Monday, May 30, 2011

here's to another (bad) year

hey lovelies :):)

today's breakfast was plain oats with a banana, almonds, balance granola and multigrain squares, with some milk. cinnamon&ginger added as well :) coffee. i did a short ish run today, and woke up a tad earlier as it was supposed to be quite warm. and i hate that. especially running in heat=death, sick, gross.

its getting sort of close to my birthday :/ gahh on the 7th :O but im going to be so old and im sad. since i turned like 18 i think my birthdays are sort of filled with a bit of dread. i have peter pan syndrome or something :P i mean that in a lighter way, i did not know the term has such a serious connotation :/

sunday i went shopping i guess, with my mom, we had a 'day' and i picked a few things for my birthday :) we went to indigo (bookstore) and i treated her to a coffee & treat (she had the lf chocolate chip nannner bread and i had a iced cinnamon raisine luna which i brought with me...first time ever + not sold in canada ;( it was so good god honestly i was lik exclaiming, and it smelled like a cinnamon bun)...and tall darks :P for the coffee. i rarely eat/drink out like that its been like a year :/ i went to wfooooods with her, the only one in our city and theres like 3 in canada aha...picked things myself + a little bit for my present i guess, its in yorkville this fancy exclusive time nook of the city, i like walking arund there, pretending i can buy everything :p tehe + got nice jeans at over the rainbow, the main gift i think. and we did a few other things and it was challenging, at the stores too, i didnt know which size and this very nice girl/woman (probably my age aha she likely though i was like 16-17) was like noooo you must be x size and i though, chyeaaa highly unlikely girl (too small for me..) + then i tried something and she said hmm maybe there next, it was still i guess not too big in my mind (the size..) but i think perhaps i looked smaller than i am to her. i just look into these things so much and i guess i havent bpught jeans for a while. but the size she assumed would have been smaller than normal. anyway stupid i won't talk about it anymore here, promise. for this post anyway i cant promise it wont cross my mind.

i would like to make this, we just need whole wheat flour again :)

last week i had to continue getting documents for something i'm doing for uni, and i had to go to my doctor. i do not like visiting the doctors, it really freaks me out. and it wasnt an actual 'physical' or what not just getting her signature and talking with her and just explaining things but just being there i don't want to touch things and just, yea...but she had been away (i had a visit planned for a week or so earlier) but had a medical emergency, i believe a family member died. and my mom was just making sure that i got everything i needed and earlier that week when i spoke with her she just stressed that, ad i was thinking my god my doctor probably won't want to hear any of this as she just lost someone and my issues are likely low down on the scale of importance relative to what happened to her. but anwho i went alone and it was quiet, yet istill waited a lot (not just because she was away but, this is just normal for canada, we might have health care but there are a few catches...but i won't get into that here)...anyway i mentioned that i was sorry she had to take time off, hinting but not mentioning a death or anything, just before i left and she thanked me, i feel like i broke a barrier and she was more natural. she's nice and kind and what not but very formal. but she looked a bit surprised and smiled when i left :)

i tried the gingersnap larabar not too long ago (we dont seem to get them in canada however my parents were in new orleans in early may and actually got a few for me)...i like them. i was really hyped up about it, like dreaming for ages as i could never find it anywhere ;( and although it was not as expected (i felt like it was going to have ginger pieces more like a candied type thing) was yummy and full of sweet spices like a gingersnap.

gingersnap oaties, oh yes i think i did :P...

plain quick oats in water, cinnamon, ginger + a tiny bit of 'grandma's fancy molasses' (not my granny :P) with balance granola, multigrain squares & 1/2 gingersnap larabar

i saw 'how to train you dragon' sat night which was so good :) and my mom and i (i had a night with her, went back home when my dad was away and made stir fry (lots of fresh ginger, onion, carrot + asparagas new loveee) and brown rice and tofu mmm. and we just spoke a bit about the moral, don't assume + judge and although its about dragons it can be applied to any war, really. it stetms from prejudice, mis-communication...people aren't born evil are they? perhaps sometomes, or someone gets put of hand, too much power, and then iy builds from there. it was a nice story and well done, amazing animation (the credits were insane, so many people involved) and lovely music/soundtrack by john powell :) i love film music (especially the scene and song linked on his name, its very beautiful) and i love film. so much. i love feeling inspired by something like a film, novel, song. i would love to act/be involved with films, its been my dream (+ goal....) for a while.

