Sunday, June 27, 2010

little sunday note

hey lovelies :) :) just a quick post today as i have no idea when i'll be able to make my next one. i start training this week and i'm away on the weekend so its busy in the day, and i usually like to post in the morning time, i guess centered around breakfast? hehee...

some large flake oats with banana, cinnamon, wheatgerm, yummm flax
granola, organic wheat squares...a few strawbs

okay wowww im so not loving things right now. but my parents stated that i'm very negative and despite the issues that i'm going through i just need to make the best of things. its just very hard. i've been ill or something for over a week making it sort of hard to be happy, and i'm just extremely anxious about everything. and last night, a bit tmi but i'm having pain, lots of pain, from that 'time' and i get very nauseous and its hard to eat anything but i can't take anything for the pain unless i eat. i'm just in a messy rut i guess. i feel like things are happening to me one after another like challenging me? or wanting me to fail?? that's what it feels like...i stupid test. and i hate it so so so much. i hate being angry and i hate being a bitch. but i just feel like crap all the time so im miserable and i make awful company too. i don't like this, i really don't. i hate to give up on stuff but honestly i'm just not strong, and i'm not positive enough to go on.

i saw a specialized doctor for stomach issues and eating, so i was overwhelmed with information but i'll share just one thing, regarding diet i guess. she wants me to eat a ton more protein, like something with every meal and 60 or so g a day...that's seems like so much :( some of the meal plans made me sad since its not like cereal or oatmeal and i love picking the things i enjoy instead of just like eating to live you know? if it's not something i love than i just don't enjoy eating it and all-round look at eating as a chore. but im wondering...i mean lots of hot cereals have tons of protein like 10+grams, and can you add the whey protein (never had it but i think i'm be getting some today as she wanted me to) to oats or would that be really gross aha...anywho i hope adjusting my diet will help me feel better. but i also have to do tests for allergies and possibly take supplements and everything like that. that's a bit expensive though.

anyway a good thing did happen yesterday...i have a family wedding at the end of july (my first wedding EVERR) and i went with my parents a little while ago to look for dresses and one was very expensive, but was marked down. and i guess she held it for us and my parents went yesterday while i was in the meeting and apparently bargained and negotiated so it was so much lower than before, so they got it! i was so happy and surprised, so we'll probably split the costs but still, wow i mean this dress i know i can use it a lot, not just like a one-event thing so i was so happy about that!!!

before i leave you i have a photo

yesterday's breaky, a new hot cereal (10 grain cereal) with org
multigrain squares on top, some banana mixed in, tons of cinnamon,
and some skim

i want to be happy and i'm making an effort (not enough though), but honestly if i feel sick or sad or just poorly in some way, just reading posts can inspire me to eat and make a good meal, smile, and just makes my mood increase. they provide that extra boost that we all--and especially me--need every once in a while.


i really appreciate all your support, and love reading your blogs, they're so inspiring

Friday, June 25, 2010

i've had better weeks......

hey lovelies :) :) this isn't too positive of a post but you don't deserve to read that :P so i'll start with some nicer things...

today for breakfast i had a bowl of oats, mixture of regular and large flake

with some organic wheat squares, banana in and on top,
a few almonds, ohhh and a little blob of soy ice cream
in the middle

no food photos from my cottage as i didn't eat much/was ill, etc. and it's been lasting for a while :( like starting when i made my last post, saddd ;( i have a fear of being sick so when i feel really ill i can't eat much (i guess no one can though right?) and i really hate that, like feeling so scared of eating, not even for weight-reasons but because i'm worried i'll be sick, and my relationship with food became this huge nightmare in a matter of hours pretty much. i want to love food again, but it represents a bad thing. again, this isn't really about calories and stuff, i mean i guess that will stick with me for a while, but mainly because i'm worried about what will happen if i eat. but i'm trying to get back on track slowly and i have a few photos of later in the week food. i feel like its worse not to be able to do something, i mean extremely dangerous to restrict but when it's not fully your choice that you're not eating, it seems so much worse because im just thinking what is wrong with me??? so it's not truly my choice, i'd rather have eaten with my family and just been more relaxed and happy. it's weird that it becomes such an issue but now food represented this negative scary thing to me, and if i ate it i though, "oh no i'll be sick" and whether i was or not, the anxiety was pretty high too causing a ton of symptoms. and
wow i love my family for putting up with me. anywhooo...i took some outdoor photos there nonetheless

