Saturday, September 17, 2011

baby it's cold outside :)

hey lovelies :):)

its been a little bit since i last posted. i had wished to write more frequently, and i still do. but i don't enjoy writing the same type of things, or negative posts, etc. and im sure that you don't like to read those either :) but i couldn't resist it any longer...

this morning i had a nice breakfast after a morning run. autumn is here. i love the feeling in your lungs after being outside, and after running. it just feels fresh :)

plain oats with 1/2 banana, almonds, a few Thompson (large) raisins, cinnamon&ginger plus some crystallized ginger, bite size shredded wheat and a tiny bit of skim added after the microwave, i do enjoy them this way sometimes

lately ive been quite stressed out, partially as im job searching and realising that...well this is it. i need to become more independent asap or i'll be very screwed. also, well my anxiety is so much worse due to this, yet i still fear the same things. although what im anxious about if often not the most crucial aspects of my life (if that makes any sense) it still takes up most of my time. so my priorities i guess are not in the right place, yet that's a difficult thing for me to do. i've always been anxious about my future. in one sense, excited because what i dream to do, well if i could do that i would be so happy..i think. yet getting there is the issue. and im a total wreck with anxiety when it comes to work, interviews, etc. i realised that these past few weeks. i mean physically and emotionally, like its death. so i need to figure something out or i will have like a bajillion ulcers or something, and probably have a heart attack, etc. i have no idea. even in the past, when i was in a bit of a better place, my jobs that i had throughout university (like in the summers/spring) caused a lot of anxiety, mostly physical symptoms. and i just had to deal. but i cannot deal anymore. that scares me because i need to do things on my own, i need to work obviously, and even if right now i'd be working somewhere not entirely related to my field of choice, its a stepping stone. as my degree doesn't lead me directly into anything.

anywho phewf you don't need to hear that. and perhaps i shouldn't be writing so much, in such depth, these personal things. but i need to write it somewhere, im sort of hurting people around me (like my family) by telling them my concerns. and i only voice a small percentage of them. which sort of goes to show what actually goes on in my mind :/ ughhh minds are fascinating i guess but mine personally terrifies me, and the complexity of the human mind sort of terrifies me even more.

how about something more positive??? yes i think i'd enjoy that as well...

a breakfast from a little while ago, but i wanted a photo of something

shredded wheat bites, blueberry-flax granola, almonds, banana, :)

and ohhh my gosh its so cold right now. i will not complain, i realise i asked for this. like all summer. but in my apartment in frigid i have just like skinnies and no socks but im wearing my paul frank slippers (but they're like thong/sandals but with like material...idk can't explain) and an uo flannel type button up. but its like buttoned all the way up now. but its autumnnn :D i wish we had a fireplace here, that would be nice. reminds me of my cottage...

Align Center
i wear this a lot :/ ahh embarrassing.

my parents are on vacation with friends, and luckily my brother and i get to take care of my baby :)

i hope you're all doing well. i guess partially i never posted because i wasn't sure people wanted to read this any more. i know i never get many people reading anyway, but im not going to whine. it just doesn't feel very rewarding if i feel like no one is there, as selfish as that sounds. but i really love reading your lovely blogs, and appreciate the kindness and support that you've given me. so thank you :) and i love you xox

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

and they dressed in black

hey lovelies :):)

i really am liking the colder weather at the moment :) like autumn. and i get to use the word now :P ahhh gosh honestly this morning i went running in a near-by ravine, and with the weather changing it seemed like i was in algonquin park, almost. except for the sirens. and cars. which i noticed when i emerged. baha, anyway, it was nice.

i enjoyed a bowl of cold cereal after getting ready, along with coffee. i took the photo but unfortunately my camera won't upload it at the moment. well its not my camera, so perhaps that's why its not cooperating. but it was simple yet nice. multigrain squares, almonds, banana, a few tbsp muesli (blueberry) along with soymilk. and ginger&cinnamon of course. it closely resembled this photo...

i was away for the long weekend, at my cottage, labour dayyy. or whatever its called anywhere else. and had quite a few large things going on the week before. and started this post a bit. but i thought i'd wait and hope to have more positive things to include besides the obvious. meaning my title is a bit much, but i just thought of it suddenly and wrote it down a while ago :P

my aunt passed away on the 26th, that evening and shortly after i posted actually. her funeral was the next wednesday. its so sad ;( i mean, old or young, it's awful to have someone die but she was just too young. cancer is a bitch....lately a lot of my family, more extended, have been affected by various forms of cancer. i remember when i was younger it wasn't much of an issue for any of us and i was grateful, but now idk...its so evil. the funeral was so sad, i knew it would be. i've only been to my grandmothers ('nana') and her mom. so it was with similar family members, and they had such a similar result of cancer in the end except she was way too young. i felt so much for her sons. and just, its just too much. but she was so amazing, and always wanted to be around family, and just stressed how important that was. i wish i had spoken to her more, just she and i.

i was really happy to go to my cottage, my grandmother came for a bit, and drove up with my brother. they stayed for just a bit less than we did. it was a bit stressful, and she tends to comment on the things that im doing that are different. she's not senile or anything but lately she's become more and more, or i should say less, censored...or tends to speak her mind. i try to ignore it i guess but i feel a bit picked on. she likes my brother much more. i know its just stupid to say that and i don't like to accept it. i try to be nice but lately i find it hard to talk to her. i love her of course, but that's because i have other memories with her and i've known her for so long and what not. anywho its okay though :P

this was a peach-berry of some sort special pie i believe

it was very hot to begin with, and then the temperature dropped like 15+ degrees (celcius) on the last day and a bit. that morning i went for a run earlier, and it felt like autumn. we even had a fire made from then on and as i ran around the cottage (i do run around the cottage, instead of up on the main road baha) i could smell that fire smoke, its one of my favourite smells i think. and i was reminded of falls that i experienced in that area, well a town nearby growing up before we moved back to the city. it was a nice little moment there :P

my first morning i enjoyed this breakfast along with coffee as i went for a morning run (spoon-size shredded wheat, a bit of kashi honey-sunshine, almonds, banana, skim)

i remember a peach-oatmeal breakfast i had, where i cooked the old fashion oats in water, cinnamon, cut up ontario peach :P along with vanilla in the microwave, with chopped walnuts and almonds on top, along with a tbsp or so each kashi honey-sunshine, a w-w-oat-pb 'cookie' piece and was like a peach cobbler :)

we came back yesterday, i miss it already :/ ohh well hopefully i'll be back once for thanksgiving in october (canadian) and then not till next spring. but i hope things will be better then, and i'll have moved forward, accomplished a great deal, and so on.

talk to you all soon, hope everyone is doing well, love you :)