Friday, January 6, 2017


hi there 💓

i have no idea if this is a good idea, or if i will complete this...or what i'm doing, really.

(edit: i started this toward the end of november--see title..i think that referred to the date ;P--and just finished it now; i just need to go ahead and publish this before i forget; i'm really not pleased with the result but i never am, really).

i know that no one will likely see this, and perhaps that's why i'm okay with putting all of this out there. lately i have had more people in my 'real' life finding out things about my health physically/mentally, and i also am realising that things on the internet are even less private than i thought, and i just feel as though i have no outlet or anywhere/place to write or talk or think without someone i know seeing it. so i guess no one knows about this and, if they do, i don't think it really matters anymore as i have very little credibility or dignity, i guess :/  

this is all sounding very confusing, even to me, so i'll try to elaborate a little bit if i can.

i find myself, more than ever, looking back on times and memories with a sort of longing--even times when i wasn't happy and desperately wanted to change (physically/mentally/etc) ... the thing is, because i'm really not doing well, those 'bad' times look 'good' :(

i'm taking too long to post this and, at this point, i don't even know if i will finish it or publish it :/ blah. i miss this community 😢 but it's been so long (honestly i can't believe i started this over six years ago) and obviously people have moved on. that's a good thing! why can't i be okay with this? i think it's partly because i miss them. i'm also sort of upset that it's hard for people to connect outside of a connection like an illness when the others are in a better's like the only thing we had in common was that we had eating issues of some sort? from the beginning i felt connected in more ways than that and i think i just wanted a friend, or a few...i didn't want to just have some disease in common and ..i don't know what i'm even saying. does this make sense? no... okay, so i started to look back at old photos on the blog (i didn't spend too long, don't worry, i know doing that is sort of self-destructive) ...
this was from when i first read this in my little apartment in third year of uni (i've probably read it about thirty times, and i'm re-reading it at the moment)
wish they sold this somewhere near me :(
i still love shredded wheat (most of the time)
and oatmeal (again, most of the time...often the things i think i love turn out icky or make me feel blah or mess's odd)
as i always have (almost, anyway..) i will include a breakfast photo; after all, that's sort of what inspired my blog writing to begin with :) a love for breakfast ...
... ever since i was little, it's been a favourite of mine 😘🍌☕