sort of looks like i have flowered rain boots on :)

the camp that i'm at doesn't provide lunch which i like :) so i can pack one, but its nut free, as expected i guess but omggg what will i do, thats like all day without any, which is where i get protein aha. and im worried about the whole eating thing since from experience we just get to eat lunch and its sort of like you eat when the kids eat so im not even sure i'll get to eat my own snack. i also might die from lack of nuts :P so i can eat almonds in the morning and maybe nut butters, i've never been a fan of nut butters in cereal or anything mainly just on bread but i guess i could start putting them on my breakfast bowls :) i just don't want to get screwed over somehow. also they have that whole "make a good example policy" for the campers and i have certain habits that i don't want to be noticed for.

i've been really difficult to live with in the past bit i think, i feel like im so controlling and little things irritate me sooo much. so i come of as bitchy i'm sure, to my family...wait i totally am bitchy. i'm a kind person but i get like upset and stuff and lately its like i want to control everything and im so freaky about germs and cleaning and food in particular. and since i've been ill or whatever in the past week i get so scared when i eat, so maybe that's why i'm not a joy to be around? i have a dentist appointment this morning. gahhh. normally i wouldn't mind but lately when i go its so painful. i don't mean like uncomfortable but like my mouth throbs for a few days afterward. i think my gums are like sensitive but the hygienist has no fear like grinding (sorry really tmi) in there and like sticking things in and ahh its like she's trying to make me bleed for hours. but it has to be done. so i'll go :P. i chose friday since my dad says the woman is a bit more gentle than the one who cleans earlier in the week, so he always asks to be scheduled on a friday aha.

i realise i complain all the time on here and you probably think i'm just ungrateful, or annoying, or just selfish. and i realise this. but lately i've just been having a tough time in everything and i'm not happy. party its the control/plan/whatever thing i mean it's difficult to relax when everything seems planned out and i want to be prepared for as much as i can so i never really just enjoy the moment. and then im anxious and feel crappy most of the time, and being around myself makes me just think about my own issues and dwell on them. but i also think of others, more in an unhealthy way, i guess physically if someone's not okay i feel it too and get so worked up about it. but i guess that's also a good thing, to care about others but it becomes annoying, like with my family i'll ask them if they're okay and do things for them and just bother them (not intentionally though)...i can imagine that it's irritating when someone's like up in your grill all the time (aka hem me).
................................................................................................ about this weather? i'm not sure what it's like for you but wowww it's been hot. too hot really. like you walk outside and pass out kind of hot. in my province they had tornados and i was watching the news and, although no one was seriously injured, some buildings were literally destroyed, this one woman was showing her house. it was not a house, i mean there was no structure and she was telling the reporter, "and this was my living room, here's my bed, i cannot even find my kitchen". :( that's really awful. we had an earthquake, way down beneath the surface but things still shook. i think other parts of the country had some damage to buildings but it wasn't very catastrophic. and then the prairies have had huge downpours as well, i don't remember it being so awful, the weather i mean. it's sort of scary. and then with the g-20 and all the police are all over the place, sort of chaotic!

back to the blog though, and food :)...

slightly repetitive but this one was different...

close up with banana and natural crunchy pb on my
favourite bread, stonemill with flax,pumpkin seeds,

with this camp job i won't have much time in the mornings for food, so i need to speed up my breakfast-making...and maybe rely on cold cereal a lot of the time :)

and yesterday morning i heard this tiny bird chirp, sounding very close and i looked out the front door and he/she was just on top, hard to see but it's there i promise...