i didnt mean that in the title...i want this to be a good year, honestly. but i always say that and, lately, it hasn't happened. i need to make it better, and not simply assume things will fall into place.

love you like pb+nanananers

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

cottage time please

hey lovelies :):)

today's breakfast was pretty yummy :) i'm still at home, i went for a short run this morning and then had a mixture of oats and cold cereal...

plain oats with banana, cinnamon and ginger, a few almonds and topped with our compliments balance original granola, some multigrain squares, tiny bit of pb+co smooth operator and some non-fat soy milk

the soy milk was a store brand, and i've only ever had 'so-good' i believe, but it required a bit more shaking before drinking, the soy beans i guess sort of settled but it became frothy, sounds a bit gross and i don't normally like milk shake things but it wasn't creamy, just a bit thicker and foamy. i liked it!

i was just at my cottage up north for a few, it rained so much though. honestly, but i don't mind too much, or i didn't. it wasn't too hot which was nice :)

snack last week, afternoon, and possible favourite (or tied with the banana) larabar, the flavours just mmm they're all there, spices like cinnamon and nutmeg (i dont even think thats in it baha whatever) and apple with almonds and dates and raisins, walnuts...yum yum yum!

i was outside a liiiitle bit. but we weren't there too long, i had some organizing to do...actually part of it was simply going through clothing and just things and what not to give away, possibly sell and/or just keep for my future children :P i did some work (school and other) as well but that's expected.

stonemill artizan bread, yummy whole grain raisin cinnamon i think? it's called "fruit and fibre" and i had it sometimes at lunch

i've spent the day, apart from the nice-ish morning i had, completely swamped with planing things and organizing for my courses (i have to get a bunch of documents and set up appointments to get signatures and my parents are uber stressed about it so obviously its putting more pressure on me. ad it is my responsibility though so i must take that blame...but then i realised i started doing the wrong week of discussion/readings/writing work for a course so i did the other too, and when i get back to my place my computer takes million years to stop freezing (likely my fault though i have not been taking proper care of it)...but i took that time to catch the last bit of oprah's finale ;(

strawberries at the cottage mmm

back to this weekend...i had this random urge to make pancakes. and just bake things in general, i was looking through old cookbooks, one from 1930 and it was canadian i believe (not that it matters, i guess i just like adding that in whenever i can tehe) but stressed liver and what not in the diet, high iron, and a lot of the photos, though there weren't many, were in that odd technicolour, and another book had a lot of photos/paintings? of like jellymoulds aha and salads like that. i guess they were popular once upon a time. but we didn't have any ingredients. at all really. but i will do that when i can. for sure, and i'd like to make pancakes. i don't know why its such an issue. i could do them whole wheat and make it all by scratch and see what's in it, create my own thing, have however many i would like...but it makes me feel anxious and its not just the calories and fat. honestly i think it might end up being much less than what i had today for example. but i feel like i won't be full or i will be or it might not be 'right'. stupid stuff really. and when i started restricting/ed stuff a long time ago that part was not usually an issue. actually i lied. i remember on instance with french toast but that was when my parents usually cooked everything. then i started getting into preparing my own things, partially for that whole 'control' thing and also because i wanted to eat healthier things and i liked to cook! so...yes that is a goal for me, and i could do it with family so its more fun, because not too long ago i would make pancakes on weekends or special occasions or just randomly. so i will i promise :P

i did run once at my cottage, and after breakfast i had coffee while alternating between reads (fun & school)

cinnamon life :) when the box was finished i did spend a bit of time working on the back of it. proud to say i did find both the english and french words in the crossword. i was actually pretty happy :P

i always spend so long just organizing and going through old and current things in the house/cottage, sort of reminiscing i guess. but it was cleaned last weekend (the spring cleaning) and i had to put my things back in the shelves, partially books and also like old child things, not stuffed animals exactly but beanie babies. i was crazy about collecting those and they were not cheap or anything so i still have those :) but i think we have a mould issue, and it wasn't that much of a problem but a little while ago i started getting this allergic reaction when i went there and would like get all itchy and throat closing and eyes watering and what not, etc. the first time was like a few days before my hschool graduation aha i was a bit worried. so i would just take drugs when i went up there aha and yea that was all pretty much. but i think it was mould, just from moisture and books on the shelves, so it gets cleaned in the spring i think. but i could sense/feel it when i was putting the books back on the shelves. i sort of want to keep those, keep the younger books in the family and pass them on? that would be really cool. though the future kids/grandkids (mine i guess?) will probably be like wtf that stuff is so old. i bet there won't even be print books in a while :/ ahhh sad all electronic or something ;( i love love love to read and just actual books and not on a screen, that's part of reading, sort of like when you read the newspaper as opposed to online, it's part of the whole experience, even though news is news.

