okay ;( ..so! have been going back and forth in my mind, trying to decide if i should write. initially, i didn't miss it or feel the need to do this, there was no 'absence'...but today it sort of came back. and i wanted to write. i haven't been doing that well, and i have not been very positive. i've actually been extremely pessimistic and negative toward a lot of things, and i hate sharing that sort of mood. i said that i would wait until something good happened, but---lets be real---that could take a while. i hope this update is good enough, even though i sort of broke my promise.
anyway, i sort of have nothing to say. i thought i did, but when i actually began to write...i have nothing :/ i'm not really sure how much i should be sharing, or how much i want to share...i just feel worried that someone might ask why i'm doing this, like what is my point. because writing down what im doing or how im doing, what im not doing...is sort of asking for some sort of attention, either advice or something else, and im not really doing that. so i guess i feel like i would just be asking for some sort of comment, and i always get really anxious, wondering what people will say or assume or think. does that make any sense at all?
... i just feel really ashamed, and lately i just feel embarrassed, at myself i guess. or with myself, sorry. when im out, i just feel like people are staring, pitying me. and i don't know why, sometimes i just see myself and other times i just think that i look ridiculous. partly because im not that young, i just feel so ashamed and ridiculous that i'm not doing well at all...i look like a kid sometimes and this is a time when i need to be strong and intelligent and successful, or at least moving in that direction. but it's the opposite. i know that i need to change, i know that i cannot continue this way, i am making changes actually! but the thing is, it's so hard. and i don't know how i let it get this way. i mean, literally, small things are challenging. i look back a few years and wonder how i did certain things then, things that i can't do now, or that cause me huge amounts of extreme anxiety and panic and sickness. that that thought, or that idea/notion (that what im supposed to be doing seems impossible and really scary) probably freaks me out the most. but i cannot let my family suffer more emotionally because of me. and they can't support me anymore, i need to be independent, but i don't think i can do it. there...i said it and yea i know that's pathetic but its the truth.
im not quite sure if i do actually look that awful...i know that often your family makes it seem like things are really bad, but its a bit of an extreme thing. i know that my view of myself is probably different, not because i see something different but i have my own, like 'ideal'...i can't even describe it. but we see ourselves as the same person that others see, but since we have our own idea of what we want to be, or how we would like to look, or...something like that. ugh this is pissing me off so much, i can't even write anymore :( i think i've become less intelligent (not that i was intelligent before). okay, i'll simplify it even more. if i want to look like this, or that, or weight this...and it's obviously not what my mom would like me to be (just an example)...then i won't have the same reaction as she would when i lose a bit. i guess i just don't quite know what i look like anymore, and i don't know if im ever going to be okay with that. and, as much as i know that it's not really important, is is though. i mean confidence is key, really, you can't walk around, trying to work and succeed while hating yourself. it shows on the outside. part of the reason why i ever developed this issue in the first place was because i literally hated parts of myself, physically self, body, legs, blah, whatever. there could have been other reasons, but i know that a huge part of it was because i wanted to change. and that has not changed. i always want to be feeling or looking or doing something that i'm not.
well, im sorry this this was a negative 'update'. i hate using that term, because it makes it seem as though i think people want to know what im doing. don't worry, i don't! when i started blogging i knew that i'd never become that known or that i wouldn't have many readers. that idea kind of scares me actually, though its nice to meet new people and receive (kind!) comments. so that's obviously not why i have continued, otherwise i would have just given up i think. but, at the same time, it's not really helping me that much right now. i guess i like to sort out my thoughts, and writing them down here (or anywhere really) to attempt to free up some space in my wild, and crazy/messed up mind, is often helpful. but, at the moment, i hate being so negative. and what i hate even more, i think...is sharing that negativity, spreading it, spreading the gloom. because it's not fair.
i guess that's all really ;P its almost may...spring. im not sure whether im happy or not, the weather is a bit bipolar, one day it's ten degrees then mid twenties the next? (celcius) i usually dread the summer, because its just so hot. but i hope that this time around it's not too bad. i hope that you're having a good day, take care & lots of love xoxox