and i heard this loud crackkkk...and one of them had fallen on the road just ahead, and they hadn't really moved 5 min later :/ scary. i hope they were okay.

i guess i realised can change the situation, the place (as in, i thought the city would sort of 'change' me) however you really need to change the problem. as in, me. (like the girl interrupted quote). well idk maybe new york is just crazy. i feel so anxious there. the other times i've been, i always felt very sick for most of it. its so odd, i get excited, and then something happens and my anxiety was really high. not for all of it though. and the eating out was a huge deal, just in general not being at home or getting my own drinks, food, even water, and just having things prepared by others. but i don't want to get into that. because im not happy with how i did. or what i did. its sad and sort of repetitive too, and just not something i want to think about now.

before i left, i did some research and most of the places were not at all convenient to walk to. but there are many locations in the city of this wonderful place called le pain quotidien. and we found one on our hotel street (lexington ave..) but very west. oh wait, east? yes. my mom and i walked for a while and finally arrived in this cute area, it was like little paris or something. and normally a tiny place like this would sort of freak me out, like ohh its small, is it clean, blah blah blah. but i was hungry and we had a full day plus i was about to meet a wonderful girlie. so...we went in and it was sort of hot but this location was like a little bakery almost and we sat in the back area, like a closed patio. right near the kitchen. and i ordered the "organic oatmeal with sliced banana, pecans and maple syrup". they were on the side, so it was oats and i put in the banana slices and a tiny bit of the maple syrup (which tasted real! and im canadian so, chyea i know this :P). above there was a "steel cut oatmeal" option and it was just oats i guess, and since the calories are listed i figured the one below was more because of the bananas, nuts, maple. i think that was the case. but i thought mine were just oats. like maybe rolled? but myyy gosh they were chewy and i just could not figure out what type of oats they were, just made in water, but so good. and then i realised it was steel cut oats! first time ever, and i loved them so much. i guess they were listed as another option because you could either get them plain (or with berries) or along with a few additions, which was my choice. anyway my point is that i loved them and i thought i'd fine steel cut oats like too harsh or nutty or what not. and i tried them by accident, and i would love to have them again (i bought bobs red mill ones and im excited, i wasn't sure before as they take so long to cook but whatever).

later that day, after a loooong day my mom and i were sort of passed hunger. and found another location of the same lovely restaurant closer to our hotel, and just got something quick. i picked a "daily-special" which was a cherry-multigrain-ww (something like that, with ground flaxseed and it came with an organic pure cherry jam) scone! it was amazing. i didn't finish it all but it was lovely. i shared some with my mom, and she picked an apple-cheese thingie, but it seemed sort of tiny in comparison with my scone. along with a chamomile tea, which came in an interesting way. ohh i forgot to say that we had coffee with our breakfast, and it was listed as "pot of coffee" but all the mugs are like bowls, you know the ones with no handles, and this was a little porcelain-like pot, like a cute tea pot which had very good coffee in it. often i find that chains or restaurants (not coffee shops) don't serve good coffee and its weak but this was really good :)

ahhh so much to say/write but im boring everyone, i didn't think it would take this long. i also went to the MoMa and a few other places (and we saw 'mary poppins'..), but i don't want this post to be a "trip-recap" or anything. i just wanted to mention highlights. which would include the day i met emily :) i can't believe that i don't already know her. well i feel as though i do. and i wish we lived close, i find it extremely unfair that the people i tend to connect with so much are far away ;( after walking around central park and part of the city, i found whole foooods. well actually emily knew of one located near by and she was lovely and let me drag her around the store looking for mini lara/luna/clif such luck ;( but i got a few other things. and by the way, if you've read her blog:) she is such a wonderful and sweet and gorgeous (even more in person) girl, soo intelligent, and i wish i lived right near her so i could see her much more often. and make weekly manhattan excursions. it will happen though, sometime very soon :)

i was so scared to post this...because i look disgusting...but i had to for emily, since she's gorgeous and i like the colours :)

i might be posting this much later than when i wrote this bit...but i had oat bran once again not too long ago at my cottage. so so so happy :) i made it for my family, and i missed it too much. my local stores carried quite a few bob's red mill products but not his oat bran, and i always preferred it over other ones, as the package was a bit smaller and easier to store/freeze/etc. and i found it at another store not too long ago and was so happy. but this one was just quaker oat bran. but it was so lovely and i am excited to have it more often, as i have the bob's one at my apartment. i love his products, i have quite a few :P

this photo was from over a year ago, when i was away at school but eating this type of oat cereal much more often. i hope i can keep doing that :)

i'm trying to sort out my stomach issues. i know partially its anxiety, like extreme. so there are possible options for that and i've suffered for a while. if its food, im trying to see that as well. i think having this along with eating not sure i mean it makes it harder i think. perhaps the stomach issues are partially caused by the eating messed up stuff? i know i likely screwed up my system through years of that the word? probably not..but anywho, yes yes. yet i've been an anxious child too, and often had some issues when preparing for exams or piano tests or school things, but i used to swim competitively and i would get very nervous but i do not remember this happening. if its that my diet it wonky then im so scared to change things. plus there could be so many variables contributing to when someone says like oh eliminate this or that or whatever, see its so easy! and im like, nooo. i'm hoping some of you get what i mean. but just adding this and subtracting that and wooppeee. it doesn't work like that. so i guess my controlling nature is maybe preventing some relief. but then again i honestly feel like its not that. it has to be extreme anxiety, or illness or food. idk but its helllllll.

do you ever feel that part of your health or mind concerns/issues, are sort of either caused or worsened by your habits, yet you're scared to change those, thus are sort of making things worse? thats a pretty loaded sentence but if that made any sense...i kind of feel like i might do that to myself.