so, that's really all :) i must get up to more cool+exciting things so i can share them :P i do hope you're all doing well and enjoying life :) i know i keep complaining about the warmer months in terms of hotter weather :/ but the beginning of summer can also mean a time for change, and i know i have to make quite a few this time, it's not really an option. so i will :P even though thats really terrifying.

love you like banana in oatmeal :)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

taste of nature

hey lovelies :):)

breakfast this morning, cold cereal :) mixture of shredded wheat, plain cheerios and a little bit of rice crispies (and they made noise too eee)...along with part of a banana, almonds, cinnamon&ginger, a ginger slice cut up and a bit of skim milk. eaten after a short run + shower, it's a bit hot out :/ not happy here. i guess its sunny but too warm for the season really.

this photo represents the cheerio aspect :D however mine were plain

i'm sort of getting into buying bars more, but they don't often sell them in packages so it's individual. which i don't like too much for certain reasons. and its expensive. i just get some now and then and spread it out, so its like a treat as they cost more than other bars from the store that i have purchased, sort of soft or granola type bars, different varieties. but ahhh i tried the apple one again not too long ago and it was so. good. honestly. the flavours it just tasted so yum. and i remember when i tried it the first time i thought it was sour and decided i might not like it again, but then i tried it maybe last year and realised that i liked the distinctive flavours, spices, appleee :) like apple pie i guess. although ours are just called "apple". they change them when they sell them here. so not only missing flavours but apple, not apple pie, same with cherry and pb and banana are just that, not bread or cookie. im pretty sure i've mentioned this on here baha im really exciting. i need to focus on other things, no? probably. psh whatever, but i just try to get a bit of joy from the little things if possible. honestly, because i'll always have something wrong, or bothering me and what not, thus...i just need to get excited about certain things :) otherwise its just all downhill.

my cinnamon-pb-banana oats :) wednesday's breakfast....

organic plain oats package, with banana, cinnamon and ginger,
half a peanut-butter larabar, cinnamon life and multigrain squares

ive had this ginger flavour 'taste of nature' bar which i mentioned a while back, a canadian company using organic ingredients. but ahh this flavour so so so good. its gluten free as well, and this particular one has very little in it, simple but with a strong ginger flavour. the ingredients here are pretty much ginger (with sugar to make it crystallized i assume) and crisp brown rice, agave syrup and a few nuts. and its not baked its cold-processed i believe, but they don't taste like raw or anything more like crispy i guess like when you make rice crispies, they set and i think it preserves certain nutrients. ahh i sound like an advertisement but im happy i found these! they sell them titled according to what is in it, so niagara apple or something is one, nova scotia blueberry( which i also had this week) uses rasperries and bluberries, i'm assuming from there. although they're not in season :/ so im not quite sure. they are coming out with an 'ontario' bar which uses organic ingredients all from local areas/farms. it has oats, honey, cherries, apples, cranberries, but all from farms around here. i hope they have it in certain stores soon i want to try it mmm :) and they have a canadian maple flavour. i think that's all for canadian themed ones...oh and a quebec cranberry one. the rest are like ginger caribbean (the one i have had), and like pistachio (mediterranean) and persian pomegranate something and a brazilian nut one. i think i've had that when i first discovered the brand. but otherwise ive just had 3 flavours i think.