an inch above here, little dude/dudette sitting and chatting

i hope everyone's enjoying summer whether you're working, school-ing, playing, love you all

Friday, June 18, 2010

hey lovelies :) :)

breaky today was a bowl of cereal:

coffee before breakfast.

i've been enjoying some yummy cereal mixtures in the mornings...

oats with dry cereal, almonds, etc on top

multigrain oatsquares, 1/2 nanner, wheatgerm, tad flax granola, etc

oats with "just right cereal", almonds, banana, blubes, flax-granola

yogurt mixtures for my am snack

so...i have some sort of job lined up, camp-related, and it will be just for part of the summer i believe as i need to make much more than that to help with school and stuff, and i might have some leads that are more related to my field of interest. im finished my one course for the summer, and just have another half. i was trying to lighten my load next year because i have more credits than normal since i'm doing a minor on top of my other stuff.
but thats not interesting to talk about :) i went dress 'browsing' with my mom (and dad heh) earlier this week, my cousin is getting married to we're looking and ohh my god we went to a nice area of the bay with more expenssssse stuff and if the price comes down more i might be able to get this dress that i love, its by Joseph i think? never heard of that but i'll research. but i hope i can get that its also sort of versatile in that i could wear it more than just at the wedding, which is nice.

ignore the face because i used my bracelet from
mybreakfastshop as a hair thingie yeeeeee :D

i guess summer has officially started, the other highschools have gotten out at this point, maybe not public schools, the one i used to attend which is located near my house is out right now. it was weird because since i arrived home mid april, they were still in school and i live a few minutes away, so when i was walking nearby or running in the park or just going there, sometimes i'd see the gym class working out. most of those kids were young when i left so i don't think i know anyone but it's still a bit strange.

i can't do the tight/short thing well
but i love the idea, so i bought more
hue coloured tights on friday

oh i've been doing more yoga now, and breathing exercises which helps a bit. when i was away at uni i'd do the hatha yoga almost daily because i had to, and then i became more impatient as i came home and didn't do it much, but i really need to make a conscious effort to do these things as they will become beneficial soon. my mom loves doing the shorter yoga and she even said that she'd like a longer version (i have the 24 min ones from so i mentioned that you have to pay like a dollar or something for the 30 min, and so on so i might get her some for her birthday in july. i'm not sure if i could stand doing yoga for more than 30 minutes, i just can't be there for that long! but i could work up to that, its just that the 20 or so minute ones (like 20-25) aren't too long, and i'm patient enough for those, but even that seems long at times.

on a note related to the photo below, i just finished re reading the series last night and wow i'm in such a state of like...withdrawal? i wish the story never ended. i'm so awful with getting attached to things (like fictional tales) and then becoming depressed when it's all over.

(i bought more)
i'm having a lot of food issues, regarding like something that's going on with my stomach. i have a fear of being sick and i also have so many digestive issues and stuff that (dont worry) i won't go into detail but i just feel very nauseous a few times a day and have other issues down there and it makes it very difficult both to eat a variety of things, to actually eat anything sometimes, and also just not to be constantly anxious. i don't know if i have food intolerances of if a lot of it is anxiety or something else, i know that i do have pretty high anxiety and a strong like mind-body connection thus it directly affects me physically, like immediately, when i freak out. does anyone have similar issues, and how do you cope?

i've been baking a bit :) muffins and i tried doing those super-charge-me cooking (i think that's it aha) and also these bars to use up jam so we can buy some new stuff. its that low sugar one but its old and i hoped we could get a better kind, but my parents said we have to use this one up. which makes sense.

