hey lovelies :):)
this morning’s lovely breakfast was cold cereal, an old favourite.
i was actually planning to make creamy rice cereal (bob’s red mill) for both my brother and me, but i was in a bit of a rush as my appointment this afternoon was bumped up to an earlier time. ugh hate that, especially since i was planning on going to my house beforehand to do some stuff…so i had to sort of switch things around and do that afterward. that’s okay though, it means that i was able to have cereal! because i took a photo, i loaded it up on my computer and did a few things before eating it, so the milk really was absorbed. it was virtually gone and the shredded wheat at the bottom were so soggy aha…it wasn’t the best though, but i’ll try this again.
it’s pretty unpleasant out today, sort of rainy/snowy, same as yesterday i think. but so much colder than it looked! and very windy, i was almost falling over sideways, im not kidding. ah im talking about the weather…i just have nothing interesting to share. but i wanted to write and just say, “hello”. so…hey there, how are you doing? ;)
today i had an appointment, and it was okay i guess. i just hate how awful i feel when i’m there, i just get so miserable, and i’m always asked how i am doing, what i’ve been up to, updates on jobs and everything. and i feel so stupid and worthless time after time delivering nothing positive. i don’t know if you know that feeling, just like not wanting to be you, to be there, to feel anything…like i just hate myself in those situations and i feel really icky, i can’t describe it properly, it’s just a feeling but it’s quite strong and, well, i don’t like it.
“He wished he could be anywhere else and anyone else but Here and Him.”
(James R Silvestri, ‘Hawthorn Road’)
she actually brought up the weight thing again. this might sounds confusing but i don’t see her for eating/weight/etc reasons, though because my weight dropped a bit it’s something we’ve been talking about a tad, and also because of my stomach stuff. but she just wanted to be able to check it each time i saw her to make sure it didn’t drop. she didn’t say that i’d have to gain, though she’d be happy if i did. but i was just, idk not wanting to be weight (she brought it up as a question first, as if i had a choice but i guess that was not the case)…anyway. it was the same as last time. but i told her that i just became more anxious because either it would go up and i’d feel gross, or stay, or go down and it could be for so many reasons but i was afraid that she’d only think that i’d done it on purpose. because i know that it’s difficult for people (doctors, friends, parents) to trust us because we can manipulate others and ourselves, and what not. but when we are really telling the truth…does anyone really believe us?
she assured me that she just wanted to make sure it wasn’t dropping. i just sat there for a while, awkward silences and she said “it would be irresponsible for me, as a physician, to ignore the fact that you’re up and walking around at a bmi of xx”…and i was like, noo that’s not my bmi. she said it was, and i said, that’s not possible with this height and weight, etc. anyway, she said, “okay but even if it’s higher it’s below xx”…i sound like a bit of a bitch now. and im so scared she’ll come across this page here, so i just want to put it out there that she’s really sweet and i don’t not like her, but today, ugh i just felt odd and angry and i knew that the numbers were not correct. but, in the end, they seem to get the last word…if she was right, then okay she’s right. but if she was not right, well jen it’s below this number bmi anyway so…yea, still an issue. but of course i don’t mean that i want to prove the doctors wrong. that’s the opposite, i’m so afraid of many things and have ideas of how i can get something, etc so more often i want to be proven wrong though. so that my worst fears, nightmares, don’t really come true.
ahhhh anyway sorry for this, once again. i think im treating this as a journal, which isn’t good. i guess it’s a good idea to try to work out thoughts, but only if i come to conclusions, and only if it helps me right? and so far i think im just repeating things. i just hate that now i have one more thing that im anxious and stressing about when i see her. and one more thing to feel crap about, whether it goes up or down.
on another note though, i just finished a clif bar for my snack. well, i’ve eaten them before but i never have the entire thing, i might give a few bites to someone else. im not sure if this was a good idea or not. it tasted amazing (oatmeal raisin walnut) but certain things worry me, like if i’ll get sick or if its was too much fat, cals, fiber, etc…but i did it and i hope it’s okay. it has protein in it and my dinner tonight won’t have that much, so i was hoping it might make up for that :) it was also the last one in this box of five i got on sale…last fall i think, or like late summer aha. my brother finished two boxes in like a week or something. i have a few to try though, the choc-almond fudge one, a blueberry-crisp one which we don’t have here (from a lovely friend in the states) and a chocolate chip-peanut-crunch, so three new ones. although i think i tried the last one once in second year or first year uni, but i was eating it like a lunch replacement and decided i didn’t like them as they were too rich, like cookie dough and not bread-like or soft like other bars. so i would only have the oatmeal or carrot ones. but i thought i’d try it again. because i didn’t used to like the apple larabar and its one of my favourites now.
one of my collections starting :) actually i threw them out afterward, i only need one collection. so it’s at home. and it’s just larabars because, well they are just the simplest design. im probably going to forget this soon, and i know you’re likely laughing at me right now. but if it makes me happy, which is a rare thing…then i should just do it :P
“If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago...” (Cheri Huber)
i hope you’re enjoying your weekend, and are happy & healthy. take care of & be nice to yourselves, please…you deserve it.