my baby eve :) saying hello :P

on a side note i want to watch elle fanning's acceptance clip from the young hollywood awards, but i don't think it airs yet. but she cried. gosh she is seriously the more adorable thing, talented and ahh my god she cried :)

i've just been studying/working, planning for school and work, sort of organizing some things. not too exciting. i'm going up north for just a few days, so hopefully that's nice :) i can also get readings completed there i hope, and not be too behind or anything. i feel a bit more motivated than last term, and specifically the last year. in terms of school and such, not so much other things. i want to, like i see that i need to change things in order to achieve what i want...but getting there seems daunting. and the sad thing is that i can hardly even picture myself at where i would like to be. normally that's easy. but it's like that part of me hardly exists anymore, or i've been a certain way for so so so long that i can't see myself as anything else. which is awful i don't want to define myself with certain characteristics and what not that others see me as right now. but...yes i definitely need to work on that! i hope you're all doing well :P

xox much love love loveee

Monday, May 16, 2011

oaties and love

hey lovelies :):)

originally from louveciennes

this morning's breakfast looked similar to the above, plain oats in water with cinnamon and ginger, yet i added a ginger-slice and a mixture of cold cereal on top (plain cheerios, multigrain life, rice crispies, kashi go lean...few tbsp or so of each) and skim milk.
however i had coffee and not tea. i had herbal tea later though multiple times

it was a regular instant oat package, no sugar but not the same as less refined oats. however i thought it was nice, they seem to have a poor reputation among many however, aside from perhaps scottish, large flake or steel cut oats i think they're close to quick oats, and when in the microwave they fluff up, and it just tastes like plain unsweetened oatmeal, so you can add what you like :) i don't really like the sweetened ones and not just for cals/ed reasons but the taste. i find them too sweet. i feel a bit better if i get the plain ones, these were just a normal store brand but i often (well not often but sometimes) get the multigrain ones or organic, not sure if that makes much of a difference but the texture is a change from just plain. i also make it with a kettle/hot water poured on top, if im having these instead of stovetop, which makes it chewy, as a texture and not fluffy like the other way, it's neat to get different outcomes and types of oats (as long as its good though).

anywho i'm sure you're all fascinated by my thoughts on how to change the way oats taste :P

breakfast at my family home on saturday morning (past), quick oats in water with apple :) and lots of cinnamon and ginger, topped with almonds, life cinnamon cereal, touch of milk added afterward. it was not naturally sweet with the apple as it does with banana. i don't add sugar (sometimes honey..) but otherwise its not sweetened unless i put banana in and then there are little bits of sweetness. so i added a prune partway through. ohhh flexibility eh? aha right :S...

im getting a bit worried that im eating foods with high gi's...when i first learned about the glycemic index and realised that losing weight or what not might not depend entirely on how much (cals or fat) you have but the food itself...i pretty much stopped having white flour, bananas, honey or sugar if i could, cereal like rice crispies, even graham crackers. and now i eat a lot of bananas and lately since i've been having pretty severe stomach issues, i try not to have white flour in bread for example (if i can help it) but have graham crackers at times instead of whole grain cereal for example as a snack, or like don't have my entire bowl of cereal composed of granola or completely whole grain cereal (like all multigrain or wheat squares) and put a bit of rice crispies for example. not white flour but rice based (and it's not brown rice) which is high on the scale right? im scared too that i'll get like diabetes or something and think that if my weight is lower and what not, if im having these foods i might get something :/ but i try not to have sugar, i mean added sugar much in terms of deserts, however i have honey. its natural but still sugar i guess...i dunno im just sort of confused. i went from eliminating all of this (i was at a higher weight than now...which is partly why i never thought it was an issue if i was at a much lower weight now) to adding things back in. i do these extremes sort of, one side to the next.

a breakfast from last wednesday, rolled oats/large flake with...ahh i think banana or a date cooked in with cinnamon and ginger, topped with some dry cereal, almonds, skim. which oddly looks like creme here :/

its just i don't have someone to ask and if i did it would sound odd because they might think im just fishing for more ways to lose. and im not seeing a dietician or any doctor related to eds at the moment. im a bit focused i guess on other medical/emotional issues that are most important at the moment. and i know often when we're recovering from eds we might resort to eating completely 'whole' foods, often veggie/vegan perhaps (sometimes not always!!!) to make it easier to consume more and gain the weight. so i feel completely off and just a bit worried with what i've been doing. like i'm just going to balloon one day :/ and never go back down because i ate high gi foods which apparently lead to like a long lasting gain (well it says you maintain the lower weight when eating a low gi diet so im assuming the opposite is, well, the opposite...) im not having like high sugar white foods etc as my diet. but ive included certain ones back in that i sort of rely on. like bananas :(