im going up north tomorrow night with my brother (my parents are leaving earlier) to my cottage for a few days so that's fun. i start work in a bit and i need to finish up some work i was doing up there as well. so i have a job for july and august but its camp-related, i'm older than before so pay-wise it will be more than normal which is good otherwise i'd have trouble with money for things like school. but i feel like this is huge, since i know we have to eat there, with our kids, the other day camp i worked at we were not allowed to eat anything of our own because the kids would be upset so im scared for this, like i'm pretty rigid with things but being staff i need to be flexible so, yea, i am getting worried because i have no idea what there is there, or what i can eat or when i can eat. plus i get sick from things a lot so i don't know what i'll do about that. it sounds stupid probably but something small like this really makes me anxious.

i hope everyone is doing well, and that you all have an amazing summer. i'm really trying to turn things around as all this shit affects me and people around me (like my family) and that's not cool. it's just difficult, like you can say you'll do something but a lot of distractions get in the way and its much easier said than done isn't it? or is it...? ahh anywho i will talk to you all later, i've been visiting blogs like usual and commenting more because you have such great posts! i usually feel better after reading even just one of them and they inspire me to do at least one thing that i'm fearing that day :)

lots and lots and lots of love

Friday, June 11, 2010

happy friday loves

hey lovelies :) :) how are you??? i had my birthdayyyy yeee...that was monday, but i haven't posted, and was away for a bit. i just came back from getting yet another license replacement, ive had to do that too many times. but i blame it on planes, see i use it if im flying within the country and they ask for it so many times and im flustered and nervous and everything when i fly, and its easy to lose a card like that. yes that's my excuse today.

breakfast was this...

regular oat package with those yummy multigrain organic oat-squares
with almonds, skim, cinnamon and wheatgerm and part of a banana...
went for a run beforehand, and mehh the bowl was okay, not amazing or anything but that's cool.

ahh im so agitated right now, i planned to have completed a lot of things by this time but stuff got in the way, ugh does anyone get like that? im just antsy and i was planning on getting part of an assignment done earlier and i don't work best later on in the day.

anywho, i was up north for a bit with my dad at the cottage, only like a day aha but i did some work for him.

so the Sunday extended family joint birthday was nice :) i loved seeing everyone. so it wasn't too awful :P

and on my actual birthday, some foodie pics...

morning cereal of multigrain organic squares, blubes, cinnamon,
wheat germskim, almonds, shreddies, bit of granola i think???

my yogurt, blubes, walnut morning snack

a birthday outfit

Align Left
but i had a class that night so the small family birthday was postponed until the next day:

making a wish...usually takes me a while :)

so, aha while im writing this im watching a lovely video by this girl, so so so sweet. i've been alright lately, up and down. i hope everyone is going well. i guess most people are done school now, even those in highschool. im not sure when american universities get out but i think it's a bit later than ours. ive been doing more city driving (practicing) as i need to take my final G which is just the last one...i got my first ones right away, we have a few steps in Canada but in August mine expires so it's been nearly 5 years since my very first G1 i guess so just the written test, and if i dont get my final one then i have to do everything over. so this one is the final test all throughout the city on on the freeway and everything. i hate driving in the city it kills me so im just a bit worried. but its not for a little over a month so i still have time :)

again, hope everyone is doing well, leave a message if you like :P and i'll talk to you all soon xox

Sunday, June 6, 2010


hey lovelies :) :) hope you're all waking up to a great sunday. it's raining here and the temp dropped like 10 degrees...but i am SO okay with this. the only problem is that we're having a joint family birthday celebration thing tonight and using the bbq, so hopefully it dries up a bit by then. my brother' birthday was a few weeks ago and mine is tomorrow so i guess we have our own family bdays and this year an additional joint one so that we can see some of the extended family. i'm a bit nervous, i usually don't do this and its either friends, and/or just close family. plus im freaking out a bit because i have like...hmm 35 hours left till i turn 21 gahhh. and i'm not just saying this to oh-so-subtly point out that it's my birthday tomorrow...:) i'm just really nervous aha..

