Sunday, August 26, 2012

a little optimism

"it is not said enough, so i'll say it again: the world is a good place, full of good people, and when we act out of that, when we act out of hope, and optimist, and faith in our fellow human, we act out of our best selves, and we are capable of doing great things, and of contributing to the greater good.

hope and optimist are non synonymous with naivety. we should be looking to the future with flinty and steely eyes, for sure, but they should be wide open with ope, not squinting in fear.

Ask, and it shall be given you;
Seek, and ye shall find;
Knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

if it is evildoers you seek, you will find them aplenty; if it is enemies you want, they are there too. but if you want the truth, the truth is this: blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God. "
- (9 September 2008; "safe places" from Stuart McLean's The Vinyl Cafe Notebooks)-


i wish i could write like that. im not one to put down something so...hopeful, but when i read that it just made me stop. and i looked at it again. i read it aloud. i saved the page in my book, and kept reading.

this post was drafted a long time ago. i thought about creating another one today, but decided to check back here to see if there was anything 'pending'...and there were quite a few! i guess i had some odd thoughts, some posts that i had started which were weird, or triggering, or just not right. but, here i am :) i wasn't sure if i'd ever be able to write here again, but i don't think i'd want to delete this. it would be like erasing history and, not matter how awful some of the posts are, it would feel like deleting a part of me, and a part of my hard work (again, i mean it felt like hard work to me!) 

i'm happy that i found this draft, because i haven't thought about this book in a while, or the quote. the cbc (a major canadian broadcast network...which i am absolutely in love with, by the way) has a show on the weekends usually called, 'the vinyl cafe'. it is hosted by stuart mclean, who is quite lovely ;) i usually listed to radio 1, which is a bunch of news, but also has programs throughout the day that i really enjoy. i love the voices on the radio, and love listening to certain people speak. but this particular show, or podcast (? im not good with technicalities obviously) is much more light-hearted, funny, uplifting. and stuart mclean has compiled a few books about the stories he tells on the show. often he takes real stories, and listeners and viewers can write in to him: "they have to be true stories, and they have to be short stories. and, after that, well, after that it's up to you..." this book was a compilation of his own stories and memories, though. anyway! enough about stuart...

this morning's family oats ;) organic irish, scottish, and old fashion cooked w cinnamon/nutmeg/ginger/molasses, chopped date, and with banana, raw almonds, slivered almonds, crystallized was okay; i made it for everyone and they don't like it with banana, so sadly i added mine afterward, which is not the same as cooking it with banana. at all.

hello and good afternoon :) it's the end of august. craziness. and it's nearly september. the leaves are (sort of..) changing, and autumn is approaching. i miss you all, im not quite sure what that means. i miss myself, i miss life. fun, good, normal life. my life hasn't been good or fun or normal lately. but i guess no ones' life is, really. im in a negative place and i can't seem to get out of it :/ i need some support, and reading blogs has always provided me with some inspiration. furthermore, meeting people through this 'community' has been quite amazing as well, though it has only happened once, though i do talk, chat and write to a lot of people. not so much lately, but everyone is busy and involved with other things i guess. 

morning coffee & 'anne of green gables' at the cottage

i have wanted to take more photos, not just of food but of life. however, i think i need to be keeping track of what im eating a bit more. that seems impossible to me, because it's nearly all i think about. the fat, the calories not so much (sometimes, but not exclusively)...more-so how it will make me feel, if i'll get sick, why im feeling so shitty pun completely intended, nauseated, fucking sick sick sick. blahh :/ i hate it. i really hate my life right now but i think i just hate myself right now. more than i ever have. reading over this just makes me so angry...who is this person? why is she such a fucking downer. get it together. i say that all the time, but im serious this time. because it will never get better unless i make it better, i think so anyway...

i went to the ROM today with my family, but just wanted to go for a short while. doing this was a bit of a step i guess, though that sounds ridiculous. but i still felt so angry while i was out, irritated by everything. i could blame part of it on physical feelings, lack of sleep, my own stupidity (im lowering meds and im a complete idiot and i think i ended up taking the regular amount last night, so that meant i was back and forth and might end up messing my digestive system up even more, like yesterday was hell and idk what will happen...) anyway, i am so controlling and rigid yet i forget and fuck up with something like that. i clearly have no responsibility. anyway, i realised this while we were looking at one exhibit. the experience there was nice, still, and i haven't been in a museum or art gallery since MOMA last october ;( but i just get frustrated that i cannot even try to enjoy myself.

so, although i talk the talk. i will try to be more positive. at least im catching myself though, right? but often when i feel so shitty it almost feels better to be negative, and to mope, and be irritating, does that even make sense? its like this self-loathing thing or something but it's completely destructive and counter-productive. but it seems to be a better option than turning the situation around and trying to see the light. not that it's less effort to change, but i mean it just feels better somehow. you know when you feel awful, and things keep going wrong, and you're like, "okay come ON are you fareeaking kidding me???" and keep listing every single shitty thing that's just happened? i hope im not the only one that's done that. but it's a similar feeling i think. but i am going to try to turn around somewhat. and i hate how this post became negative, because i started it on a whim, and i was suprisingly motivated and upitty ;P is that a word? i'd never think that it would describe me aha...

anyway, that's a promise. i hope all is well with everyone else. lots of love xoxox

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

the summer blues

hello there :)

happy august everyone. i’m sort of happy that summer is coming to a close soon. but it’s a bit scary how much time has gone by, i feel as though im wasting it. or spending it doing, thinking, etc things that i shouldn’t be doing, missing out on a lot of things. i hope you’ve all had a good summer. this is my first spring/summer after graduating, so it’s not really a ‘summer’, since i guess i don’t get those holidays anymore ;P but i should be working, much more, and getting paid, actually moving forward with a career. that part has not been achieved, though, and i know that by next summer i need to be working, hopefully actually in my field of interest! it’s sort of exciting to think about that, but also a bit depressing, knowing that it might not happen and, seeing as i sort of ‘walk the walk’, it won’t be achieved unless i make some drastic changes and get my shit together aha..:/ blah.