outfit of black skinny jbrands (worn to death really....) along with my old black ballet bodysuit (it looks like a fitted black cami, and i should get some of those, cinched in the middle) and an uo cropped tshirt, it falls from the shoulder naturally (honestly i don't try to pose in any way, besides sometimes to the side because of my face), and this was not the nicest photo. my camera died and i could only do a webcam awkward arm out type of shot. BUT i just wanted to show a photo of the top :( and debated whether i should show it because of a comment i received regarding the aspect of trying to pose and show certain parts of my body. i just want to clear that up. not intentional :/ it's simply how the shirt sits (falls?) on anyone. okay phewf done.

i only did ballet for a year or so in grade ten, and otherwise my main sport was swimming when i was younger, competitive for like 8 or so years. and gymnastics prior to that but i had to choose between the two. i remember in swimming for meets we'd have the smallest suits and it would kill my shoulders and we'd walk around with the straps off otherwise it would hurt, and when our race/swim was up next we would brave it :P and put the straps on. the smallest ones apparently would make us go a bit faster, not lag as much :/ yea i dunno...but this one girl was thin but taller than me and she had a smaller suit size and i was like whaaat? how does it fit? it wasn't measured on the waist i think it was like length and it was never really a weird ed thing, no competition or anything. though in gymnastics it was, and i remember all of us getting measured and people would keep it to themselves usually but i felt okay if mine was a smaller size. and i was like 8 or so :/ sad, really.

i just opened a package of this stuff (and i believe i mentioned it before but ohh well..) it's called ginger slices. it's really just i guess a chewy ginger with just sugar and something that makes it thicker. it's not at all like ginger chews (the ginger people) which i love love love. this isn't as 'hot' but it tastes like actual fresh ginger. i disliked it sort of when i tried it at first but i wanted to continue as i bought a container, so i ended up finishing it. and that one was at my family home but i have one for my place now yeee. i like it also (sort of, perhaps it will taste better next time) cut up in oats if i don't have a banana in it. it is nice in a gingersnap, so i added some when i made those a few weeks ago. i just got it from of the local grocery stores, the main brand they stock that has a variety of fruit, nuts, etc in containers. its yum though:P

SUCCESS. it is not the position you stand, but the direction in which you look
- on a lovely poster (but rather used) in my room, inherited i believe from my brother, but the photograph is what's captivating, a scenery shot with trees, a long winding river leading to mountains in the background and an orange sunset, representing the visual "success" point i guess.

i'll leave you with boots that i want so badly...well i have lower ones a bit like these so a bit higher up, and more combat-y...and i'd likely leave them open actually as im lazy so perhaps these are fine :P

that's all for right now, hope everyone is doing well (or getting there...) lots of love

Saturday, May 14, 2011

j'aime rĂªver :)

hey lovelies :):)

this was posted thursday, my brother's birthday but it was deleted with the whole blogger mishap:/ bummer...pretend its thursday, because im going to.

breakfast was a lovely cold cereal bowl. similar to the above in that it included shredded wheat mostly, along with multigrain LIFE cereal and original special K, almonds, cinnamon, ginger and skim milk :)

i've been sort of making changes, sort of not. i find when im stressed i resort back to older habits, well i guess not too old as i've developped some more recently. but i've been trying to have new foods or even ones that i used to have but i've been scared of as of late. that sort of sounds lame :/ i have a lot of things opened and not (i don't like to waste, but i mean i like a variety, and a few things i have yet to opened but i worry they might go bad)...and im going to try them all :) i just have been feeling like ugh gross i i don't deserve food. i just feel like i put so much effort and time and thoughts and stress and physically-draining time pretty much, into planning and eating or not eating and its just selfish. and im still odd about food around people, or judging myself, if i eat more than someone else especially if they're bigger im just thinking wtf jen no...:( i just feel like i should not be having this much sometimes. or for example if i eat breakfast and a morning snack, and say my brother has not had anything yet, i feel like he's going to make a comment, and it could just be thing completely light comment which would be like a daggar and i think i shoudl learn to accept things and not be sensitive. he didn't say anything, by the way, i just mean if that happened :P

this was the photography i had hoped to include in my last post, my signature to make sure that no one took my book probably :P

afternoon snack bar :) i think its a canadian company, this one is my favourite flavours, its tiny but this compact sort of thing

i can't quite remember what was written in the original post. im so upset it was removed/deleted :/ but...hmm well i've had non cold cereal (oats) two days in a row. scottish, and then quick oats this morning, with an apple (it's been a long time since i've done that) and cinnamon, ginger, almonds and cinnamon life. quite simple compared to other days. simple is nice right :P? i have a photo for next time i believe.