wow, i need to post either more regularly, or just make smaller posts, or just stop. :P should i?? i would also appreciate any questions or examples of what others like to talk about, and write about. so that i can make this much more interesting, since i never know how my posts are going to be taken, you know? its a bit daunting, pressing the publish button. not as much now that i feel like i know a few of you, and i know that you're dealing with some similar issues, and are all very kind. hmm what is your favourite thing to do in autumn? and have you ever been to new york city (if so what is your favourite part/place/component). this was my third time, well in the city i've been in the state a few more times. but i did a lot of things that i didn't do the other times, and i went in another season, so everything looked different :P nooo, jen...really? finally...have you had steel cut oats? (how do you make then, what do you put them with, does it really take that long to make)...

awkward, in the hotel :P
i hope you're all doing well :) and hanging in, or enjoying life, if possible! (which is fully possible i just didn't know who was in a better place at the moment versus who was struggling). i really appreciate your support and love you all, okay? :P just keep moving a long and i promise everything will be okay xox

Saturday, October 1, 2011

to be honest

hey lovelies :):)


oh gosh, well autumn has arrived. it was something i was looking forward to, all summer, all year really. but now that it's here, i can't say that im in a better frame of mind.

i miss you :( i miss blogging, i miss wanting to write things down, i miss reading things from those who aren't around anymore. i miss looking forward to things, anticipation, excitement. i wish i could be inspiring, but the truth is i just haven't been able to even think about writing anything, doing anything really. i don't have any lovely photos, i wish i could show you beautiful breakfast images, and photos of my day, something fun, something which would provide some glimpse into my life or some sort of concrete evidence that i'm actually living...but these don't exist at the moment. i feel like i've really been slipping, on many levels. and i can't seem to go forward at the moment. i'm quite negative. actually it disgusts me...if i were someone else looking at me, well :/ anyway, i should be happy & excited & motivated, im embarking on another stage of my life. but i'm not.

i tend to censor things on here, or make it seem like my issues with eating are the only ones causing me distress, but its not true. yet my other problems, well they're not as common or more embarrassing. these past few weeks my stomach + anxiety (maybe its related...) have been causing me so much trouble both emotionally + physically. but i've kept trying to eat regularly, maybe thats the not sure. i know i've gone down, lower, lost, whatever. it hasnt come with that much happiness i guess since part of the reason has been my stomach. but i cant deny that i have liked certain aspects of losing. i just want to try to be in control of something. because i feel like im never in control of my life or my stomach and i constantly feel like death and get random severe systems which are unpleasant but make me more terrified. ughhh whatever i do apologize if this is triggering or just too awful to read.

i would love to write here more regularly but i don't think i should allow that if i can't provide images...or if i cannot be more pleasant & positive. those were my own goals or motivations to continue, but when they were not accomplished i realised that i was getting no where. but i miss all of you, and when i realised that no one was reading this, it made me feel like a piece of, nothing. and as self-absorbed & pathetic & attention-seeking that sounds...well yea its true basically. but i just miss connecting with others, and i always feel like i get so happy to meet others, and then realise its not reciprocated. does that make sense? then i get paranoid like maybe im awkward or ugly or no one wants to connect with someone they don't really "know" just through blogging and not in real life. but ohh well im excited as im going on a mini vacation, its been a long time aha, to a city where a few girls that i've 'met' and just felt so connected with and everything, live near by and i'd love to be able to meet these people in real life. but i feel like it won't work out or i'll be awkward or something will happen, like idk i will get sick or my mom will, okay i know this sounds so odd but i fear this all the time. and often i get excited for plans and then it just ends up being "too good to be true"...does anyone get this??? i mean its like whyyy can't something actually work out. for once. for fucks sake ugh, sorry :(

but i can't keep going on like this, i know i have some positives, and i actually really love writing. i began leaving out parts because i was paranoid, i've lost a lot of the anonymity on here, so if anyone i knew found it, or potential career/job conflicted...ugh that would be a nightmare. but its like an outlet almost, i mean its not like i feel better or the pain goes away, but it seems like a bit of the weight is lifted off my shoulders. but then blogging is merely a one-way street. im not 'giving' anything im just releasing perhaps, or just venting/complaining. i must reach out and help others more, but i feel like many of the people i used to follow are no longer writing.

well this turned out lovely...:P not a nice post, not a nice update. i just don't know what to do anymore and i don't know why i am anymore, and i feel like i've lost something. control, or security or not sure. the thing is im so structured and a control-freak. that perhaps its good to just let go and be spontaneous. and just take more risks. but that scares me more than anything almost. i feel like what i wrote down is just a collection of random thoughts that makes no sense to anyone but myself :) honestly im so conflicted at the moment, and so many things are on my mind like allllll the time. can't you tell? this post is a confession of the sort, or a spilling of everything, and i know it is very self-absorbed and if it sounds rude, offensive, anything like that i really am sorry.

but i did run this morning :) it was about 5 degrees celcius. but smelt like autumn. the leaves were blowing, it was actually a bit frigid and my hands were about to fall off. and when i got back while washing my hands i was having a panic attack like i felt ill and thought i was going to have an ibs attack and like oh my god it was pathetic. well i sort of did have stomach issues, but anywho. while the run lasted i actually felt sort of good :) i want more moments like that, i wish my whole life could just be positive and happy and great. but i think we grow from these experiences and if your life was all positive, i don't think that would be much of a life, right?

okay, well enough of that. trying to be all philosophical :P ahaha...oh well. i must go and get a few things done, stay strong all of you xoxox