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one of the many books i’ve ordered on amazon or ebay, like used/cheaper than normal! this one was a bit extreme, the diet anyway. i hope i don’t have to follow that, but a lot of if is just writing and information or ideas on the issues.

i’ve been having some difficulty with stomach/bowel and other symptoms, and heightened anxiety (noo! i didn’t think it could get worse than it already was) which gets more severe when im alone. my parents have been taking time on and off to go to our cottage and i’ve been home in the city most of the time. and somehow my symptoms are always, without a doubt, much worse consistently when this happens. my stress and anxiety levels are just so high so when they’re triggered by something (even a minor thing) it just goes wacko and i feel like death. and, well this is sort of embarrassing because i’m really old, but i tend to feel this homesick-related sadness, but multiplied by a thousand. that’s the only way i can explain it. when i was younger i would always get homesick while away at camp or other programs, when i’d be away from home for like a month or more. but my parents encouraged it, and they didn’t shelter me or anything. maybe i just have some odd extreme separation anxiety? it’s so odd, but it’s that overwhelming sense of sadness, and like someone’s sitting on my chest, and it gets so extreme and i can’t even eat or do anything, it’s so pathetic. until i snap out of it, but its like someone’s ripping my heart out <--- i realise that sounds ridiculous but it really feels like that. but that is just the extreme sadness, because my stomach-related symptoms also get worse, so putting those together, along with more anxiety is just a really bad recipe and it makes everything so extremely difficult. it’s quite pathetic, i know, but it’s something that i can’t really fix. i’ve been working much more on attempting to manage it, and do more yoga and breathing and cognitive stuff, get out more, etc. but it seems that, in the moment, none of the so-called ‘techniques’ seem to work.


oh my gosh, watching the olympics. its too intense for me, especially the swimming. i used to be a competitive swimmer, and it actually doesn’t make me want to go back to that, but i get so freaking nervous and, i don’t know, my heart is like beating, and i get all shaky and im like screaming at them to go go go and by the end i just have to leave the room aha…not in a bad sense, but i sort of work myself up ;P especially the winter olympics though, with the hockey. that’s a big thing for us i guess. and it feels incredible to see that your country’s done well, even though im obviously sitting at home, not doing anything ;) and i don’t know these individuals personally. although a girl who swam on my first team ended up in the 2000 summer olympics i believe, jenna gresdal. that was pretty cool. i have an old swim cap with her signature on it but its so gross, like disintegrating in the little box i kept it in, along with other swimming memories. probably not the best thing to have her sign :/ oh well..

i haven’t been taking many photographs lately, which i must change! i seem to only do this when im at my cottage, i just take my camera with me and try to capture different things. but then when im back in the city it sort of just sits there.


my first non-cereal breakfast in over two years! im completely serious, too. i made pancakes at the cottage a little while ago, and actually ate breakfast with other people ;) these were a generic whole grain mix but i added in an egg, and part water part skim, cinnamon/ginger, unfortunately we had no vanilla :/ and put banana in mine, and a bit of pure maple syrup on top. very yum, indeed.

anyway, oh i’ve been enjoying bars lately; i tend to either not have any, or have a bunch. and i had a combination of ones i bought myself, some as gifties (lovely lovely lovely girl who sent me them!) and some older ones that i bought on iherb as a birthday gift. so lots of ones that we don’t have here, and that’s exciting. but then sad because i can’t buy them:

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carrot cake larabar! i’ve only had it once before, also as a gift/exchange thing last summer. this is odd, but i have not seen a banana (bar…obviously i see a lot of bananas because i eat so many) for so long…have they discontinued them? i have one old one, this is gross, sitting on my shelf that i will throw out obviously. but i bought it and didn’t realise the date was pretty much past, and, yea....that was sad. i normally check the dates religiously and i was so pissed off because, i swear this health shoppe near me…things are only on sale when they’re expired and i know that its hard for them to check all the things, but i hate when i buy expired food. and then can’t return it. and i miss that bar so much, i haven’t had the flavour in like over a year and it used to be my favourite. anyway! i know, im going on about food. but i just felt sort of proud that im eating them up faster than usual. it’s also hot so im always concerned that they are going to go bad, freaking out about the temperature in our house lol, im a bit obsessive actually it’s not good. that’s another thing…i am planning so much, i feel like im constantly making lists and planning food and every blooding thing on my list, thoughts are filling my head so i can’t even think properly. i know that i just need to refrain from being so controlling, because i think that just feels the obsessive/rigid part of me.

remind yourself that, when you die, your ‘in basket’ won’t be empty.

“often, we convince ourselves that our obsession with our ‘to do list’ is only temporary—that once we get through the list, we’ll be calm, relaxed and happy. but in reality, this rarely happens. as items are checked off, new ones simply replace them. the nature of your ‘in basket’ is that it’s meant to have items to be completed in it—it’s not meant to be empty”.

(Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff)

what a wise man ;P but much easier said than done, that’s for sure.

well, that’s about all i will write about today. nothing else exciting or good has happened, but hopefully i can share some good news sometime soon. i’m just in a bit of a negative slump, and it’s my fault. i get myself into these moods and i don’t try hard enough to get better i guess. but that’s just too sad for today, so i hope you’re all doing okay, im thinking of you! xox