yummyness and some of my spices :)

birthday boy (now he would murder me if he knew this was on here...:/ tried to sort of blur his face aha)

hmm so, okay im back to the present day. my brother's family birthday dinner was friday, steak, potatoes, salad. i had a small bit of steak :D and a large baked (on the barbeque) white perhaps yukon gold? yellow ones good baked though, and it was lovely. and i had cut up cucumber. and tried a few bites of my mom's salad which had dressing, a store-purchased mix and gosh i don't know if its just that i never ever have dressing really...but it was sooo good :) if my other post comes up (or comes back...from the dead or what not) ill just leave both :P because i do want to post something soon, sort of on the last few days.

russell peters, funnnnny canadian comedian if you don't know of him, one of the things my brother received last night thus we watched some :P

there's a story with these boots...

these were my first pair of uggs, and i wasn't planning on getting more. i took ridiculous good care of them and didn't wear them much in snow, and wiped them so much and freaked out if they got anything on them since i had saved up for these...eventually though they had holes and couldn't be worn in the cold. so i brought them to my cottage for summer wear :P and finally got another pair. then a tall pair. but i don't ever want to get rid of them.

lots and lots and lots of love
...even more than cold cereal
(which is saying something :P)

Monday, May 9, 2011

rediscovering, discovering, history

hey lovelies :):)

i just got back from my cottage for a few days, and its a bit chaotic to return to the city and try to get caught up in stuff, mostly emails, work, school. although i was fine with being away from it for a bit, normally im much more anxious. i enjoyed the visit though, and thankfully the water wasn't off like last time :/ we keep it closed in the winter and sometimes, even at this point in the season, things can go wrong.

today's breakfast was made before we left, just normal oatmeal with water and a bit of cinnamon as there is not much there, and i added sliced banana, almonds and cinnamon life/multigrain squares, along with some soy milk. coffee before hand :):)

i love this clock. it's not set though, and when my brother was in grade 10 (i was hmmm 11 i guess) he spent 3 months on an exchange in australia (adelaide) and we went with him there for a few weeks :D then from then on while my brother was still on the other side of the world my mom set this clock to his time, which was roughly 12 hours ahead, then we could call him at an appropriate hour.

i really love my cottage, and always discover old things that i used to play with or wear or use, and also i find new things. this time, although the visit was short and spent doing other things (mostly talking with my parents about issues/figuring things out) i looked through certain novels and found interesting stuff.

apparently i stole this one from my brother and sort of branded it with my name (i had a photo but somehow it deleted, but the writing was lovely...bahaha like odd mixtures of small and large letters, slanted and taking up the whole page), but i like to say i just inherited it from him, along with many other things like books, stuffed animals, some clothes...:P

shared this clif (first time one, black cherry almond) with my mom, and had a bit of other stuff to make up my snack...its not my favourite though i like it more than the first ones i had (pb or something) which made me not like these bars. but my favourite is still the oatmeal raisin walnut, then carrot, then maybe another one i have yet to try :P

this was a set of madeline books, they're in good condition too and hardcover, shiney and all.

some eats while there, we haven't stocked much of the cupboards there (nature valley bars, pb+co the bees knees, almonds, peppermint, ginger, chamomile herbal teas, a few bars, cinnamon...pruuunes***)

this one was my favourite discovery. i had not seen it before, but the letter inside a novel (the title wasn't something i knew and i can't recall it now though, sorry) is written by my grandfather, so my dad's dad, in 1942...i assumed it was him and after asking my dad about it, it seems to be to his sister who he called "toots", and judging by the date, he would have been in britain still during the second world war. it was before he was captured/prisoner of war so i guess he was just in the navy there...he mentions the cold weather, and a few other things. i thought it was really neat. i knew him up until age four when he died.

i went on a few walks, even a run once. the weather was really beautiful. a bit warm at times, im sort of not looking forward to the warmer weather to come :/ but this was nice.

