Tuesday, August 12, 2014

hiiii there :)
my babyyy ;) on Christmas eve...
I realise that no one will see this as it's been over a year and, even if someone followed these posts they likely took me off their sidebar thing after such a long time. it's okay, I understand ;P although I have a couple of old blogs on there still, hoping they'll pop up randomly some day. I have no idea why i'm writing this actually...I just need a bit of an update on here and I don't want to delete this entirely. I need a "2014" on the page, so here it is. I've had a shitty past little while, stuff happened, didn't happen, etc. im working a little bit and some things are moving forward, but others are not and im genuinely a bit scared that I can't do it anymore. i'm not in denial, but it's just sort of frustrating/scary at the same time and everything is combining into one shit show and the physical and emotional symptoms and things that i'm experiencing could be caused by so many things yet the only aspect that anyone is focusing on is the weight. "if that increases, it will get better". I've had these symptoms (among others too) at my highest, so I know that this is not necessarily the case. regardless, the anxiety/ibs/other things (I know labels suck and I feel fake when I use them, so I apologise for that) must be addressed.

old photo from this past winter, that's all i'm showing as I look horrible now (I am not implying that I look great here though!) honestly, it's upsetting. and ugly. anyway! blahhh.
wlekjlksjfd ew fuck sorry I just wanted to pop by and say 'hi' (to no one, probably ahaha...) and im going on about my own boring life as usual. I just miss posting and recently looked back through my old ones, which was fun to see food and breakfast things, sad to see that I am struggling with the same things (and I thought I was going to be better at the time, and I can just read past the words and have distinct memories of each post sometimes, and of what I was feeling regardless of what I wrote down)...and I just to stop thinking of the past and move the fuck on. everyone else has, I realise. seriously though, in real life too (not that the people I connected were not 'real', they are still more important to me than other people I know in person)...but people keep getting married and I see these updates on facebook and I scares me. but I mean, I am not young anymore so i'm not sure why it shocks me so much.

this is old, but they came to Canada :) we also have the cocoa and cocoa-orange (which I don't really like as i'm not a bit orange-chocolate fan) but they don't have any others and I wish we had the ginger one or banana because there are no more ginger bars out there as the larabar one retired (it never made it to Canada-land anyway)...but they're so fucking cauuuute like little larabars when you open them and shaped in a little log. they have other things like the trek bars, maybe they're like clif bars? we don't have any of the other uk things here but they look cool and I see them when people from the uk post on tumblr or instagram (I don't even have a freaking phone and I go on there I so pathetic wtf jen)...
if anyone is reading this and wants to chat or anything, please let me know okay? do I sound desperate? I am :) anyway, lots and lots and lots of love, sorry for the random-ness of this and of myself in general. ugh i'm trying :/ xoxoxoxox
because I have to include a breakfast photo :)