no breaky pic today as i'd prepared it all, actually a large pot of red river for the famjam and my batteries were doooood. so i will just describe it, maybe find an old pic?

oh wow this is from uni :) with my old honey bear, rip. the contents are inedible now i think, and i can't seem to find a pure honey in a honeybear container

on it though was a bit of flax granola stuff, a few frozen rasps, cinnamon, wheat germ, skim and then a bit of banana mixed in.

so...i hope tonight goes well. we're having like steak and stuff and it's also for my brother and he would be unhappy with my choices in food i think :) i haven't had too much meat lately, esp red meat and its just much of a food issue to do with like fearing the cals/fat/whatnot but i don't want my stomach to get messed up. i think i'll just have a bit. and cake :) ooo and sweet potatoes a lot of things are going to go on the barbecue so that's cool!

i hope the family doesn't ask too much about things like work, since i'm desperately stillll looking for something this spring/summer/break from uni and that's really not good! but i love seeing my cousin she's just like 5 years older than i am and i don't see her too often, yet she's sort of moved back closer (used to live a lot further away out of the country) so that's neat that i can see her more often soon. this is random but yesterday i walked with my parents and they got this ice cream thing but i asked if i could get something of equal value...somewhere we went to the health shoppe and i got another larabar for later :) banana mmmm love that one. and for my birthday i asked if we could go over this upcoming week and pick a few things out, i think i'm going to try the lemon one. i'm normally not into like citrus things as a bar, but maybe this will be more like dessert? because it is just fruit and nuts plus i like lemon squares :P anyone tried it? does it taste like that??? in my lil stash i have a cherry pie one which i think i've tried before a year or so ago...and then that's all so i want to get a few more.

i tried this one, it was good but tasted like the banana one base...
just without bananas

this morning i went for a short walk, and as a warning this is going to be annoying here but, okay it was rainy out plus i was hungry so i didnt want to go for long before making the breakfast stuff, but (and my dad is really lovely and kind and supportive so i don't mean to make him out as anything but) he was like 'why don't you go for longer' and always seems to want me to walk more or run, and i've cut back and i told him that it's not the best to over do things as well, and i get sensitive about that stuff and it makes me want to just do more and more and more...and he said well under isn't good but overdoing it is fine, i mean with you...and i did not know what he said by that but ughh wanted to like go for an hour because of it. and i should just ignore this stuff but i don't understand since so much of the stuff he says goes against the other, like he'll mention that i need to eat more, and then say go for a longer walk, or run. and often it's me i mean he doesn't outright say it i just take things in a certain way, so in the morning i might be going out the door for a walk and he says 'have a nice run!!!!' and i wasn't planning on running, but he says it every morning almost and i hardly run that much. sorry if this is just ridiculous but i just had to say all that. like i don't think he understands that overexercising is pretty much a form of ridding cals in some way, yet he's fine if i do that as long as i eat...but it's almost the same thing if im burning stuff like crazy, i just hate how this all gets to me, because then i think maybe im not small and i'm just thinking about what i used to be a while ago, and really i've gained and perhaps i'm actually too heavy and i just see myself differently. plus im noticing that i am doing much less exercise so i feel like i'm doing way little, its like i can only do one extreme or another and that's dumb.

phefff okay totally another subject change is necessary, i want this post to be happyyyy :D

a few outfits...

awkkk pose there :) i actually had a towel on my head from getting out of the shower so i cut that part out :P

ohh hey dur

today's first outfit :) i will change later...

mmm i am craving a ginger chew but i'm finished my package so hopefully this week i can go get more :) i'm so bad, like when i get it i eat like a few a day and they don't last long. but i lovee them. anyone tried them? or i have i mentioned this before...

okay well we've been cleaning up the house a tad for company so i should get back to that...:) i hope everyone had a good week, weekend, and everything, and if you're out of school i hope your summer is going really well :D

lots of love