***and i tried (i think anyway my first prune saturday. it was nice. not my favourite dried fruit, but someone mentioned it was like a large but not-as-sweet raisin and that's completely what i felt/or...tasted?....i tried another with plain yogurt and cinnamon life for a snack.

i feel a bit more motivated. i do know that i've said this before. but i have a thing for reflecting back, looking back, to my childhood and who i used to be. and it gives me more hope because i had dreams, and i still do. and i wasn't always okay, maybe less so than the average kid, and i had problems like i do now and like a lot of people do. but i was happy, and that's important. i want to get back to that, but i still need to move forward, because i'm much older, i have more responsibilities and i just need to get things "right" because what i'm doing now just isn't. i hope you're all doing well though, enjoying spring and yummy eats :P

lots of love, jennifer xox

Friday, May 6, 2011

decisions and regrets

hey lovelies :):)

how are you???

breakfast today was something not-so-new...plain oats with ginger, cinnamon, banana and topped with some almonds, a bit of pb+co operation smooth, kashi honey sunshine, multigrain cereal squares and a bit of non fat soy milk (i rarely have this because it comes in just a larger container which i cannot finish before it goes bad, but i was at home today!)...this was after a short run, shower, etc.

eeeeek i posted last time about my parents, and how they were in new orleans, and i hoped they would get some flavours we don't have in canada. they DID :D i didn't expect that, but one day they biked for like 8 hours, and went to a few destinations in including the one whole foods in the area i believe, and picked up the above plus they had lunch there. i was jealous, i've seen photos of people eating there and getting yummy tofu, and they had prepared salads but my mom, who doesn't usually say anything like this, was like hmm it was a very nice whole foods store. i had only mentioned one luna bar (the oatmeal raisin) so they got 3 of those, and since they were 5/5 dollars (um holy okay half the price they are here, even though our dollar is better then the states right now grrr) and the only one i had tried in the bag was the cranberry because they picked out a blueberry one which i haven't tried!!! and two each of the laras, cinnamon roll + gingersnap, never had those! gosh im way too excited for this...

i find that i want to post more, thus...i post more. simple, but i was having a difficult time posting even once a month a while ago, and contemplated just stopping. not deleting as i would feel a bit empty. i know i'll have to delete or remove sections, and the idea that nothing ever "erases" on the internet is daunting. i want to have a career and move on and just, not be defined by anything and i don' think anyone i know (apart from girls/boys from blogs) knows i have this. i want to keep it that way. but i also don't want to be like, oh this is just for me and i'll remove whatever when i want, etc because it's been helpful and i've received a great deal of support from amazing individuals like yourselves, plus there's just something about writing here, documenting, trying to find beauty in food through photos, memories, descriptions. and inspiration from others that i just love so much. i don't want to lose that, ever.

i took such a nice walk on wednesday, and it was sort of unplanned. i meant to just go for like 15 min only (i used to exercise a lot, well more than now. and i hardly do much, apart from short walks and a few short ish runs a week, though i really try to do some form every day, its not like before). anyway, partially i know its because i was losing so i felt that it wasn't too necessary, but i knew that when i felt heavier or what not i'd want to do more again :/ but this walk was around my neighbourhood then into a large cemetery in the city. its so beautiful though, i just love walking in cemeteries and, perhaps its morbid. i like reading inscriptions because they offer history and insight into people's lives, and this cemetery is old with just trees that have history, they're huge and the entire area is maintained in warmer weather. i didn't plan it but i walked and it felt really calming. but i can't say i wasn't thinking about anything, that's just always going to happen. but i didn't feel rushed or anything.

i've been wanting to take more chances with breakfast. i seem to be the minority here and i read with bloggers who love oatmeal breakies, that they're scared to branch out to others, even cold cereal. while i have oatmeal occasionally i usually feel the need to put cold on top, mix the two. (not all together usually) i don't know its odd. i mean, often im super full with mine, but sometimes still what am i afraid of? i could have the same reaction with oats. and it would likely be less calories unless i added a ton of things. so its not that...and aren't oats supposed to be easier on the stomach? maybe not....well after reading a lot of posts and oatmeal creations by this lovie i saved quite a few inspirations and i'm determined to try some. in a bit. for now i'll have the lovely oaties a bit more often than i have. it could be cheaper too :P have like 8-10 different types of cereal/cold in my kitchen pretty much :/ i think i also have a regret thing, regretting choosing a over b or what not. and i feel like my breakfast won't be "right" thus it will ruin my day. and i have made poor breakfasts before. oh gee decisions :/ life :/ too hard sometimes :P honestly its the last thing i should be focusing on right now, i must get my priorities straight! :/ (triple sigh..) the amount of thoughts going on at a time in my mind, mostly surrounding several different anxieties is ridiculous. and for this. i mean its just breakfast...right?

scottish oats with tons of ginger and a date, almond raisin granola, kashi go lean and skim

so i sort of tried that would be cool to even try like pancakes or muffins or waffles, haven't had something like that in awhile.
to get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time,
but we must keep on stepping. (Chinese proverb)
i want to start introducing a quote at the end of posts, if i can, at every one. i love to read and i think words are so unique and can affect your mood. depending on what is written of course. but i often find myself wanting to copy down things i read in novels, outside anywhere or on calendars. they often have the best quotes :P (the one above was on my calendar for may)

i'm supposed to go away for a few days to my cottage, and sort things out. no it's not for that :/ but i hope it goes well (and that i do sort something out), and i hope you all have a great weekend/beginning of next week/and so on...

Monday, May 2, 2011


hey lovelies :):)

this morning's breakfast was old fashion large flake oats in water, with ginger and a tiny bit of mr honeybear, topped with almonds and a tbsp each granola, multigrain squares, kashi go lean and special k regular for crunch. and a bit of skim, black coffee on the side :) i just like putting cold cereal on top or its not "normal"

i made it for my brother (i made far to0 much and forced him to have it tehe) and put honey and granola on his and he said he liked it!

may has arrived. i thought there were more days in april, so it sort of came as a surprise. MAYYY! we also have a federal election, may 2nd. i voted early though, being the keener that i am :P ahh i kid, my parents were going to be away for the voting day and i thought i'd tag along when they voted early. pshhh they're going to new orleans too, leaving canada to the states, i told them they would never be allowed to vote early if the reason was for going to the states :P its just for a few days but i emailed a detailed list of bars we don't have here, more like flavours or larabars (hemm gingersnap/cinnamon roll) so i hope they get a lil moment for that :P
anyway, i have an odd thing to say, its about dreams. seriously i think there's something wrong last night, no wait sat night i had a collection of like odd but scar and unpleasant ones, sort of when you wake up it just affects the way things go and how you feel. i think im either buying (and/or eating) too many bananas. i have this thing where i feel like i always have to have some in my house. so i get them at stages of ripeness but sometimes i get too many or little at one stage and lately ive had an abundance of super ripe/gaggy ones, partially because i was away at home for a bit. and although i love nannners its lke any fruit, they can be good but also, since they're fruit, they can go bad. ad randomly get insects or lke become mush or just gross and ive had dreams of like insects but really scary ones in my place, on the floor then like i look around and they're huge and everywhere. and last night i had a dream that my parents were coming to get me tank god but i was opening a bag of them (the organic ones come in bags usually) and ugh i can't evn write this im like squirming but there was this thing that landed on my hand and i flipped out and looked down and it was this long insect with lots of legs like a long potato bug but it was large and almost just looked like an object/not living then it crawled super fast along the floor up the walls and the ceiling and i was like great fuck this thing will find me in my sleep. and i realised the bananas had them alll over and had like laid eggs of this odd insect oh my god it was super nasty. and scary. they were everywhere. so now im scared its going to come true. this always happens i like something and then some thing like this happens and im scared to have them :/ aha just a little insight into my weird mind :S

i've been wearing a lot of oversized ts with tights, this blue/green one is from uo which i got last week. i got a few other things which aren't just ts :) and tights and what not. i really want combat boots, or military im not sure of the correct name, but not too clunky more like lave-ups? for my birthday. otherwise i would just get a cheaper pair from like f21, no dissing that but i need a legitimate pair of boots so my feet don't die. im obsessed with boots oh my gosh, seriously!

isn't he pretty?

thank you all so so so much for the lovely comments on the last thing, i appreciate it, seriously, more than you might think. it brightened my day a little bit :) which is saying something...:P

see you later loves :)